I sent this text to myself at 1am

[Nomorebagels]

‘He shouted at me, told me to ‘fuck off bitch’, and raised his fist at me. He told me I’d be a sad spinster like my friend who has just become single.’
I sent it because I wanted to look at what happened in the cold light of day and evaluate. He stormed out and has not apologised. Four years together, no DC.
We argued because he parked his car across three of the neighbours spaces because one of their cars was in his and he was raging about that. I dared to tell him he was being unreasonable and he got mad.
He’s not a nice man is he?

What sort of a man says 'fuck off bitch' to the WOMAN he supposedly loves? I mean, who does that? And to raise a fist at you? The woman he supposedly loves? What human being, let alone man, does that?

No, he is not a nice man at all. He is a maggot. A maggot who clearly despises you and thinks physically threatening you, telling you to fuck off and calling you a bitch is behaviour. He is violent piece of scum who has shown you who he is. And when a person shows you who they are, believe them. There is absolutely N.O going back from that.
Ever. LTB in the gutter where he belongs, and don't look back! You, are worth so much more than that and so much more than he is.

I’d be a sad spinster like my friend
That's misogyny at it's best!
Why do all these inadequate men assume we will be 'sad' when single?
Why do they assume that women cannot possibly live without a man?
It's odd thinking.
I'm soooooo much happier single.
We don't need you - you fucking assholes!!!!!!

Now wondering if i’ve Subconsciously been toning down my opinions to keep the peace
That's very likely OP.

Keep him out.
Block him on everything.
And enjoy singledom.
It's awesome!

Do NOT feel ashamed because you refuse to accept intimidation and threats. HE is the one who should feel ashamed. YOU should feel nothing but pride in yourself for refusing to accept his behavior.

You hold your head high, look your friends and family the eye and say "I refused be treated like that. I deserve better".

He stopped himself from hitting you but he did raise his fist. If you accept this behaviour it will escalate.

He was being ridiculous and didn't like being told that by a woman.

You and your friend can be spinsters together. Much better to be a spinster than a DV victim.

Be strong

Butteerflyone1 said: Bag up anything you have of his, send a polite message asking him to collect it then move on.
.....
Yes! Or put his stuff in a safe place outside the property or in the lobby and make yourself scarce for a couple of days. You must get the key back though. Perhaps there is someone you trust who could collect it from him.

You don't have to give reasons for splitting up, just say it didn't work out, you're sad about it and not ready to talk.

Thank goodness you have no children with him which would certainly complicate matters.

Good luck!

*is [acceptable] behaviour.

as I feel a little ashamed to tell them what happened
WHY?
What did you do wrong?
This is the problem we have as women (and men actually - all abuse).
We don't tell people about abuse.

We keep quiet. Keep it secret. And that allows it to grow and fester.
Men (and women) have no consequences for their actions because 'we' enable them to carry on by keeping quiet.
Fuck it - tell everyone. Why wouldn't you? Why shouldn't you?
The shame is NOT yours - it's his!
Get some RL support OP.
Your friends and family will help you through this.
Don't suffer it all alone.

A problem shared, and all that!

@AddictedProcrastinatorMan He had his fist pulled up kind of alongside his ear pointing right in my face. I was scared.

@AddictedProcrastinatorMan But where does the raised fist lead though? How far will he go next time?

@Nomorebagels You NEED to pack his things and throw him out. Change the locks

But if it were my sister, I think it would be "acceptable" in a relationship that she wished to sustain, with a man she loved, that she did not feel threatened by, who was cleaarly not abusive and in a situation with extenuating circumstances - stress, provocation etc.

Look, I have been abusive in my past (medical condition discussed here and I am consistently told I AM AN ABUSER) but I don't have much shrift with abuse apologists. But the correct answer is NEVER! It is NEVER acceptable. There may be extenuating circumstances that could leaad to it being forgiven, but it is NEVER acceptable!

@AddictedProcrastinatorMan are you, as your user name suggests, male? That would explain why you think a raised fist might sometime not be threatening. To women it looks quite different!

once sent myself a text about a year into the argument

Is this a Freudian slip? Seems very apposite.

And he sounds like the sort of man who's all lovely and wonderful as long as you agree with him and bow down before his manly opinions. As soon as you show that you have opinions of your own, and that you dare to disagree with his view of the world then you should be punished until you are brought into line.

I favour long relationships and I think people could do appaling things
Oh dear - please set your bar higher than this.
Never allow anyone to do appalling things.
Why would you?
If you love someone you would never call them a 'fucking bitch'
You would not belittle them.
You would not threaten them physically with violence.
If you would @AddictedProcrastinatorMan then you need some serious help!!!!
And if you accept it from anyone then again, you need some help.
I can assume you learnt some horrible relationship lessons when you were a child!?

Pack his stuff, get your key back, or change the locks, and don’t look back, he is an arse, and you know you deserve better. Don’t be embarrassed, you are not the one in the wrong here.

Totally unacceptable OP, get those locks changed.

Think about someone who loves you, respects you and doesn't judge you. When something like this happens, ask yourself if that person was standing in the corner of that room and was seeing what the way you were being treated, what would they say and do?

I agree with treacletree Sometimes this type of aggression is because they are dealing with other issues, (such as they are cheating), and they resent you.

I also agree with the posters who have said you change your behaviours with partners like this. I did this to keep the peace. Stopped disagreeing with him. If I EVER disagreed with him, he would always say "You never agree with me!" Even though I would agree 90% of the time. I don't do it anymore but I'm still there

Please don't listen to anyone saying this 'wasn't that bad' OP, your instincts are right, listen to them. And don't apologise for 'rambling on' either, that's exactly what we're here for and it's good to get it all out of your head and down in black and white, it will help you order your thoughts. MN can be a fantastic resource but you do have to remember to take what's useful to you from the advice people post and disregard the rest, not all advice is good Trust your instincts, they're steering you right.

@AddictedProcrastinatorMan are you saying that your partners have been physically threatening to you? Because that's not acceptable- but in the context of a woman raising her fist to a man, it may not be experienced as as threatening as a man raising his fist to a woman. Or maybe you're saying you've raised your fist to partners? In which case I guess we can see why you are invested in making sure this is normalised.

Either way, your advice is dreadful. Nobody should stay in an abusive relationship. Not ever.