I sent this text to myself at 1am

[Nomorebagels]

‘He shouted at me, told me to ‘fuck off bitch’, and raised his fist at me. He told me I’d be a sad spinster like my friend who has just become single.’
I sent it because I wanted to look at what happened in the cold light of day and evaluate. He stormed out and has not apologised. Four years together, no DC.
We argued because he parked his car across three of the neighbours spaces because one of their cars was in his and he was raging about that. I dared to tell him he was being unreasonable and he got mad.
He’s not a nice man is he?

Thank yourself for sending that text in the middle of the night. You know what you need to do.

To the person who mentioned other issues he does have a lot going on, more so than most. He is NC with his only family - his brother - and there was a development (a bad one) yesterday. But I still struggle to let that excuse his behaviour.

He's shown you who he is. Believe him the first time. You owe your 'previous me' a big note of thanks for your text, for allowing yourself to reflect on his actions in the cold light of day, and (hopefully), for giving yourself permission to run for the hills without compunction.

The trash took itself out. Wishing you happiness for the future, with a partner who deserves you

You must either be very calming and sweet; controling and keep men in check; avoid difficult situations; smooth difficult situation; and have extremely well behaved partners.

This is total bollocks, @AddictedProcrastinatorMan.
Women don't need to exhibit approved or calming behaviours to "keep men in check".
They just need to pick a man - most of 'em btw, in my not inconsiderable experience - that isn't such an arsehole that he needs "keeping in check".

Do us all a favour & stop minimising & mansplaining.

That is my point. Only the OP knows if she was threatened

@AddictedProcrastinatorMan, the OP namechecked you upthread, specifically to confirm "I was scared".

Did you miss that, or are you being deliberately obtuse? SHE WAS SCARED, she has told us so, so we all (expect you, it seems) know that she was threatened.
More bullshit minimising from you, isn't is?

Locks changed today op

I felt scared and I told him he was scaring me and he said nothing. No apology, no trying to make me feel safe. That was almost worse than the threat. That he knew he was scaring me and he was ok with that.

This man has scared you and threatened you with violence. Leave now and find a better life

I don't even know what you are trying to say so it is impossible for me to respond.

How can you not understand?
Your post about You must either be very calming and sweet; controling and keep men in check; is claiming that the onus is on women to "keep men in check".
My response was to clarify that it is not womens' jobs to police & prevent male aggression. It is up to the men to control themselves. And that MOST men are able to.

I have no idea why you are acting as apologist for the OP's partner. Maybe you feel his behaviour is acceptable. It isn't.

Get some of your family round, does he live with you ? If so have some people there while he packs his bags.
If he doesn’t live with you, change the locks anyway.

He’s so childish..blocks you on social media....

Life is too short.

@messolini9 if you quote me, quote me properly. I made it clear that I was talking about relationships where a partner does not swear at the other or "raise their fist".

I did quote you properly @AddictedProcrastinatorMan.
The quote is from your post at Wed 02-Oct-19 14:01:06.
You were replying to another poster, & at no point did any part of that post make the disclaimer you you suggest above.

Better a spinster than living with his angry, mean person.

Change the locks and put his stuff on the street. You deserve better.

He had been living with me for about three years. He has his own flat which he is renovating so it’s fairly uninhabitable however that’s where he is now. (He lives very nearby which makes things awkward)

Stop being a fascist.

Yay, Godwin's Law already!

I can't read all the posts.
Why not? It's only 4 pages so far. You might stay better informed if you bothered to RTFT before jumping in with your minimising & hypothetical non-fist-raising scenarios.

I am responding to those who replied to me.
Obviously not, as OP herself replied to you, specifically to confirm that she was scared, & you not only failed to acknowledge that, but went on to pontificate about whether swearing/a raised fist is scary or not.

Which completely undermines the OP's own lived experience.

A man who raises his fist to you tells you clearly that next time he’ll be that bit closer to making it land.

Ignore the excuses and the game playing. Blocking you is designed to pull you back in.

Run. Ignore the apologists here and their talk of provocation. That too is the language of abusers. They all say women provoke them/

There's no need for a disclaimer

Immaterial. I didn't make any disclaimers. You did.

& it's actually a whole lot more than "conversation" - this is real life for the OP.

just remember 2 people A WEEK are killed in this country due to domestic violence.

He has shown you who he is. LISTEN.

Get him out. You deserve so much better.

Be VERY prepared for him to beg for you, tell you how much he loves you and how sorry he is. He’ll promise you the world and it’ll be great for a while until this happens again. Get out now because as long as you stay with him, this is the strongest you’ll ever feel.

Perhaps those who wish to support the OP might ignore the abuse apologists on the thread - or do what is encouraged to do with such posters?