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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I've been suddenly dumped. in shock, please help me do the right thing

362 replies

thisisnotanappy · 02/10/2019 07:06

I feel sick.

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know.

Up until tonight everything had been very positive, no hint of an issue.

Tonight I had dinner with a family member and replied to a thread about a work issue when I had finished. He responded, as he was still in the office. I then texted him privately asking if he wanted to spend the night together. He replied “not sure.”

I said “why?” He said “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Sorry.” Suddenly extremely formal. I thought he was joking and texted back laughing emojis. No response. I called him, he didn’t pick up. I texted him again what’s going on? He said “sorry, it’s just not appropriate. “

He eventually called me an hour later and his tone of voice sounded normal. He said “please just leave me alone, I want to go to bed.” I said what’s going on it’s like you’ve just had a 180 degree turn. He said, “no I am just very busy, stop overthinking.” I said I am not overthinking. Things seem to have changed. Either we are dating or not, which is it?

He said “I don’t know. Please just leave me alone and get on with your work. We have lots to do.” I said “what do you mean! Please explain?” He said “life is complex. Please leave me be.”

I am reeling. It feels like a cruel joke except there is no joke. There is no explanation, no reason for this sudden turn around and we spent the weekend together with my parents and we woke up together on Monday morning.

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t. He has completely changed the tone and the whole plan in the click of his fingers.

I can’t get my head around it. I keep wracking my brains for something I must have done or said to get this formal reaction. I’m assuming that if he no longer wanted to go out with me he would have told me.

The change of tone feels absolutely cruel, like only someone who wanted to punish someone else would do. It is completely out of character for him.

What would you think and what would you do? I am paralysed, I can't go into work.

OP posts:
Ringdonna · 02/10/2019 14:29

Sorry but I think he has moved onto someone new.

TheNinkiestNonk · 02/10/2019 14:36

Exactly @CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook advice

SleepWarrior · 02/10/2019 14:48

I would not have any more written communication with him, unless entirely work related. Maybe he's over a barrel, but just in case he's preparing to throw you under the bus do not give him any material to make you look like the pursuer of his affections.

If he's a good man who had work watching him when he wrote those messages then he'll find a way to explain and put things right.

If he has no intention of letting you know what's going on then he's an asshole and your best option is to keep a dignified silence.

In summary, wait for him to come to you, whilst bearing in mind that it may never happen if he's a twat.

Sorry though, sounds horribly stressful Flowers

user1573354 · 02/10/2019 14:57

If he'd had a talking to from another colleague he would definitely tell you. Sounds like the first call could have been in front of someone else, I think he's either been seeing another colleague/person out of work who has read the message or another colleague saw the message while they were in the office and he's gone 'Yeah she won't stop asking me out on dates, honestly I'm not interested, I'll call her now and tell her to back off and it's not appropriate'. But that colleague explanation wouldn't stop him from calling you and explaining and apologising. Unless he was with someone else all night. No explanation is good I'm afraid. You could always report the relationship to someone more senior and hope one of you is moved or he is sacked.

Comps83 · 02/10/2019 14:59

Oh OP this is terrible
I know a lot of people are saying you shouldn’t ‘shit where you eat’ but hindsight is a wonderful thing and a lot of relationships naturally start at work as its where you spend the majority of your time and meet the majority of other ppl.
I had a sort of similar situation and I’d advise that, even though you shouldn’t have to , finding a new job etc it might be better for your mental health. I worked with my ex (both on same level but in different parts of the building thankfully) and after a stupid argument he ghosted me. It was absolute torture and after a year I couldn’t hack it anymore and moved to another building
Look after yourself and do whatever you feel you need to do.

user1573354 · 02/10/2019 15:03

Only other explanation I can think of is another colleague has lied and said he's slept with you? Maybe to wind him up knowing the obvious.

SherbetSaucer · 02/10/2019 15:09

@thisisnotanappy you need to be smarter in the future! Much smarter! Don’t ever have a relationship with someone from work ever again. It’s asking for trouble. I can’t believe people are that naive!!

something2say · 02/10/2019 15:12

I bloody well want to know what he's playing at!!

But for now, just get through the day and see what happens tonight xxx

0lga · 02/10/2019 15:20

Either his wife or his boss has found out.

Yes I’m afraid that you are dumped. And if you pursue him, he will claim that you are harassing him. You may lose your job.

If you can’t deal with it being over, then look for a transfer to another department / branch or a completely new job.

I assume you factored in this risk when you started the relationship.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 02/10/2019 15:22

Agree with many previous posters that he has likely been given a warning at work over your relationship. You might think just because you haven't told anyone in work that it remains a secret but it can sometimes be glaringly obvious to others when two people are romantically involved.

As he is in a senior position to you and you work closely together it was unwise to not disclose your relationship to HR or senior bosses. He has placed himself in a very precarious situation professionally and instead being honest with you he has responded in a cowardly way.

Keep your head held high and continue to keep all written communication at a professional level. I would avoid sending ANY messages about your relationship at all as they could be very easily misconstrued if he faces any kind of disciplinary action and he could try to make out that it was all one sided and you where the one pursuing him.

Of course there are other possibilities such as he wishes to end the relationship and wants to minimise the fallout at work so instead of being a decent person and having an honest conversation with you he is pretending the relationship never happened.

Either way something has changed and his response (or lack of it) shows you what kind of person he is. He hasn't treated you with any respect and told you what is going on, he has simple gone into self preservation mode and disregarded your feelings altogether.

LittlefairyMum · 02/10/2019 15:23

I'm sure you'll get an explanation from him and hopefully this evening.

I wouldn't say a word to him about it otherwise.

I'd rock into work in the morning looking fabulous and hold my head high.

Fake it until you make it.

I think he's been rumbled one way or the other and is protecting himself.

He's a self centered prick OP. A quick text message to say he'll explain later, wouldn't have killed him, knowing this all came out of the blue for you and you were extremely upset.

When someone shows you who they really are, trust them Thanks

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2019 15:24

I assure you, everyone at work knows about your relationship. My guess is he got his arse handed to him due to your entanglement and he's dumping you. He had to choose you or the job, he picked the job.

Whatnameisgood · 02/10/2019 15:30

You absolutely deserve an explanation. And don’t resign in haste. He would be only too happy to be allowed to just sweep it under the carpet. What a coward

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 15:30

I wouldn't say a word to him about it otherwise.

Why are so many women scared to confront their partners? If a man all but dumps you you ask him what the fuck is going on.

Chilver · 02/10/2019 15:33

I too would ask him; it's not like you are strangers!! Go in tomorrow, make sure you look kick ass, and request a meeting in private and bloody well ask him directly! If he does dump you, then you keep your head held high and carry on ice queen ish professionally.

tweedledeedo · 02/10/2019 15:34

Bluntness she did ask him what was going on. Repeatedly. He didn't give her an answer and anything he says now is likely to be bullshit.

Holding her head up and leaving him behind isn't the OP being weak or accepting his shitty behaviour

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2019 15:43

I wouldn't bother chasing him down for some bullshit explanation. The appalling way he's treated her says all she needs to know. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

monkeymonkey2010 · 02/10/2019 15:43

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy

This sounds so suffocating and smothering and full on clingy/needy and co-dependent.
Workplaces generally don't have an issue with workplace romances, so long as you respect the workspace and don't allow it to interfere with your work...whether you're loved up or broken up.

Neither of you were mature enough to place appropriate boundaries on your 'relationship' and YOU have allowed it to interfere with your work.

Just be cool and professional whilst at work - and leave him to contact you outside of work.

I don't have time for men who behave like this and i tend to go completely professional Ice Queen on them when they do it to me (it's happened 3 times).
I don't feel guilty for it either - hurt and confused, yes.

He was probably enjoying having his ego boost until reality hit - and he's too much of a coward to take accountability.

TheNinkiestNonk · 02/10/2019 15:48

Oh to be perfect like @SherbetSaucer !!

DelphicOracle · 02/10/2019 15:56

Oh OP you poor thing.... but this is why lots of companies frown on co-workers dating - because when it goes tits, people dont want to come to work! You need to protect yourself and ensure you go in tomorrow.

for people saying "lots of people meet at work" - yes they do. But do they date their direct reports? He appears to be a more senior, possibly older man, dating a person who he has direct responsibility for, in his team. This is inappropriate and likely to cause him issues...... Its more OK for a receptionist to date a member of IT or the finance manager to date someone in facilities ... but this set up is NOT like that.

fact is OP you need to look at this objectivley:

Either hes been bollocked about having a relationship with you by someone / HR at work
Or hes playing mind games
Or hes got another person on the go
Or hes got a wife and shes found out / is about to find out so his minimising

Either way he comes out of this badly whichever the reason. The only one where he isnt a total shit bag is option 1 - ie hes in trouble at work. But if this was the case he could have talked to you about it ,and explained it far nicer. So either hes a total shit or a coward - possible both.

walk away OP .

something2say · 02/10/2019 15:58

Olga's post is meaner I'd say.

Orangepearl · 02/10/2019 16:02

He just sounds very selfish he has chosen money/career over you. Lucky escape. Do not talk to him.

letsdolunch321 · 02/10/2019 16:17

Message him saying I never had you down as a selfish, disrespectful bastard.

Tonight, you will meet me and give an explanation to your vile behaviour these last couple of days. I will decide what happens after hearing what you have to say!

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2019 16:19

Tonight, you will meet me and give an explanation to your vile behaviour these last couple of days. I will decide what happens after hearing what you have to say!

Uh, what? Actually, she can't decide anything for him. He's made it abundantly clear what's happening. He dumped her. I would hope she wouldn't lower herself to listen to any of his bullshit.

TheNinkiestNonk · 02/10/2019 16:23

OP don't message him what @letsdolunch321 says! Don't message him anything! He could pass it on to HR and that message would make you look like a loon! Especially if he has planted that seed in peoples mind anyway.

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