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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I've been suddenly dumped. in shock, please help me do the right thing

362 replies

thisisnotanappy · 02/10/2019 07:06

I feel sick.

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know.

Up until tonight everything had been very positive, no hint of an issue.

Tonight I had dinner with a family member and replied to a thread about a work issue when I had finished. He responded, as he was still in the office. I then texted him privately asking if he wanted to spend the night together. He replied “not sure.”

I said “why?” He said “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Sorry.” Suddenly extremely formal. I thought he was joking and texted back laughing emojis. No response. I called him, he didn’t pick up. I texted him again what’s going on? He said “sorry, it’s just not appropriate. “

He eventually called me an hour later and his tone of voice sounded normal. He said “please just leave me alone, I want to go to bed.” I said what’s going on it’s like you’ve just had a 180 degree turn. He said, “no I am just very busy, stop overthinking.” I said I am not overthinking. Things seem to have changed. Either we are dating or not, which is it?

He said “I don’t know. Please just leave me alone and get on with your work. We have lots to do.” I said “what do you mean! Please explain?” He said “life is complex. Please leave me be.”

I am reeling. It feels like a cruel joke except there is no joke. There is no explanation, no reason for this sudden turn around and we spent the weekend together with my parents and we woke up together on Monday morning.

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t. He has completely changed the tone and the whole plan in the click of his fingers.

I can’t get my head around it. I keep wracking my brains for something I must have done or said to get this formal reaction. I’m assuming that if he no longer wanted to go out with me he would have told me.

The change of tone feels absolutely cruel, like only someone who wanted to punish someone else would do. It is completely out of character for him.

What would you think and what would you do? I am paralysed, I can't go into work.

OP posts:
Goodnightjude1 · 02/10/2019 08:20

He’s really not being fair to you. He should have told you what’s going on and not just left you hanging.

Go in to work, get on with what you’re doing and see how the day goes. Good luck 💐

Carthage · 02/10/2019 08:22

I don't get these replies. Surely if he'd been hauled over the coals by work it wouldn't stop him telling the OP and explaining that he needs to cool/end the relationship and why. That's the adult and kind thing to do. There's something off about this man that he wouldn't just explain it to you.

He's either someone who doesn't deal with stressful situations well and takes it out on others, in which case, you really don't want him in your life. Or I also thought like a PP he might have met someone else. Either way he's not good news.

GrumpiestCat · 02/10/2019 08:25

It's never nice when a relationship ends and this is obviously really difficult due to work issues

There's not much you can do but I'd play the ice queen to piss him off. He will miss the intimacy soon enough even if he's decided the relationship had to end. He will be looking for a clue that you are ok. Giving him nothing but bare minimum professional courtesy will get to him, I promise you. Be a robot. He doesn't deserve the human you. Flowers

katalavenete · 02/10/2019 08:28

I assume his mobile is one he owns personally, rather than one supplied by work?

Glitterb · 02/10/2019 08:28

Having been there and got the t shirt with this one, the best thing to do is hold your head high and get on with your job! It is possible someone has mentioned something about inappropriate work romances and he has ran for the hills. He should have spoken to you about that though rather than being an arse. Give him a taste of his own medicine and keep in purely professional. I know it’s hard!

KUGA · 02/10/2019 08:31

Go into work and act normal as if he doesn`t exist
He is playing you like a yoyo and your allowing it.
Dump before being dumped.

Lipz · 02/10/2019 08:32

It's shit that it turned out like this. We can only guess as to why he did and said what he did. Is relationships allowed at work ? If it were me I'd do myself up looking a million dollars, I'd hold my head high, walk in with a huge smile, I'd do my work making sure to laugh and be cheery throughout the day. Then I'd probably go home and crawl into bed, have a good cry and fuck him, not literally, it's his loss. I wouldn't let him see me sad, upset etc

NataliaOsipova · 02/10/2019 08:35

it's possible he's been given a talking to about inappropriate workplace relationships.

Sounds like it to me. In fact, it sounds to me like this has happened and he’s denied the relationship. Hence all the bizarre “not appropriate” texts; it smacks of covering his back.

Horrible, OP. He really should have had the decency to be honest with you. Agree with others - be cooly professional and don’t give him the headspace.

NewMe2019 · 02/10/2019 08:35

I think he's got into trouble at work too. He's senior. It is inappropriate.

AmIThough · 02/10/2019 08:37

Yeah sounds like someone's found out about it at work.
Or you're starting to take the piss with work and he's fed up, maybe?

GinandManic · 02/10/2019 08:37

To me it sounds like someone else read your messages you sent him, as in they were visable to another colleague when you sent them. Maybe his phone was out whilst he was working with someone and now they know which has put him in an embarrassing situation.

Roselilly36 · 02/10/2019 08:39

Sounds awful OP. Personally no way could I just go to work as if nothing has happened, once the line has been crossed, I would be looking for a new job ASAP tbh.

I would expect, either he has someone else, who has found out or suspects, I can’t see him being in trouble at work, surely he would just tell you the truth and cool it at work, people will always pick up on the signs of a non-profession relationship going on.

It’s sad that you have been hurt and are upset, workplace romances are not always the best idea as it can get very messy, particularly if it ends badly.

I hope you meet someone else very soon who will make you happy and be a more deserving partner. Good luck

mummmy2017 · 02/10/2019 08:40

People hate being cross questioned.
So head high, smile and just be polite, and wait till he arranges to sort this out .
I think he will if he see you being strong

maternityleave234 · 02/10/2019 08:41

@thisisnotanappy sounds like work have found out re the relationship. Or were you texting a work phone and it’s suddenly dawned on him that work could access the messages?

Hold your head up high, look fabulous and go into work.

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 08:46

You have to go into work and I'm assuming you have. You can't risk your job over this and need to be able to separate the two.

I would assume someone has said something to him and he's realised he's risking his job, so is pulling back.

theemmadilemma · 02/10/2019 08:51

Agree with PP, sounds like work found out. And agree everyone always knows.

That said, unless your workplace has a specific clause against office relationships (most don't actually) there is nothing essentially wrong.

My current Partner of 5 years was Junior to me at work. I discussed it with my Manager early on, and it wasn't an issue, in fact she was over the moon for both of us.

Orangepearl · 02/10/2019 08:53

Sounds like he is married, work has told him to back off or else, or he doesn’t like your parents/family, as you said you had just spent the weekend there?

ShippingNews · 02/10/2019 08:55

We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know

Work knows. And he is in trouble. How did you think nobody would know ? You've been living in a dream, OP.

MisfitPuddleduck · 02/10/2019 08:57

I agree that something must be up, and he's handled it completely wrong.

Let us all know how it goes!

PepePig · 02/10/2019 08:58

I met my DP in a similar scenario to this. He was senior to me. Everyone knew we liked each other and were probably seeing each other even though we hid it until it had been official for a month. I'd say he's been given a talking to as well. DPs bosses didn't mind until I fell pregnant then he was moved to a different area. They didn't have an issue with us working together as such and we never got warned or called in over it, but they'd prefer to keep us separate. Which is fine but it seems like this might not he an option at your place of work so they've gone with a warning instead.

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 09:11

He's clearly not married, for goodness sake,

Op did you ever take the discussion on what would happen if anyone suspected?

bookwormsforever · 02/10/2019 09:12

We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know

Urgh, sounds like a recipe for disaster. Sorry, OP. Sounds very hard. Go into work, head high. be totally professional.

Don't beg, don't plead, ignore him as much as possible.

Why know why he's acting like this? But he's being a shit. If someone at work has found out and told him to cool it, he should have told you instead of acting like some 1800s boss and withdrawing/being formal/telling you what to do.

Hope today goes well, op. You can do this.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/10/2019 09:17

Ahh I'm sorry @thisisnotanappy . I met my fiancé at work. We had to go massively out of our way to make sure nobody found out before we wanted them too! It was exhausting. Most people do work out when something is happening, it's just little things that become obvious even if you think you're being totally normal.

I'd put money on that he's been pulled up about this and told that it needs to end now, and he's been quite formal in his messages to you to try and make it as painless as possible. There's no nice way to call it off. Sadly; you will have to go to work, because if he has been pulled up, the more senior people will know exactly why you're not there. It'll be a tough week or so, probably; but put your head down and you'll get through it.

It worked out alright for me & fiancé and we get married next year; but I left the workplace we shared. I don't think it'd have worked out so well otherwise. Even though they boasted of creating 25 marriages between colleagues over the years, they were not really in favour and it did make life hard. Plus you're constantly having to explain involving someone or talking to them...

I hope today isn't too bad Thanks

Gazelda · 02/10/2019 09:25

I don't think I'd be able to help myself from texting 'you owe me an explanation'.

But agree with others, he's likely been found out and reprimanded. You have no choice but to front it out. Message a friend to organise a night out tonight, then go into work with head held high and do a professional job with a cool smile on your face.

This just be shit OP, I don't envy you. But just get through the next couple of days then start job hunting.

Sotoes · 02/10/2019 09:26

Did you go into work together on Monday morning, after him staying over?

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