Think I've been suddenly dumped. in shock, please help me do the right thing

[thisisnotanappy]

I feel sick.

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know.

Up until tonight everything had been very positive, no hint of an issue.

Tonight I had dinner with a family member and replied to a thread about a work issue when I had finished. He responded, as he was still in the office. I then texted him privately asking if he wanted to spend the night together. He replied “not sure.”

I said “why?” He said “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Sorry.” Suddenly extremely formal. I thought he was joking and texted back laughing emojis. No response. I called him, he didn’t pick up. I texted him again what’s going on? He said “sorry, it’s just not appropriate. “

He eventually called me an hour later and his tone of voice sounded normal. He said “please just leave me alone, I want to go to bed.” I said what’s going on it’s like you’ve just had a 180 degree turn. He said, “no I am just very busy, stop overthinking.” I said I am not overthinking. Things seem to have changed. Either we are dating or not, which is it?

He said “I don’t know. Please just leave me alone and get on with your work. We have lots to do.” I said “what do you mean! Please explain?” He said “life is complex. Please leave me be.”

I am reeling. It feels like a cruel joke except there is no joke. There is no explanation, no reason for this sudden turn around and we spent the weekend together with my parents and we woke up together on Monday morning.

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t. He has completely changed the tone and the whole plan in the click of his fingers.

I can’t get my head around it. I keep wracking my brains for something I must have done or said to get this formal reaction. I’m assuming that if he no longer wanted to go out with me he would have told me.

The change of tone feels absolutely cruel, like only someone who wanted to punish someone else would do. It is completely out of character for him.

What would you think and what would you do? I am paralysed, I can't go into work.

Did today go alright OP?

He really does sound like a grade a douchebag.

I've been struggling through the days as a breezy ice queen.

I sent the email to HR, cc-ing twat face like you said.

He came to my office and said "Oh I thought you were sick? I didn't realise you were on strike?!" I said NO I WAS WORKING FROM HOME.

I need to find a way to get a balance between leaving my email and wats app and texts open for communication from him (as my boss) but also my mental health.

We use wats app to communicate a lot at work. Not just he and I but everybody in our team. If I block him then he knows I've blocked him and he knows I care. If I get notifications I am always looking for one from him. He used to call me in the evenings an discuss work/clients and then it would lead on to what we were doing at the weekend. I don't know how to strike the balance now.

WHat would you advise? You have been 100% right so far.

I was reading your text when I was reminded of the film dangerous liaisons. When your lover can only answer 'it is not appropriate' to everything you say it reminds me of John Malcovich repeating ad nauseam 'it is beyond my control' to poor madame de Merteuil... As she tries to desperately understand why he is leaving her.

I think you can stop notification and mute for certain people .

As long as it is recorded as a working from home day, then you are sorted as far as work goes.

Just carry on. He can't do anything as long as you are professional and unemotional.

Wail at home, and wait for your anger to come in.

I don’t think there is any right way to handle it OP, it’s really tricky, shitty situation to be in and I feel for you. I think you can only play it by ear day by day,

One word of warning - if you carry on the ice queen he will at some point cause a drama - I don’t mean at work - but he will suddenly ‘really need to talk to you’ and try and get your attention. He won’t like losing the power over you and will make a play to get it back, just to see if he can. It might involve mea culpas, declarations, he’s so confused etc. Be very wary of it.

I only work during the hours I am contracted to. I take it you are not paid to work/on duty/on call in the evenings?

If not I would suggest you switch off your work phone as soon as your working day is over at 5pm or whatever and don’t switch it on until the following day when you resume work. Is there anything in your contract that could cause an issue with doing this? You have to be careful to fully comply with all you are supposed to do as you have to be doing nothing anyone can complain to hr about. There is no need for your boss to call you at home when you are unpaid and off duty. Surely he can speak with you about any client issues during the day? However if you have to leave the phone on because that’s what’s expected, don’t let him go off course, work convo only.

Why does he call you in the evenings to discuss work? Does he do it with everyone on his team? Do other teammates get this from their bosses?

I'd tell him non-urgent/time-sensitive work needs to be addressed during office hours. That while you're a team player and are willing to put in long hours when needed, he's gotten into the habit of having office chats outside working hours on a daily basis. It makes his team look inefficient.

The sooner you can learn to see this guy as the psycho wearing a skin suit of the man you thought you knew the easier it will be. Do you know the grey rock technique? There's lots of resources if you google, to practise not reacting when he's not being professional. WhatsApp can be your friend by the way - because everything will be in writing - and do make sure you're backing up conversations.

You "just" have to keep batting back anything that's not about work. If he's getting in touch after hours about work, ask if it's time-critical or can you look at it tomorrow. Keep everything professional, and write as if anything is going to be reviewed by a lawyer - which hopefully it won't come to, but if he does try to drive you out then you'll have a pretty clear cut case for sexual discrimination.

It's going to be a case of fake it till you make it, but you can do it.

One other thing - keep an eye out for any female colleagues that might be lured into the same trap. Maybe you'll be able to keep someone else from harm if he goes hunting again within the company - and that could make you feel a lot better down the line.

Oh, and you're allowed to keep looking for notifications from him. You're allowed to keep picking that scab - you will get tired of it, you will feel better, and you will heal over

Wise words @ DameFanny

It's tough but I would suggest you put your phone on do not disturb when you leave work so calls can't come through, I think it just goes straight to VM?

Keep the WhatsApp group if other colleagues are on it and carry on responding to 'work' messages if that's what you have always done so as not to look like you are behaving any different to your mutual colleagues.
Ignore any PM's from him.

Do you have evidence eg texts, messages etc of the two way relationship you were in do if you ever needed to, you could go.to he and say he's harassing you/acting inappropriately because you are not responding to him outside working hours/about non work stuff after he abruptly ended the relationship (and lied to the team about your absence when you worked from home to try to deal with the shock/upset)?

May be useful, or at least just reassuring to have them stored somewhere (and call logs, though they don't prove content but will show frequency and times).

Incidentally I think meeting your folks (that's what happened shortly before this, isn't it) was the catalyst for him doing this ... Because he was no longer going to be able to go on treating it as a fun, illicit, convenient, ego massaging fling type thing and was being pushed (not that you were pushing him, mind) into something more official/serious/with obligations. He didn't want that at this time it at all and when he described himself and his motives so coldly to you (after you wouldn't swallow the bullshit he was giving you) he really was telling the truth, I think. That's who and what he is. It was also extremely predatory and inappropriate of him to pursue something with a junior employee who works closely with him ... But again that's who he is.

As above, in case he tried to get you out of your job, I'd have all evidence that he gig involved in a two way relationship with you for months that he ended abruptly, and us now acting (equally) unprofessionally about.

Did you ever clarify the company policy on relationships esp between senior and junior employees? Is there one?

What is HR like btw? Big//small/likely to be 'by the book', sympathetic or likely to protect him?

You should probably job hunt anyway because this is a v difficult situation.

Married.

I'm having a bad day. Just being around in the office with him is extremely difficult.
Earlier he pulled me into his office for a meeting just he and I. We were talking about a work matter and I was saying how I find it hard to trust what the client is saying because of some inconsistencies in what they are doing. Then he suddenly said "do you trust me?" And I said "I'm not sure." I know I should not have said that, because it is like a chink in my armour, and he said "that's fair that you say that. I understand."

Why did this question and comment hurt me so much? He seems to want to see himself as some kind of powerful manipulative genius

Trust him in what ?
His job?

I am sure it will get easier.

Does he mean "trust " in relation to the client?
Does he mean "trust " with regard to your past relationship ?

Remember there is just you now .

I think he is happy for the double entendre of trust to remain a double entendre

I think in such double entendre questions it is good to answer "what do you mean"? Or "why do you ask?" So that he had to elaborate. Then you can reply accordingly. In business- yes sure. In non-business- it is not appropriate.

You are doing great OP. Keep it up. If you need a moment to be weak, take it at home or with friends. In front of him - just keep doing what you are doing. You got it. Sending you strength

What are you doing tonight when you finish work?
Try to look forward to being out of the office.

I just wanted to say that you're doing brilliantly considering how utterly confusing this new situation he's imposed on you is on many levels.

Its sooo hard at this stage xx but it WILL get easier xxx

Like someone else said, just keep going as you are xxx

To me, he shut down that intimacy and now wants to make comments that allude to it. How hurtful. And work is no longer a refuge from personal angst xxx

It’s a way of getting your attention and pulling you back into an intimate space when you’re trying to keep on a professional track.

He will keep doing that. And, like I said before, if you keep successfully batting him off he will probably make a big play for your attention at some point.

I think in such double entendre questions it is good to answer "what do you mean"? Or "why do you ask?" So that he had to elaborate. Then you can reply accordingly. In business- yes sure. In non-business- it is not appropriate.

Personally I think it’s better that she doesn’t - that’s exactly what he wants - to draw her into intimate discussion.

Short, non-committal answers and no more are probably better.

I don’t think she trusts him in business either - or she shouldn’t after the sick day lark.