Think I've been suddenly dumped. in shock, please help me do the right thing

[thisisnotanappy]

I feel sick.

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know.

Up until tonight everything had been very positive, no hint of an issue.

Tonight I had dinner with a family member and replied to a thread about a work issue when I had finished. He responded, as he was still in the office. I then texted him privately asking if he wanted to spend the night together. He replied “not sure.”

I said “why?” He said “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Sorry.” Suddenly extremely formal. I thought he was joking and texted back laughing emojis. No response. I called him, he didn’t pick up. I texted him again what’s going on? He said “sorry, it’s just not appropriate. “

He eventually called me an hour later and his tone of voice sounded normal. He said “please just leave me alone, I want to go to bed.” I said what’s going on it’s like you’ve just had a 180 degree turn. He said, “no I am just very busy, stop overthinking.” I said I am not overthinking. Things seem to have changed. Either we are dating or not, which is it?

He said “I don’t know. Please just leave me alone and get on with your work. We have lots to do.” I said “what do you mean! Please explain?” He said “life is complex. Please leave me be.”

I am reeling. It feels like a cruel joke except there is no joke. There is no explanation, no reason for this sudden turn around and we spent the weekend together with my parents and we woke up together on Monday morning.

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t. He has completely changed the tone and the whole plan in the click of his fingers.

I can’t get my head around it. I keep wracking my brains for something I must have done or said to get this formal reaction. I’m assuming that if he no longer wanted to go out with me he would have told me.

The change of tone feels absolutely cruel, like only someone who wanted to punish someone else would do. It is completely out of character for him.

What would you think and what would you do? I am paralysed, I can't go into work.

He is utter slime OP.

He can't cope with you coping.

He has a huge ego, that just can't cope with you accepting the new reality.

Obviously he has very poor boundaries and is not professional.

Professional people do not "mess where they eat". Vulgar but true.

He has show extremely poor judgement getting involved with a subordinate.

He knows this, but simply can't cope with you accepting that it's over, so is trying to draw you in to upset you.

Be very careful with him, do not get drawn into personal chats with him.

He is dangerous.

He means you harm.

You can do this💐

I honestly don’t see how this can work long-term. One of you is probably going to need to leave ur job.

This can work long term - it'll get easier by the week, and thisisnotanappy will only get stronger.

He might leave if he doesn't get the reaction he wants - or he may try to make work professionally difficult as well as personally. If he does do that, she has a great case for sex discrimination - and hopefully HR will recognise that he's by far the bigger potential liability to the company.

"do you trust me?"

What an absolute prize prick.

Do you trust him indeed.

Ego on a stick. How very unattractive.

For next time:

Pompous McGobface: "Do you trust me"

OP: "Well I expect as a professional that I can trust you to behave professionally as I have no interest in anything else"

Indifference is your friend OP, indifference not any pass agg or noticeable cold - it will get him to stop playing games quicker because he won't be used to it.

Noticeably cold is a "thing" that can be spun as you being upset, casual and shruggy indifference and just wanting to get on with your job is - it's over, meh, worse things happen

Oh and in the hope of showing you how unattractive he is, this:

Then he suddenly said "do you trust me?"

Is so so so so textbook (cough Hugh grant in Bridget Jones diary cough) that it is clear your refusal to play his games or respond the way he wants (mental ex) that is he is deliberately being disingenuous.

If you bit and said "no of course I don't you lie all the time and you lead me on etc..." he would have got what he wanted and LOVED it.

You didn't, but the point is he tried. So now we know he's a fully fledged eejit.

As my mum has said to me about some tosspots I've dated: "in a few years you won't even remember their last name"

Onward and upward OP - every exchange like todays is proof he's a basic fuckboy who doesn't even have the excuse of age!

He's not used to being outwitted but thinks he's so clever he can outwit any woman. Don't prove him right, keep doing what you're doing

Don't answer any WhatsApp calls or messages from him out of hours. When he asks why you didn't (which he will) say every time that you were busy and didn't see them at the time. He can't make you talk to him out of work hours.

'Do you trust me?'

Who the fuck does he think he is, Alaadin???

OMG he's so EW.

With the What's App access, I think ignore and don't respond to any personal messages. Let him send and say what he likes, but only respond to work ones.

A fully-fledged eejit ha yes this

@ThatCurlyGirl - that's exactly what I thought, Daniel Cleaver in the flesh! Hope you can stay strong OP.

@thisisnotanappy
How are you doing.
Hopefully you have kept on playing it cool and therefore rattled his cage.