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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I've been suddenly dumped. in shock, please help me do the right thing

362 replies

thisisnotanappy · 02/10/2019 07:06

I feel sick.

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know.

Up until tonight everything had been very positive, no hint of an issue.

Tonight I had dinner with a family member and replied to a thread about a work issue when I had finished. He responded, as he was still in the office. I then texted him privately asking if he wanted to spend the night together. He replied “not sure.”

I said “why?” He said “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Sorry.” Suddenly extremely formal. I thought he was joking and texted back laughing emojis. No response. I called him, he didn’t pick up. I texted him again what’s going on? He said “sorry, it’s just not appropriate. “

He eventually called me an hour later and his tone of voice sounded normal. He said “please just leave me alone, I want to go to bed.” I said what’s going on it’s like you’ve just had a 180 degree turn. He said, “no I am just very busy, stop overthinking.” I said I am not overthinking. Things seem to have changed. Either we are dating or not, which is it?

He said “I don’t know. Please just leave me alone and get on with your work. We have lots to do.” I said “what do you mean! Please explain?” He said “life is complex. Please leave me be.”

I am reeling. It feels like a cruel joke except there is no joke. There is no explanation, no reason for this sudden turn around and we spent the weekend together with my parents and we woke up together on Monday morning.

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t. He has completely changed the tone and the whole plan in the click of his fingers.

I can’t get my head around it. I keep wracking my brains for something I must have done or said to get this formal reaction. I’m assuming that if he no longer wanted to go out with me he would have told me.

The change of tone feels absolutely cruel, like only someone who wanted to punish someone else would do. It is completely out of character for him.

What would you think and what would you do? I am paralysed, I can't go into work.

OP posts:
Gruzinkerbell1 · 02/10/2019 09:30

I think you’ve been busted and he’s been bollocked by someone more senior at work. I hope you can get some answers today.

Interestedwoman · 02/10/2019 09:34

It sounds like he thought there was a possibility someone would read his replies and disapprove, or something.

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 09:37

I doubt he's been formally reprimanded. But potentially someone has pointed out to him that there is rumours and it would be inappropriate. Or he's had second thoughts and is realising the inappropriateness of it.

SimonJT · 02/10/2019 09:37

My boyfriend is a client of the company I work for, I very occasionally buy in his services for the department I run. Lots of people meet partners at work, it doesn’t give them an excuse to be shitty when work find out about the relationship.

something2say · 02/10/2019 09:51

Aww, poor op. I hope you log on soon and see us all rooting for you.

My approach would be....
Work very hard all day. That will give you some head space.
Wait for him to contact you and then bollock him for his coldness and for just dropping you.
And that itself needs thought. Why could he not have told you what's happened and how he now feels?
If he handles this poorly going forward, that is a problem.
Get thro the week by working hard.
Longer term, consider moving.
Love that's gone wrong at work is MISERABLE.

Yes, I've got the t shirt myself xxxxx

AnneKipanki · 02/10/2019 09:58

Go into work . Act as normally as possible . Try and have nothing to do with him .

Sounds like someone has found out . Can he be covering tracks ?

verticality · 02/10/2019 10:01

I don't think someone else was reading the messages. I think he's possibly told someone else about it and got a "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING SECRETLY SHAGGING A COWORKER YOU LINE MANAGE?!" talk.

"Nothing you can do except put on a brave face and carry on in public as though you've never had an intimate relationship. Not easy I know."

I agree with this. It's the hardest thing to do, but it is possible. It does sound like he's had a change of heart. It's a cruel way of telling you and he owes you more than that, but it's the way he's chosen to do it. You need to accept it and move on, I'm afraid.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 02/10/2019 10:02

We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know

Of course work colleagues know! You can hardly hide the fact your having an affair if it's clearly impacting on the work environment, people aren't blind/stupid OP!

dontdoxmeeither · 02/10/2019 10:04

Hopefully you've gone to work!

You have to be breezy until he tells you what's occurred.

Sockypuppet · 02/10/2019 10:05

I agree with TinDog 100%.

FinallyHere · 02/10/2019 10:13

I'm so sorry to read this. Hope you feel better soon.

It does sound as if he has been at least warned, maybe even given a bollocking about behaviour that is indeed inappropriate. It's not unusual for the woman in these situations to just be sacked ....

Living well is the best, the only real way forward. Treat him as if he were your boss, polite but a bit distant. Hold your head high, you have got this.

ps Work doesn’t know. As I have aged, I understand better why keeping secrets so often has the power to cause damage.

ThatCurlyGirl · 02/10/2019 10:19

Oh OP I felt anxious just reading your post when it got to the text exchange. Poor you.

It sounds to me like he's had a warning and / or bollocking about this and is shit scared.

Arsehole behaviour to not even try to explain especially if this has been an absolute ton of bricks that you couldn't have seen coming.

You have to go into work but I'm not gonna lie I don't know how I would go about things as I'd feel weepy even though I never, ever cry at work. It's such a shit situation.

I guess if it's too much to cope with then it might be a case of looking for a new job and lesson learned that it's extremely risky to have a relationship with a coworker especially when you are at different seniority levels.

Sorry OP this is a really horrible situation Thanks

Whatnameisgood · 02/10/2019 10:19

OP, I don’t know how much you love your job sand workplace but I don’t think you should feel you have to run away if it’s somewhere that’s otherwise a good place for you. I gather that in the ‘senior man, junior woman’ scenario you describe its ususlly the woman who ends up leaving and, honestly, why should you??

Dazedandconfusedmostdays · 02/10/2019 10:30

Oh my darling, this happened to me, almost identical situation. Here’s what I did;

  • realised that he is a broken and toxic.
  • resigned
-blocked him
  • sought counselling
  • focused on exercise
  • spent time with great people
  • healed my broken heart

And I’ve just met someone who is everything that he wasn’t! My new guy is caring, compassionate, empathetic and blows the original out of the water sexually.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

Onwards and upwards Flowers

ElizaDee · 02/10/2019 10:40

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t

This is why you shouldn't get involved with people at work.

ELM8 · 02/10/2019 10:42

Either he's been given a talking to or he's in another relationship.

If you've met friends etc it's probably the former.. hope you get to the bottom of it!!

anothersecond · 02/10/2019 10:47

Hold your head high, op! Horrible situation.

Bellringer · 02/10/2019 10:52

He has taken advantage which will be frowned on. You have been a bit naive. He may explain privately and you decide together what to do, or he may just be an abusive twat. You may be able to complain, or find it better to leave or style it out. Take a sick day if you have to, you will get through it

tweedledeedo · 02/10/2019 11:25

I think the key is in the first text you sent. The thread that your colleagues can see.

He wants/needs it to remain secret and he feels you are being too obvious. Are you always the first to reply, over familiar and jokey etc.

I think maybe someone else on that thread texted him of was at work with him and warned him that he needs to be careful. It's his job on the line not yours if it comes to it.

Work definitely know, I've worked with so many people who think they are being discreet but it's obvious.

I'd just carry on as normal at work and do as he asks. Leave him alone. Permanently

BarbedBloom · 02/10/2019 11:33

I would text him and say something like, it has been appropriate every other time you wanted to sleep with me. Or at least keep all of the prrvo0us messages between the two of you. The reason for it is I know a friend that something like this happened to, his job was at risk and he threw her under the bus. He claimed she had been harassing him inappropriately and she was let go. She hadn't kept the messages and the only ones he showed them were the ones of her asking him to come over and his replies about being inappropriate. She did have the logs of calls between them but he said they were work related. Maybe I am just being suspicious here but the way he has phrased things gives me a rewriting history vibe.

Either way, I think things are done and I would be looking for another job. Flowers

peachypetite · 02/10/2019 11:35

I’m confused about the thread? Are you writing personal messages that colleagues can see?

tweedledeedo · 02/10/2019 11:45

Peachy she replied to a work related group message. Then she texted him privately.

I do wonder if she was over familiar and obvious on the group message though.

But agree that the repeating of "leave me alone" could be to cover his arse as he's facing a disciplinary for it. Makes sense

WellThisIsShit · 02/10/2019 11:57

Well something has happened, that’s for sure.

He owes you an explanation. But whether he’s going to behave with respect and gentleness... well, basically like a proper human being, who knows?

You take care of yourself right now. Flowers

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 12:00

Are you writing personal messages that colleagues can see?

I think the poster who suggested that is confused. She clearly states she texted him privately but publicly responsed on a work issue.

bbcessex · 02/10/2019 12:21

You poor thing OP - whatever the reasons, absolutely no excuse to shut you down like that.

I hope it's a blip and gets sorted ❤️