Think I've been suddenly dumped. in shock, please help me do the right thing

[thisisnotanappy]

I feel sick.

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know.

Up until tonight everything had been very positive, no hint of an issue.

Tonight I had dinner with a family member and replied to a thread about a work issue when I had finished. He responded, as he was still in the office. I then texted him privately asking if he wanted to spend the night together. He replied “not sure.”

I said “why?” He said “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Sorry.” Suddenly extremely formal. I thought he was joking and texted back laughing emojis. No response. I called him, he didn’t pick up. I texted him again what’s going on? He said “sorry, it’s just not appropriate. “

He eventually called me an hour later and his tone of voice sounded normal. He said “please just leave me alone, I want to go to bed.” I said what’s going on it’s like you’ve just had a 180 degree turn. He said, “no I am just very busy, stop overthinking.” I said I am not overthinking. Things seem to have changed. Either we are dating or not, which is it?

He said “I don’t know. Please just leave me alone and get on with your work. We have lots to do.” I said “what do you mean! Please explain?” He said “life is complex. Please leave me be.”

I am reeling. It feels like a cruel joke except there is no joke. There is no explanation, no reason for this sudden turn around and we spent the weekend together with my parents and we woke up together on Monday morning.

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t. He has completely changed the tone and the whole plan in the click of his fingers.

I can’t get my head around it. I keep wracking my brains for something I must have done or said to get this formal reaction. I’m assuming that if he no longer wanted to go out with me he would have told me.

The change of tone feels absolutely cruel, like only someone who wanted to punish someone else would do. It is completely out of character for him.

What would you think and what would you do? I am paralysed, I can't go into work.

Does anyone at work know you two are dating?
How old are you and him?
Just out of curiosity, when you first started seeing him, was he the kind of guy that was constantly contacting you, made you feel like you are everything to him? did everything just move on to quickly?

What is your organisation’s policy on relationships in the team? Seems likely that you were both supposed to disclose it and that he wouldn’t have been able to be involved in decisions about you, eg performance ratings.

If the policy is to disclose, you could still do this now.

If you want to have sex with or date anyone at work again, check the organisation’s policy and follow it!

HR wise he would likely be in MUCH more trouble than you given his seniority.

Tonight, you will meet me and give an explanation to your vile behaviour these last couple of days. I will decide what happens after hearing what you have to say!

I would not send a message like that at all!

He could potentially show that message to senior colleagues or HR and spin a load of lies as to how she is angry that he has rejected her advances and is threatening his professional reputation and blackmailing him to meet her.

If he is willing to give you an explanation I would recommend it to be a face to face meeting away from work.

Haha, PP who are saying the OP could be trouble ...... Erm I doubt it given that they didn't want anyone to know about the relationship.

The wanky senior twat who has pulled the rug under OP's feet deserves to give her an explanation.

If the OP wanted to she could make up a web of lies claiming sexual harassment etc.

See the bigger picture please !!!!!

Aqua - OP isn't officially dumped until he tells her.

OP, I would suggest you meet him away from work as others have suggested.

Unfortunately my experience of "secret" workplace romances have been the woman dropping hints and making it obvious to everyone because they want the validation of an proper relationship and they are worried it is only secret because the guy has someone else at work on the go too. It's embarrassing sometimes because people often do know but are pointedly ignoring it for whatever reason but they just have to make sure you know.

She does deserve an explanation yes but not via a demanding text. And the OP could spin a tale of sexual harassment but then so could the wanky senior and n question! OP needs to play this carefully not bull in a china shop like.

Omg please don't go with the suggestion of @letsdolunch321 it's asking for trouble - if he ever wanted to paint you as harassing and inappropriate then that message would be the nail in the coffin!

You don't sound harassing at all btw, he's been an arsehole and it's a shame - you have every right to feel really upset. Just try not to let it show at work because if you do then you'll only beat yourself up about it

Yes, he could be in more trouble than you because of seniority. Equally, he could be pally with another boss and they decide to push you out. Or he is deemed hard to replace and you're not so you become the fall guy. Not worth guessing.

As said upthread your only option is more of your icemaiden routine and zero contact, as hard as it is on you.

HR wise he would likely be in MUCH more trouble than you given his seniority

That might be your opinion. But its unlikely to be company policy. And it WONT be what happens if the shit hits the fan.

Younger subordinate women having secret workplace romances with senior men don't generally come off well.

Do you think? Perhaps am naive! At my work (public sector) the senior person would be in much more trouble.

I’m sorry but yes’m you are naive. And it’s pretty much the same in the public sector too - probably the woman would be moved.

Surely it's fair for OP to ask for an explanation. So long as you do it calmly and rationally with a "look it's obviously over, fine, but I deserve an explanation as to why you have behaved like this". If he doesn't give you one then just write it off and don't ask again.
Sorry you are having to deal with this OP, utter shit.

I do understand why other posters are saying that you deserve an explanation OP; it is really bad, verging on outrageous behaviour. However, if he is prepared to text you in that distant, offhand manner, I really don't think you'll get an explanation out of him, at least, not an honest one. As has been said before, when someone shows you their true nature, believe them. Move on, full regally polite Ice Queen - and find someone worthy of your Queenliness. Glad to learn he's already befuddled by your behaviour. I'm a little worried that he may put himself in a position to paint your recent text exchanges in a light less favourable to you than to him. All the more reason for breezy, brisk politeness. He's just not worth it.

OP while it sounds dramatic and I don’t think workplace relationships are as bad as some posters are making out, id be very careful with anything over text from now on and I would save any previous messages.
Under very different circumstances I also had a guy do a complete 180 and while I’d deleted all messages incriminating him he then kept the ones that suited him and turned it all on me. Before that happened I’d never have believed he would be able to treat me that badly but people surprise you with what they’re capable of.

Did you get through the day ok ?
You will be emotionally drained.

How’d you go with the rest of the day, OP?

Sounds to me like someone was in the background listening to him speaking so he was saying what they expected him to say. Or he was taping his end if the conversation to make it sound like you’re a sex pest and he was doing The Right Thing about dealing with a team member with a silly crush on him per company guidance etc.
Either way keep all the texts etc you have from him and just do your work as normal as though nothing went on between the two of you.
He’s a rat. Move on. A new job would be ideal

I thought you'd appreciate an update (or rather I'd appreciate telling you.) He called me this evening and said he'd left the office and could we talk about x, y, z work matters. I said no, I'd actually rather talk about why you did a full 180 on our relationship last night and haven't offered me any explanation.

He started out protesting that he was really tired and he "just couldn't think about sex or our relationship." I said that doesn't mean that you become completely distant and cold. You should just end the relationship if that's what you want. He said "I want to tell you honestly how I feel and the feeling is I just don't know. I can't tell you now if I want it or not. Do I care for you? Deeply. Am I here for you. Yes. I call and text you all the time. But I just feel asexual right now and I didn't have an answer about whether I wanted to stay the night. Please can we put pause on this for now and revisit it soon? I have a lot of things on my mind and whether or not I want to spend the night with you isn't one of them."

After me not buying that at all he basically launched into this story about how he was a terrible person and a sociopath and he worried he had manipulated me into thinking he was a kind and open person so that I would have sex with him. How someone strings that kind of deception over 9 months I have no idea, but I actually feel worse after that conversation. I actually feel like I want to take revenge or just tell everyone at work what a fucking awful person he is.

I would calmly end it and don't look back!

He sounds like a total bellend. I’d take back the control and end it myself and leave him to navel gaze as long as he fucking well wants.

Sorry OP. What a shitty thing to happen.

How utterly weird.

Do you believe him OP ?