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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I've been suddenly dumped. in shock, please help me do the right thing

362 replies

thisisnotanappy · 02/10/2019 07:06

I feel sick.

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know.

Up until tonight everything had been very positive, no hint of an issue.

Tonight I had dinner with a family member and replied to a thread about a work issue when I had finished. He responded, as he was still in the office. I then texted him privately asking if he wanted to spend the night together. He replied “not sure.”

I said “why?” He said “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Sorry.” Suddenly extremely formal. I thought he was joking and texted back laughing emojis. No response. I called him, he didn’t pick up. I texted him again what’s going on? He said “sorry, it’s just not appropriate. “

He eventually called me an hour later and his tone of voice sounded normal. He said “please just leave me alone, I want to go to bed.” I said what’s going on it’s like you’ve just had a 180 degree turn. He said, “no I am just very busy, stop overthinking.” I said I am not overthinking. Things seem to have changed. Either we are dating or not, which is it?

He said “I don’t know. Please just leave me alone and get on with your work. We have lots to do.” I said “what do you mean! Please explain?” He said “life is complex. Please leave me be.”

I am reeling. It feels like a cruel joke except there is no joke. There is no explanation, no reason for this sudden turn around and we spent the weekend together with my parents and we woke up together on Monday morning.

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t. He has completely changed the tone and the whole plan in the click of his fingers.

I can’t get my head around it. I keep wracking my brains for something I must have done or said to get this formal reaction. I’m assuming that if he no longer wanted to go out with me he would have told me.

The change of tone feels absolutely cruel, like only someone who wanted to punish someone else would do. It is completely out of character for him.

What would you think and what would you do? I am paralysed, I can't go into work.

OP posts:
Wishiknewthen · 02/10/2019 12:39

Whether he was reprimanded at work or not, it's an unacceptable way to behave to you.
I agree about keeping all his messages. I would also expect the decency of an explanation. You should not be left with all the inevitable emotional pain and confusion. You are not a dumping ground.

ImTheDamnFoolThatShotHim · 02/10/2019 13:02

Re-reading his response in the texts he sent you it's as if he expects them to be read by someone else.
Make sure you cover your back and keep ALL messages he's ever sent you in case that 'someone' needs to see it's not all one sided by you.

Original poster
thisisnotanappy · 02/10/2019 13:20

I took the coward's way out and am working from home. I have been on calls with him just the two of us (for work) and with other colleagues and he has been completely business-like. I have been an ice queen, like someone suggested above. He seems completely surprised that I am being like this.

I am having to resist the urge every single minute to demand an explanation. I don't know how I can cope without one. I don't know how he expects us to slide into this new way of being which is completely the opposite to the last 9 months, while speaking up to 10 times a day and seeing each other all day, every day on work-related stuff.

Surely I deserve an explanation? I feel like just resigning but I know I can't. I feel like he's a psychopath

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/10/2019 13:21

Have you see Dangerous Liaisons? I too thought your texts were being read by someone else and he wants to be able to say "It is beyond my control"

Orangepearl · 02/10/2019 13:22

Or he’s seeing someone else at work?

tweedledeedo · 02/10/2019 13:23

Keep it up op. And don't work from home tomorrow!

He's covering his arse or he's met someone else. Either way, don't let him know how you're feeling for now. He's not worth it

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 13:26

What do you mean you've been on calls just the two of you, is that written correct? Have you not asked him?

why can't you talk to him about it?

AntiHop · 02/10/2019 13:30

He's been a total arsehole. You deserve a proper explanation.

GrumpiestCat · 02/10/2019 13:31

Well done for resisting the urge to send a bajillion texts. He's on the back foot now. He's made his choice when he said he "didn't know" if you were dating and asking you to leave him alone - so he can bloody well lump it and be left alone now!

TheNinkiestNonk · 02/10/2019 13:31

Carry on as you are with the ice queen-ness! Don't mention it on "work" calls. You are owed an explanation but face to face and not in work time.

Dazedandconfusedmostdays · 02/10/2019 13:33

Well done OP. Don’t let this broken, toxic man destroy you. It’s all him, not you.

ScatteredMama82 · 02/10/2019 13:34

I wonder if he wants to end it, but is scared that if he does you can basically ruin him as he is senior to you and you could go to HR. I suspect the latest texts are a way of him being able to show HR that you were pursuing him. He'll keep those texts as evidence in case it gets nasty.

I'm sorry, it must be very hard on you but you must try to go to work and hold your head high.

GrumpiestCat · 02/10/2019 13:34

Re. being desperate for explanations - to be honest when a relationship ends there isn't always an explanation that the other person is going to want to hear. Usually it's that they've simply gone off you, or have their eye on someone else. Weaselly excuses are easier to wheel out and because we know they're weaselly we push them to be truthful but like I say the truth isn't always easy. I don't think any kind of explanation is going to make you feel any better. Actions speak louder than words.

eddielizzard · 02/10/2019 13:36

I agree, something's happened to make him back off. My strategy now would be to be completely professional and not allude to your relationship at all. I'd also start looking for another job.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 02/10/2019 13:39

I am having to resist the urge every single minute to demand an explanation. I don't know how I can cope without one.

A different scenario but a breakup all the same. I know this feeling. Like you have to sit on your hands to stop them picking up your phone every 5 seconds?

I will try and say this as gently as someone told me, but - you may never get an explanation. Ever. You need to prepare yourself for that.

On the plus side, it DOES get easier. You do find a way to get on without feeling desperate to incessantly rage all the HOW? WHY? WHAT? at him.

Just keep on ice-queening it.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 02/10/2019 13:40

Was the weekend the first time he met your parents?
I agree with other pp's it could be many a number of things from reading your op, all you can do is respect his decision and move on, what difference will knowing why it make the same result, at one point you say he's ruined the plan? What plan? Had you talked about the future together? Or maybe you was both on completely different roads to where this was going and your plan isn't the same as his, either way the best thing you can do is accept it and leave it go I'm sure one day the reason for it will show whether it be him wanting to start it up again or not.

Itsmostlygristlecath · 02/10/2019 13:44

Loads of people meet at work, I don't get these harsh replies.

Skinnydogfatcat1 · 02/10/2019 13:45

If you can, I would say yes you are completely correct it is inappropriate back to a professional relationship. That way you have taken the power from him.

However, I am not sure that I could be that cool.
If you enjoy your job I would not leave only unless it suits you.

cacklingmags · 02/10/2019 13:55

What a horrible man. Carry on being an ice queen. Do not resign until you have found a better job. Imagine he has foetid breath and skid marks in his underpants.

JustWonderful · 02/10/2019 14:02

What is your company's policy on workplace relationships, in particular between senior and 'junior' employees?

Has he been unaware of (or chosen to ignore) the policy and is now, either because he's found out or because he's been given a warning by someone equal or senior, shitting it and trying to break if off and/or pretend he hadn't been seeing you?

What about the email/messenger he sent you the "it's not appropriate" messages on; is it accessible by the company?

JustWonderful · 02/10/2019 14:02

Also is he single?

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 02/10/2019 14:06

Haven't read the full thread but what an absolute prick this 'man' is OP, poor youFlowers

Don't worry, he who laughs last laughs best. Just carry on being an ice maiden. Do not crack. Write out how shitty he is and how awful he's treated you on your note page on your phone so you can refer to it at work anytime you feel yourself overcome.

I guarantee he will start wondering how you're managing to not give a shit about him, the male ego is easily bruised, at which point he will start pressing your buttons again to elicit a reaction. Maintain your poise. That will fuck him up.

What a cruel way to treat someone. OP honestly there is a million times better out there somewhere and better jobs. And loads of people have relationships at work, loads. Nothing to be ashamed of at all.

BlingLoving · 02/10/2019 14:16

He's been found out. And you need to be careful because he's probably terrified that he's going to lose his job and this could cause him to claim that you were harassing him etc while he attempts to deny the whole thing (obviously, you have proof that you weren't, but in the moment that might be what he told whoever bollocked him).

pumkinspicetime · 02/10/2019 14:23

He has been found out at work and is choosing work over you.
You are going to either need to move out of his management responsibility at work or find a new job.
Office liaisons with your boss aren't the best idea for this reason.

gostiwooz · 02/10/2019 14:25

Work doesn't know

Oh yes they do. It is impossible to keep this sort of thing under wraps in the workplace.