Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I've been suddenly dumped. in shock, please help me do the right thing

362 replies

thisisnotanappy · 02/10/2019 07:06

I feel sick.

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know.

Up until tonight everything had been very positive, no hint of an issue.

Tonight I had dinner with a family member and replied to a thread about a work issue when I had finished. He responded, as he was still in the office. I then texted him privately asking if he wanted to spend the night together. He replied “not sure.”

I said “why?” He said “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Sorry.” Suddenly extremely formal. I thought he was joking and texted back laughing emojis. No response. I called him, he didn’t pick up. I texted him again what’s going on? He said “sorry, it’s just not appropriate. “

He eventually called me an hour later and his tone of voice sounded normal. He said “please just leave me alone, I want to go to bed.” I said what’s going on it’s like you’ve just had a 180 degree turn. He said, “no I am just very busy, stop overthinking.” I said I am not overthinking. Things seem to have changed. Either we are dating or not, which is it?

He said “I don’t know. Please just leave me alone and get on with your work. We have lots to do.” I said “what do you mean! Please explain?” He said “life is complex. Please leave me be.”

I am reeling. It feels like a cruel joke except there is no joke. There is no explanation, no reason for this sudden turn around and we spent the weekend together with my parents and we woke up together on Monday morning.

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t. He has completely changed the tone and the whole plan in the click of his fingers.

I can’t get my head around it. I keep wracking my brains for something I must have done or said to get this formal reaction. I’m assuming that if he no longer wanted to go out with me he would have told me.

The change of tone feels absolutely cruel, like only someone who wanted to punish someone else would do. It is completely out of character for him.

What would you think and what would you do? I am paralysed, I can't go into work.

OP posts:
toansweryourquestionyes · 05/10/2019 13:13

He sounds batshit

Alwaysgrey · 05/10/2019 13:14

He sounds like a grade A prick. I agree with keeping your distance and being cool with him. He wants to end it but what wants you weeping?!

HearMeSnore · 05/10/2019 13:25

Next time he asks you for lunch or to meet up outside work, the answer is "That wouldn't be appropriate."

He is not the person he presented himself as. No matter what the explanation is for his recent behaviour, he has shown himself to be two-faced and completely unreliable.

If you can stand working with him, professional but cold and perfunctory is all he should get from you.

0lga · 05/10/2019 13:25

He’s not batshit, he’s clever and manipulative.

BarbedBloom · 05/10/2019 13:26

Keep all meetings in work time only. You are doing well. Honestly, you shouldn't have to, but I would be looking for another job as I wouldn't trust him not to throw you under a bus. You know where you are now so just be professional and refuse to engage with any further relationship discussions. Keep the topic work focused.

If you want revenge then live your life and when ready, sign up to a dating site. If you want to needle him a bit, you can talk to colleagues about dates you have lined up and it will get back to him.

titnomatani · 05/10/2019 14:49

I'd start looking for another job @thisisnotanappy. This guy is going to gaslight you and anything else to get you to leave/get the sack and he's going to enjoy every power hungry second of it. Don't play into his hands. Maintain some dignity and be assertive as needed. I start writing down things to pass onto HR just in case the worst happens.

titnomatani · 05/10/2019 14:49

1110000% what @Olga said.

lottelupin · 05/10/2019 16:23

Think I agree with the job search option. You can't really tell how this will go down and you'd be safer to get totally out.

It's hard to know if he's bad or just a bit incompetent, but you must protect yourself.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 05/10/2019 17:08

Drop the ball? DROP THE BALL?

Next time he suggests you work is slipping, or might slip, ask him to give you concrete examples and when he can’t, suggest he concentrates on his own work performance.

Be very, very careful.

Angelf1sh · 05/10/2019 18:37

I think you should correct the impression that you were ill. You were not ill, you were working from home. If he goes round telling people you are dropping the ball and off sick and you’re not and you don’t correct it, then you will almost certainly find out that he’s setting you up to be fired for poor performance. If you have a union or a staff committee then I strongly suggest that you tell them everything before this starts to get out of hand.

TatianaLarina · 05/10/2019 18:39

I agree.

AmIThough · 05/10/2019 18:58

I agree too. Sick leave will go on your record. And you were actually working!

Cheeky fucker really is covering his tracks.

Germ1360 · 05/10/2019 19:13

Agree with the above posters: Union, tell them everything, go to HR, set the record straight on illness, protect yourself. In that order. He's going to try to fuck you over. Be very very careful. Wishing you lots of luck. X

AnneKipanki · 05/10/2019 19:17

Who gave him the right to say you were sick ?
You were working from home .

BlackSwan · 05/10/2019 19:40

You are well out of it. So it got too real for him when he met your parents. Not even very original is it. Sorry but I think it's an ego trip for him to dump you in the way he did, with the firm intention of leaving you unsettled and abandoned, feeling unsettled about your job and everything. But perhaps that is the point then of these personality disorders - not just that they don't care about your feelings, but take pleasure out of turning your life upside down. So sorry.

timeisnotaline · 05/10/2019 21:20

Hi HR , cc twatface,
I understand you’ve been told I was sick on day x. I don’t understand why this happened, but I need to correct it. I was not ill, i did work from home for the day but I worked a full day. Off the top of my head I had phone meetings with Sam and mike, Bob, 2 with twatface (which makes this mistake quite confusing), I spent most of the day working on x and also did some on y and z. There were emails through the day as well as the said phone calls, could you please remove the sick day from the record and leave it as a normal working day?
Kind regards,
Op

bluebell34567 · 05/10/2019 21:52

good idea timeisnotaline.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 05/10/2019 22:01

He sent flowers from work?

That's strategic.

Be careful, he's setting a scene here. Agree, get your sick record adjusted.

CodenameVillanelle · 05/10/2019 22:01

I'm really sorry but it sounds like he has met someone else. The rewriting of events and sudden personality change sounds like a man who is quickly trying to exit a relationship with minimal effort on his part so he can start a new one.
Don't let him target your work over this. He's the one who has done wrong being your senior and he's the one who needs his knuckles rapped.

billy1966 · 05/10/2019 22:03

OP,

Of course this is upsetting.

Please follow the excellent advice above.

Send the clarification email to HR asap.

Do not let that go.

You are well rid.💐

TatianaLarina · 05/10/2019 22:04

I don’t think he’s necessarily met someone else, it’s just that he wants to get out of this.

MaeveDidIt · 05/10/2019 22:23

I think you are handling the situation excellently.
He very obviously does not like it that you are holding your own very well.
Keep it up because this guy is a headfuck and he will crush you.

Carrotcakeyum · 05/10/2019 23:09

Well done for keeping your cool.
It's pretty sick but sadly true. Men can shit on you and cruelly dump you but when you don't cry/scream/beg/scratch their car's paintwork etc etc, they just cannot bear it.
Happened once to me a long time ago. I was really calm and accepting (for a variety of reasons).
He kept calling me and actually said he was devastated that I was so accepting and he wished me could "be like me". I pointed out that he was the one who broke it off. That we were adults and didn't own each other and that I respected his decision.
He hated that and I think he felt cheated Hmm

Annabe11 · 05/10/2019 23:15

Narcissistic, idealise, devalue, discard. Google it. Look after yourself x

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 06/10/2019 11:57

What I hadn't realised is that he had told the company I was ill (his reason for why I hadn't come into work) and had arranged for his secretary to send me flowers to my home from him and her and a few other people in our department saying that they hoped I got better!

So you were "ill" for one single day and he's arranging flowers?! Does everyone who takes a day off with a bad cold or the shits get floral tributes as well?