Think I've been suddenly dumped. in shock, please help me do the right thing

[thisisnotanappy]

I feel sick.

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know.

Up until tonight everything had been very positive, no hint of an issue.

Tonight I had dinner with a family member and replied to a thread about a work issue when I had finished. He responded, as he was still in the office. I then texted him privately asking if he wanted to spend the night together. He replied “not sure.”

I said “why?” He said “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Sorry.” Suddenly extremely formal. I thought he was joking and texted back laughing emojis. No response. I called him, he didn’t pick up. I texted him again what’s going on? He said “sorry, it’s just not appropriate. “

He eventually called me an hour later and his tone of voice sounded normal. He said “please just leave me alone, I want to go to bed.” I said what’s going on it’s like you’ve just had a 180 degree turn. He said, “no I am just very busy, stop overthinking.” I said I am not overthinking. Things seem to have changed. Either we are dating or not, which is it?

He said “I don’t know. Please just leave me alone and get on with your work. We have lots to do.” I said “what do you mean! Please explain?” He said “life is complex. Please leave me be.”

I am reeling. It feels like a cruel joke except there is no joke. There is no explanation, no reason for this sudden turn around and we spent the weekend together with my parents and we woke up together on Monday morning.

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t. He has completely changed the tone and the whole plan in the click of his fingers.

I can’t get my head around it. I keep wracking my brains for something I must have done or said to get this formal reaction. I’m assuming that if he no longer wanted to go out with me he would have told me.

The change of tone feels absolutely cruel, like only someone who wanted to punish someone else would do. It is completely out of character for him.

What would you think and what would you do? I am paralysed, I can't go into work.

I'd be FURIOUS that I now had a sickness day on record. Absolutely fuming. He had no right whatsoever.

I'm loving the approach suggested about being "bored" "it had ran its course anyway" etc etc

He is a cock of gigantic proportions and I would REALLY heed the caution about watching your back because if he would casually invent a sick day (is there anything OP can do about that??) then who knows what else he would invent. Agree with keeping all correspondence since the beginning, be that work email (send to personal email) texts, Whatsap.

It might also be useful to jot down a brief timeline of events. Seriously, you never know when stuff like that will come in handy.

Twat.

Cheeky fucker. I'd be fuming too.

Where I work a senior employee was having affairs with two junior employees, simultaneously, but separately.

They found out about each other and took revenge by emailing his boss and his wife to tell them all about it.

He no longer works with us.

Why do senior men keep abusing their positions by doing this? I know the young/junior women are colluding, but often that's because they have to real choice.

Be careful, he sounds like he could very well turn out to be a snake in the grass

I'd be FURIOUS that I now had a sickness day on record. Absolutely fuming

To be fair I think this is the least of the ops issue. And what was he supposed to do? Tell everyone he'd dumped her and she couldn't face work?

Op, I think on this instance sadly he was not feeling it as much as you. The fact you refer to the relationship ending, "as being thrown off a cliff" says you find this hugely traumatic, he clearly doesn't, he has ended it, and continued to function.

I'd look back at the weekend with your parents. It could be very telling it came straight after this, and you keep mentioning it, so it was important to you. Maybe he came to his conclusion it was getting to serious at that weekend, and started to realise what it would mean for him workwise.

He's acting strangely - in a sense though you're in control OP as he doesn't know how you're going to react, you've been evaluative and detached.

I'd lick your wounds and get the hell out of it.

You must be good at poker

I really hope the OP has sent that email to HR before work commencement tomorrow.

Extremely unwise not to correct her record, especially as he was so deliberate in his actions.

Should he try to manage her out, his actions in sending a ridiculous bunch of flowers could be crucial to her defence of her position.

Please send the email.

Tell everyone he'd dumped her and she couldn't face work?

All he had to say was that she working from home as per her own line.

It’s not so much that he’s not feeling it so much as this is his MO. - I’ve worked in a male dominated industry and in academe and you see the same pattern - older, senior guy fucking younger colleague/student.

They go on until the woman gets a bit serious. Then they have ‘doubts’ and angst over it, which is just a way of partially getting out while still being able to fuck her. And string her along a bit longer, play with her. It’s a power game, they like seeing her upset as if means she really likes them.

They don’t usually confess their game plan like this one has, but it’s pretty much the same nonetheless.

OP has subverted the game by not begging, crying at work and declaring love.

If he had been at all serious about the OP they would have discussed telling work and one of them moving departments. It’s the clandestine nature that’s part of the thrill.

@Bluntness100

He should have just said she was working from home. Breathtakingly unprofessional of him to state she was sick then do this ludicrous charade of sending flowers.

As other posters have mentioned that one "sick day" could impact on OP further down the line and trigger performance management/disciplinary. OP hasn't alluded to that I know and, hopefully, all will be well on that score. But it's the principle. And if he's capable of that then I'd be very careful.

Missed deadline/lost reports...

I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him.

Flawed character.

OP has absolutely no idea what he's capable after that stunt he pulled.

He gave that stunt some thought.

She shouldn't let his lie go un-corrected.

Sending the flowers was a very clever stunt, because whatever she does, the OP loses and he wins.

1. She tells Hr that’s she was not sick, she was working at home. They correct her record but tel her boss, who says that he’s sure that’s what she said. ( I’m assuming there’s no email to prove it either way). HR think Op is dishonest and her nice boss is covering for her.

1. She’s doesn’t tell HR, lets everyone think she was sick. It looks bad on her record. He can use it later to prove that she’s not committed to her job / unreliable

1. She doesn’t tell anyone at work that she wasn’t in fact ill. Colleagues ask how she is now and she has to lie. She feels guilty and dishonest. HR find that she’s filled in a timesheet for when she was supposedly ill and they question her .

She looks flakey and possibly dishonest.

The reason he sent the flowers was to establish that his version of events ( That she was sick ) was correct and not hers. And to show her whose in control - that he’s in charge of the optics, not her.

He’s very clever.

@Olga Agree - the flowers issue is sickeningly calculated. It's not normal to send a colleague flowers for a day's illness. Totally unnatural and highly scheming.
OP you are being amazing and one day I am sure you will find a new and satisfying relationship.

He should have just said she was working from home

Many many companies don't permit working from home unless without a reason. It's not just an option for everyone when they fancy it.

But this apparently one does Bluntness, because that is what OP agreed with work.

Yes and if anyone was so unwell that it generated flowers being sent on day one of sickness, then they shouldn’t be working at all. OP obviously was working as she took several conference calls. It’s wrong to suggest she was sick rather than working from home, he’s done it deliberately and she could find it later bites her in the arse if she doesn’t correct the impression pretty quickly.

Who authorised you from working from home @thisisnotanappy ?

I hope you have an email trail of this arrangement, if you don't you'll need to make sure that in future you put everything in email to him and cc or bc in someone else as well.

You definitely need to send the email to HR @thisisnotanappy.

And I hate to say this but I suspect you're not the first subordinate he's had a thing with and you won't be the last.

Just stay 100% professional from here on in. No meetings outside work, no conversations which aren't about work.

He is a calculating manipulative snake. Don't trust him an inch.

Ffs DO NOT involve HR!!

They're principal role is to keep management out the shit! The op could end up collateral damage and things could turn against her very quickly.

Everything in writing now is the way to go.

Sounds like he's with someone else. I'd move on if I were you

OP.... I feel for you. What a bloody horrible situation.

I have some tangental research experience in disorders. If you look through some of the questionaires used to identify psychopathy, you might find them interesting!

My advice?! Protect your career. If he is disordered, I would suspect that he ll want rid of you. In fact, he might get pleasure in the sort of tactics it might take to get rid of you. Personally, i d want to get as far away from this guy as humanly possible. Id start looking for a new job. But in the interim... Your VERY best tactic here is to give this guy as LITTLE information as possible. Individuals w these sorts of disorders are wrong footed when they feel they are not in control. And they only feel like this when they feel there is information that they are not privvy to. If you have a union, join it. Put a file together w every piece of written info you have. Write the timeline of your relationship (dates, times, as much detail as possible). And get out of there.

One day OP, you will thank your lucky stars you did not end up w this guy. If he is capable of this level of manipulation and dishonesty.... Can you imagine what else he us capable of?!

Go in to work and just deal with him profesionally. Treat him just as he is treating you. be cold and pretend nothing ever happened.refuse to talk to him if he ever changes his mind. It will be hard for you but he doesnt deserve u being upset over him. What an absolute t*at.

The OP needs to let HR know that there was a 'mix up' and she was not off sick on Wednesday, she was working from home @CallMeRachel.

She is perfectly within her rights to do that and has evidence of calls and emails with colleagues. It would cause a lot more confusion in my team if half of them thought someone had been off sick and the other half were involved in conference calls. It needs clearing up.