Think I've been suddenly dumped. in shock, please help me do the right thing

[thisisnotanappy]

I feel sick.

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know.

Up until tonight everything had been very positive, no hint of an issue.

Tonight I had dinner with a family member and replied to a thread about a work issue when I had finished. He responded, as he was still in the office. I then texted him privately asking if he wanted to spend the night together. He replied “not sure.”

I said “why?” He said “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Sorry.” Suddenly extremely formal. I thought he was joking and texted back laughing emojis. No response. I called him, he didn’t pick up. I texted him again what’s going on? He said “sorry, it’s just not appropriate. “

He eventually called me an hour later and his tone of voice sounded normal. He said “please just leave me alone, I want to go to bed.” I said what’s going on it’s like you’ve just had a 180 degree turn. He said, “no I am just very busy, stop overthinking.” I said I am not overthinking. Things seem to have changed. Either we are dating or not, which is it?

He said “I don’t know. Please just leave me alone and get on with your work. We have lots to do.” I said “what do you mean! Please explain?” He said “life is complex. Please leave me be.”

I am reeling. It feels like a cruel joke except there is no joke. There is no explanation, no reason for this sudden turn around and we spent the weekend together with my parents and we woke up together on Monday morning.

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t. He has completely changed the tone and the whole plan in the click of his fingers.

I can’t get my head around it. I keep wracking my brains for something I must have done or said to get this formal reaction. I’m assuming that if he no longer wanted to go out with me he would have told me.

The change of tone feels absolutely cruel, like only someone who wanted to punish someone else would do. It is completely out of character for him.

What would you think and what would you do? I am paralysed, I can't go into work.

@thisisnotanappy
Any news ?
What did you decide to do ?

Op, what he means is he doesn't wish you to make it obvious at work.

I think you need closure. Have the lunch. But accept it's over. Listen to his reasons. Whatever he may choose to tell you, be calm and dignified and then get on with your job.

If you can't tolerate being there, look for another one.

Maybe he's realised that the relationship is putting too much at risk. Yes, he should have realised before, but it sounds like now he's trying to close it down. For his and possibly also your sake.

He hasn't gone about it very well. And looks like he's also realised that and is now trying to talk to you properly.

But this isn't a teacher/pupil situation. You're both adults and I think you should get closure by hearing what he has to say. Yes he should have done it differently but if he's ready to explain then have the discussion, so you can get closure.

Given how you feel and how indeed your reaction has been to consider telling everyone at work, it sounds like closing this down is the best thing, before it becomes damaging for you.

Maybe she had lunch with him and spent the night with him.

Don't mess up your career over this.

he was a terrible person and a sociopath and he worried he had manipulated me into thinking he was a kind and open person so that I would have sex with him Believe him. There is that saying - "if someone shows you their true colours, believe them" - I would say that applies now, however much of a shock it is.

How someone strings that kind of deception over 9 months I have no idea And longer! Sometimes you don't get to see it until after you have got married/had a baby/are vulnerable - you have dodged a bullet!

If you feel pushed into going to lunch, or "talking" make sure he does most of the talking, and act as though he is recording it.

While also working, set time aside for you to go over this on your own.
Hopefully you have friends you can trust you can offload to too - and focus on finding someone decent next time

Argh OP I hope you haven't been talked around over lunch 😬

So I saw him in the office, like you told me to.

What I hadn't realised is that he had told the company I was ill (his reason for why I hadn't come into work) and had arranged for his secretary to send me flowers to my home from him and her and a few other people in our department saying that they hoped I got better!!

When we sat in the office I was an ice maiden and only spoke about work, and he kept saying "why are you being like this?" He said "I can't keep speaking to you like this, I want to speak to the real thisisnotanappy. What do I have to do? I can't bear you being like this"

Then he went into another big spiel (unprovoked) about how he realised he could not wear "two hats" anymore. The work hat and the relationship hat, and that he did it in the way he did it because he was still working it all out.

It seems like I have no choice but to move on. THis time last week he was at my parents' house. Then I was thrown off a cliff.

Be very careful OP.

The comment about not dropping the ball suggests to me he might try to manage you out.

Watch your back, do your job to the best of your abilities and keep your guard up.

Good luck

Well done OP you're doing brilliantly. He can't have the nice you back because he got rid of that person. He might be working it out but you're a step ahead actually. Ice maidens are all you get if you throw someone off a cliff.

Cheeky fucker with the flowers, the brass neck of the man! How dare he create a fiction like that!

Stay strong. You've hit him right in the fragile male ego as someone said. He wants your tears and texts to feel important (by ignoring) or your soothing reassurance that you understand. Just nope.

He told the company you were ill? He had no right to do that. He's really covering his own arse here isn't he. I hope you've found your anger now OP, and really see what a giant twat he is.

When he says 'why are you being like this?' you say 'I'm just being professional, that's the best thing, you said so yourself'. He's disconcerted that you've stayed calm. He will want to stroke his own ego by getting an emotional reaction out of you. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Well done. You've handled the twat exceptionally well.

Big hugs op, be Careful no more working days at home because of how he makes you feel.

Because I do sense he will do anything to make his life easier.

Keep all conversations to hand ready for evidence .

All meetings to remain work related, next time he says he can’t deal with how you are explain professional courtesy is all you have for him right now as all he is is your boss.

Friendship side has taken a back burner due to 180 turn , friendship is earned not a given and it is not a work or contractual requirement.

Make sure your in a union if the shit hits the fan

Request all meetings in writing and documented or notes emailed over as evidence of conversation for now ...

And, no meetings in your time - i.e. lunch.

He doesn't get your time beyond that which you are contracted to provide for work tasks.

It's all about HIM isn't it? HE couldn't wear two hats etc. Why couldn't he discuss these feelings with you like a normal adult? You're not a mind-reader. I'd explain this aspect to him then steer clear, you're worth someone better.

Wtf? So will you now have a sickness absence on your record when you were actually working from home?
You’re killing him by shutting him down . Hahahahaha , not what expected at all is it?

Ah OP don't let him be a headfuck.

I know it would be REALLY hard but I think breezy is your way forward.

Next time he does the "I can't bear to see you like this" bullshit do a breezy and calm voiced (not shrill or teary) "honestly I'm fine, it's done now and I just want to get on with work".

I often think a bored sigh goes even further than ice queen which is sometimes an obvious attempt to prove you don't care but makes it obvious that you do.

It's a shituation all round, chin up

What a dick. Totally agree with @ThatCurlyGirl - I would go for bored and disdainful rather than ice queen. Your life is full of more important things than him, it's done, it's shown you what an absolute wanker he is so you're just relieved to be rid of him, you're over it, you're already bored of his drama etc etc.

Well done, you handled it really well.

His secretary must know that something is going on, no one sends work flowers unless someone is seriously ill or in hospital.

He is so self centred - even though he has dumped you in a really nasty way he will wants you to be nice to him and feel sorry for him because of his angst. Poor lamb.

I agree with being breezy. He wants to think that you are devastated because you have lost the wonderful catch that is him. So don’t give the satisfaction . Be all “ it was fun while it lasted but it was just a casual thing . Its all for the best anyway, I was getting a bit bored and it had run its course “.

Etc etc

Meanwhile watch your back at work and document everything as PP said.

Well done OP! I’m sorry for doubting you.

Two hats - tell him to stick to his work hat from now on and to shove the other where the sun don’t shine.

All this ‘I’m still working this out’ is a lie. If he was working it out, he would have talked to you about it. About either coming clean at work or moving to a different department. How to navigate work + relationship. He’s already made his decision that’s why he backed off.

I am very concerned about the about sick leave lie. You’ve got a sick day on your record without your consent. Devious and unprofessional. Be absolutely clear to him he must never do anything like that again.

You must be absolutely vigilant about him throwing you under a bus at work to cover his tracks.

As OP worked from home on the day in question (provable) and didn't contact work to call in sick she is covered, I assume?

I don’t know how they will record it ultimately. She says he told the company and a few other people in the department clearly knew.

It could have caused problems if she’d spoken to anyone in work, and made it look like she was up to something dodgy.

TatianaLarina he's a right self serving cunt isn't he? OP may not feel it now, but she's had a lucky escape. Fuck knows what dick moves he would have pulled in the future.

Yes watch you back. He sounds like the type to turn very nasty now he’s not getting the reaction he hoped for.

Your!