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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I've been suddenly dumped. in shock, please help me do the right thing

362 replies

thisisnotanappy · 02/10/2019 07:06

I feel sick.

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know.

Up until tonight everything had been very positive, no hint of an issue.

Tonight I had dinner with a family member and replied to a thread about a work issue when I had finished. He responded, as he was still in the office. I then texted him privately asking if he wanted to spend the night together. He replied “not sure.”

I said “why?” He said “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Sorry.” Suddenly extremely formal. I thought he was joking and texted back laughing emojis. No response. I called him, he didn’t pick up. I texted him again what’s going on? He said “sorry, it’s just not appropriate. “

He eventually called me an hour later and his tone of voice sounded normal. He said “please just leave me alone, I want to go to bed.” I said what’s going on it’s like you’ve just had a 180 degree turn. He said, “no I am just very busy, stop overthinking.” I said I am not overthinking. Things seem to have changed. Either we are dating or not, which is it?

He said “I don’t know. Please just leave me alone and get on with your work. We have lots to do.” I said “what do you mean! Please explain?” He said “life is complex. Please leave me be.”

I am reeling. It feels like a cruel joke except there is no joke. There is no explanation, no reason for this sudden turn around and we spent the weekend together with my parents and we woke up together on Monday morning.

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t. He has completely changed the tone and the whole plan in the click of his fingers.

I can’t get my head around it. I keep wracking my brains for something I must have done or said to get this formal reaction. I’m assuming that if he no longer wanted to go out with me he would have told me.

The change of tone feels absolutely cruel, like only someone who wanted to punish someone else would do. It is completely out of character for him.

What would you think and what would you do? I am paralysed, I can't go into work.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 04/10/2019 10:09

@mummmy2017 if it's a company with a decent HR (which we are assuming it is as that's where you've suggested she go) then he won't be able to get her sacked easily. There are long ass procedures to follow.

TatianaLarina · 04/10/2019 10:09

Oh and every time he wants to talk about it just shut it down.

Just say ‘You have made your feelings clear. There’s nothing to discuss. Get back to work’.

MrsMaiselsMuff · 04/10/2019 10:11

Don't go to lunch.

Don't go to HR. They are there to protect the employer, not you. More often than not that means protecting senior staff, not you.

Have you worked there long? The best thing you can do now is get on with your job, and if things do feel uncomfortable, look for a new job.

MrsMaiselsMuff · 04/10/2019 10:13

There are long ass procedures to follow.

Not if she's not worked there two years, or if they offer a compromise agreement.

If the OP needs support she should go to her union.

MrsMaiselsMuff · 04/10/2019 10:13

Don't go near HR without union support.

MerryMarigold · 04/10/2019 10:15

It's clear he's had enough of you. Could be as simple as the conquest of you and thrill of an illicit relationship are over (perhaps someone more senior let him know it's actually ok!). Or could be he's spotted his next conquest. I dated a guy like this at work. He just wanted the next one, like children at Christmas opening presents. We lasted about 6 months so...9 months isn't bad. He's possibly kidding himself even that he's not the type of guy above, but basically he is and he can't keep pretending.

DameFanny · 04/10/2019 10:43

He's trying to play with you again. There's no need for HR - yet - but you do need to start covering your arse. Send him a clear email that you're not available for lunch today, but you're happy to make time for a catch up meeting in the office to review any work required. If he texts you on a private phone, you could respond to say "I'm fine to keep this professional, so can we just use office channels now". This should also stop him phoning at 11pm to talk about work - which means he wants to dangle you on a hook a bit more.

He's acting like a married man, or Fleabag's hit priest - " oh I want to be with you but I can't I'm not good for you but give me your heart anyway". And since he's not married or a priest he can only be doing it to hurt you. So protect yourself - personally and professionally.

And if it's a good job, don't let him drive you out of it. Keep on enjoying your work - and maybe ensure you're working with other managers so they can see you doing a good job too.

You can do this, honest

PlinkPlink · 04/10/2019 10:48

Discussions about work can stay in work. You dont need to have a conversation about your relationship over lunch.

You can go to lunch of course but insist on finding out how it is relevant to work. The second he starts discussing your relationship, get up and walk out.

Completely grey rock about it. He's treated you like shit and doesn't deserve any more of your time.

Stay strong OP.

Loopytiles · 04/10/2019 11:26

Decline lunch, in writing. Suggest that if he wishes to meet to discuss work matters, in work hours in the office, that’s fine.

More fool him if he put the “dropping the ball” in writing: keep it!

Is in he a position where he gets any say in your pay, performance rating, requirements of your role, projects, training and/or working pattern?

If so, depending on your org’s HR policy and your confidence in HR and senior management, I would still consider going to HR to ask that he no longer have influence over any management decisions about you due to the risk that your (now ended) relationship may affect his judgment.

TheNinkiestNonk · 04/10/2019 11:47

Don't go to lunch. Tell him if he has any concerns with your work then he can request a meeting in work hours. Tell him you are taking in a staff member as a witness.

AnneKipanki · 04/10/2019 12:03

As a PP has said do not respond to any personal messages ...work only .

LazyDaisey · 04/10/2019 12:17

I read “dropping the ball” as referencing the OP needing to work from home because she couldn’t face being in the office with him and not wanting to discuss work after hours (I got the impression this was normal in your relationship).

TatianaLarina · 04/10/2019 12:20

Yes his ‘dropping the ball’ is basically blaming her for reacting to his mistreatment in a way that is inconvenient to him - ie not carrying on as if nothing had happened.

Loopytiles · 04/10/2019 12:35

OP, you MUST turn up for work at your usual location. Don’t do anything that he could use against you!

AnneKipanki · 04/10/2019 12:45

Have you gone to your workplace today or are you still working from home ?

Comps83 · 04/10/2019 13:58

@thisisnotanappy
You need to keep everything professional from now on. If he wants to discuss work it doesn’t need to be over lunch he can arrange a meeting , if he tries to bring anything up other than work just keep repeating what he kept repeating to you in your first post ‘it’s not appropriate, keep all correspondence.
What a grade A prick

pumkinspicetime · 04/10/2019 13:58

I would be concerned if he is starting to talk about dropping the ball at work that he is finding having you around difficult and looking for ways to push you out.
A pp made the very sensible comment that HR are there for the organization and not you and that senior managers may be more valuable to them. This isn't guaranteed but worth considering.
I wouldn't meet him for lunch, make as much contact as possible in writing with him. Confirm you are always happy to discuss work issues, you could ask if he would like some meeting time scheduled.
Don't talk about your relationship again, shut him down if he try's to.
Are there any in company transfers you could do? If not I would be seriously considering job hunting.

ThatCurlyGirl · 04/10/2019 13:59

I would go with neutral but firm, something like...

Hi there. If it is business you would like to discuss over a lunch please send me an agenda over email so I can prepare to maximise productivity. If it is not business related I don't think it's appropriate. Many thanks.

Techway · 04/10/2019 14:26

Op, you have been discarded which is the cycle of someone with cluster B personality disorder. It cruel, sudden and shocking.

A few people have mentioned the possibility of him being disordered and if he is a sociopath or has NPD then nothing you say about your feelings will impact him.

Everything will always be about him and his agenda.

I actually trust what he said about him being a terrible person. Over the years he probadly has been called names and something registers for him.

However you only learn this after a period of time together and usually only in an intimate relationship. His ability to drop you without any suffering on his part isn't due to how worthy you are but how lacking in empathy and ability to connect.

Most of us have met disordered individuals but would not be aware.
The general consensus is the % number is higher than thought as it is based on those who are caught for crimes whereas many disordered individuals just wreck havoc with those they have a relationship with.
It is only when you have been burnt that you finally "get" it.

FairyJuice · 04/10/2019 14:28

No to lunch. He's the one who didn't want to blur the boundaries, let him live with that. Strictly professional from now on, only talk about work in work, no extra curricular chats or meetings.

He's definitely trying to play with you, and given that he hasn't said that work have found out or any other rational explanation, I would assume that something else is at play (ie another woman).

ISpeakJive · 04/10/2019 14:35

Asexual he said????? Oh do me favour..

Another woman is the only explanation I can think of....

thesunwillout · 04/10/2019 17:49

She's gone to lunch.

AnneKipanki · 04/10/2019 18:27

You could be right @thesunwillout

RantyAnty · 04/10/2019 18:30

No to lunch.
DameFanny had some good advice.
Save everything. Document Document everything.
Keep everything with him in writing from now on.
Completely ignore any messages or calls that aren't business or to your private phone, email, etc.

Had a chuckle previously people were saying don't go to HR for revenge. Then he comes back at her with dropping the ball.
A crazy would throw her under the bus and not think twice.

She knows her office politics better than we do. If you're not savvy with this type of thing, it might be best to seek out a transfer if one is available or start to look for a new job.

something2say · 04/10/2019 19:39

I reckon I'd have probably gone to the lunch, to see what he had to say. Interesting that the majority have said not to. I also think the hr stuff has been ramped up by legal thinkers, all possibly true of course, but I reckon I'd have been desperate to go under the radar and see what it was all about.

I tell you what tho, I'd have been utterly all over my work so no chink there. But just gutted that something I clearly hoped for had just gone away.

What happened op?