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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He won't let me go out

166 replies

Dramatica321 · 01/10/2019 22:20

We have been together over two years now and its only been recently that he has had issues with me going out in the evening without him.

I have been invited to birthday drinks at a bar near Clapham Junction of someone I work with (and her friends, including another of my colleagues). All of her friends and her live in London but we (I live with my bf) live in Hertfordshire (20 minute commute from Kings X). When I told him I was invited he was initially ok with it because he thought it was a few drinks after work at a bar nearby (we work in central London) then I would come home around 8pm.

However, I told him today it was at a cocktail bar near Clapham, which I thought I already told him, and he flipped and said no way should I be going and staying out late (I told him I would leave by 10:30/11pm) and that he knows I will drink too much and do shots then get home wasted

He is basing this on a time a few months ago when I had a work do, stayed out until 10:30pm but had a lot to drink. I then proceeded to say fine, but if I can't go out with my friends it is only fair if he can't go out with his late. More often than me, he comes home at 1am and sometimes gets so drunk he doesn't remember the train journey home and also doesn't text me for hours even when I ask if he will need me to cook him dinner.

He then said it is completely different as I am a young girl and he is also mainly concerned about my safety. He says the overground line can be very dodgy that late at night and he doesn't feel comfortable with me staying out late and particularly as I will be wearing more revealing clothing.

I then said it is still unfair if he goes outside zone 1 which he often does to concerts, then he went on about its different as I am a girl.

I just think, although he is only concerned for my safety, that he is being totally unfair. We then got into a argument about it and I even said to him, I don't mind the fact he doesn't want me to go (as he also said he wanted to hang out just the two of us this weekend, and that would be nice), but its the fact he won't make an effort to go out less either. I said relationships have to be equal then he went on about how I am always saying things like "I am not doing that because you don't do that" which I do because why should I respect what someone says if that don't practice what they preach.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is he?

OP posts:
Azure83 · 01/10/2019 22:23

He is not only unreasonable, he is being controlling. Massive red flag!

ellsisland · 01/10/2019 22:24

If he is so concerned about your safety why does he not come and meet you and travel home with you?

Mum2jenny · 01/10/2019 22:29

I’d tell him to fuck off, my life=my choice. However if he’s really concerned, suggest a time for him to meet you and then endure you get home safely. My dc are more than capable of getting home safely after serious drinking sessions as they book a taxi or travel in a group.

SinglePringle · 01/10/2019 22:30

He’s being a / he is a controlling dick and it has fuck all to do with your safety. Even if it did, the trains from central London to the ‘burbs around the times of 10.00pm to 1.30am are packed - I get them frequently and they’re often standing room only.

This man will increase his contemptuous attitude towards you if you stay with him.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 01/10/2019 22:30

Young girl? Are you 12? I assume not. I assume you are at least 18 and therefore an adult and legally able to make your own choices.

AnyFucker · 01/10/2019 22:32

Sigh

Whatisthisfuckery · 01/10/2019 22:32

He thinks of you as his possession, to control how he pleases. There’s one set of rules for him and another for you. Do you want to be in an unequal relationship? He clearly thinks he makes the rules. This won’t get better and it won’t go well for you.

GreenTulips · 01/10/2019 22:36

Tell him he’s stumping up for a taxi or a night in a hotel.

Or personally I’d tell him it’s none of his business and as a grown woman I can do what I like!

Interestedwoman · 01/10/2019 22:37

This is wrong. He even tried to control/comment on what you might wear.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/10/2019 22:39

You're not a young girl, you're a grown woman. You are more than capable of making your own risk assessments and finding your own way home. His 'concerns' have nothing to do with your safety and everything to do with controlling you.

Or in other words, fuck that shit.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 01/10/2019 22:40

He's not bothered about your safety. He's bothered about how much control he has over you.

Run for the hills OP.

Ronnie27 · 01/10/2019 22:42

I went through this with DH when we were younger and I used to go out in the city etc. In fairness he is police and has seen a lot of shit things happen to women over the years and doesn’t drink himself so just didn’t get it whereas I did sometimes used to drink too much on a night out and be a bit irresponsible getting home ie wandering off by myself on foot so both of us had to learn. Essentially he has to accept that it’s your life and your risk to take and your personal safety isn’t ever to be used as an excuse to control you in any aspect of your life.

MsTSwift · 01/10/2019 22:42

Is this real? Do you think it’s normal? Because it really really isn’t. Unless you are Saudi Arabian maybe

GOODCAT · 01/10/2019 22:43

He is. Don't back down. Don't let him play the safety card.

You are technically at risk going anywhere. If you ever back down on those grounds, it is a slippery slope and it is easy to find you won't be going anywhere unaccompanied. You are a grown up and perfectly capable of assessing risks for yourself.

SaireyDog · 01/10/2019 22:44

Run...👉👉👉👉👉

CalmFizz · 01/10/2019 22:45

Ew that a man you’ve had a two year relationship with views you as a ‘young girl’

DoctorTwo · 01/10/2019 22:45

Tell him he ain't your owner and if he thinks he is he can get to fuck.

BlahBlahBlahh · 01/10/2019 22:47

He then said it is completely different as I am a young girl and he is also mainly concerned about my safety. He says the overground line can be very dodgy that late at night and he doesn't feel comfortable with me staying out late and particularly as I will be wearing more revealing clothing.

If he is that concerned about your safety how about he comes and bloody meets you then and come home together. He doesn't want you to go and the fact he mentioned your clothing is a red flag.

If he thinks you're such a young girl why is he dating you? 🤔
Oh how convenient he wanted to spend the weekend with you... he is guilt tripping you.
Why are you allowing this behaviour? You need to nip this in the bud and leave he is controlling.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

WhoKnewBeefStew · 01/10/2019 22:55

If he's that bothered about safety, tell him you'll stay in a hotel. That way you don't have to travel home late at night Hmm

Livehopelove · 01/10/2019 23:03

Actually I disagree with alot of the advice on here (bash me....) but YABU. Personally, the thought of a trip home from CJ to Herts is a nightmare. Back into Waterloo, tube to Kings X or St Pancras, then onward mainline train. Proper nightmare. What a shame, if all your "London" friends live in London, that this couldn't have been organised more centrally. No-one ever called Clapham "Central London". So your BF is not unreasonable thinking of how you would get home late from there. He's also not expected to pick you up and accompany you home - sorry this isn't a playdate for a 4yr old.

Parker231 · 01/10/2019 23:03

Either stay over at a friends so you don’t have to travel home late or get him to collect you.

Thegullfromhull · 01/10/2019 23:08

Get yourself a premier inn near the cocktail bar.
And while you’re there find yourself a nice new man to shag in it. Why waste fifty quid.
Preferably one who goes for women rather than young girls

AhNowTed · 01/10/2019 23:08

Ah, the old controlling couched as "concern."

No no no.

You don't need to get his permission
He's not your dad
He's not the boss of you
It's not his decision

Macca84 · 01/10/2019 23:10

@Livehopelove you've missed the point. Whether OP chooses to make a 'nightmare journey' or not is her choice. Not her controlling (hopefully soon to be ex) boyfriend's.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2019 23:11

He then said it is completely different as I am a young girl wellifyoirea young girl he shouldn't be in a relationship with you as presumably that's illegal. Or he's just being a patronising dick.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who thinks I m15 and they're my Dad

Can you sleep over at a mates house or grab a cheap hotel?

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