Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

**

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

That's called life @morenicecereal if we didn't make mistakes there'd not 171 dating threads

@FMFL I know. It's crap!! Then he came back 4 months later to see if we could pick things back up. Just as I was getting over it. So be ready for that!!

@Notcoolmum no way...what did you do?!

@FMFL I met him but said I wasn't his fallback girl. He's disappeared again since. So I'm back at the getting over him stage

Wow, there’s definitely a pattern here. With me it was 4/5 months although he did have a couple of moments where he said he wasn’t sure but came back the next day saying he had just had a wobble, that he didn’t want to hurt me etc.
He was super smooth, charming, charismatic, attractive and “capable.” Made me feel amazing when he wanted; and safe . But he could switch it off and on which I discovered. And that was horrible.
Like you @supercali77 @FMFL and @lifegoes , I quieted my instincts that something wasn’t right, some things didn’t add up...

I’ve committed to listening to that voice in future, however seductive he may be (and that’s the hard part 😂)

notcool I do still have contact with Mr Big as he offers me great support with an issue I am having currently but as much as the slip up was fun I realised he really isn’t all that and I’m just not that bothered about him. I’m not engaging or making contact with him but still not ready to block him completely. The difference is I now know I don’t want to be with him. He is untrustworthy and emotionally quite stunted 🤷‍♀️ I always new this but I think I wanted him because it was a challenge. Now I know it’s not actually worth it. I will find great sex again but with someone who can offer exclusivity as well

Right. I need you lovelies assistance.

I was thinking last night that I need to start to actually get to know Mr Cactus. He isn't very forthcoming with information about himself unless I ask him, it's not him being secretive, he's just not that sort of person. Whereas I'm super open about myself without even being asked.

If I ask him a question, he'll answer it.

Where do I start? I'm not going to rock up to his tomorrow with a list of questions but I have no idea where to start. What do I need to know about him at a wee two months in?

Mr SAS and I were 5 months too when he finally decided he didn't want a 'relationship' (at least not with just me). My fault it got that far after I ended things and then started seeing him again but by the time he finally ended it I was ready. I met Mr Ad the next day so I'm actually grateful to Mr SAS for allowing me to find him.

Yes Mr Ad has his flaws but non big enough to put me off. He is lovely to me, he is respectful, tells me how he is feeling (good or bad), phones and messages me regularly and makes me feel happy. The happiness I felt with Mr SAS was surface level and intertwined with doubt and insecurity.

I know it cheesy but I can't imagine my life without Mr Ad in it now.

As @Marlboroandmalbec34 that sounds like a huge step forward. I'm genuinely so happy for you. You know what it's like you can read other people's posts and see clearly their situation isn't good. Even though you can wear a blindfold for your own 🙈. I always thought you deserved much better than Mr Big and I'm so pleased you have realised that too 👍

Also, although he started off quite shy in the intimacy department, I think together we're unlocked a world that hasn't been available to him for many years and things are getting more and more interesting! He'd never even had morning sex until me, bless him. All those years of missing out...

@Notcoolmum yes, I'm seeing my nice tinder friend for drinks on Sunday. He has already helped me loads with my DC's computer issue, saved me tons of money in the process as well. I at least owe him a drink or two. Plus he's just nice to talk to, no awkwardness, we message each other daily with little funny things or interesting links. It's just sort of developing slowly over time and it's nice. I'm happy to see what comes.

That's really good @MoreNiceCereal here's to slow burners 🤞

@Sunshineandflipflops I'm surprised you were ready to meet someone white so quickly after Mr SAS. You always sounded so invested. Do you think it was just because the click was there with Mr AD. Do you think you could have gotten over Mr SAS so quickly if you hadn't met Mr AD?

I don't have any bad feelings towards Mr S. I even understand his confusion given he was recently out of a long marriage. I'm just sad it was my feelings that got hurt whilst he was working his out. And a bit angry he hadn't learned more about himself the 4 months afterwards so that he opened things up unnecessarily for me after that time. Thankfully I had done some growing in the same time so I didn't go back for more uncertainty.

@Notcoolmum I think I would have happily plodded along with Mr SAS for longer as I did like him a lot and we had fun together but I always knew there was no mileage in it long term so was very much of the 'have fun while it lasts' mindset. When he finally ended things I had a little cry for a few minutes but i was also dealing with the news that my exh had thought he'd had a heart attack (he didn't thankfully) so was very emotional anyway.

The next day I knew I was ok and ready to try and meet someone who could offer me more than Mr SAS ever would. I deleted his number and messages and got back on the apps.

I actually found a photo of me and Mr SAS yesterday while looking through my camera roll and deleted it. The only one we ever had in 5 months and that was because he was asleep when i took it!

@Sunshineandflipflops

I hate being in photos so the day I have to be in a photo with Mr Cactus is going to be my worst nightmare

I'm not mad on loads of photos but what was lovely was that on our 3rd date (a day in London), Mr Ad wanted to take a picture of us as a memory of the day. It was a lovely picture too.

Mr S pressed to get photos of us together. We took them on a lovely day out walking in the peaks. Mr B has asked for a photo but we haven't done one yet. It would have to be a bed selfie as that's mainly where we are!!

@SBD1 with regards to your post. I would just ask for him to tell you more about him. Maybe start off with family etc and then see where the conversation goes. Or his life In general. At 2 months I would like to know about his past relationships, maybe a bit about his upbringing. Etc etc.

Always ask open questions. He'll tell you what he feels comfortable telling you.

notcool yes I know exactly what you mean. So easy to see someone else is been taken for a ride but hard to realise when it’s you. Like you I don’t have bad feelings towards Mr Big he just cannot give me what I want and isn’t emotionally mature enough to admit it and let me go. Maybe like your Mr S?

sunshine I am so happy for you and Mr Ad. He sounds great!

The photo thing is funny actually I think if they want to have pics with you it kind of shows a level of interest. I have 1 pic of me and Mr Big at a concert. 1!!! In 9 months and at that concert he checked himself in on facebook and uploaded pics of the bands but I never saw them as we are not Facebook friends!! 😂

Lots of matches on tinder. 1 convo on the go. Not an iron yet but still exciting that my Mr Ad, bookworm. Cornish, BC, SG might be waiting for me

I'm about to go on my second coffee date of the day today. I'm normally dead busy on a Wednesday but am free and it turns out some irons have been as well.

@lifegoes Well I do know about his family, as he's asked for advice before about how to deal with his parents and we've talked about it. Maybe I should just go in with - I don't know much about you and see what comes out haha

Yeah that's fair enough @SBD1 or make it light. 'Tell me something about yourself that nobody knows" or "what's the most interesting fact about you"

My update - Mr arty and I are still texting. He's back from being away. BUT initially he was so keen to meet when he got back, hasn't mentioned it since landing. We are both busy, and I personally never ask on the first meet. So for now i'm mentally dialling back. He could turn out to be the penpal sort and i've already cancelled a date to keep chatting to him so now i'm thinking - nope. Not doing that again

Mr Perfect, the man I had a ONS with a couple of months back but who lives (currently) hundreds of miles away is up over the weekend so we'll be meeting.

Currently I figure.....in the absence of anything solid with anyone, have fun where you find it

Hi All. So had my first date with Mr Dimples this lunchtime. I think it went ok. I'm new at all this but having so much trouble being able to tell what the guy thinks.... I have no idea what Mr Dimples thought of me. We both had to go back to work after our lunch so not expecting any message from him until later tonight if at all.... We don't seem to have a huge amount in common - have different interests but personally that's one reason why I want to meet new people - is to try new interest that I've not had before so could be good??
Does everyone have this trouble of having literally no idea what the other person thinks??
@SBD1 In answer to your post I'd just say ask some questions - but keep it light - not like an interrogation. I've only met Mr Dimples today and we talked openly about each of our divorces, our kids, where we lived and grew up etc. It wasn't like the Spanish inquisition just chatting and letting the conversation go where it did.

Good strategy @supercali77 he didn’t arrange something in advance? Mr Perfect sounds like the perfect distraction 😁

@supercali77 I think having fun where you find it is a great way to go.

it's probably also why Mr Green has already told me he is free on Saturday night and I've not made any other plans. Have an itch that needs to be scratched