Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

**

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

it has to happen outside childrens view

That's the point tho @SBD1 nobody is saying you are a bad mum. We are all just trying to give you advice. 9/10 times the advice on here comes from personal experiences or from reading about them on here and based on all the information you give us. Nobody gives the advice just off a whim or because they want to hurt you.

FWIW I think the thread is often hard on @SBD1 I'm not sure why!

I'm going against the grain. My two knew I had a BF very early on, maybe 6 weeks. Mainly because they saw a picture on my phone. But their dad has a GF and my younger was quite sad that I didn't have someone. She was pleased when I did. And pestered to meet him. They've met him twice for about half an hour max. They know that bf doesn't mean life partner. It's completely normal for people in their lives to have more than one bf. They know it will end. They know we will never live together. We never hang out. But hiding a large part of my life felt dishonest. And I'll be gutted when I split with Mr U so it'll be good to tell them why I'm sad or shouty. It normalises relationships and means they won't assume everyone is always a life partner. Plus they watch Friends. They see dating on it. People come and go. That's life. But they won't be building a relationship with Mr U.

And they won't be having a succession of uncles either as they won't be getting to know any of my bfs.

We are all doing our best to be good parents @SBD1 and we will all make mistakes.

I think we have to be mindful of our conversations being age approach and for the benefit of our children. From what I've read on here your son has had a lot of upheaval in a short space of time. And he is still adjusting to his new home and school as well as shared care between you and his dad. He is aware of tension between you both and also his grandma. You paint him as quite sensitive so I imagine he will worry about you. That seems a lot for what is still a small child, at 8.

When my kids were 8 our evenings were dinner, homework, bath, bedtime story then downstairs for me to do the housework. I saw my BF on my child free night and once at the weekend (when he was openly my BF). It was still difficult for them both when we spilt up as even seeing him once a week they had created a strong bond.

Now my son is 15 I worry if I've told him too much. He knows about Mr B because I spend a night a weekend in a hotel. I didn't want to lie about where I was or with whom.

@Peanuthedz I'd agree - mentioning BF's or dates is one thing.....but there were a few men in my house as a kid that came and went and tbh - I f**ing hated it.

Oh !! Exciting update. Matched with a guy a few days ago, texting quite frequently (still on the app) but lots in common and a definite “click” moment today! Seems really intelligent, interesting, fit and somehow comes across as kind too. Good vibes anyway 😃
Hopefully he will ask me out sharpish.

@lifegoes taking your bra off won’t work on me!

Hahahaha god loves a trier @SimonJT

Oops. Should’ve read the thread...

I am very very cautious about introducing bfs to my dc. The narc/abusive guy I went out with for a year but I never ever felt ready to introduce, something always held me back. Right choice in hindsight.
With fireman I never really got to that stage either in 5 months.
Maybe I’m too overprotective but I don’t want a series of bfs in my children’s lives either. (My DS is 13). So when it feels right, I will think about it.
FWIW my parents are still together, I’ve not seen this from a child’s perspective but I suppose that’s why I don’t want want to expose him to it, because I never was.

Sorry about the asshat ghoster, never and lolling at holiday bra @lifegoes and @SimonJT Sounds fab.

@MoreNiceCereal I like your ideas about privacy and our personal boundaries. That’s a very good way of looking at it and explaining to a child/young person. Also teaches them something too, about autonomy.

Thanks @KhaleesiTargaryen, I hope it works. Unfortunately this experiment of parenting takes years to pan out... Fingers crossed.

I've been wondering about the introduction to dc thing. I'm nowhere near ready for that though it has only been 6 weeks. I've thought about inviting Mr Y over for dinner/a film after dc is in bed and in theory it shouldn't be a problem- my dc is only young and wouldn't know someone else was there at all but somehow it still feels like a boundary.

I considered that too when mine were little @KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt but then it thought how scary it would be if they heard a man's voice or woke up and came downstairs so I didn't have my then BF over unless they weren't here or after we had met a few times.

Do you have child free evenings?

@KhaleesiTargaryen why don’t you ask him out ?

Has anyone had experience of younger men contacting them on dating sites and is this usually a genuine interest or some kind of ‘milf’ fantasy 😂. I’ve got 2 asking me out , both approached me as they are younger than my search range. Both good jobs and own homes etc and seem normal from convo and their pics and Facebook. I’ve said a few times I’m a lot older but they don’t seem to care 🤷🏼‍♀️. Has anyone had this ? Obviously its not a long term thing but they are successful good looking men who could find women their own age

My 14 year old son knows about MissH but hasn't met her yet, and I'm in no rush until I know if it's going to last which I still have plenty of doubts about.
I ask him plenty of questions about him and his GF, he's a teenage boy that's my job, but in return I feel a certain level of reciprocal honesty is fair (within reason).
My ex seems keen that if MissH and I are serious that he should meet her as she wants them to get on, which is nice of her but as I explained will happen when I'm ready.
MissH seems far more relaxed about this, partly because she'd like to see me more than on her childfree nights and because I think she's glad to finally find a bloke who is also happy to spend time with and show an interest in her kids.
But her 15 year old daughter caught us kissing while cooking dinner last night, so as careful as we've tried to be about being 'friends' sometimes mistakes get made! Daughter found our embarrassment hilarious so I don't think we've caused any lasting damage, other than who wants to see their mum snogging!

@Jane1978xx Me. My BF is 15 years younger than me. I thought it was a milf thing initially but he says he likes all women. Not sure I'd do it again or recommend it, depends how old you both are. We weren't intending to fall for each other but we did. He wants children, I am post menopause. It's in the back of my mind a lot. Plus I now look at men in their 50s who are my peers and think, "No. Just no".

I’m 40 and they are around 30 and I’m defo not having more kids. The men around my age seem to want younger women. But then when I was in my early 20s I went out with men of around 30. I guess we are all adults and it doensn’t really matter 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Every time I think, well done SBD you parented successfully it bites me in the arse

Oh that's just parenting all over @SBD1. You can only do your best and we all still beat ourselves up over all the ways we fall short. And we all fall short at some point.

That said, I certainly don't think you're a bad mum in any way. But I know (from experience) how easy it is to get caught up in things and not to think as carefully or act with as much caution as I (retrospectively) realize I should have.

I (and others) really are only suggesting a bit more caution because it does do often go to the dogs. And often without warning. Loads of the posters on this thread can (and have) told stories about just his happening, and in relationships that initially looked really great. None of us want you to get hurt.

Okay I’ve calmed down now, @lifegoes I know it’s just the way you write - I felt like it was an attack but I understand it wasn’t so apologies for my reactionary response.

As always, I shall think on all of your advice. Usually takes me a couple of days to process

And by just the way you write, I mean because you don’t hide the shit under the tulips - you put it plainly out there for me

Haha @SBD1 I don't think anyone hides the shit under the tulips on this thread. That's why it is so helpful. RL friends so often pussyfoot around giving out home truths. Many of us have had a small huff and nearly left because we didn't like what we were told but the advice is usually spot on.

It does sound like you've found a keeper in Mr C but yeah, only time will tell...

@Jane1978xx

I would always get milf hunters as I call them. 20-something babies looking for NSA sex, usually kinky. It's definitely not something I seek out. They add a decade onto their age and then explain in their profile. (or not!)

I'm late 30s and have dated as young as 32 but he seemed much younger than that in his lifestyle and maturity. Nice guy, but I felt totally mismatched even for casual. I wouldn't dream of seeing a man in his 20s.

On the other end of the scale Mr G is 8 years older than me but it feels meaningless. That might make me a bit of a hypocrite, with a similar age gap but flipped being ok with me!

@Jane1978xx I wish I had the guts 😂 after my recent thing with Mr Fireman I just can’t bring myself to ask. When we were seeing each other he’d always do the asking and somehow whenever I suggested something he didn’t respond enthusiastically.

I suppose it will tell me that he’s keen enough and I’m not forcing it.

I’m similar age to you and I regularly get guys 10-15 years younger. It’s not something that I’m up for tbh., however sincere.