Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

@fmfl if you don’t mind me asking what did you think he could offer you? I think sometimes I’ve pinned my hopes on the dream over reality. I thought we (Fireman) could be amazing together. He really devastated me, made me doubt my self worth, my personality, attractiveness... everything. Then I made my mind up that I was going to get over him, and look for the good things and people in my life that I could focus on and invest in.
Took a bit of time to change my mindset but I feel a lot stronger for it. x

@khaleesi I’m honestly not sure what I was hoping for really, I thought we were good together and had a real spark, I was planning ahead. Not massive things like moving in etc, just days/weekends together, meeting friends etc. I hoped he could offer me a relationship. It was going so well in the early days, and he seemed so keen, so now obviously I’m thinking back to where I went wrong and put him off when actually if I look back with a clear head there were clear red flags from the very start. I’m programmed to blame myself though, I think! I love your approach of looking for the good in your life, it’s something I need to get better at. I am ready to tell myself I’m not an unlovable failure! X

A little something for those that might need it.

@lifegoes . Great saying
..

@lifegoes really needed that, thank you.

@FMFL I really understand that. It was the same with Mr S. we had such a good and easy connection. I thought we were at the start of something amazing and real. When I met up with him recently he confirmed the same that we 'just fitted'. I'd have said at one point he was the more invested. So when he ended things I was devastated. I'm finding letting go of that connection we had very difficult.

@lifegoes thanks for sharing. It's very powerful.

@FMFL I'm so glad I was able to help in some way. I ended up reading a lot on how behaviour affects us, starting off strong and then reducing, randomly throwing out affection. It's highly addictive for the person on the receiving end, so dont beat yourself up on that score. So many red flags I also pushed to one side. More to the point, so many of my own instincts I ignored. I think that's what really stung in the end....ignoring my own judgement in exchange for someone else's empty promises.

khaleesi same. I started as a confident woman and 5 months later I was verging on neurotic. If someone tells me they're not interested I ping back pretty fast. I'd never met anyone who behaved as he did.

@lifegoes amazing bit of writing. One for a daily reminder

Wow so I fired up tinder and picking are slim! Might need to try one of the other sites.

Great words lifegoes

Glad everyone liked the post.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I was the same it actually annoyed me and anyone I did match with, their conversation was just poor.

Now I'm getting old matches coming back as I've updated my profile. I just feel like telling those, to do one.

Welcome back @Marlboroandmalbec34 has there been much contact with Mr Big after the 'blip'?

@lifegoes I've downloaded that. Might pin it to my fridge.

@supercali what would you say some of the earliest red flags are?

As for me. Well. My mum is still here bless her. My kida are struggling, as am I but i have a few songs in my head that are helping, depending what enotion is to the fore . Might post them as I think of them but right now I'm feeling... resolute so it's 0

Hope I've remember how to make linkies work

Bugger.
Can someone fix please?

Just reading a few posts from earlier and I think that's always the problem when it ends... the fact you had a feeling things weren't right, red flags or even just a gut feeling. At the start I think we tend to try and ignore or justify any issues. We do that because when the highs are there, they are so high. But unfortunately the lows are worse.

With my ex, I rem ignoring things like the love bombing. I didn't want to see it as that, I just loved he wanted me so much. With this last one, I remember telling myself over and over 'but it's ok he's treating me like this, not hearing from him in days, even if I sent a message, not being able to see me when I wanted to see him, only seeing him when it suited him (and I would jump to see him, rearrange my plans for him) because it's just sex and nothing more'

@lifegoes your last sentence there - my god that is exactly how I felt with Mr B! And if I asked for more I felt as though I was being too needy, and it put him off. Basically I was giving him all of me for crumbs in return. And I was grateful for the crumbs

Honestly @FMFL that's what killed me off in the end. And even now it's ended I find myself going 'why did I let my emotions get in the way, why couldn't I just accept what he gave me, it's better than what I have now' but the truth is, the way he treated me wasn't right. I was accepting crumbs.

I would read up on how FWB/FB worked and what I should expect. I spoke to friends and there were times I knew he was lying. But again kept saying, it's just sex. It's fine. My friend explained his FWB situation and he said it worked both ways and he never ignored them or lied. That's when I realised the lies were too much. The disrespect was too much.

a FB/FWB should work on both terms. There has to be a compromise. He couldn't give me that. And whilst all I want is a FWB I know that I can get it on better terms

I had a really deep conversation last night with someone from Tinder I'd sort of friend zoned (we've been getting to know each other slowly for weeks now, we've met once) and it made me realise that I'm pretending to be hard and casual and easy-breezy about relationships because I actually still feel really vulnerable and don't feel worthy of any sort of relationship at all. He had a lot of words of comfort and wisdom, and I wondered why I'd friend zoned someone like that in favour of a dickhead with a nice smile.

I need to focus on the nice ones, dammit.

Oh and @FMFL I felt the same giving all of me. Being there when he wanted it, being there when he text. When I ended it he had the cheek to say. Is it because I can't text you every day or give you the attention you deserve. (Yet I hardly text him first, I would wait for him to text me) it made me feel I had been needy.

Mr B and I were apparently exclusive and non-casual. Oh I wish I could just forget about him and more importantly, stop analysing every word I said and glance I gave him to work out where I went wrong

He had a lot of words of comfort and wisdom, and I wondered why I'd friend zoned someone like that in favour of a dickhead with a nice smile.
I don't know. A friend like this who has your back are like gold.

@DustMyselfOff

• Really smooth talker from the outset (practised)

-Never lived with a woman (42 YO) -When he talked about previous relationships they all seemed to be either 6mo or under or long distance (commitment phobe signs I later learned)

• If I ever backed off or cooled even slightly - he came running. If I advanced. He ran
• Actions didn't match words all the way through

Oh and guilt trips. He used those a lot. If he fucked up and I brought it up - he'd sob story all over the place and i'd forget my initial point and have to tend to his 'sadness'. After the fact I recognised it happened every time - it was a decoy. Pretty basic emotional manipulation but it took me a while to recognise it

@saltysally yes, I suppose I mean that I should have noticed it sooner and not.given Mr HK so much headspace.

Today all I feel is relief at having ended it with him, which says it all.

That really positive @nomorecereal are you going to have a date with nice tinder man?

@FMFL same goes. Exclusive. Non casual. 5 months. Then he announced he's not ready for a serious relationship. Right. Ok.

@Notcoolmum after 5 months! For me it was 3, which I thought was bad enough! Bit them he didn’t end it, just faded into nothing so I ended it for him, so I have no idea what reasons he thought he had. I’m chatting to a couple of guys on tinder, ones asked me on a date...I may say yes even though I feel rubbish.