Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

**

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

I agree with @supercali77 and @lifegoes Mr S was always very keen to say he'd never lied to me. But he did cheat on his wife. Wore his wedding ring (which would change from hand to hand) and told me he was falling in love with me to then say he wasn't ready for a serious relationship...

@Neverexpected2 that's so fucking gutless. How hard is it to send a quick text if you're not feeling it? We're all adults and don't want to continue a relationship with someone who isn't as into us.

@fmfl Good luck with the second date. I still get those anxieties 5 months on with Mr R. I just read books and have started watching documentaries and news programmes to distract my brain.

@sbd1 just a kind reminder that there is a long journey from falling in love to being in love. I have been falling in love with Mr R for months but I'm not there yet. I am going to introduce him to my children at 5 months because I need to spend more time with him. But it will go slowly, I will say he's a friend first, and see how it goes. He might run away when he sees my homelife!

Generally I see myself as baggage free (following on from earlier comments), I have been lucky to have relatively nice relationships with nice, non-abusive men and I haven't been dicked around too much. But being dumped and having a new relationship has really made me think about who I am and my strengths and weaknesses. I have learnt that I am assertive and I set boundaries but also terrible at communications and sometimes lacking in empathy. I can see reasons why my exh left - and while I think he's a coward for not working through them - I have an opportunity to be a better person. My children will be the main beneficiaries as I think about their needs more but hopefully I won't frighten Mr R away as I experiment with my newish personality and energy.

@Notcoolmum I don't plan to make a habit of it, at the moment seeing him on a wednesday night for a couple of hours and then most of the weekend works. It was more to do with how tired he was and the glass of wine he had, whilst it's not much wine I didn't feel I could send him home so I just made sure I got up in plenty of time before DS etc.

@StealthNinjaMum Well, I totally agree with you. Which is why I think it was important that we both acknowledged we're "falling" in love but aren't in love yet. I don't think you get to know someone truly until a couple of years have passed in which case you can't surely be in love til then. My timescale of two years might be a bit off but the general theory. I wouldn't say I love Mr C although I might jokingly say "I'm totally in love with him" but I guess that's the idea of him, or the idea of what we might have one day.

End of November will be 3.5 months. I don't plan on introducing him and then us all spending every weekend together. Just have a nice day at this place we want to go and then after Christmas we can spend a bit more time all together. I let DS take things at his space, he is usually very honest with me - if he doesn't want to do something he tells me straight away. He keeps asking to meet Mr C so I feel like I can't really say no. I have explained WHY you shouldn't meet a boyfriend really soon, because Mummy and Boyfriend have to get to know each other and decide if there is a future where we can all be "friends" which he understands but he also said "Mummy if you love Mr C then I want to be his friend" and its really hard to navigate a child who's decided that!

space should have been own pace

Tbh @SBD1 I'm not sure why you are even engaging in this type of conversation with your son so early in your relationship.

I might be being protective but I've never once had a conversation like that with my son whilst still in the dating stage with someone. For me that conversation would only start to take place when I'm very confident this has a future. My son has only ever met 2 men (since his dad) and both those were LTR and fully established before he was even told about them. And FTR my son and I are extremely close and we discuss a lot. But I refuse to let men come and go in his life until I'm sure they are going to be part of his life. - 2 months is not that

I suppose the difference then is that I haven't told my children that I have a boyfriend as they might want to meet him. They know that I have a new friend who is a man but then I have several friends who are men and it's not a big deal to them yet. I think my fear is that as amazing as I think Mr R is I still don't know him (as I met him through old) and other wiser-people-than-me on this thread have still been ghosted or unexpectedly dumped at this stage. Thanks to this thread I am very mindful of red flags and taking things slowly - although if I could I would see Mr R every day.

I would also keep in mind as a PP has said. Your son has been through so much already and not long moved back home with you. You've also admitted to missing parents evening (which I'm sure we've all done) he goes away at Christmas with his dad and within 2 months of a relationship you are talking about a man that you potentially love to your son. You are also having him stay in your home whilst he sleeps. It just feels a bit much for a child trying to steady "normality" in his life. Please be careful

@lifegoes He asks questions, I answer them. I don't believe in avoiding the questions and we've always had open and frank conversations about most things.

Different people have different opinions about timescales. I know a woman who took her son along to her first date due to childcare issues, and she's been married to him for 6 years now. I'm not comparing my situation with hers, because that's totally different. But I wouldn't introduce Mr C to DS in a month or so if I wasn't confident that it was the right thing to do.

@StealthNinjaMum I think you are taking the right approach personally. It's so easy to jump in quick and like you, I've seen and read so much about it not working out. A male friend is always a good opening. Because it's not a lie either 😉

@SBD1 how is he in a position to ask questions? How does he know about your love live? Who is the parent here????

Alright, I think its time that I say bye to the thread.

"You've also admitted to missing parents evening" what has that got to do with this? I already feel shit enough getting the date wrong but thanks for that.

Wish you all the best of luck in your dating endeavours

@SBD1 you seem to have missed the part where i said 'which we have all done'. But you seem to live in a novel. I'm not sure of your grasp of reality here, it's wonderful you have an amazing relationship in two months. You've openly discussed about your past and not able to process it. The issues you have with your ex, and his family. Etc

Yes you may not want to hear what is being said. Because sometimes it's tough to hear. But for the love of god. Put down the novel and see the reality of your life and your sons.

Thank you @lifegoes you always offer wisdom. To be honest sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't tell dc that I have a boyfriend as I do feel dishonest, I can empathise with @sbd1.

@sbd1 I would stay, there are so many experienced people here. It would be a shame for you to lose that. I love my real life friends, they're so well meaning but have never done dating, so I value this place much more for the experience and honesty. We all want you to be happy.

We are all here because we are leaning and taking advice and support from others. At 8 my children wouldn't have known I had a boyfriend (not at only a few weeks in) and when I did have a Bf when they were younger they were introduced to him as a friend. We had days out together where I watched them get to know each other and then he began to have sleepovers. It was all very gradual. I wouldn't have had him in the house when they are home until we all knew each other.

Now my kids are teenagers I am more open with them. Maybe too open? But again I would go at their pace and ask them what they were comfortable with. This is their home and my priority is they feel safe and comfortable in it.

I wanted Mr S to stay over (at 5 months) as I felt we were serious and stable. But he knew he had doubts and didn't stay. So it was the right thing.

@StealthNinjaMum I think your approach is a really good one.

@Neverexpected2 Sorry to hear you were ghosted after 6 weeks. It's completely shit and in no way about your ability to judge character. I've said before on here that my BF when I was an UG at university decided to end the relationship by ghosting me - after 3 fucking years. I had no reason to think that he was such a despicable and spineless low life. But he is (and always was) not good enough for me. So fuck him.

I'd echo the others about being a little bit cautious @SBD1. Both you and your DS are a bit vulnerable right now, as you're still getting used to a new living situation etc. In that sense, it does make sense to just be clear to your DS that he can meet him when you've had time to properly get to know him.

And also to protect yourself a bit. It is a really common thing on here for things to fall apart at 3 months. And at 6 months and so on. We've all been hurt before (and you have certainly been through a lot) so we do have your best interests at heart when we advise caution. Even if it might not always feel that way.

I think sometimes @StealthNinjaMum we can be overprotective of our children. I don't think it's dishonesty if we are protecting them at the moment. If they openly asked you I would say "yes but we are just friends at the moment" depending on age of course. Maybe discuss with Mr R and see what he thinks.

@Notcoolmum totally agree my son is early 20's now so it's a different conversation with him. But he knows I'm not the type to mention a guy unless I'm sure about him. I think because of that he trusts my judgement. (Wish I did 😂😂)

People are just concerned @SBD1, you (like all of us) are very vulnerable, no one is being unkind, comments are due to people being worried about you.

I’m a single parent like you, I do find your sons exposure to a new partner a bit worrying, the words boyfriend/girlfriend shouldn’t be really used around children, young children will say they love people we are close as it is natural for a child to do/say things that will please their caregiver.

MiniSJT has met MrNN admittedly, but after seven months, as a friend and three very short meets spread over three weeks. I now won’t have them do anything together until after our holiday (Japan for rugby, can’t wait!), as a holiday is a big change for a child, so I don’t want to add any worry by MrNN being around just before we go away. If he had said he loved MrNN I would have explained in age appropriate terms why that wasn’t the case and made sure he knows he does not have to like anyone that I like.

Awww I love that approach @SimonJT and I'm extremely jealous of your holiday bra.

• BTW. NOT BRA.

Where my bra come into it, I'll never know 😂

Oh yes if someone says they won't they will. One of the worst managers I ever had told me in a totally out of context way I could trust him in our first meeting. Nothing could have been further from the truth, as I learned

I normally ignore dating titles where people say they are honest and genuine for this same reason. Everyone on dating sites should be honest and genuine!

I don't want SBD1 to feel overwhelmed by all these responses, but I also think PP are right to advise caution and former boundaries.

I don't tell my DC about my dating life whatsoever. My 16yo DD saw my phone open to a profile once and overheard me chatting to an iron a while back and she put two and two together. But I told her that although honesty between us is valuable to me, there are private aspects of my life that I will not share with her. She accepted that, because there are aspects of her life she keeps private, too. I also have younger DC and they are totally in the dark.

It helps that they know I have friends from all over due to my (apparently off-putting) political activism and as I work remotely my boss is far away. So I tell them I am visiting friends, people they haven't met before because I know them through such-and-such protest, or meeting my boss for the day, etc. And sometimes I really am meeting friends or working! So the lies just rolls right off the tongue.

I won't tell them I'm dating for a long time yet - there are several reasons for this, but the main one is for their own peace of mind. They are curious and prone to anxiety, they don't need another unknown quantity.

Also I want something just for me, for as long as I can.

*firmer boundaries

Oh for fucks sake why is this so hard. I thought being open and honest with DS was the right thing to do. Every time I think, well done SBD you parented successfully it bites me in the arse

I think you sound like a good mum, @SBD1. You want to do right by your ds. We are all feeling our way forward here, I'm not saying my approach is perfect (and I myself should have been more careful with my own DD) but I have carefully considered what other people have experienced in this thread and elsewhere on MN and observed in the lives of my friends and extended family, and introducing a man early on has been fraught with difficulty and sad consequences. My friend has broken it off with her boyfriend recently after dating for four months and her DD was calling him daddy. It's a sad situation for that little girl.

@SBD1 Being honest is different to giving out details of private life I think.....Children can be worriers. My mother brought home a few boyfreinds, most short lived until my step dad. I was anxious about her wellbeing continually. It's an emotional burden, and I was several years older than your son during that period. Also, you're new to dating after a marriage - no matter how well you think you know him - people have been utterly blindsided on this thread by people they thought they knew. All of that rollercoaster, potential fallout - it has to happen outside childrens view. They don't need to know about it