Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

NoMore I go to the gym, mainly for the eye candy and to make me feel like I’m slightly fit, it’s also a great place to release anger, I have been today to burn some frustration.

Mr Skinny is asking to meet me tomorrow, I’m not sure if will, we have talked a bit but I’m not sure how much is just excuses and him trying to say what I want to hear.

@JeSuisPrest that's great to hear, sounds like things are progressing very very well, hope it continues to do so.

Love is he coming to you?
I was going to say earlier that I thought his lack of effort to apologise and try to make amends was a clear indicator of how much he cares. But I thought that was a bit blunt so kept my trap shut.
Sounds like he might be trying at least, whether you want to hear it or not is a different matter.

I'm so pleased for you too JeSuis, sounds like it's all settled down ( you had all that trouble with beach woman and a few insecurities)and it's now a healthy relationship.

I've been on this thread a little over a year now so it's good to see the happy stories.

NoMore I'm glad you are feeling positive.

I don't have any dating news to report. I have a fair amount of things to keep me occupied this week, so I'm content. I've deleted my apps and have definitely decided to take a break from dating regardless of how things pan out with Mr G. I have a rare child-free weekend this weekend so we are going to meet up. After that, who knows. And that's fine.

Mr C decided to sext me this evening and by golly I can’t wait to see him tomorrow. He’s coming with me to a hospital appointment but suggested I get to his two hours early......

I'm thinking of all my dates over the last 14mnths on here! The muscley guy was the worst. First date I was looking hot,sparks flying and loads of snogging( in the pub . The next day he was texting that he must see me.....now! Ok,I said,I'm taking dog for a walk. He drives the 30 mins over,we walk the dog but then he cant wait to leave,texting me later that there was no spark and good luck!
Mr garden gate who I couldnt get hard. At the time I couldnt even find it. Had all these fwb's who were jealous that he'd taken me for a meal and he didnt treat them.
The one who was gorgeous to look at,great kisser but got drunk and said he'd get a taxi home,but then txt me the following day saying he had attempted to drive,reversed into a wall and was locked up for the night.

I didnt reply.
Mr blue eyes who got me I to bed but didnt try anything on( once at the time but now I think it's a bit weird),he texts now and then,but disappears for weeks at a time.
Mr dadbod,who was sweet but wore Jean's from the eighties and overstayed his welcome that weekend. I just wanted to slob out and watch friends but hard when you have someone there.
The other twenty will come to me,I'm sure( probably is about twenty first dates!)

That needs a blog or a book deal, @kerkyra!

Oh,the tall guy I was with for 5mnths. During last summer.Recovering alcoholic and was a pretty decent bloke. But massively in dept and wanted to move in after a few months. Scared me to death! He was also the one who said I bet you looked so pretty when you were young.
So now I'm having a rest,its been the longest I've not dated in years and it's very relaxing.
Will still check in and read updates x

kerkyra I recognise a few of those but I missed the one about the bloke who got locked up for drunk driving 😂🙈

@kerkyra I hear you. 2 years with some breaks? Many first dates. 2 things that lasted 2 months and 4 months. The latter traumatised me with lies and headfuckery. A man I've named mr perfect who lives nowhere near me and who I could see once in a blue moon. Mr bee gees impersonator who was the most raging arsehole you could ever meet with a gf of 6 years. And now mr sailor. Weve exchanged 4000 plus messages and spent a weekend together. Hes now off sailing for a month and we still text like a couple of 15 year old schoolgirls. Hes lovely but a big kid and where's it really going? I gave myself a couple of months off after the headfucker one, back on them now for just over 2 months.

The kinds of people I like so far have been either too far away or arseholes. The ones that live near I run a mile from.... 'no spark'.It seems so uncanny that I'm wondering if I am emotionally unavailable? Or if OLD is just bloody hard and it might take longer than I expected? Either way I'm taking a break again. I threw myself in with gusto and emerged with some stories but also pretty emotionally drained. I've a lot of work on so that'll take up my time

Ant he has offered to come to me. I’m not sure what’s going to happen, he’s obviously having some issues with his mental health, I suffer from PTSD myself and I know I should be sympathetic but it’s hard when I have my own issues to deal with, I’m pretty grounded or I was and have been in a good place lately, I’m worried he will bring me down.

I kinda feel like I’ve missed out. I had one date and found someone perfect for me, I don’t have a load of embarrassing stories :(

I mean I do from my university days but they are all hideous sexcapades (some of which ended me up in hospital) so eh what can I do

Supercali77, you seem similar to me...lots of two to three month things. I've realised I am emotionally unavailable as I am either picking the idiots,knowing it wont go anywhere or i am dumping the nice guys.

Ant,yes,the drink driving bloke was early last summer. I was a bit pissed off I hadn't heard from him all the next day,then he txt saying and I was like oh,no thanks.

SBD1, you are emotionally ready and have a good one 😍 so you haven't missed out.
All my friends thought I was having a great time with all my dating,but no,its soul destroying! I may have let down a couple but most have messed with my mind,ie not texting,offering me breadcrumbs and wanting me then not. I've slept with one in a year,mr dadbod and glad I didnt with any others as I would have been more hurt.
Now I'm not dating,I will try and advise others!!?

@SBD1 Same, some of my sexcapades are so cringe I wouldn’t tell strangers on the net, I have some cracking sauna ones, but none that landed me in hospital.

Love from your previous messages I expected him to just disappear while convincing himself that it was you being unreasonable to make himself feel better. That he's coming to you either shows he cares more than you thought or is scared of being alone.
But at least it gives you some control back and the opportunity to explain everything that's been bothering you, not just this weekend.
Look after yourself first rather than worrying about him. Good luck.

I'm good thank you @JeSuisPrest thank you

Oh @SBD1 I think it's probably best you did get an easy run at OLD esp as you've been both sexually abused and raped so many times.

@SBD1 as funny as they may be to recount the last 2 years has left a sour taste. Some nice people. Some great. Some awful. But overall the emotions have taken a beating

@kerkyra yep. A month ago I met a tall handsome Frenchman who lived near. Good job. Similar interests. Good kisser. Into me. I fancied him. I felt suffocated and all he did was send reasonable amount of texts and arrange dates easily. The signs are there. Partly why I'm ditching it for the mo....why get anyone else involved in my ambivalence ?

I'm the same. I did OLD about 8 years ago after a hideous break up. Decided the time wasn't right for me so took a break. Somehow 7 years passed. I realised I was lonely and craved what my friends have in their partners and my children were growing up so thought I'd give it a try.

I think I've had 8 first dates in 18 months. Chatted to more people than I can remember. I've dated two of them for 3 months and had my heart broken by one I saw for five months. I've had good sex, indifferent sex and got lots of funny stories. But I'm still lonely.

What is etiquette regarding communication in and out of Apps? I've found most men are keen to exit the app as soon as you've chatted a bit and take it onto WhatsApp before you meet. I met most recent guy on Saturday, he is showing no signs of wanting to exchange numbers or take it out of App.

Is there any reasoning behind staying on app or leaving it? Guess I'm thinking it's easier to 'go dark' on an app ie unmatch and disappear...

@Lovemusic33 I agree with @Ant330. I thought you should finish it with Mr Skinny but it sounds like he might be willing to listen to you so I would give him a chance. I hope it goes well and his defensiveness / claims of depression don't bring you down but we're here whatever happens.

Fwiw a couple of months ago I said I was scared of arguments because me and ex didn't really argue (he just resented me). Well I haven't argued with Mr R as such but we have had discussions of boundaries like adults and he seems relatively emotionally intelligent and honest. It's still early days but it seems mature. I am going to introduce him to dc in the next couple of weeks, maybe invite him over for a drink.

Has anyone seen the 'green flags' thread? Those kind of threads can be nauseating when you're not in a good place but worth reading to remind ourselves there are some lovely people out there.

@ditherwood I think there are no rules. I was new to old and whatsapp this year and panicked at the first guy who asked for my phone number. Maybe he's new, maybe he's been blocked by someone like me, maybe he is devious! If you like the chat I wouldn't overthink it.

@SBD1 I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive this morning and I know you have been through some truly awful experiences so I think we are all sympathetic to you. However, you will see that a lot of us here are struggling with OLD and it can have a real knock on our self esteem and mental health. I'm very pleased for you that you have been lucky and met someone you are well matched with on a first date. And after your awful husband I think you deserve that. But I have also been abused, cheated on and generally have a crappy relationship history so I didn't like your comment you had 'missed out' on further emotional upheaval and pain by striking lucky on your first date. I try and be sensitive to others on his thread and wonder if you could have considered how it may have made some of us feel before you posted?

Again if I'm over sensitive than I really do apologise. But 18 months of trying to be optimistic and always ending up in the same place can take its toll.

I do agree with @Notcoolmum on this @SBD1 but some people on here have had an awful emotionally rollercoaster and joking that you wish you had the same is a bit insensitive.