Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

@SBD1 i think you are coming across a bit like you are goading people to get a reaction from them. Plus with all the things you say you've been through, I'd be hard pressed to function normally. I hope I'm wrong and you are just a blunt person who has been through a lot rather than anything else.

@Eesha eh? Why would I be goading someone.

@Notcoolmum Sorry, didn’t think of how that could come across. A lot of the time, because I’ve blocked a lot of all that out I can be a little distant from how it might make others feel. I’m extremely sorry if that upset you.

@kerkyra Beach Lady is still around, but very much in the background these days - I know he hasn't seen her for at least a month now, though she still messages him a lot. When I was there on Sunday she messaged him asking if he wanted to spend the day doing an activity together - he told her I was over, so thanks, but nope She still grips my shit sometimes, but that's my irrational insecurities and naturally jealous nature, but I try my best to be the bigger person.

I'm coming up to 11 months since I started OLD and I've had a 4 month relationship (the first guy I met), 6 month relationship (MrC) and a mad month in between those 2 when I met maybe half a dozen guys inlcuding MrPlumber who turned out to be such a good friend, we're still in touch and meet up for a coffee every now and then. And who doesn't need a plumber as a friend!?

I only had 2 bad experiences - the cuckolding MrBanker and the scary MrCopper space invader who insisted on trying to kiss me and hold my hand on a coffee date at Costas. . I did get ghosted twice by my very first iron who I never met with but messaged/face timed for 3 weeks and it really hurt me - I actually cried over it, he got back in touch citing the usual crap - broken phone blah blah so I called it a day with him - but it taught me the best lesson -

MEET UP QUICKLY

Thanks @SBD1 I appreciate the apology. I do think at some point you will need to work through the things you have gone through. THey can't stay buried forever and not have an impact. And they must be with you or you wouldn't mention them so often on the thread.

Lovely to hear from you @shitwithsugaron and I think we all really enjoy hearing from you. It's good to know there are positives from OLD and being happy is different from being smug. Without you, Jesuis and batshit I would have given up by now.

@Notcoolmum Probably, I’ve always been quite matter of fact think that’s how I deal with it. I’ll probably look into it next year.

Hope everyone is having a good dating Tuesday!

I'm new on here. Can someone tell me what OLD is please?!

On line dating @Sally99

I've been OLD for 16 months now and haven't had any majorly bad experiences, thankfully. A few 'relationships' that seemed to hit the 6 week mark then fizzle, 5 months on and off with Mr SAS who was lovely but just not emotionally available (to one woman at a time at least) and now Mr Ad.

I've realised that not many people (man or women) get to this stage of life with no 'baggage' (hate that term but can't think of an alternative right now) at all and we can't have everything we would ideally like in a partner/date but have to prioritise what is most important to us. I've realised that for me, one of those is monogamy.

I have felt quite battered and bruised along the way but have also learned a lot about myself and what I am willing to accept and what I'm not. I've also learned that although I can do being on my own perfectly well...I like being with someone.

I enjoyed this article

extraordinaryroutines.com/dating-two

Quote - As seemingly easy as it appears for everyone else to find "the one", it really is quite a rare phenomenon that a person collides with another person at just the right speed and tempo - with life circumstances, attraction, compatibility and readiness all culminating in the "perfect" relationship.

I like the imagery of dating as particles colliding randomly

Sorry to barge in btw!

sunshine I agree, I think life does leave its prints on us. Finding someone with similar core values and priorities is really important and, while I’ve also not had horrendous experiences, I’ve been hurt enough to thicken my skin and (hopefully) learned from that.
I’ve come round to the idea that my priority needs to be me, not in a selfish way but in a nurturing way if that makes sense.

Still trying to keep up (and failing dismally).

I'm so glad to hear it's going well for @shitwithsugaron, @JeSuisPrest and @Peanuthedz. One day you may have to admit that MrU is not really unsuitable at all.😂

Those of you who haven't been having such a positive OLD journey lately (or at all): I am often quite impressed at his much insight posters on this thread have gained into themselves through the processes of attempting OLD. It is so hard and I really do think it's a bit like buying those blind bag toys. You have no idea what you're going to get, even if it felt like it might be one of the good ones when you squeezed it in the shop. 😂

Or the idea of random particles colliding and occasionally it being right for them. I do really think that it's only luck that I managed to (fairly quickly) collide with a particle that works for me at this point in my life.

The thing is that I don't really wish I'd met him earlier. I've changed a lot throughout my life and so has he. If I'd met him at 25, I'd probably have thought he was a bit of an idiot. He's been through a lot (as have we all) and that 'baggage' is part of who he is now (as mine is part of me).

In that sense, I guess it's not a negative thing to have baggage. It's more about feeling that you've got your own baggage (more or less) under control and finding someone who has theirs (kind of) under control in such a way that you can cope with the combined baggage. Indeed, sometimes that baggage might compliment your baggage rather than just being something to be 'coped with'.

So, I'm rambling, but I think I'm trying to say that you are all awesome and dating is bloody hard. (I sound like a happy drunk saying goodbye at the end of the night here).

I do agree with you @Sunshineandflipflops I've learnt so much about myself in the last year from dating on OLD than I have in all my previous years. I've also learnt that as we get older we all carry some form of imprint on ourselves and it's just finding someone that can enhance our lives without compromising on our self worth or boundaries

Yes. I dont feel bad about the OLD disasters so much as....curious about people but also for myself kind of churned up inside. Why cant I seem to like the ones who are on paper perfect? Is it just me? Why do the spark ones either live a long way away (is that part of the appeal for me?) Or are seriously EU...again is that the appeal? It's hard to know if this is genuinely just chance or there is something going on with me that repeats these same patterns. Food for thought(for me anyway)

@WooMaWang I agree baggage is pretty normal and not really a bad thing. I've been single 20 months, online dating 14 months, 7 nice first dates, 1 FWB who I exclusively see now. I've learnt so much about being on my own and like @Sunshineandflipflops, I recognise I do enjoy being in a couple. Via this thread, ive learnt to spot red flags whereas in the past, would have always given the benefit of the doubt completely. I have friends who jumped into relationships asap after splitting as well as my ex and they seem to be suffering for it, and not recognising their true value and that they are ok on their own. I think things do become easier to handle once you realise your true worth.

JeSuis grip my shit ☺😃. Love it.
Well,as the weeks fly by,your insecurities will fade. All it takes is a good man who gets you.

I forgot about village man!! I really really liked him. But he was unavailable as wife had just left him. If he thinks I'm getting my christmas chipolatas from his shop then he can think again. Its embarrassing having him up the road and the fact he rejected me.
Anyway,all us single women. Our time will come. I feel super sexy at the moment and upbeat. Yep,I can get lonely but I'm doing so much more with my kids at the moment. Evenings sat alone,but not many men would watch bake off then love in the countryside!

SBD1,I can see your reply from a different side so no offence taken. I know you're excited and happy,just take your time. Alot of us found the three month mark tricky.

Just always make sure your little ds is priority and never put a partner first is all I can offer.

My youngest (12)has decided he doesnt want to go to dads for the night every other Friday. Just wants sat night eow. Now,if I had a bloke,I'd be trying to convince him to go! As those four days a month are a godsend. But that would be wrong. I've got two others,20 and 18 and the time has just flown by.

Hello,bit of a lurker here but have posted before. I’d like to add to the reflective ‘is OLD worth it’ comments! Last time I posted I was very fed up with it having had a bizarre/intense/upsetting 6 months with the ultimate Mr Unavailable. I took a break and then thought I’d give it one last go. I paid for GS and got quite a few chats, and in the spirit of the thread vowed to meet them all quickly. Well I had 3 first dates and wasn’t interested in pursuing more. I was very down about it and felt it was me, that I didn’t know myself, I was too fat, too giddy, too cold etc. You guys have been such an amazing invisible friend to me as we go through the same experiences. My yoga teacher said that when we feel broken, especially heartbroken, those cracks are what let’s the light in and prepare us for what’s next. The day after that I had another first date and this Friday will be our sixth date! It’s mega early stages but just to have had one positive first date made me feel so much better. OLD is so tough and this thread is epic. If only all OLDers had the self awareness and human that I see here every day.
Joining Woomawang as the loved up drunk at the end of the night 😁

@kerkyra I'll be your date!
I'm driving the hour to Mr Ad in a bit and am gutted I'm missing bake off and love in the countryside, as much as I want to see him 😂

Haha,thanks sunshine. Have a lovely eve with Mr Ad

Oh yes, even lurking on this thread has been a godsend. Learned so much. I always feel bad as I've never been good at the supportive stuff like some amazing folk on here. I still haven't got the book but I will... looking back over pre OLD relationships I can't believe how I just ignored so many red flags and just barged on. I wish I'd had the knowledge and support from this thread at 20. Or even 30 or 40! Ah well, better late etc

Hi all - sorry I'm a bit behind as just back off holiday but will read back and catch up. My update is rubbish - made it to 6 weeks and MrWade has now ghosted me 😡

Well. I took the plunge and reinstalled Bumble again today. I just felt like I was actually ready to have another look and see if there was any FWB potential out there. I've met one possible iron - not sure if he's generally my type, but I'm open to it and I do like his profile pic. Going to call him Mr Copper, because he was until recently and it seems to be a big part of his personality. We've discussed parameters and we're pretty much on the same page, am trying to arrange a coffee date ASAP to see if there's a spark (thanks for the tip whoever said it was essential) but with my kids, his shift work and my full time hours it'll be tricky to arrange without a bit of luck.

I also had a potential 'moment' at work today. Went for a brief walk at lunchtime and saw a nice looking chap walking towards me. Smiled at him, he smiled back, so I took a deep breath and instead of looking away smiled again and held his eye a second. I don;t know if I imagined a flicker or what but it made me a little giddy and that was a nice feeling after Dr Dick (STBX's new nn) and all the emotions he's put me through.

Moral of the tale - time to put myself out there again. OLD for some FWB action and leaving my desk and wandering around a bit to see if there' might be some slower burn long-term possibilities around. Am going to hit the gym tomorrow - mostly to actually, you know, use the gym, but if there's eye candy I won't complain.

God I need a shag. I think after giving birth to my second child is the only time I have been this long without sex in 15 years. It's killing me.

Oh fuck - Date arranged with Mr Copper.
Am scared/excited. Any tips?

Dr Dick is 'babysitting'.

Hi everyone! I'm back and have been lurking with intent! It's great to hear everyone's stories as we really are on a bloody journey and it's great when someone finds someone then we seem to go on their journey with them and watch the relationship unfold. Love the fact we have some lovely success stories in here and they're still around giving us hope looking at you @JeSuisPrest and @WooMaWang.

I've decided to add my story as I think it's good to think back about the good and fucking awful decisions I've made. So I've been old since Feb this year and in that time I've had some amazing first dates - Hugh Jackman anyone? And some dismal ones - MrImgoingtotalkatyoufor60minutes. I've had a 3 month relationship with MrTall who broke my heart and it took a good month for me to heal. Anyway enough of him - so that brings me to now. I've joined tinder for the first time and am loving it! I've got a lovely WA conversation going with MrMechanic and we're enjoying talking about tyres, brakes and engines. He's really hot and is very articulate when he types - he's also a bit cheeky which I really like! MrTravels aka Mr Babyface is also on the scene who is a bit of an ego boost for me as he wants to take me travelling (pesky kids are stopping me) I'm, of course, joking about the kids! MrHiker has turned full on stalker and sent flowers to my workplace unfortunately he sent me lilies and I have a dreadful allergic reaction to lily pollen so messages and asked if he was actually trying to kill me! There were chocolates in too so he was forgiven - in all seriousness though I've told him if he any chance at all then he has to back off or I'll block him from everything! So, long story short I'm actually doing ok and enjoying old again.