Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to not tell dh im going away for a night?

331 replies

Cherriesandroses · 29/09/2019 21:27

My dc are 9 and 3 and I haven’t had a night away from them since they’ve been born. I’ve had evenings out with friends but not a night away.
Two of my best friends have been talking about having a night away in a city, maybe seeing a show and I want to go but I know dh wouldn’t ever agree to it.
He’s away on business for a fortnight in November and I’m tempted to leave the children with my parents for a night (they’d have them happily) and go and not tell him.

Wibu? I guess if he found out afterwards he’d be livid.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 29/09/2019 22:12

I’m not allowed to go away for the night

Then leave the kids with your parents and GO... have a great time.. You're DH is a DICK Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 29/09/2019 22:12

*Your

Belgianbuns · 29/09/2019 22:13

Don’t lie and do it behind his back. He will find out and you will look extremely guilty of something you have not done. But it doesn’t sound like you have a fair relationship where you trust each other. Rather than going away for the night I would be more interested in sorting out my marriage to a dick that tries to control me!

MrHaroldFry · 29/09/2019 22:15

OP. You are settling. You know it, I know it, the dogs in the street know it.
Use the time when he is away to make changes at very least. But I would be making plans to leave.
As others have said he is controlling you and this IS abusive behaviour.

Yabbers · 29/09/2019 22:15

I’m not allowed to go away for the night.

Then you have bigger problems to solve than this one night away.

Dee1975 · 29/09/2019 22:15

I think he being unfair to you by not allowing you an away night, yet he has been in stags etc ..
Maybe explain the children are older now and now it’s your turn. Whatever his argument, just turn it round in him.
Sounds like he’s being controlling

Outsomnia · 29/09/2019 22:16

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

Why not? Get your ducks in a row, read the many threads about emotional and controlling abuse and feck off into the sunset without him.

Easier said than done, but why live in fear like this. Anything else would be better surely.

Bananalanacake · 29/09/2019 22:18

but he's away too. it's not like you're leaving him to feed them dinner and get them ready for bed, though a normal partner would be happy to do that anyway. if your parents are happy to have them for a night then go for it. a loving partner would encourage you to have a night off from the kids as you deserve it.

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 29/09/2019 22:19

Hi OP, if your parents are
ok with looking after your DCs then please go out with your friends and have a wonderful time,

munzero · 29/09/2019 22:20

You don't ask him if you can go, you tell him it's what you're doing. 'H, While you're away the kids will spend 1 night at my parents while I go out with 2 friends.' Why does he have an issue?

Nomorepies · 29/09/2019 22:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Leeds2 · 29/09/2019 22:26

Your DH sounds thoroughly unreasonable, and there is no reason whatsoever why you shouldn't go away with your friends overnight (as long as you can afford it).
I would though be wary of either telling your DH lies, or not telling him at all, because the probability is that he will find out (the 9 year old could easily say something, or your friends or parents) and you will look vey guilty.
Could you only tell him the day before you go, so whilst he is away? Post pictures of your night out with friends on social media, and refer him to that if he wants to know where you have been.

70rule · 29/09/2019 22:26

You need to leave this man. He is abusing you.

LannieDuck · 29/09/2019 22:27

One rule for both of you - either it's ok to go out with friends occasionally, or it's not.

Absolutely unreasonable if it's ok for him but not for you.

Lyingonthesofainthedark · 29/09/2019 22:29

You ARE allowed. You are an adult.

Iggly · 29/09/2019 22:31

Have all future nights away from him by leaving.

Ask your parents for help and support.

Belfield · 29/09/2019 22:31

Will you get beaten op. If not then I would go and then tell him afterwards and deal with the consequences. You are going to need your friends when you leave him so should expend your energy building up your support network

HairyFloppins · 29/09/2019 22:33

It's no life to live OP not being allowed a night away. He doesn't own you, you only have one life, live it for you not him.

scubadive · 29/09/2019 22:34

How are you accepting this situation if he goes away.

Why are you not allowed, does he not want the responsibility if looking after the children by himself? If so you can ask your parents to have them even if he is there so you can go away.

I just don’t understand this?

Definitely go whilst he is away, you don’t have to tell him just say the children had a sleepover at the grandparents because they wanted to ( children bound to let slip) you just say you had a quiet night in.

drivingtofrance · 29/09/2019 22:35

Oh OP.

This isn't a fair, equal relationship.

Please think carefully about how you want the next 40,50,60 years to pan out.

Your husband does not own you and can't tell you what to do.

Butchyrestingface · 29/09/2019 22:36

Wasn’t a problem pre kids. Now it’s a massive problem

Yes, it’s not uncommon for abuse to begin when the female partner is pregnant or has young children.

I’d be going away for a lot longer than 1 night.

GlitterSparkle85 · 29/09/2019 22:38

Allowed?seems a bit unfair and one sided what is he scared of that you might be doing? Dont think it's a good Idea to lie as lies always have a habit of finding themselves out I'd be open and honest but cant understand why you're not allowed

Celebelly · 29/09/2019 22:39

Your kids are old enough now to mimic behaviour and be aware of what your relationship is like. If you won't get out for yourself then at least do it for your children before they grow up thinking that this how normal relationships work.

INeedAFlerken · 29/09/2019 22:40

You are in an abusive relationship.

You need to find a way out of it.

Get legal advice. Talk to your family about helping you leave.

resipsa · 29/09/2019 22:41

Are you sure it's him and not your projection? I used to think like you then recently announced that I was going away for 4 whole nights next year and DH said 'good for you, enjoy' Smile