Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to not tell dh im going away for a night?

331 replies

Cherriesandroses · 29/09/2019 21:27

My dc are 9 and 3 and I haven’t had a night away from them since they’ve been born. I’ve had evenings out with friends but not a night away.
Two of my best friends have been talking about having a night away in a city, maybe seeing a show and I want to go but I know dh wouldn’t ever agree to it.
He’s away on business for a fortnight in November and I’m tempted to leave the children with my parents for a night (they’d have them happily) and go and not tell him.

Wibu? I guess if he found out afterwards he’d be livid.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 29/09/2019 23:32
Thanks
testingtesting111 · 29/09/2019 23:36

From what you have said (if he knows you're out he will hound you and demand proof of where you are / what you're doing) this would be a very very bad idea. Think about it. Given the ages of your kids, it is likely they may accidentally say something / he may find out another way. What then? If he is as controlling / paranoid as you've indicated then He will most likely be very angry. Then what? The fact you're considering doing this behind his back points towards you being frightened of him. You probably need to speak to someone like Women's Aid. Good luck.

FenellaVelour · 29/09/2019 23:40

“Not allowed”

If your friends told you they were in a relationship like this, what would you say to them?

Tavannach · 29/09/2019 23:41

Do you want your son to grow up to treat women like this, or your daughter to grow up to think it's alright for men to treat women like this?
I'm sorry OP, but look into help on how to fix your relationship, or leave him.

rubyroot · 29/09/2019 23:55

Ffs go out, tell him to suck it up and don't answer the phone if he calls incessantly. Be strong.

Cecilandsnail · 29/09/2019 23:57

Allowed? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Who does he think he is?!

73Sunglasslover · 29/09/2019 23:58

I’m not allowed to go away for the night.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

I am really worried for you. What help do you need to get out of this relationship?

Aprillygirl · 30/09/2019 00:15

You’re not a child and he is not your father. He’s your husband, your equal. He does not get to tell you what you are and are not allowed to do anymore than you get to tell him what he can do. Tell him you are going whether he likes it or not, switch your phone off if he hassles you when you’re away and if he gives you grief when you get back tell him to leave or leave yourself. Do not let this bully control you for one minute longer.

VenusTiger · 30/09/2019 00:45

Do you know of any really old and wise ladies you could refer this awful issue to OP? They will tell you, life is precious and don’t waste it! Don’t let your children see that this kind of behaviour is normal. He is not in charge of you, you are a partnership. You are equals. There is no trust here and yet you’ve given him zero reason why he shouldn’t trust you.

kateandme · 30/09/2019 01:41

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3701325-Am-I-crazy-to-want-to-divorce-over-this?pg=4

op please read your other thread and the replys

Heyitsanewname · 30/09/2019 02:41

Wtf. No man tells me or my DC what to do

valleysareus · 30/09/2019 02:46

Take them two weeks to move into your parents.

DonKeyshot · 30/09/2019 03:13

Don't tell him in advance. Tell him after you've had your night away and tell him that you enjoyed it so much that you intend to have regular breaks with your friends and will expect him to look after his dc while you're away.

Come on, honey! No self-respecting woman kowtows to a controlling and abusive arsewipe and it's high time you kicked your arsewipe into touch or out of your life.

prawnonthebarbie · 30/09/2019 03:33

I'd be living with my parents op. He's abusive. You realise this isn't ok?

welshladywhois40 · 30/09/2019 06:51

Hi, my ex husband was very similar. I wasn't allowed away overnight and he hated me going out late at night too. He had anxiety and would spend the whole time imagining that i was cheating etc. If I was out li had to be in contact regularly during the night.

So although his anxiety was his reasoning, his behaviour was controlling. I am not sure if he does other things but every decision then becomes a battle field.

I left him 4 years ago and never looked back. Am happy with a lovely new partner who I never have to ask permission to do things but rather I can planning to do this- do you mind?

Smelborp · 30/09/2019 06:56

You absolutely should go. Whether you tell him or not is up to you, but he should have NO SAY in what you do in this way. It is not his place to allow you or not to do this.

I agree this sounds abusive and you should deal with that. For now though, why don’t you arrange a fun night out with your friends and think about whether you want to miss out on those going forward if you stay with him.

Benes · 30/09/2019 06:57

You know this is abuse right?

Durgasarrow · 30/09/2019 07:09

Don't tell him beforehand. If you go, just make it seem spontaneous.

Original poster
Cherriesandroses · 30/09/2019 07:13

I find that I end up not doing things because it’s so stressful that it’s easier not to.
He’s ok about me going out in the evening if I message him when I’m there and during the evening a couple of times - but he’s not that happy now the nights are darker.
Overnight presents a major issue. I’ve asked a couple of other times - for convienence - if I can stay at a friend’s and he’s said no and that’s it. That’s why I’m worried if I ask him and he says no I just wouldn’t be able to go. The anxiety around it makes it not worth it.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVoxi · 30/09/2019 07:20

Does he dress his unreasonable behaviour up as concern? What reason does he give for not wanting you out after dark? You're a grown up being treated like a child. At best he's failing to understand a healthy adult relationship dynamic and at worse he's knowingly controlling you because of his own insecurities. Either way, it's no way to live. There can be no double standards in a partnership.

NerrSnerr · 30/09/2019 07:21

Does he ask your permission when he goes away for the night?

You know this isn't right. Do you want your children growing up in an environment where a woman can't do what she wants?

VeniVidiVoxi · 30/09/2019 07:23

Can I suggest that you stop asking him and start telling him what you are doing? Be more forthright, but also be aware that might bring things to a head if he feels he's losing control. Don't wait for things to turn physically nasty before accepting he's doing you harm.

Ugzbugz · 30/09/2019 07:29

You need to go.away for more than a night, you need to go permanently or he does. You cannot let your children grow up around a monster like that, it will cause them problems their whole adult life and they will probably end up in the same situation. Please leave.

Moon108 · 30/09/2019 07:30

Oh no this is not right. I TELL my husband my plans, I don’t ask? He does same with me. Unless there’s a major issue eg both got plans on same night and no babysitter, it works for us.

Idontwanttotalk · 30/09/2019 07:35

"He’s ok about me going out in the evening if I message him when I’m there and during the evening a couple of times - but he’s not that happy now the nights are darker."
When I have been out with friends for the evening there is no way I would message my DH once, let alone a couple of times during the evening. You can't possibly enjoy yourself if, at the back of your mind, you are thinking of messaging him. Neither would I message him when he is out with his friends. I think that is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

Do you stop him going out with friends when the nights are darker?

"Overnight presents a major issue. I’ve asked a couple of other times - for convienence - if I can stay at a friend’s and he’s said no and that’s it."
Why are you asking him? Why aren't you just informing him that you wil be staying over?

Does he ask you if he can stay out overnight or for a few nights?

Is he controlling in other ways?