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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to not tell dh im going away for a night?

331 replies

Cherriesandroses · 29/09/2019 21:27

My dc are 9 and 3 and I haven’t had a night away from them since they’ve been born. I’ve had evenings out with friends but not a night away.
Two of my best friends have been talking about having a night away in a city, maybe seeing a show and I want to go but I know dh wouldn’t ever agree to it.
He’s away on business for a fortnight in November and I’m tempted to leave the children with my parents for a night (they’d have them happily) and go and not tell him.

Wibu? I guess if he found out afterwards he’d be livid.

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 01/10/2019 17:48

Good post @ThatCurlyGirl.
OP, it sounds like your friends know about your situation and that they love you.
Don’t put yourself in fear or danger, but think about your worth. You sound so ground down. Talk to your friends and parents about how you and your children can safely get away.
If you told him you were going and he objected and you went anyway, what would I’ll happen? Would you worry for your safety in that situation? If so, best not to. You will never feel relaxed or happy on the night out or in your marriage until you get away from him. I really wish you the best x

EnglishRose13 · 01/10/2019 18:06

You've got how many pages of everyone telling to you this is not reasonable and yet you're still saying you're going to ask him?! Why? Just go out and don't come back.

Dorsetcamping · 01/10/2019 18:27

You mention potentially leaving the DC with your parents. What do they make of what's going on?

SwanNecking · 01/10/2019 18:32

So you have no access to money and you are not allowed out. You seem to ignore literally everything everyone has said to you. Never mind asking his permission, start standing up for yourself, pack his bags and tell him to not ever come back.

Buyitinbamboo · 01/10/2019 18:44

Ignoring that fact that your husband is controlling and clearly financially abusing you too, it's not ok to allow your friends to pay for you then bail out last minute when he says you can't go so don't do that.

Ludways · 01/10/2019 20:01

@ThatCurlyGirl hear hear. I'm a bolshy bitch so when I tell people I was in a dv relationship they're always shocked that me of all people didn't "grow a backbone", Oh were it that easy.

OP I really hope you go, you deserve to have a night away and to be free and happy even for a few hours. Please look towards leaving, let this be day 1 in your planning. Good luck, so many people here have been through it, we're all here for you.

ThatCurlyGirl · 01/10/2019 20:08

Thank you @Ludways like you I'm the last person people would think it would happen to. To be honest I'm the last person I thought it would happen to.

I'm sorry to bail - I've tried a few times to explain but I've found it really hard to read the victim blaming and lack of understanding despite the posters like us trying to explain.

I've asked MNHQ if they might be able to step in and share some info on victim blaming as well as info on how safely leaving an abusive relationship needs planning and risk assessment - you can't "just leave because he's a dick" etc.

To anyone else who has been through this I'm so sorry. To OP I'm sorry and I hope you manage to get out and get the happy life you deserve.

Much love for all Thanks

athenagoddessofwar · 01/10/2019 20:12

Your anxiety is justified because you're being abused. Be kind to yourself. If you can't manage it this time, I hope you will next time. You absolutely CAN leave this man. Remember how brave you are, and how you don't deserve to live like this. I wish you nothing but the best.

toemvarrzaw · 01/10/2019 20:17

If you asked him and he said no, then you said tough I'm going anyway, what would happen? He would just have to lump it wouldn't he! Tell him or don't tell him, just make sure you go and have fun!

giantnannyknickers · 01/10/2019 20:25

Ok I agree with what everyone else is saying re controlling behaviour and I've been there but to help you overcome you're anxiety maybe you could phrase it like this

"friend bought me a night away on x date, I have already booked a babysitter, I'll be back on x date" leave it at that.

Make it a fact and not a question. No more discussion on it. You could even say it to him in front of your mother or friends so you have some backup to go,

ThatCurlyGirl · 01/10/2019 20:36

@toemvarrzaw

I'm sorry but it's likely he wouldn't just "lump it". You ask what might happen? He may hurt her or her children - it's awful and wrong but it's true and it's the reason that poor OP is so scared. It is most important that she leaves safely so she only has to do it once and can have a beautiful new life please god.

@giantnannyknickers

I know you're trying to be kind but making something a fact and not a question just isn't even an option when this level of abuse is going on, it's what we all wish we could do but not a safe option.

OP I really hope you're OK, as I think you know you need to make as quick and safe a plan to get out, but to factor in as many safety measures as possible.

I'm willing you on - do not feel weak, you are strong and just trying to do the best for your children Thanks

JengaNonConfirming · 01/10/2019 20:45

I always find these type of threads so sad. There are so many women out there living half lives with these horrible and controlling men.

Op, if your family don't like him, won't they help you get away? Do you want your children to live like this and see it as the norm!?!

justasking111 · 01/10/2019 20:55

On the other thread the OP states she has a very large inheritance from her grandmother, so I am a bit confused.

SwanNecking · 01/10/2019 22:07

I disagree @ThatCurlyGirl you can just leave if you need to and many of us have had no choice but too.

AhNowTed · 01/10/2019 22:38

This thread is bloody awful and makes me feel, I don't know what, speechless, angry and frustrated.

The OP, before she can move on in any way, needs to at least acknowledge that she doesn't need to "ask" permission, and it's not for him to "allow" her to go, and she is far from that point.

CallmeAngelina · 01/10/2019 22:41

If he says I can’t go - I don’t know.

But you are an adult! He is not your dad, ffs!

flumposie · 01/10/2019 23:42

It's not about her showing the dc a bad example, I never said that. But she asked for our opinions and I gave mine . It's the fact her husband is clearly not going to change so somehow she needs to . It sounds like friends and family know what he is like.

ScabbyHorse · 01/10/2019 23:52

YANBU

Excited101 · 02/10/2019 00:00

How would he be if you just went anyway op? Can you see how dysfunctional this set up is?

Dieu · 02/10/2019 00:03

He sounds awful. OP, are you ok? Thanks

SusieQ5604 · 02/10/2019 01:28

NOT ALLOWED? What are you, a 12 year old? Fuck that fuckin' shit. 1. Tell him. 2. Go. He can like it or lump it.

Snog · 02/10/2019 01:43

It's not ok for your DH to be so controlling. Control over an adult in a marriage is completely wrong and is abusive.

Durgasarrow · 02/10/2019 02:19

Go away for the night and keep going

messolini9 · 02/10/2019 11:24

Ignoring that fact that your husband is controlling and clearly financially abusing you
Yeah, let's all ignore that, @Buyitinbamboo. I'm sending you a prize for most asinine comment on the thread.

it's not ok to allow your friends to pay for you then bail out last minute when he says you can't go so don't do that.
Do you have comprehension difficulties?
Is this how you would prioritise your concern for a real life friend? By "ignoring" the abuse she is suffering but going all catsbum mouth about the cost of treating her for an evening if her situation causes her to bail?

@Cherriesandroses - take NO notice of these idiotic comments. Your friends have already offered & are happy to pay for you, If you have to back out, they will understand your reasons ... IF you are brave enough to start telling them the truth. You will find that their responses mirror the 99% of responses you are getting here - horror, sorrow & support. Same with your parents. You need to start opening up to trusted people in real life, as well as talking to Women's Aid.

Talking to trusted real life friends & family will also help you to start accepting the facts of your marriage, & that you are genuinely in a very abusive situation which - with support - you ARE capable of escaping. Flowers

MNHQ
HebeMumsnet · 02/10/2019 12:50

Afternoon, everyone,

We've been asked to post some links to advice and support on this thread, which seemed like a good idea.

Perhaps most importantly, here's our link to our Domestic Violence webguide in case any number there is of use.

We also have a piece here about coercive control and another on spotting the signs of an abusive relationship.

And we put this page together with the help of women's aid, which might be of interest for anyone who knows someone in an abusive relationship or even is just talking to them on the boards.

We appreciate that everyone wants to give the OP advice and support and that it all comes from a good place but we have had to delete a few posts that we felt were either victim blaming or just went a bit beyond 'advice'. We're sure the OP is grateful for all the responses but please do bear our talk guidelines in mind when posting and remember that someone's situation is rarely quite as simple as it might appear from reading their posts, particularly when they're in a difficult or vulnerable situation.

OP, we're going to move your thread over to the Relationships board now. We wish you all the best.

Thanks, everyone.

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