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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to not tell dh im going away for a night?

331 replies

Cherriesandroses · 29/09/2019 21:27

My dc are 9 and 3 and I haven’t had a night away from them since they’ve been born. I’ve had evenings out with friends but not a night away.
Two of my best friends have been talking about having a night away in a city, maybe seeing a show and I want to go but I know dh wouldn’t ever agree to it.
He’s away on business for a fortnight in November and I’m tempted to leave the children with my parents for a night (they’d have them happily) and go and not tell him.

Wibu? I guess if he found out afterwards he’d be livid.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 30/09/2019 16:29

I am another poster worried for this poster.

If you want to leave I can guarantee there are people on here that can help you make tonight the last night you live in fear. You just have to be brave and say help me.

Now delete your browser history and start the rest of your life.

Handbag101 · 30/09/2019 18:25

This thread is so upsetting. Hope you are OK OP. Can you update us quickly....

FelixFelicis6 · 30/09/2019 18:33

I feel so sorry for your poor children having to grow up in this environment. You may think they won’t notice, that they’re loved, they don’t know how he acts (or maybe he doesn’t even try to hide it in front of them), but believe me - they know and it is affecting them very badly. There are thousands of us on here with parents in abusive relationships when we were growing up and almost all of us are damaged by it - mental health problems, getting into abusive relationships ourselves because that’s what we’ve learnt a relationship looks like... are you ok with that? Because you can’t protect them from it, however hard you try.

Start making plans to get away from him. You and your children deserve better and you, as their mother, have a responsibility to protect them from this.

Original poster
Cherriesandroses · 30/09/2019 18:34

I’m still here.
I dont know what to do for the best. I hate feeling I have to ask permission for some things but on the other hand could I justify splitting the family up over it?
I mean I know he can’t stop me going - he won’t even be in the country, but maybe it’s unreasonable to want to a night away? I don’t know.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 30/09/2019 18:36

You are not unreasonable. You are an adult - you don't have to ask "permission" for anything you want to do. Flowers

TimeforanotherChange · 30/09/2019 18:45

could I justify splitting the family up over it

This is not your fault. You would not be splitting the family up. As an adult woman you do NOT have to ask permission from your partner to go out - or for anything else. Considerate partners let each other know their plans, and might change them if it seriously impacted on the other for some reason, but they DO NOT ASK FOR PERMISSION. For example, I might ask DH if it was convenient for me to go away for the weekend with my DSis in a fortnight. If it turned out to be difficult for him to manage all the childcare that weekend because he'd got commitments/an event on then I'd swap it around and go the weekend after - or the month after. But I wouldn't NOT GO...

If you doing so ends in divorce or 'splitting the family up' it will be entirely his fault, not yours. He is a controlling abusive man, and if you grow tired of being abused and leave then that serves him right. He will be the only one responsible for this. It is his behaviour that is SO, SO wrong, in every way. Do not let him put this on your shoulders.

NoSquirrels · 30/09/2019 18:49

maybe it’s unreasonable to want to a night away?

Then there are hell of a lot of unreasonable parents out there, INCLUDING YOUR HUSBAND.

Being in a relationship where you are coercively controlled is 100% a good enough reason to split up.

Take your parents up on the offer if babysitting while he’s away. Use those 2 weeks to make plans. Call Women’s Aid for a chat.

Loopytiles · 30/09/2019 18:54

If you do LTB that would be due to his abusive behavior.

Staying in the current situation would also affect the DC negatively - seeing coersive control and inequality as normal, for example.

FatBottomGirls · 30/09/2019 18:56

What the fuck?! In this house it goes like this

Me: DH I'm looking at going out with X, Y & Z on the 14th. I'll prob stay at Zs. Does that work for you?

DH: Yeah what time will you be back on 15th?
Or
DH: Ah thats my Dads birthday party. I was hoping we'd all go.

Me: ok I'll try for the weekend before/after etc.

At no point would he bloody say No coz "he said so"!

That's not normal. Get out OP.

GreySheep · 30/09/2019 18:57

This might blow your mind @Cherriesandroses but he’s not the boss of you.

You can do what you want.

You don’t have to ask his permission.

Having to ask permission in the way you describe is an abusive and controlling relationship.

Jinxed2 · 30/09/2019 19:00

This thread DC are 9 and 3. The other thread they are 11 and 3 Hmm

Original poster
Cherriesandroses · 30/09/2019 19:07

Yeah sorry. They are roughly those ages. I’m sketchy because of being recognised.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherriesandroses · 30/09/2019 19:31

I think I will tell him I’m going and if he is really unhappy about it I just won’t go. At least I’ve asked then.

OP posts:
clockworklime · 30/09/2019 19:33

Your problem is that you are asking. You should be telling.

NoSquirrels · 30/09/2019 19:35

I think I will tell him I’m going and if he is really unhappy about it I just won’t go. At least I’ve asked then.

Which is it? Ask or tell?

Why do you think it’s in any way normal or reasonable or justified to have to be with your DC 24-7 forever when their father doesn’t do the same thing?

valleysareus · 30/09/2019 19:37

Imagine your children being in a relationship like you are right now! What would you be telling them to do?

JesusHRooseveltChristAgain · 30/09/2019 19:40

I think I will tell him I’m going and if he is really unhappy about it I just won’t go. At least I’ve asked then.

No, no, no, no, no! You tell you're going, that's the end of it! If he's unhappy that's his problem! And anyway, he won't even be in the country.
I swear to god this thread is raising my blood pressure!
My real advice is GET OUT!!!

userxx · 30/09/2019 19:46

I hope you get the night away with your friends you sound like you really need it. This isn't a good or healthy relationship op but you know that already.

hazandduck · 30/09/2019 19:57

There is just something so unsettling about this thread. I feel like you aren’t taking in any of our advice :(

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 30/09/2019 20:00

Don't ask, don't tell, just do it. Tell him the day after, his reaction will tell you whether you should return home.

fantasmasgoria1 · 30/09/2019 20:02

I was abused in every category you can imagine. But I was controlled just the same. I had to ask if I wanted to go out with friends and I stopped bothering because the constant interrogation as to who I had slept with night after night was dreadful. It happened 1 to 2btimes a month. Being kept awake all night being accused, i would start to fall asleep and I would be shoved or roughly shaken awake and so it would continue. I would never ask to go anywhere now. I would say I'm going to wherever etc. Please think about it because it just escalates and before you know what is happening every single aspect of your life is controlled. To me the only way out is to end things because the more you be assertive and tell instead of ask, do normal things that he normally objects about the more he knows he is losing control and will ramp things up and abuse you more. Obviously it's down to you but he will just carry on.

pinkyredrose · 30/09/2019 20:03

He's not your boss. Tell him or don't but please don't ask. Please look into leaving him, you're living in a prison, your kids will think this is normal.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 30/09/2019 20:05

So if you can't tell him there's a problem there.

I'd be more concerned about that.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 30/09/2019 20:08

I'm going to stay the night with a friend this weekend for her 40th. I checked with my DH he had no plans but we have a first person to put it on the calendar wins rule.

No fucking way would I ask his permission!

doodleygirl · 30/09/2019 20:08

OP why do you think as a grown woman you need to ask another grown up for permission to do something?
Please talk to woman’s aid.