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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to not tell dh im going away for a night?

331 replies

Cherriesandroses · 29/09/2019 21:27

My dc are 9 and 3 and I haven’t had a night away from them since they’ve been born. I’ve had evenings out with friends but not a night away.
Two of my best friends have been talking about having a night away in a city, maybe seeing a show and I want to go but I know dh wouldn’t ever agree to it.
He’s away on business for a fortnight in November and I’m tempted to leave the children with my parents for a night (they’d have them happily) and go and not tell him.

Wibu? I guess if he found out afterwards he’d be livid.

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 30/09/2019 10:34

This is one of the saddest posts I’ve read on here. The night away is your smallest problem, please leave him this is no way to live. When he is gone for 2 weeks take the chance to move out to your parents if you can.

FetchezLaVache · 30/09/2019 10:39

Please get some advice. He can try to make things as hard as he can for you financially, but happily this is most assuredly NOT an area in which that's his decision to make. You're entitled to a share of the marital assets, income and pension. With that and your own earnings, you could make it work.

It sounds like your parents would support you to leave - can you have a chat with them about the practicalities?

Good luck, OP. Don't live like this. Your marriage isn't just a bit boring and lonely, it's actively abusive, and it's worse to expose your DS to that than to take them away from a father who sounds frankly uninterested in them in any case.

MouthyHarpy · 30/09/2019 10:40

I’m not allowed to go away for the night

If a 12 year old wrote this, I’d say jolly sensible.

But you are an adult. This is coercive control, and it is illegal. Your husband is behaving with criminal intent.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 30/09/2019 10:42

Fucking hell.
This is abuse.
Contact Women's Aid.

Cloudyapples · 30/09/2019 10:48

Op you know you’re not his child right? You are an adult who can do what they want and make their own decisions - including to leave him before you raise children believing this is how a relationship should be.

SlothMama · 30/09/2019 10:55

You are an adult, he does not dictate to you if you are "allowed" to go out or not. Get out of this toxic relationship.

Verily1 · 30/09/2019 10:56

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PurpleDaisies · 30/09/2019 10:58

verily that’s a ridiculous comment to make. There’s no suggestion that the op’s husband is likely to murder her.

Verily1 · 30/09/2019 11:00

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ThatCurlyGirl · 30/09/2019 11:01

@Morgan12

This is actually ridiculous. Grow a back bone ffs. And tell the prick to fuck off.

Come on, the OP is in an abusive relationship with coercive control. She knows it's wrong, she's scared of the consequences and telling her to grow a backbone and calling her ridiculous is not going to help, it's nasty.

It feels impossible to get out when you're in this situation. Like other posters I urge OP to reach out for help and try to start planning how to leave, but having a go at her in the way you and some other posters have shows a total lack of awareness when it comes to abusive relationships.

OP you know you need to get help and leave, but I understand it feels too scary at the moment. Can you use his time away to confide in a friend or family member what's happening and work with them on a plan to get yourself out of this situation? Me and others understand you need to do so as safely as possible for you and your kids.

I'm so sorry it's got to this stage Thanks

TheOrigBrave · 30/09/2019 11:02

Hugs OP.
Subconsciously I am sure you know this is not a healthy relationship.
Accepting that you no longer want to live this way is very, very difficult. You've been ground down to living your life walking on eggshells in order to keep the peace. And actually you can live this way for a very long time.

It will take a great deal of courage to change your life.
Do you have access to money? Do you have family you can stay with? Do you have a close friend you can confide in and give you support?

I've been there, I know exactly how you feel.

MulticolourMophead · 30/09/2019 11:17

My ex never hit me.

But I can understand the OP's fear. When I left with the children, we did it when he was at work, and I was a shaking wreck from fear and anxiety waiting for him to get home and find out we had gone, even though he didnt know where we were.

Telling the OP to just get up and leave isn't going to work, she will need help to plan a safe exit.

TheOrigBrave · 30/09/2019 11:20

Morgan12

You would benefit from reading about victim blaming.

Granted, people who are in good, healthy relationships maybe don't understand, but it's really not helpful to make the OP feel bad about not standing up to her abusive husband. It's far more complex than that. The drip drip drip of emotional abusive goes very deep.

I had to temporarily cut off a few people who told me "I'd never let my husband speak to me like that". Well, nor would the true me, but the true me had been emotionally battered down to someone who just did what I could for a quiet life and to keep him happy.

Gottobefree · 30/09/2019 11:24

He's you DH not your gate keeper ! If he won't let you go and you've sorted out child care I would be very concerned over your relationship ...

Double standards if he is allowed to go and you aren't.

OMGshefoundmeout · 30/09/2019 11:27

I read this last night and it’s been preying on my mind.

OP -a relationship where you need to lie to your partner in order to do something perfectly lawful and reasonable is a bad relationship. Every day you stay with him is a day too long.

I’ve been married a long time and I know my DH and I don’t have a perfect relationship but I have never had to ask his permission to do anything. We will discuss things and talk them over and work out the logistics of childcare, finances etc but once that’s done I make my own decisions as does he.

OMGshefoundmeout · 30/09/2019 11:35

remember children learn what they live. I know at least one of your DC is a girl. You are showing her that husbands/dads are in charge of women. They make the rules and can exercise double standards. Women can not be trusted to think for themselves and will put up with bullying and control . If you have a son he is learning the same things.

If you won’t make a stand or leave for your own sake, please do it for them or they may well be repeating these patterns in 25 years time.

Asta19 · 30/09/2019 11:44

My dad was like this with my mum. She says he never physically harmed her but the "threat" was always there. She was scared of him and did everything he wanted to keep to peace. As kids we had a shit life. Kids aren't stupid, they will pick up on all this and you can think you're shielding them from it when you're not.

My mum actually ran away when he was at work one day as she'd taken out loans against the house (due to his financial abuse) and it had all got out of control and she was scared he would find out.

Long story short I ended up living with him in my teen years. I wasn't meek like my mum so would answer him back and get a punch in the stomach or thrown across the room (nothing that would mark my face so anyone would see!), or locked in the house for days on end. There was also some sexual abuse. He was just pure evil. Your instinct about threat is there for a reason. My mum knew deep down what he was capable of. That's why you don't want to confront your DH, because deep down you know.

Needless to say, all of this has affected my whole adult life and still affects me now and I am 50! Please, please, think about your DC. Yes they will be upset in the short term, but it's the change in circumstances that is scary to children. Once they have a happy new life they will recover from that, and quite quickly. It's short term pain for long term gain. Versus, staying married to this man and potentially screwing up your kids whole lives forever! That's not me being dramatic. Stay with him and they will grow up with a very skewed sense of relationships, which will affect them in adulthood. When they are teens do you want to have to tell them they have to keep all their emotions inside and not say anything to "set him off" just as you have to do now? Because that's what's coming. They're little right now so a lot of it is hidden from them but they won't stay little.

Benes · 30/09/2019 11:54

verily is spot on.

My mum's partner was just like this....he'd never physically hit her but the coercive control element was there.
He killed her in her sleep one night.

It's a risky situation which the op should seriously consider leaving for her own safety as well as the children's.

k1233 · 30/09/2019 12:00

Why ask in the first place? Yes, check he'll be home to look after the kids but if there's nothing else major on, you should be able to go out for the night. If he constantly calls / texts the text him back saying you need to turn off your phone as you are getting too distracted, then turn it off.

If you are scared of him and his reaction, well only you can assess your options and what you're prepared to put up with. It is totally unreasonable for him to badger you when you go out and to prevent you from having a night away. Tip toeing around because you are scared of the blow up isn't a healthy relationship.

Morgan12 · 30/09/2019 12:18

@theorigbrave

Yes of course you are right.

I apologise for my first post OP. I hope you can find the strength you need to get yourself and your kids out of this situation.

HairdressertoBoris · 30/09/2019 12:37

@Benes and @Asta19 that is awful. So sorry. OP please read these responses and take control of yours and your children's lives.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 30/09/2019 14:09

Imagine 20 years down the line, one of your children comes to you with this issue, saying their partner will not allow them to have a night away from home.

How would you react?

You know this isn't normal or acceptable. I'd go regardless if it were me, but I'm not living your life.

messolini9 · 30/09/2019 14:48

I want to go but I know dh wouldn’t ever agree to it.

EXCUSE ME?
OP, I am so horrifed at this I haven't even RTFT yet.

How long has DH been forbidding you to have a night away from home?
Since when has he been judge & jury of when you are "allowed" to have a night off with friends?

To answer your question - there is no way you should lie to him about this. If you do that, you have accepted that he is the boss of you, & that you are going to continue meekly accepting his assumed "right" to forbid you from perfectly normal & reasonable activities.

Just do it, & tell him you are doing it.
There will likely be fallout from that. How he reacts, & how you choose to deal with him, is a separate matter - am sure others will be advising much the same, I will catch up with the rest of the thread & any updates you have ... this "not allowed" schtick is concerning.

messolini9 · 30/09/2019 14:52

Although he’s been away for numerous stag / birthday / just because nights. Sometimes for several nights.

@Cherriesandroses, you will find that nobody posting here to support you will be surprised at that.
Your husband is controlling, hypocritical, & clearly either frightens you, or gives you enough grief to make any resistance from you "not worth it".

You know this is abuse, don't you?

messolini9 · 30/09/2019 14:56

He’s just got a thing about me being away. He doesn’t like me being out after dark either. But mainly being away. Wasn’t a problem pre kids. Now it’s a massive problem.

So you haven't had a night off in over 9 years, while he can go out on jollies & stag do's?

It's a massive problem post-kids because controlling men tend to ramp up their coercion tactics with each progressive stage of the relationship - moving in together, marrying, & certainly once the children are born.