AIBU to not tell dh im going away for a night?

[Cherriesandroses]

My dc are 9 and 3 and I haven’t had a night away from them since they’ve been born. I’ve had evenings out with friends but not a night away.
Two of my best friends have been talking about having a night away in a city, maybe seeing a show and I want to go but I know dh wouldn’t ever agree to it.
He’s away on business for a fortnight in November and I’m tempted to leave the children with my parents for a night (they’d have them happily) and go and not tell him.

Wibu? I guess if he found out afterwards he’d be livid.

You talk like this is normal behaviour, the fact you aren't tackling it says you both don't communicate very well? My husband use to be similar is a sense until I had a light bulb moment that this not ok. He would go on and on leading up to the night out then go on on after the night out. Til I just give have up. But then I realised that's his issues- not mine.
So therefore I trained myself to reasure him in 'I'm going out! Im not looking at a another man" or "I'm just in of need a break, I'll be having too much fun to think about anything else" this didnt work so then I was just blunt! I didn't go on at him on his nights out. But coming up to mine I would tell him to just shut up! I would reasure myself that he has the issue not you! You need to be more assertive! Do not lie! You have EVERY right to a night out- your behaviour is giving him control. Why would you do that?! It's your life! He's sure as hell living his! You live yours!

Go and stay at your parents. You have 6 pages of posters telling you you are not in the slightest unreasonable to want a night away. Do the friends who want you to go away know of your predicament?

I hate feeling I have to ask permission for some things but on the other hand could I justify splitting the family up over it?

And if you stay this is what you are teaching your children? Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking it's normal to ask permission for everyday stuff? Do you want your son treating women like this?

Op. This isn’t just about a night out though is it?
This is a out your whole relationship, about the fact that you’re scared of him, and that he controls you. That’s why you should leave.

Why would he never agree to it?
Its only one night what harm is there in that?

You’re not allowed???

How old are you op? You’re an adult, not a children asking for permission.

You have higher issues here, you need help.

Tell him you're going and if he's unhappy tell him to grow up and bloody go anyway!

I think I will tell him I’m going and if he is really unhappy about it I just won’t go.

No, tell him that it's not fair that he gets to go out on his own but objects to you doing the same. Tell him if he feels he can't trust you then the marriage isn't worth salvaging, and that if he's not happy about what happens in every other normal marriage, he needs to get treatment. Also tell him that if he keeps phoning you you will be turning your phone off.

I think I will tell him I’m going and if he is really unhappy about it I just won’t go. At least I’ve asked then.

Sorry? At least you've asked! You're a grown women you don't need to ask to go anywhere. This isn't controlling behaviour. He can wander off for a fortnight and you can't have one night? I'd be leaving this relationship. You shouldn't allow this sort of behaviour.

What happens if he says no and you go anyway? This really worries me.

You're a grown ass woman. You don't need to ask permission from him to do anything. Can't believe people still live like this. You want to go? GO.

Go and have your night away, have a wonderful time with friends, knowledge your children are well looked after and without worrying or being bothered by his reaction.

When you get home, start putting thing ms into place ready to leave him.

Good Luck!

@Rezie her posts sound more like its emotional that physical if that's your worry.

As a PP suggested I do wonder whether it's more that he's not happy about it (jealousy/paranoia maybe?) rather than he'd physically stop her going and she just can't be bothered to deal with the fallout.
I might be wrong but hope I'm right.

Please phone Women's Aid and keep phoning.

You need to get out of this relationship for yourself and the children. This is no way to grow up. You are already teaching them horrific lessons - and it will start on them soon.
Children whose parents have abusive relationships are much better off when those parents part.

Start telling RL people what it is like.

amithough doesn't physical abuse need emotional abuse to get it started? I assume women are controlled and brow-beaten prior to being physically hurt.

My friends know. They also know I can’t afford it so are paying for me for my birthday.
They have children but their respective partners have no issue with them going.
Dh will just say no. I’m working my way up to asking him about it. It’s takkjg quite a lot of bravery.

If he’s going to be away for 2 weeks, just don’t ask him. Sort the babysitting with your parents, job done.

Look, unless there is so MASSIVE dripfeed about one or other of your DC having special needs, or your parents being unfit to watch the children, or you having a history of ... something (?) that gives him legitimate reason to worry and think it unsafe then this is all so out of the bounds of normal that you simply must get help.

Don't ask! Just go.

And start to take control of your life - baby steps if necessary. Look into "Grey Rock", and start storing precious stuff outside your house - "just in case".

As a PP suggested I do wonder whether it's more that he's not happy about it (jealousy/paranoia maybe?) rather than he'd physically stop her going and she just can't be bothered to deal with the fallout.
I might be wrong but hope I'm right.

She’s still a prisoner, either way.

OP sorry I haven't RTFT as I've just seen this now and I'm on my way out the door but it sounds like he has a problem in trusting you because he's not being trustworthy.

It sounds like he is up to something on all these trips away and is masking it by making it a big deal for you to go anywhere. I find that cheaters expect everyone else to be a cheater too.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I'm late and have to run.

What do you mean that you can’t afford it..? Is he controlling around finances as well (asking for receipts, asking you to explain expenditure to the last penny?).

I read your other thread and he’s an abusive arsehole. You are late thirties, get out and live the your life. The DC, will be more effected by his behaviour and they will notice that you have to walk on egg shells to keep the peace.

Start by telling your parents, friends and call WA.

OP, why are you choosing to stay in an abusive relaltionship. He is expecting you to stay in as a prisoner, while he does what he wants. That is a really weird thing to tolerate once youre aware of it. Is that what you want your kids relationships to be like when theyre older?

Why are you normalising this? I doubt you are going to do what people have suggested because you are already conditioned to the way he wants you. It is very clear in your replies that you want another way of managing him without actually leaving him or dealing with your issues. If his needs are more important that yours and you don't want to do anything about that's your choice but the fact your children are seeing these behaviours is very worrying because they will develop the exact same patterns in there own relationship. You as a parent has a responsibility to show them healthy relationships NOT conditioned ones.
But again from your replies it seems you haven't aren't willing to do anything about it- you just want ideas to manage it.

You’re not ready to hear what we’ve got to say on this thread OP.

But one day it will hit you between the eyes. You will realise that he has restricted your liberty and that this is classic domestic abuse. You will want better for your children and you will realise that you don’t deserve the misery he chooses to cloud you in.. and when you do, we’ll be here. Come back to talk any time OP