AIBU to not tell dh im going away for a night?

[Cherriesandroses]

My dc are 9 and 3 and I haven’t had a night away from them since they’ve been born. I’ve had evenings out with friends but not a night away.
Two of my best friends have been talking about having a night away in a city, maybe seeing a show and I want to go but I know dh wouldn’t ever agree to it.
He’s away on business for a fortnight in November and I’m tempted to leave the children with my parents for a night (they’d have them happily) and go and not tell him.

Wibu? I guess if he found out afterwards he’d be livid.

OP, in your other thread you say, at least 3 times, that you are scared of him. THAT right there is more than enough of a reason to break up.

My DM was similarly controlled, even going to my grandmothers house he would be on the phone every 30 mins asking what time she would return. He too would make a mess and not lift a finger to clean, he went food shopping with hr and any 'treats' were his as he was the one making the money so she wasn't allowed. Our childhood was SHIT, but she couldn't take us away and split up the family. She left when we were all grown and moved out, Each of us wish she had left sooner - growing up around that was awful, I left as soon as I could at 18 and my relationship with her isn't much anymore, same with my brothers.

Rather than working yuor way up to asking him permission, I would suggest you'd be better of filing for divorce. He sounds horrible and abusive.
I discuss plans with my husband, but I do not ask his permission, because I am an adult and he doesn't own me

It's awful, isn't it? This isn't a family. This is 3 people living under 1 man's reign of terror.

Leaving him would be escaping, not destroying.

Could you go and stay at your parents with the children?

FGS OP. This isn't about a night away. It's about your children's futures. But you seem to be ignoring everyone who has told you their experiences, given you advice etc. I genuinely hope that one day very soon you will wake up and think about them. This is a toxic environment for them and will ruin their lives. You're taking the "easy" way out and I understand that, I do. But you are their mum and you have to be brave. Not brave in asking for a night away. Brave in safeguarding their future. You're focusing on the wrong thing here.

Wow i think the question you need to be asking is should i leave this controlling man?

OP, is your eldest child a DD? What happens in a few years, when she's a teenager and wants to go out with her friends, possibly stay overnight with a mate? Will your husband say no, she can't do it? If he's controlling you now, it's quite likely he'll be the same with a daughter, trying to control her movements. If you want to live a normal life of your own, and want your DCs to live normal lives too, then you need to address this now, and break free if necessary.

Having a go at the op and telling her to grow a backbone and all other similar comments are not helpful. Yes we can all see that what is happening here is very wrong but insults are not the way to go

Cherriesandroses, I’m sure this isn’t how you expected your life to be and you’re not even sure how you got here but you can change things. It won’t be easy, it won’t be nice but you can get control of your life without having to ask for permission for anything.

How would you feel in years to come if your dd or dil we’re going through what you are right now? Children learn from their parents. Right now your children are learning that it is ok for a husband to treat his wife like your dh is treating you. They are learning that a wife shouldn’t rock the boat and just accept whatever her husband says.

It’s not going to get better. Ever. He isn’t going to magically think, oh shit, I’ve been a monumental twat and need to apologise. In his mind he’s done nothing wrong.

You need to protect yourself and your children. Please contact someone in real life who can give you some proper advice on how to get you all safely away from this man.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

FGS woman, grow a backbone. What is WRONG with you to meekly accept that this is your life?

What's wrong with her?! Grow a backbone? Are you kidding? She's in an abusive relationship which has made her lose all sense of normality and all of her self confidence - that's what.

I can't believe how many people are responding to the OP in such a nasty and ignorant way.

I am gobby, self sufficient and strong but an abusive man reduced me to a shadow of myself. She doesn't need to "grow a backbone" she needs support to find the safest way out of the situation she is in.

Think before you post and stop directing vitriol at someone already vulnerable.

Sorry OP I hope you're ok

Well said, @ThatCurlyGirl.

Anyone asking what is wrong with the OP has clearly not seen coercive control at close quarters.

There is nothing wrong with her apart from what has been done to her over the years. It can happen to the strongest of us, & when it does, the abused woman is barely able to comprehend it IS abuse, let alone convince herself she is able & deserving of escaping it.

OP need congratulations on beginning to see her situation for what it is, & support while she assesses the best steps forward.

Apologies if you think I was too harsh (and apologies to the OP if she thinks so too). Just frustrated that after 11 pages (11!) of women kindly sharing their stories and experiences, she has taken no notice whatsoever and is still 'working her way up' to asking her husband's permission.

It can take years and years and years and many attempt for someone (mainly women) to leave an abusive relationship.

Leave the OP alone - it's really not helpful for her to be made to feel weak or a doormat or spineless. She needs support.

Thank you @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy that was really nice of you to come back and say that I really appreciate it

I know it's hard to understand unless you've been there but it took me weeks to plan my exit and I wasn't married to him and didn't even have kids.

It isn't safe to just up and leave, not until you have a safe and planned place to go and people to help, ideally friends / family and professionals eg health providers, police etc.

The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is the first time the victim physically leaves the perpetrator. The second most dangerous (the last time I checked the stats) is when the victim has just given birth so is at her most vulnerable.

Movies and TV tell us we should run away as fast as we can, as early as we can but like I said there needs to be a strategy in place to manage the risk of the situation.

I'm sure OP is listening and hasn't spent 11 pages thinking everyone is wrong. She will be confused, unbelievably anxious, terrified, totally lacking any confidence. She likely has limited / monitored communication with friends and family due to isolation and fear. She is also likely to have very limited access to money as her partner probably has complete financial control.

So anyone feeling frustrated and writing in anger, please go easy on OP. The last thing she needs is to feel people are angry with her. Angry at her situation, of course everyone is, but please don't direct that anger at her and tell her she is weak and that you wouldn't stand for it - you'd be surprised what an abusive monster can make you stand for, they aren't abusive monsters at the start and it all happens painfully slowly until there is none of you left 

You need to go if not for your own sake but your children. What are you showing them about the role of men and women. He can go where he likes but you can't and have to ask for permission?! What happens when your daughter wants to go out with friends etc? Totally abusive. Get out for her sake.

....and stop telling the OP she's giving the children a bad example. It's not the OP, it's her partner. Don't make the OP feel bad that she is unable to just up and leave.

I am sure the OP is fully aware that her children are exposed to an unhealthy relationship, telling her again and again won't make her suddenly think "oh...best I go then".

I haven’t got any access to any money.

I have been reading and I’m very grateful to everyone - particularly those who have shared experiences. I know it isn’t normal to be so anxious over asking to do something that’s just accepted in most relationships.
I think I will agree to go but not tell dh until last minute. If he says I can’t go - I don’t know. I will have to see.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-46910285

You need to read this.

I haven’t got any access to any money.

Are you a SAHP, or do you work? Get child benefit? How do you pay for stuff usually?

You need a plan for the future, if you are beginning to think that this is not OK.

I am very pleased you have friends who have invited you for the weekend and are willing to pay for you. That's really good, because it means you're not isolated. Don't let him isolate you.

I’ve just read your other thread.

If you got this controlling cunt out of your life you’d be better off in EVERY way. Financially, emotionally, psychologically, socially.

Your children won’t notice him not being there because he isn’t there anyway and they WILL notice how much nicer it is with you being happy.

Call Women’s aid and get the fuck out.

Why do you think it's ok for him to go away and not you?
Is it worth splitting up your family over this? Hell yes, because it's not a good family with him in it. By staying with him, you are exposing your children to the disgusting attitudes of this vile man. Leaving him would be the best thing for them as well as you.

The OP appears to have Stockholm Syndrome so will have limited ability to get out of this.

I’d strongly disagree with others well meaning advice to just go.

That could cause him to go into a rage at losing control that could lead to him killing the OP.

This is a dangerous situation. She needs professional help. Women’s aid and a good secret plan of how and when to leave.

Op- make copies of your/ the dcs documents and keep them at some one else’s house.

Cherries

I know it isn’t normal to be so anxious over asking to do something that’s just accepted in most relationships

It's normal to be this anxious if you're a victim of coercive control, which you are. It's not you, it's him.

@Verily1 you're absolutely right - I really hope people can read your message and similar ones before advising the OP to just "get the fuck out" etc.

It's really important that leaving is done in a safe and planned way to mitigate risk for OP and her children.