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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex boyfriend is really distressed

203 replies

HelpHelpHelpHelp1 · 28/09/2019 22:36

Hello!
We're both 25.
I broke up with him over long distance at the start of the year and i'm with someone new and have been with him for about 2 months.. ex and I were together 5 years.

Ex has come home from travels.
He came home this week. He is texting me asking me to meet up and speak to him. I've refused. He's texting me saying how much he loves me and wants closure.
I had a phone call with him tonight to try and give him that closure, He was begging me to come see him, said he was parked around the corner from my house, started crying, said he'd had suicidal thoughts.

I told him i'm with someone else and he said "all couples go through hard times, we can get through this.

I ended up ending the call because i got overwhelmed.
He messaged me saying he was still around the corner of my house and i can come sit with him in the car - i refused.
He's texting saying i'm the love of his life and he just wants to soeak to me for 5 minutes then he's out of my life.
He's texting me memories we've had together and how he's never going to be with anyone else again, how i'm the love of his life.

I was going to block his number until he brought up the suicidal thoughts!
I've text his mum to say i'm worried,
But i dont know what to do!!

OP posts:
BentlyandPalmers · 29/09/2019 17:32

yulet And nobody said that. She wasn’t ignoring him though. She would not block him. Read the thread, she ignored advice to ignore him since yesterday.

My point was she was skirting dangerously close to goading by not informing the police yet keeping communication open.

So she knew and was doing nothing.

Well, she was telling a bunch of strangers on here all about it but ignoring the dozens of posters telling her to block or tell.

I made the point that if she wasn’t careful with what she said, he behaviour could be construed as goading a suicidal man.

Sagradafamiliar · 29/09/2019 17:33

No, Bently, trying to put the shits up OP and scaremonger her into doing what you want, using made-up legislation to support your argument, isn't normal behaviour.

Sagradafamiliar · 29/09/2019 17:34

Madness.

BentlyandPalmers · 29/09/2019 17:35

Anyway it seems her drama is over now and she has blocked him.

It was a warning, not to “put the shits up” Hmm.

Tonnerre · 29/09/2019 17:35

Come off it, @BentlyandPalmers, even if OP were to say something slightly ill-considered in one text there is no way that would amount to harassment, which requires both a course of conduct and an intention to distress. The last text she sent was simply refusing his request to come round and talk to him, she said at 12.04 today that she was going to block him and has confirmed that she did.

Sagradafamiliar · 29/09/2019 17:37

Well your 'warning' is unnecessary as you're talking absolute rubbish. You seem like a bully issuing your 'warnings'. The only drama here has come from you.

Tonnerre · 29/09/2019 17:39

you must admit that her hanging on waiting for the next text, posting here instead of reporting the suicide threats, is not normal behaviour

It's perfectly normal when she's told his mother who has said his sister would go to see him; his sister is obviously in a much better position to assess whether to involve the police or anyone else. It's also a reasonable response given that, although he threatened to stay in the car indefinitely till she went to see him, he beetled off home to his comfy bed when that didn't work.

Tonnerre · 29/09/2019 17:43

She would not block him. Read the thread, she ignored advice to ignore him since yesterday.

My point was she was skirting dangerously close to goading by not informing the police yet keeping communication open.

She explained that she hadn't blocked him because, surprise surprise, it was an extreme situation that she hadn't encountered before, and she wasn't sure what was the right thing to do. If you want to try suggesting to the police that failing to block someone whilst not responding to his texts, plus failing to follow the advice of a bunch of strangers on MN is "goading", knock yourself out.

So she knew and was doing nothing.

But she wasn't. You keep ignoring the inconvenient fact that she contacted his mother.

BentlyandPalmers · 29/09/2019 17:48

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AlexaAmbidextra · 29/09/2019 18:00

The OP says in her first post that he told her he had suicidal thoughts. That was over 12 hours ago and she’s done nothing about it.

BentlyandPalmers. She doesn’t have to do anything about it. She has no responsibility for him whatsoever. She cannot be held liable or prosecuted. Stop talking utter bollocks.

Lunde · 29/09/2019 18:02

BentlyandPalmers - just stop the victim blaming.

Sagradafamiliar · 29/09/2019 18:04

The advice here isn't legally binding, Bently despite what you may believe.

Wheelson · 29/09/2019 18:10

@BentlyandPalmers you sound bonkers. Asking 'what do you mean?' when someone says they will be gone is not 'goading' into suicide FFS. It's asking a bloody question.

BentlyandPalmers · 29/09/2019 18:13

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BentlyandPalmers · 29/09/2019 18:15

Wheelson OP mentions suicide in the first post. Then later refers to his suicide talk. But then she still finds it pertinent to ask what “gone” means. It’s as if she wanted him to say it again.

She didn’t call the authorities about a suicidal man. That’s what it boils down to.

AlexaAmbidextra · 29/09/2019 18:18

OP was advised 45 times to block him and 21 times to call the police.

You’ve actually gone to the trouble of trawling back through this thread to count in order to bolster your incorrect assertions? Seems like it isn’t only the ex-boyfriend who’s unhinged. Confused

BentlyandPalmers · 29/09/2019 18:18

Anyway, it’s over. He’s blocked so she can no longer debate what she she have done. I hope they both get the help they need.

Original poster
HelpHelpHelpHelp1 · 29/09/2019 18:19

I explained i didnt block him last night because i was overwhelmed and fell asleep,
I wasnt really continuously asking whether i should block him, i knew i would, I was asking whether i should send one last message before i did and then waited for some advice and then i did block him.

I wanted to do it in the best way possible for him to know it was done and so he can move on himself.
Like most people, i have never been in a situation where someone seems so distressed, i dealt with it the best way i could

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 29/09/2019 18:23

Don't worry about it, Help. You've handled it well and done nothing wrong.
As you know, there are some very strange people out there, including ones who read what they want to read and plough on regardless of being told, because they have their own nasty little agendas.

Tonnerre · 29/09/2019 18:31

FFS, @BentlyandPalmers, you're in no position to criticise others for failing to follow what is said on this thread. As has been pointed out several times, OP didn't need to phone the police because she'd contacted his mother and his sister was going to see him. The sister would be much better placed to decide whether it was necessary to call the police or anyone else.

InTheTempest · 29/09/2019 18:40

Not saying it's the same in this situation, but I don't know if parents/siblings are always best placed to decide if police need to be involved.

They most definitely did need to be involved with my ex h but there's no way on earth his family would have contacted them.

Anyway OP I hope you're ok (and safe), that's what matters in this.

BentlyandPalmers · 29/09/2019 18:55

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Wheelson · 29/09/2019 19:11

'I warned her...'

Right-o then.

Wonderland18 · 29/09/2019 19:12

There wasn’t much else op could do. It’s all fair to say you’d have blocked him sooner or reported it to the police but her ex was being manipulative and stalkerish so had he killed himself it would not have looked negatively on her.
She came here for support which some of you forget to realise and are keen to point the finger.

It’s so easy to blame op when your not in her shoes.

TileFloors · 29/09/2019 19:33

Hmmm. I’m starting to wonder if BentlyandPalmers is the stalker ex.

Of course the OP hasn’t done anything wrong, let alone illegal.