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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex boyfriend is really distressed

203 replies

HelpHelpHelpHelp1 · 28/09/2019 22:36

Hello!
We're both 25.
I broke up with him over long distance at the start of the year and i'm with someone new and have been with him for about 2 months.. ex and I were together 5 years.

Ex has come home from travels.
He came home this week. He is texting me asking me to meet up and speak to him. I've refused. He's texting me saying how much he loves me and wants closure.
I had a phone call with him tonight to try and give him that closure, He was begging me to come see him, said he was parked around the corner from my house, started crying, said he'd had suicidal thoughts.

I told him i'm with someone else and he said "all couples go through hard times, we can get through this.

I ended up ending the call because i got overwhelmed.
He messaged me saying he was still around the corner of my house and i can come sit with him in the car - i refused.
He's texting saying i'm the love of his life and he just wants to soeak to me for 5 minutes then he's out of my life.
He's texting me memories we've had together and how he's never going to be with anyone else again, how i'm the love of his life.

I was going to block his number until he brought up the suicidal thoughts!
I've text his mum to say i'm worried,
But i dont know what to do!!

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 29/09/2019 12:53

Block him, and phone the police if you see him.

TheJoxter · 29/09/2019 12:56

I told him i'm with someone else and he said "all couples go through hard times, we can get through this.

He needs to accept that you’re not a couple any more. He’s being manipulative. If you’re worried he’ll hurt himself you need to phone the police. Whatever you do don’t go and meet him.

Beautiful3 · 29/09/2019 12:57

He's being emotionally manipulative. You have to block him otherwise it will look like you're encouraging the correspondence.

RantyAnty · 29/09/2019 12:57

He isn't suicidal. He's just being a manipulative twat.
The 5 minutes closure was just to convince you to let him stay with you or have a shag.

He reaping the consequences of treating the people around him like rubbish.

Maybe he should have thought about what he was going to do when he came back and saved some money for that or not gone off for nearly a year.

He was more than fine when he was gone.

Block and be done with him. He's not your responsibility.

Tonnerre · 29/09/2019 12:58

This bleating about closure is nonsense. How will meeting up with you give it to him any more than the fact that you broke things off months ago or your recent phone conversation? The plain fact is that he chose to go away, he seems to have accepted that it was over when you originally broke up and - if I'm reading your posts correctly - he then left you alone until he came back and discovered that you weren't waiting to fall into his arms.

It's also pretty clear that the talk of suicide is pure manipulation, and is as much of an idle threat as his talk of sitting in his car for days - the very fact that he chose returning to his comfortable bed over making good on that threat shows that he's just saying whatever he thinks might work. My DSis's ex kept her in line for months with threats of suicide, but he's still alive and well two years after she finally broke it off.

Topseyt · 29/09/2019 12:59

I didnt block him last night because i have never been in this situation so wanted some advice on the best way of dealing with it

That is fair enough, but is how many people get suckered into responding when it isn't the best thing to do.

Have you blocked him now? You've committed no crime and are not in danger of prosecution, but if you do have to bring a case against him you would probably have strengthened your own hand if you can be seen to have done everything possible to stop the means of contact. It would give a crystal clear message that you had intended to stop engaging.

PompeyBez · 29/09/2019 13:00

Agree with PP. One last message stating any contacts he makes is unwanted, not to contact you again, and you will contact the police if he continues to harass you.

Funny how he wasn't suicidal while he was enjoying his extended travels, but suddenly is now he's home with nowhere to stay. I'd guess he is just trying to manipulate you.

You have contacted his family to alert them to his threats, I would leave it at that. You are not responsible for him or his behaviour.

Enjoy your new relationship and forget about him Flowers

Tonnerre · 29/09/2019 13:04

If you say one thing out of turn, they can prosecute
You are not telling the authorities, you are not blocking him, you are playing along with his suicide threats by answering him and asking what he means.

Absolute bollocks. There is no script defined by law for dealing with someone making suicide threats, so suggesting that simply asking what someone means could be construed as inciting suicide is ridiculous. There is no crime of failing to prevent a suicide. By telling his mother, OP acted perfectly sensibly - his sister can make the judgment call on whether to involve the police or mental health services.

Where is his car? I’ll report him

He's told OP he's at home in bed. What would you propose to achieve by that?

KUGA · 29/09/2019 13:12

rvby is spot on.
TAKE NOTE PLEASE.
he`s your x for a reason.

BentlyandPalmers · 29/09/2019 13:16

At 11.44 the OP said he had texted to ask her to meet her in her street.

She has asked many times should she block him, the answer is always yes. She doesn’t. The very first response to her thread was ring 999. She hasn’t. Many more posters have said inform the police. She hasn’t.

🤷🏻‍♀️

I stand by what I say. It now looks as if she wants to continue the drama.

Inish · 29/09/2019 13:20

Are you happy in your new relationship OP? If so prioritise protecting that and looking to a bright future with a new partner.

Tonnerre · 29/09/2019 13:22

OP doesn't need to inform the police as she has informed his mother, and his sister was going to see him. The sister is in a much better position to decide whether support services are needed.

Tonnerre · 29/09/2019 13:23

If OP wanted to continue the drama, she wouldn't have bothered to alert his family.

BentlyandPalmers · 29/09/2019 13:25

If OP didn’t want to continue us the drama she would have blocked him 14 hours ago. Or any time between then and when she started asking again this morning whether she should block him.

Saffy101 · 29/09/2019 13:25

Narcissist manipulation. BUT tell the police he is suicidal and give them his location and number.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 29/09/2019 13:29

Have you blocked him at last?

BentlyandPalmers · 29/09/2019 13:32

Is this the time to block his number?

Do i just block him or tell him i'm going to do?

Thanks everybody, going to block his number since he's text again

I'm going to block ex so i can focus on new boyfriend

I didnt block him last night because I didnt know the best way to react to the suicide talk

But i'm going to block him now

And on and on it goes...

Inish · 29/09/2019 13:51

His behaviour now is officially that of a stalker. There are 5 types - yours is this one:

REJECTED:
Pursues a former partner
Wants a reconciliation
Or desires revenge
Has a criminal history of assault
These are the most dangerous type. They have had a relationship with the victim and often seek revenge.

Please note These are the most dangerous type

You are now beyond blocking. You need to do this of course but you need take your personal security very seriously.

Be vigilant. Don’t answer the door, don’t go out alone. Tell your family, friends and work colleagues. He is likely to doorstep you at work, gym etc. Change your routines.

Call the police. Do the Freedom Programme. Lock down all SM so that he cannot get info on you.

Why won’t his own mother have him under her roof?

Original poster
HelpHelpHelpHelp1 · 29/09/2019 17:08

He is blocked everybody and he doesnt know where i work luckily,
He knows where i live of course but i live with parents so hopefully he wont come knocking,
Thanks for the advice everyone!

OP posts:
Tonnerre · 29/09/2019 17:14

If OP didn’t want to continue us the drama she would have blocked him 14 hours ago. Or any time between then and when she started asking again this morning whether she should block him.

So what? It still wouldn't put her in any way at risk of prosecution as you claim, @BentlyandPalmers.

InTheTempest · 29/09/2019 17:18

I can't believe you haven't contacted the police OP. For your own safety please contact them and block him.

BentlyandPalmers · 29/09/2019 17:20

This reply has been deleted

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yulet · 29/09/2019 17:22

No police officer is going to prosecute you for getting and ignoring dramatic messages from a deranged ex-boyfriend.

BentlyandPalmers · 29/09/2019 17:24

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meccacos2 · 29/09/2019 17:26

@Aussiebean
Interesting that he only started saying all this AFTER he finishes his travelling. Seems like he took it for granted that you would take him back.

^ My thoughts exactly

@HelpHelpHelpHelp1
Last night during the call, he mentioned how his mum is not letting him stay with her in her house

Block his number!!! He wasn’t going to self harm - he then texts you good morning Xxx pretending like last night never happened!!!

This guy is now a stranger to you!

You don’t owe him anything. He tried to guilt trip you into seeing him. He wants something from you - probably just a place to stay.