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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex boyfriend is really distressed

203 replies

HelpHelpHelpHelp1 · 28/09/2019 22:36

Hello!
We're both 25.
I broke up with him over long distance at the start of the year and i'm with someone new and have been with him for about 2 months.. ex and I were together 5 years.

Ex has come home from travels.
He came home this week. He is texting me asking me to meet up and speak to him. I've refused. He's texting me saying how much he loves me and wants closure.
I had a phone call with him tonight to try and give him that closure, He was begging me to come see him, said he was parked around the corner from my house, started crying, said he'd had suicidal thoughts.

I told him i'm with someone else and he said "all couples go through hard times, we can get through this.

I ended up ending the call because i got overwhelmed.
He messaged me saying he was still around the corner of my house and i can come sit with him in the car - i refused.
He's texting saying i'm the love of his life and he just wants to soeak to me for 5 minutes then he's out of my life.
He's texting me memories we've had together and how he's never going to be with anyone else again, how i'm the love of his life.

I was going to block his number until he brought up the suicidal thoughts!
I've text his mum to say i'm worried,
But i dont know what to do!!

OP posts:
TimeForNewStart · 28/09/2019 23:39

Have you posted about him before?

mummymayhem18 · 28/09/2019 23:46

Definitely leave well alone. Don't engage anymore. He needs to realise it's over,if you keep responding it might be giving him false hope there's still a chance. X

MsPepperPotts · 28/09/2019 23:51

You need to block his number.
He WILL ruin this new relationship if you continue contacting him.
He's a typical self absorbed, manipulative man child who wants what he wants and sod the consequences.
You are NOT the love of his life. No one is the love of his life. It's all about him and how he feels no more than that.

Gingerkittykat · 28/09/2019 23:51

The suicide threats as well as threatening to sit outside your house for days are red flags, is there any kind of history of domestic violence?

Definitely ask police for a welfare check and then disengage with him.

Aussiebean · 29/09/2019 08:15

Interesting that he only started saying all this AFTER he finishes his travelling. Seems like he took it for granted that you would take him back.

Next time he threatens suicide, call the police and tell his mum what he is threatening and that you have called the police.

I would send one message to say clearly it is over. You don’t want contact and you are now blocking him.

Sounds like you made the right choice. Don’t let him try and control you.

Blythesummer32 · 29/09/2019 08:28

OP I think I remember your thread from earlier this year and from what I remember he treated you very badly, strung you along and was cruel about your feelings and didn’t behave like he cared you’d gone out for five years.

I was so pleased to hear that you’re happy now and have moved on. It’s not harsh or cruel to do this but he is no longer your problem or concern. If he’d treated you respect when away even if he didn’t want you to come out and see him I would say there’s merit in caring about him but he didn’t. He showed you who he was and he made his bed. Now it’s just for you to send a polite short final message saying it’s over, you wish him well and then block and forget.

AlwaysCheddar · 29/09/2019 08:33

Block him. He’s a waste of space in your life.

Original poster
HelpHelpHelpHelp1 · 29/09/2019 09:09

Thanks for the replies,
Last night during the call, he mentioned how his mum is not letting him stay with her in her house (he lived there before he went travelling) but im not surprised considering he spoke to her like rubbish whilst he was away;
But i felt he was saying all this to guilt trip me- to highlight how lonely he was

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 29/09/2019 09:14

So, he is finding out that there are consequences for his actions, and he doesnt like it. What a shame... not.

You are doing the right thing and keeping away from him. I would now block him. Dont waste any more time or emotional energy on him.

Closetbeanmuncher · 29/09/2019 09:24

He wants somewhere to live op, thats the top and tail of it.

He should go and sort that instead of wasting time parked outside your house.

Hes not your responsibility and as others have said inform him that you will involve the relevent services if he threatens suicide again.

Original poster
HelpHelpHelpHelp1 · 29/09/2019 09:36

So after about 10 texts last night begging me to see him and talking about memories, to which i didnt respond,
I've had another text this morning saying:
"How are you feeling? Xxx"

Is this the time to block his number? I'm just worried that'll push him over the edge but i dont know what else to do!
Do i just block him or tell him i'm going to do?

What is the best way?

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 29/09/2019 09:37

Block

TileFloors · 29/09/2019 09:39

This is stalking. He seems to think he has the right to your time and attention, when he absolutely does not. You need to be absolutely clear with him that his attentions are unwanted. If he threatens suicide contact the police, as others say, otherwise block and do not respond. If he carries out his threat to sit in his car outside your house call the police too.

reginafelangee · 29/09/2019 09:40

Block him.

katalavenete · 29/09/2019 09:41

Block.

He's trying to manipulate you. Don't let him.

Sparadrap · 29/09/2019 09:42

Just block him. He is manipulating you. Do not engage in any conversation with him as it will encourage him even more.

Urgh, he sounds really creepy.

katalavenete · 29/09/2019 09:43

And if he escalates after you block then call the police. Do not engage.

qazxc · 29/09/2019 09:44

I would text him saying you do not want any more contact, in any form, then block on everything.
This way he can't play dumb that any additional contact was unwelcome.

DoubtingMyPatience · 29/09/2019 09:44

I’m a worrier, but wasn’t there a case in the news not too long ago about a woman who went to meet a ‘distressed’ recent ex and he actually just murdered her?

Don’t go meet him, call help for his suicidal thoughts and if he turns up by your house again get a restraining order.

TheAlternativeTentacle · 29/09/2019 09:44

The best time was straight after you dumped him.
The second best time is now.

Respond:
'I have been advised that I have to tell you once and for all that I do not wish to hear from you or meet with you. Please do not contact me again.'

And then block him.

Save that message as you may need it to prove that you told him, when you have to take out a non-molestation order.

Nomintrude · 29/09/2019 09:47

It sounds like harassment to me, and stalking behaviour. Send him one last message saying any further attempts to contact you will be viewed as harassment, and I'd recommend calling the police non urgent number (101?? I think) and telling them what's happening as they can advise.
Other than that, do not engage. He sounds very manipulative and unpleasant!

katalavenete · 29/09/2019 09:49

Don't send any more messages. It will encourage him - like putting petrol on a fire.

You have already been crystal clear.

HerculePoirotsGreyCells · 29/09/2019 09:52

Well he wasn't that distressed whilst travelling that he couldn't come straight home when he said he would did he? My guess is he has nowhere to go now he's back. Just block him.

katalavenete · 29/09/2019 09:53

The National Stalking Helpline is really good (they've helped me) if you want to talk to somebody before the police:

www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/Category/national-stalking-helpline

Sagradafamiliar · 29/09/2019 10:02

It's not your fault he's had a change of heart doesnthaveanywheretostay
It's not your fault he is now taking the break up badly
It's not your fault he's choosing to manipulate you
Anything he does or doesn't do after this point, isn't your fault. Block.