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Original poster

Should I be concerned about the type of porn my DP watches? (*MNHQ warning: distressing content, concerns violent porn)

226 replies

DanaScully83 · 26/09/2019 09:06

My DP was looking online for holiday properties to rent. He passed his laptop to me to have a look at one and I noticed that he had several other windows open and one was a porn site. When he left the room I opened the window to see what he had been looking at. I should say at this point I don't have a particular problem with porn. I'd rather my DP didn't feel the need to watch it but overall I regard it as private and not really any of my business. We have a good sex life and so it certainly isn't causing any problems in that department. So why did I look? Curiosity I guess!
The problem is the video he had been watching was called 'Young asian babe exepriences nasty group sex'. I am neither particularly young (mid 30s) nor am I asian. However, the bit that really concerns me is the 'nasty' bit. I watched a few seconds of the video and at times the girl looks like she is crying and in pain. It is horrific and I am really really shocked. A quick look at DP's search history reveals he has searched for asian group sex many times before.
I just don't know what to do - I know I shouldn't have intruded but it is done now and I cannot unsee what I saw. I'm struggling to reconcile my kind, loving DP (and father of our 2 sons) with someone who enjoys watching a young girl being subjected to what looked like violent and unpleasant sex. I am shocked by how upset I am - I can't even look at him and feel sick at the thought of him touching me again. What should I do? Is this normal? Should I be worried?

OP posts:
TinyTinathy · 26/09/2019 09:16

I think plenty of people have sexually fantasies that they don't necessarily want to enact. The fantasy, in itself is the fantasy.

50 shades of grey was a great example. Noone really wants a relationship that controlling. As a pure sexual fantasy the dynamic can be enjoyable to explore, but the day to day of it would be untenable.

Sexual fantasies in general tend to be pretty taboo. I know I probably wouldn't want all of my sexual proclivities on display and there's plenty of stuff that I find enjoyable to watch (on occasion or regularly) that I'd find impractical or outright unpleasant to enact in life.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2019 09:18

You said you "don't have a particular problem with porn"

What you have seen is modern porn. It's really not the "Joy of Sex" stuff. Women and men being sexually abused for the viewing pleasure of porn users is standard.

Get real first of all, then have a really good think about your question.

Redlocks28 · 26/09/2019 09:19

I would tell him you’ve found his search and how it makes you feel.

I found my Ex had searched for teen sex and went absolutely ballistic -he said it wasn’t teenage as in underage but was girls dressed in school uniform. Apparently.

FluffyHippo · 26/09/2019 09:25

Redlocks28, it is. All the actors are legal.

GaudyNight · 26/09/2019 09:30

Exactly what AnyFucker said. I made the beginner's error recently of Googling 'levrette' because I was thinking of leverets (young hares) and thought that wasn't the French for 'doggy-style'. (My French is reasonably good, but I clearly lack sex vocab...) Of course, it is French for doggy style, with predictable Google results -- but what struck me was how many of the images were clearly intended to look violent and non-consensual.

Cath2907 · 26/09/2019 10:25

I think that ones taste in porn does not really reflect what one would actually like to do in reality.

Adversecamber22 · 26/09/2019 10:25

I would be horrified because it shows violence and rape.

Secondly and a lesser discussed subject is the racist element of searching for Asian women. I am of this heritage so while Women have suffered from being objectified forever because that’s sadly what happens. There is also an Asian fetishisation element to his search it’s called yellow fever and is a subject that has been researched seriously. I think Anime which is now far more mainstream has contributed to this rise and also the stereotype that Asian women are more compliant.

rumred · 26/09/2019 10:31

Someone being turned on by a young Asian woman being abused ('nasty sex' 🙄) would be a massive issue for me. I'm not surprised you can't look at him. It's vile

Morgan12 · 26/09/2019 10:32

Honestly just forget you have ever seen it.

It is his private thoughts and fantasies. It does not mean he would ever partake in something like that in his real life.

Sadly there seems to be a rise in rape/humiliation porn so clearly there is a market for it.

AutumnRose1 · 26/09/2019 10:36

Agree with AF
What you've just seen is contemporary porn and is the reason so many of us are concerned about it

Also if he's that casual about it, imagine what else he must be looking at.

rumred · 26/09/2019 10:51

Using the logic that one isn't attracted to the images they watch, people watching child porn are being unnecessarily demonised then?

Beanybop · 26/09/2019 10:58

By watching it he is contributing to the growing demand for this type of ‘porn’. Can you talk about it without getting angry? A bigger conversation about the humans on the other side of the screen and how porn is not the same as the violence to women that is increasingly produced needs to happen.

PusheenLovesPizza · 26/09/2019 11:05

What AF said.

Cariad82 · 26/09/2019 11:19

I agree with @TinyTinathy - it's fantasy stuff. There is a massive market for this stuff for a reason - an awful lot of people have darker desires that they wouldn't want to actually act out in real life, even if they wouldn't admit it to anyone. I think you're overreacting a bit sorry - I personally wouldn't have an issue with this and I've just asked a couple of friends in case I'm being a bit weird but they are of the same opinion as me. I understand it's not for everyone, but I don't think people who enjoy it should be harshly judged - human sexuality is very complex and everyone is entitles to their private fantasies. If he was trying to get you to act them out or trying to find someone else to act them out that would be a different matter, but I don't think he's done anything wrong here.

readingismycardio · 26/09/2019 11:22

Might be fantasy stuff but it's still vile. I would be disgusted. And no, not all men watch porn.

MissLadyM · 26/09/2019 11:26

Yuck. I hate the fact that violent, abusive porn is classed as normal these days. I'd have a real problem with this. There's a huge difference between people having sex and watching an Asian woman being brutalised.

Deathgrip · 26/09/2019 11:26

It’s not just a fantasy though. A fantasy is in your head. There are real life women here being abused so that men like this can get off. And it’s absolutely normal to be concerned that your partner is aroused by footage of a woman being abused (and that’s not even getting into the fetishising of the abuse of women of another race).

Unfortunately many women who are okay with porn haven’t actually seen what it is their partners are watching and would be horrified if they saw it. I was in your situation once except I didn’t know what he was watching. The content of those films was carefully and gradually inflicted on me in our sex life, or rather what passed for a sex life since real life sex with an actual woman is nowhere near as interesting as exaggerated footage of women being sexually abused. I sustained some pretty serious injuries and was subjected to some horrific abuse over time, and he’d very successfully groomed me to accept it for a long time.

Do you see any reflection of this in your sex life yet?

AutumnRose1 · 26/09/2019 11:52

" If he was trying to get you to act them out or trying to find someone else to act them out that would be a different matter"

But by viewing online, he HAS got someone to act it out.

AutumnRose1 · 26/09/2019 11:53

"Unfortunately many women who are okay with porn haven’t actually seen what it is their partners are watching and would be horrified if they saw it"

I'm beginning to think this too.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 26/09/2019 12:05

It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Tooner · 26/09/2019 12:13

Absolutely disgusting and it would change my view of him forever.

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 26/09/2019 12:22

It’s not just a fantasy though. A fantasy is in your head. There are real life women here being abused so that men like this can get off

Tbh, I question the intelligence sometimes of people who fail to make this connection!

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 26/09/2019 12:22

Unfortunately many women who are okay with porn haven’t actually seen what it is their partners are watching and would be horrified if they saw it

Also, this.

Somerville · 26/09/2019 12:24

It’s not just a fantasy though. A fantasy is in your head. There are real life women here being abused so that men like this can get off.

Exactly.

It is neither a thought in this man’s head nor “just a fantasy”. He goes looking for young women experiencing painful and humiliating group sex, and derives sexual pleasure from their distress.

Anyone in any doubt about how many women are actually being raped in videos like these, and were not in any way consenting, can clarify the matter with a minimum of research - the charities rescuing women and children from trafficking is a good place to start.

OP I wouldn’t want this man anywhere near me.

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 26/09/2019 12:25

It is real for the women being abused in the videos and, tbh, whatever image is conjured up in someone's imagination, I just can't imagine what is going through their head the first time they type in those words to search and then choose to watch it and then becoming turned on rather than horrified by what they see.

That's not someone I want to share my life and my body with.