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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I be concerned about the type of porn my DP watches? (*MNHQ warning: distressing content, concerns violent porn)

226 replies

DanaScully83 · 26/09/2019 09:06

My DP was looking online for holiday properties to rent. He passed his laptop to me to have a look at one and I noticed that he had several other windows open and one was a porn site. When he left the room I opened the window to see what he had been looking at. I should say at this point I don't have a particular problem with porn. I'd rather my DP didn't feel the need to watch it but overall I regard it as private and not really any of my business. We have a good sex life and so it certainly isn't causing any problems in that department. So why did I look? Curiosity I guess!
The problem is the video he had been watching was called 'Young asian babe exepriences nasty group sex'. I am neither particularly young (mid 30s) nor am I asian. However, the bit that really concerns me is the 'nasty' bit. I watched a few seconds of the video and at times the girl looks like she is crying and in pain. It is horrific and I am really really shocked. A quick look at DP's search history reveals he has searched for asian group sex many times before.
I just don't know what to do - I know I shouldn't have intruded but it is done now and I cannot unsee what I saw. I'm struggling to reconcile my kind, loving DP (and father of our 2 sons) with someone who enjoys watching a young girl being subjected to what looked like violent and unpleasant sex. I am shocked by how upset I am - I can't even look at him and feel sick at the thought of him touching me again. What should I do? Is this normal? Should I be worried?

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2019 21:47

Does that include the women on campsites, who work 100% independently?

Campsites?

How do you know women on cam sites work completely independently.

Secondly you have no idea if the set of circumstances and background of any woman who, for example, pushes an oversized 'horse' dildo into her back passage for money from a man, or group of men .... I'll hazard a vague guess that not everything in her life to date had been ideal; though I'm sure you'll insist she just a super confident, empowered, happy hooker.

Cambionome · 26/09/2019 21:48

Tiny you are so totally missing the point here that it would be laughable if the situation wasn't so awful. Sad

HumberElla · 26/09/2019 21:48

How depressing it is that, these days, the idea or image of a woman finding sex pleasurable is no longer a turn on for most men.

And that’s what our children will learn. Because men like your DH fuel a billion dollar industry, by clicking on this stuff, that feeds the demand for porn that depicts women and girls being abused and raped for men’s viewing pleasure.

This is normal now. How fucking tragic.

LexMitior · 26/09/2019 21:48

It’s worth remembering that 30 years ago a lot of what is now commonly available on the internet would have got you a prison sentence if you possessed it.

Free availability doesn’t make for morality, you have to police yourself. And so it is very telling about a person’s psychology they are gratified or aroused by particular things. I think there was someone earlier who said that they had fetishes but this didn’t mean they were deviant. Actually, that’s exactly what it means.

Morality and what’s available to see constantly changes. Women are well advised to avoid partners who like violent conduct in porn. I doubt they are all problematic but really, you have better choices available. The porn may always be there. You don’t have to be!

user1479305498 · 26/09/2019 21:49

I think what some apologists don't seem to realise is that for some of us it isn't just about the ethics , if it's not something you were aware of and its all secretive, it can just be a total bloody turn off for the unaware partner when they become aware, regardless of the fetish, especially if it's very frequent and it can change your feelings. Not all people (mainly women) see it as a bit Of fun/ harmless entertainment. Virtually all the big sites have a lot of pop ups, inbuilt adverts too for no strings hook ups,/dating sites, cam girl stuff, dirty chat sites etc. It is not remotely like porn of old and I think more women(not all give a shit I know and plenty watch it themselves) would be really fucked off it they knew exactly what and how much of this shit the men in their life watched.

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2019 21:50

I'm talking about professional gangbang pornography, involving actors. You're talking about a video recording of a gang rape. Do you not see how these are different things?

What you don't see is that in some cases, when it comes down to the bare bones, they aren't so different things.

couldntcareless · 26/09/2019 21:52

It seriously wouldn't bother me

TinyTinathy · 26/09/2019 21:56

@tinytinathy way to skew the discussion. I'm talking about child abuse fantasies, not images. I'm saying any normal person would be a tad put off by certain fantasies. I'm saying fantasies say something, they matter, and it's ok to be put off your partner if their fantasies are abusive.

How would you know what this prospective partner was fantasising about if there weren't any images?
That said, I don't think I said people couldn't have opinions about things. I was just presenting my POV (that's it's not indicative of some major dysfunction).
There are plenty of things I'd judge someone negatively for enjoying. I just accept it's not some major moral failing on their part.

What's this "professional gangbang" chat? How do you know how professional it is? Is there a licensing system? Association of Professional Gangbangers?

There are plenty of professional associations and bodies associated with pornography.

Tiny do you have skin in the "professional" porn "business". Perhaps you are a consumer of porn or partnered with someone who is.

I'm not. I'm also not apologising for anything. It's just an interesting subject to me. I'm not expecting to change minds, I'm just getting some insight into how people thing about these things.

1) Are at least some of the sequences of "gang bangs" around the internet in fact footage of real gang bangs? Almost certainly. I would not want to be around any man who watched this shit, knowing that he could as likely be wanking to footage of a real rape as to "excellent method acting" or however the apologists want to dress it up.

I have no doubt you could find footage of genuine gang bangs. A gang bang taking place in porn is still a gang bang. If you're talking about rape, I'm sure you can find that too, but you'd probably have to be really looking for it because it's not the easily accessible stuff.

Roozy123 · 26/09/2019 21:57

It is normal and I wouldn't think too much into it.

I think alot of women on MN would be very shocked at what their OH watch porn wise .... if they think it's a married couple having nice, loving sex in a bed they are very mistaken lol.

Don't think any less of him, porn sites are FILLED with fantasies including violence, incest, gang bangs, and 100s more..

If every man was to show you the porn they watch, this would be pretty normal.

user764329056 · 26/09/2019 22:00

What Deathgrip said

LexMitior · 26/09/2019 22:00

Okay, but it was normal in Victorian times for men to use child prostitutes. Normal isn’t really a synonym for good: it’s just common, and may be abusive and cruel.

AutumnRose1 · 26/09/2019 22:01

"If every man was to show you the porn they watch, this would be pretty normal"

I agree but it's one of many reasons why so many women choose to stay single. Which OP may well also decide.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 26/09/2019 22:03

You don’t need us to tell you how to react - it’s all in your OP. You’re very upset, feel sick at the thought of him touching you and can’t look at him. Your response is telling you everything you need to know. Trust yourself.

Roozy123 · 26/09/2019 22:03

AutumnRose1 and that is completly their choice.

I'm not saying any woman has to be happy with what their OH watches or they're not entitled to their feelings.
But I think so women are blinded to the fact that.. if their OH does watch porn it isn't a couple having kind slow sex in their bed.

I hope she can get passed this and be happy with her husband. Maybe even talking to him would help.

couldntcareless · 26/09/2019 22:04

@AutumnRose1 women watch this type of porn also you know....

Roozy123 · 26/09/2019 22:05

But.... if she can't get passed it and choices to leave, also her choice. She shouldn't live with something she can't get passed or isn't comfortable with.

Especially if they do talk and it.continues

Roozy123 · 26/09/2019 22:05

@couldntcareless 100% true

Roozy123 · 26/09/2019 22:07

God the typos 😑 sorry I'm tired lol

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2019 22:09

If every man was to show you the porn they watch, this would be pretty normal.

I'm pretty up on the porn my dp watches, and it's not violent, degrading, gang bang shit - with Asian recipient or otherwise.

And when I think about the porn that many past partners were watching (not shared with me, before the "you don't know what he wax really watching! brigade chimes in) it was similarly often pretty basic stuff, without violence or degradation.

Hard as it is to bekieve, some men really do just enjoy "hot woman (depending on their type) having straight, non degrading sex with one guy" porn.

Roozy123 · 26/09/2019 22:11

GilbertMarkham the porn he chooses to share with you, 1.

And 2, that's your OH.. if it was not popular the categories on porn sites would not exist.. also, the porn your oh watches may be okay to you but not to another woman if it was her oh..

Just each to their own.

dinello · 26/09/2019 22:12

All the "cool wives" on here are cringey.

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2019 22:14

I once asked my dh what the sexiest/hottest scene he could think of was and he responded - with unfakeable enthusiasm - that it was a woman masturbating in a bath/hot tub, having an intense looking orgasm and then slumping/sinking into the water looking like she couldn't move for a week because she was so sated.

No doubt the "violent, degrading porn is normal for men" folks will be along to tell me he cherry picked a palatable scene for me and he really prefers seeing 3 black men stuff their dicks into a pained looking asian girl.

GilbertMarkham · 26/09/2019 22:18

GilbertMarkham the porn he chooses to share with you, 1.

Didnt you see where I wrote;

"before the "you don't know what he wax really watching! brigade chimes in)"

So eager to get in there with that, you didn't even take in what I wrote.

It's not what he shows me. I said I'm "up on"what he watches, not he showed/told me what he watches.

Same with the other men I've known - which answers your second point ... I don't dint find it to be the majority of men. And I'm wondering why you want to believe it is.

Roozy123 · 26/09/2019 22:19

GilbertMarkham I watch porn so to me what op described is pretty normal to see..
And alot of it. I think where the porn sites have SOOO many videos like this it has become the norm.

What your husband described sounds great and I'm sure that is his hottest video he's seen.
I don't want to do the... all men watch these things as some.. don't even watch porn! I just think 1) alot of women are deluded in what their oh do watch and 2) violent sex scenes are popular. They just are..
I'm not saying I agree with them

CodenameVillanelle · 26/09/2019 22:19

People don't really choose how their arousal circuits are wired

Nonsense - men don't start out watching gang bangs and brutal porn, they desensitise themselves over time and use to the point where scenes of abuse become arousing. Escalation in porn use is a very well known phenomenon.