Should I be concerned about the type of porn my DP watches? (*MNHQ warning: distressing content, concerns violent porn)

[DanaScully83]

My DP was looking online for holiday properties to rent. He passed his laptop to me to have a look at one and I noticed that he had several other windows open and one was a porn site. When he left the room I opened the window to see what he had been looking at. I should say at this point I don't have a particular problem with porn. I'd rather my DP didn't feel the need to watch it but overall I regard it as private and not really any of my business. We have a good sex life and so it certainly isn't causing any problems in that department. So why did I look? Curiosity I guess!
The problem is the video he had been watching was called 'Young asian babe exepriences nasty group sex'. I am neither particularly young (mid 30s) nor am I asian. However, the bit that really concerns me is the 'nasty' bit. I watched a few seconds of the video and at times the girl looks like she is crying and in pain. It is horrific and I am really really shocked. A quick look at DP's search history reveals he has searched for asian group sex many times before.
I just don't know what to do - I know I shouldn't have intruded but it is done now and I cannot unsee what I saw. I'm struggling to reconcile my kind, loving DP (and father of our 2 sons) with someone who enjoys watching a young girl being subjected to what looked like violent and unpleasant sex. I am shocked by how upset I am - I can't even look at him and feel sick at the thought of him touching me again. What should I do? Is this normal? Should I be worried?

Just another idea... you could do matched betting. It’s not a regular income but brings me in around £1k a month on top of part time job. I spend 2-3 hours a day on it.

@autumnrose they are 3 and 1 so hopefully I have many years before I have to have the porn discussion with them. Although my sister is a teacher and told me that a group of 9 year old boys were talking at school about having watched porn! I recently read 'boys will be boys' which prompted the discussion with DP about how we will talk to the boys about porn.

And getting off on a woman pretending to be traumatised by what’s happening to her isn’t really different to be getting of to a woman being actually traumatised, especially when you don’t know for sure which is which.

I think most people assume the porn industry is regulated to a level where, at least, the scenarios that you describe aren't the norm. Whether that's true or not is another story (I wouldn't know either way), but I assume most people assume the same.

You say the physical aspect is real. So it is in my saw example. She physically was engaging in the act of crawling. She might even have sustained a cut or two doing that on hard ground surrounded by hard plastic.

It's not a bed of roses or a pit of thorns. It's likely somewhere in between. I.e. it's a job.
I genuinely believe some people take an audit of their skills, attributes and desired lifestyle and see sex work as a legitimate optimal intersection of these things.

From what I've seen and read, it's a cultural thing whereby the women portray themselves as being non-sexual/innocent by acting as if they're experiencing discomfort in an extremely exaggerated manner.

Things are very different culturally. As far as we know, OPs husband isn't Japanese so he's not been brought up as this as a norm in his society (as I'm sure most of Japan hasn't either)

We know that hurting another for our own pleasure is sadistic. It's a jail sentence to rape someone.
Take the part out of where the woman in the video is acting or not. The husband is still turned on by this act of sexual violence against the woman by more than one man. That's as real as it gets.

Don’t know how that post ended up on here...I was on another thread 🤔

OP at least that stops the worries about what they might have seen on their dad's computer.

Agree with a pp to be prepared for some upsetting stuff. I only found out what contemporary porn was like because I'm of Asian origin and a man said something to me on a late night bus....It just wasn't anything I'd ever thought about. So of course this stuff bleeds into everyday harassment and worse.

We know that hurting another for our own pleasure is sadistic. It's a jail sentence to rape someone.
Take the part out of where the woman in the video is acting or not. The husband is still turned on by this act of sexual violence against the woman by more than one man. That's as real as it gets.

I think this is where I'm experiencing a disconnect with other people here. You're talking about rape and I think it's unlikely that that's what he's watching.
What was described was "nasty" group sex. This is a thing that happens. I've spent time on Fab and it's something men and women engage in for free, sometimes paying for the pleasure. It's also usually described in quite "nasty" terms whilst being fully consensual and enjoyable to all parties. There are plenty of women on Fab who literally have no interest in anything other than gangbangs (they're often predictably racialized too).

So it's a common kink that this guy hasn't inflicted on his wife in any way and may have zero interest in enacting in real life. If he did, there's absolutely no reason why there would be any illegality involved but people are talking about him as if he's a ticking rape-bomb.

I have exactly the same position OP, except it’s all mature lesbians on the whole (he doesn’t know that I know, I decided to know but not confront) in my case too, very much a supporter of feminist views type guy. All I can say is I have gone right off oral sex!!! So it’s his loss. It’s multiple times a week too, to be honest given that it’s not violent shit or anything I could tolerate maybe a few times a month but as it is it’s looking more and more like ducks in a row as far as I’m concerned and being in late 50’s that’s daunting. Have come to the conclusion I don’t actually want a relationship with anyone if this kind of shizzle comes as part of the deal these days.

You're talking about rape and I think it's unlikely that that's what he's watching.
No, I'm talking about someone being turned on by rape.

this guy hasn't inflicted on his wife in any way and may have zero interest in enacting in real life.
I don't think that's what ops concern is. She feels this isn't the man she believes she knows. Who he portrays doesn't fit in with someone who would watch this type of porn (sorry speaking on your behalf a bit OP, just what I'm taking from your posts)

@everafter1 you are absolutely correct. I'm not concerned for myself in any physical way - there is no way I would stand for any of that shit and I'm pretty sure he knows that. I just feel like I've been living with a stranger for years. I'm currently up sitting on the sofa as I can't bear to share a bed with this man. Who is he? I feel like I don't know him and that all his support over the years has been a charade. I'm just so confused - he is an incredibly loving and caring partner, very hands on wih the boys, he took extensive parental leave with both of them once my maternity leave ended. I can't reconcile any of this with what I have seen tonight.

My ex had an almost identical search. I would have expected it to be the same man if you didn't have sons.

In my case my BF did want to act it out and convinced me to role play being raped by him. It was horrendous and he called me a whore and slapped my face on a regular basis.

People don't search for porn that they don't find arousing. I woukd be seriously worried in your shoes. I have been there.

Well, I don't know what OP saw. Maybe he genuinely is masturbating to depictions of rape, but that's not what it sounded like. You can have sex that is "nasty" and fully consensual.

For people in general, the things that turn them are often uncorrelated or diametrically opposed to what they enjoy in real life.

His reasons for watching could be anything. I don't mean to add more fuel to OPs fire, but if Asian is more the common denominator than "nasty" then it could easily as likely be due to an Asian woman he has met and has sexual feelings for.

@DanaScully83 It's gut wrenching. I imagine he'll be very embarrassed by it but you absolutely need to try to get a clear answer if this is a sexual preference of his.

I don't think you're hard pushed to find many people whose standards this falls short of.

I honestly wouldn't read into the titles, I think they are totally weird and never relate to the actual porn.

The reason I say this is I've watched porn in the past and the titles sound awful but what you actually see is regular sex. I honestly wouldn't be worried about it.

My only concern would be if he's more attracted to Asian girls and you're not Asian.

personally I wouldn't say anything about the title to him but you could mention you saw it open and ask if he's happy with your sex life.

I think people who say the women are just acting the pain should read some research into survivors of porn because that is very much not the case.
Women are extremely often coerced into scenes where they are physically hurt and humiliated and cannot stop what is happening for various reasons. Many of these scenes are scenes of actual rape.
Even if every scene was make believe (how could it be when real penetration and physical pain is taking place?) who wants to be with a man who is aroused by watching a woman hurt and humiliated through sexual and physical violence?

"Even if every scene was make believe (how could it be when real penetration and physical pain is taking place?) who wants to be with a man who is aroused by watching a woman hurt and humiliated through sexual and physical violence?"

Exactly.

*Even if every scene was make believe (how could it be when real penetration and physical pain is taking place?) who wants to be with a man who is aroused by watching a woman hurt and humiliated through sexual and physical violence?
*

Couldn't it be make believe in the same way that the levels of pleasure they portray is make believe?

Also, I think more men than you'd expect, without it at all encroaching on their public lives. Women too for that matter. It's one of the most commonly reported kinks for women.

Maybe he genuinely is masturbating to depictions of rape, but that's not what it sounded like. You can have sex that is "nasty" and fully consensual.

I think there's a point your missing tiny. The fundamentals of the situation isn't whether the girl consented or not. She's crying & in pain. Whether that's great acting, so great it's horrified OP or she's being assaulted or she was fine up until that point where she wanted no more, they're all one in the same. The sex certainly isn't fake. It's the association. The video depicts abuse whether genuine or fabricated. If she's not actually being abused, the aim is to make the viewer believe she is.

Violence, assault, rape, aggression, insults they're what's associated with an unhealthy sexual relationship. The kind of things that tear people's lives apart. To be turned on by it is depraved.

If you're of the mindset that if its acting then it's okay here's another scenario..
If one of us was watching TV, and a woman was gang raped, she's crying and hurt. Dh is fighting the urge to masturbate during the scene, would that not be odd?

the things that turn them are often uncorrelated or diametrically opposed to what they enjoy in real life.
I can't agree with that, I doubt anyone thinks OPs husband is an abuser but it would appear that he is turned on by it..in real life.

The content of this video has appalled OP. This is her husband whom she thought would share her same pov on this.

Yes but even it is, that doesn’t apply here, does it? I’m afraid that we may all have our kinks but equally others may not like them at all. You cannot make someone like something they regard as extreme. Or say “fantasy” to a sex partner. They might just say, jog on.

For what it’s worth, I think in the long term, much like other exciting or stimulating things, pornography use tends to diminish the spirit. A little might enliven proceedings, a lot burns the soul. The extremity of content does say something about your husband - I’m afraid only you can really say what - but it’s fair to be turned off by it.

In the end, having to explain kinks, fetish, like of extreme content means that mental sexual compatibility may not exist. Men may not realise their wives romanticise them so much and think that’s it’s a nothing. I don’t really think it’s tenable to say that if you use porn a lot.

If you're of the mindset that if its acting then it's okay here's another scenario..
If one of us was watching TV, and a woman was gang raped, she's crying and hurt. Dh is fighting the urge to masturbate during the scene, would that not be odd?*

Of course it would be, but without seeing what the OP saw it's difficult to know if it's weird or not. Porn is made primarily to be masturbated to so it's usually framed erotically. Unless he's spending time on some very niche websites, I find it hard to believe he was watching something equivalent to the scene in Irreversible.

The context matters. You could easily take the basic premise of fifty shades of grey and turn it into a domestic thriller, rather than something meant to provide an erotic charge. All of the basic elements are there.

I know we seem to be in the minority here but FWIW I agree with @Cariad82, @Morgan12 and @TinyTinathy

It's fantasy. Pure and simple. Doesn't mean he's a pervert or a deviant. He hasn't tried to hide it so it's not like he's been doing it particularly behind your back. Take a look at Fetlife one day and you'll see some subjects on there that will really raise your eyebrows. I have a few fetishes and fantasies myself that would probably get my MN membership revoked (some which would never in a million years be made into a reality)

However, it doesn't really matter if you get 50 replies saying it's okay and another 50 saying it's not. It's what YOU feel that matters. Whether you can deal with it. I would suggest sitting him down and talking to him about it, explain how it's made you feel and at least give him a chance to respond.

Well context and content matter, do they not?

My only concern would be if he's more attracted to Asian girls and you're not Asian

Yes. Yes. That is definitely what the OP should be concerned about 🤔🙄

Men may not realise their wives romanticise them so much and think that’s it’s a nothing.

I think this is the real issue in most cases like this. People convince themselves they've found the last living saint, which is great if you don't go out of your way to try to test this notion.

An apparently loving, stable, child-bearing relationship may be about to tank because one person doesn't understand one of the things that helps another person cum in private.

Yes but you see when you get married, as a man, you promise to cherish your wife. Porn was once really considered for the single man. I think it’s use in marriage is corrosive. Men are ignorant of that or choose to be.