Should I be concerned about the type of porn my DP watches? (*MNHQ warning: distressing content, concerns violent porn)

[DanaScully83]

My DP was looking online for holiday properties to rent. He passed his laptop to me to have a look at one and I noticed that he had several other windows open and one was a porn site. When he left the room I opened the window to see what he had been looking at. I should say at this point I don't have a particular problem with porn. I'd rather my DP didn't feel the need to watch it but overall I regard it as private and not really any of my business. We have a good sex life and so it certainly isn't causing any problems in that department. So why did I look? Curiosity I guess!
The problem is the video he had been watching was called 'Young asian babe exepriences nasty group sex'. I am neither particularly young (mid 30s) nor am I asian. However, the bit that really concerns me is the 'nasty' bit. I watched a few seconds of the video and at times the girl looks like she is crying and in pain. It is horrific and I am really really shocked. A quick look at DP's search history reveals he has searched for asian group sex many times before.
I just don't know what to do - I know I shouldn't have intruded but it is done now and I cannot unsee what I saw. I'm struggling to reconcile my kind, loving DP (and father of our 2 sons) with someone who enjoys watching a young girl being subjected to what looked like violent and unpleasant sex. I am shocked by how upset I am - I can't even look at him and feel sick at the thought of him touching me again. What should I do? Is this normal? Should I be worried?

Some men are expert at compartmentalisation and depersonalisation in this context - they can watch this and get off on this because they don’t see these women as human beings, just props. They don’t think their tears and suffering are real. The race factor aids in this depersonalisation. These men would be horrified at the idea of you being treated this way, but they’ve trained themselves not to think about how they’re suffering. Men like this are bad enough - they’re obviously still misogynistic (can you imagine being sexually aroused by a man being sexually abused?) but being taught to understand what these women are enduring can reform them. Counselling can help them understand why they seek out this material.

Then there are the men who would be equally / even more aroused if it were you in that position. They fully understand that these are real women and that’s what arouses them. These men would absolutely want to treat women this way if they could, and they are the men who will gradually push your boundaries until increasingly extreme acts are normalised.

I’d want to know pretty sharpish which type of man he is.

Unfortunately many men have grown up watching porn that’s become increasingly extreme, and as a result they’re increasingly desensitised to it. Many heavy porn users need increasing extremity to get the same hit, no different from drug addicts. Sometimes this is surmountable, when they start to understand the severity of what they’ve been watching. Your shock at it may be exactly what he needs to wake up to it.

Well, op ?

I regard it as private and not really any of my business

So it's private and not your business that your partner fantasizes about women being sexually abused ? And you think his acitivities are "normal"?

If I found out that my DH was regularly looking at this stuff I'd pack his bags . I couldn't live with someone who thought such disgusting actions were OK to stare at when he has a partner and a family.

Have you ever thought the young girl was acting like they do in most porn videos. I sometimes watch lesbian porn doesn't make make want to be with a woman though. It is just a fantasy. Wouldn't bother me.

Have you ever thought the young girl was acting like they do in most porn videos.

Well, my accidental foray into porn because of my faulty French recently (see above) showed me one animated gif where a very young woman had her neck placed under the rung of a kitchen chair and her arms forced high up behind her back while someone penetrated her roughly from behind. Should I be admiring her method acting, or conclude that whether or not the look on her face was 'acted', her head was in fact definitely being held down on the floor by a chair, her arms wrenched up behind her back, and someone was definitely penetrating her? How much 'acting' is involved there?

I would feel the same OP.

I would be sickened.

What will he be watching when Asian women being sexually assaulted by men, doesn't do it for him any more?

It's not fucking 'normal'. It's misogynistic and vile.

"Some men are expert at compartmentalisation and depersonalisation in this context - they can watch this and get off on this because they don’t see these women as human beings, just props."

yes and who wants to be with that guy?! Okay, some women do, but OP sounds like she's just found out so has an awful lot to think about and process.

I hope you're okay OP. A world where there's people acting this kind of fantasy out on film is a very problematic one, and viewers are absolutely key to that problem.

I couldn't carry on with my marriage if I knew my DH was getting his rocks off to watching videos of young women being raped. The Asian aspect is also distasteful, he's looking at young women who have the reputation for being compliant and deferential. It may just be a fantasy, but it's a very unpleasant one.

Have you ever thought the young girl was acting like they do in most porn videos.

The only reason this has any relevance is because it’s obviously more distressing, horrifying and disturbing if the woman is genuinely feeling traumatised and abused.

It’s not relevant in any other sense because OP’s partner is still deliberately seeking out and getting off on a woman being abused by multiple men. The abuse is really happening.

I’d like to know how you propose we tell the difference between an actress acting at being traumatised by the abuse done to her, or a woman actually being traumatised?

It’s not just a fantasy though. A fantasy is in your head. There are real life women here being abused so that men like this can get off

People in porn are called actors, because they're acting.

People in porn are called actors, because they're acting

And some women in porn are called trafficked and coerced, because they are trafficked and coerced.

Well, my accidental foray into porn because of my faulty French recently (see above) showed me one animated gif where a very young woman had her neck placed under the rung of a kitchen chair and her arms forced high up behind her back while someone penetrated her roughly from behind. Should I be admiring her method acting, or conclude that whether or not the look on her face was 'acted', her head was in fact definitely being held down on the floor by a chair, her arms wrenched up behind her back, and someone was definitely penetrating her? How much 'acting' is involved there?

I watched Saw film where a woman crawled through a pool filled with syringes. It looked like a pool of syringes and she was making all of the appropriate faces and noises. I suspect she wasn't actually experiencing the level of discomfort she was portraying.

And some women in porn are called trafficked and coerced, because they are trafficked and coerced.

I'm sure some are. Are you suggesting that that's the case for most?
It's certainly not for all of them.

Ugh. 😩

However, the bit that really concerns me is the 'nasty' bit. I watched a few seconds of the video and at times the girl looks like she is crying and in pain.

Yes, it is concerning & she probably was. I'd put money on her emotions being genuine rather than worthy of an Oscar.

That industry isn't as well regulated as we'd hope.

The women are often scouted in the sex industry, strip clubs, prostitution.

There are contract "stars" who work in a more regulated environment with an established production company. It'll be cleaner, they'll get tested & only do what they've agreed they will be comfortable with. Then there's the rest. Plus, if it's another country it's even harder to determine what conditions these people are working in.

There was a director who was considered well known & served jail time because he violated laws. Allegedly there were 2 versions of this film & the one released in Europe was way worse but wasn't used against him. After filming he records a sort of exit meeting with the girls as proof that they're happy with what has taken place & he's very nice, but it's clear that they're shaken up & frightened. Once it's started they're not in a position to stop it.

I would find it alarming OP. To see another person hurt is normally very difficult, to enjoy it sexually is depraved.

Thanks everyone for your replies so far. Sorry I'm only replying now I'm in NZ so it is the middle of the night.

When I said I had no particular problem with porn that is because I have had very little to do with it in my life. I don't watch it and neither have any of my ex partners (to my knowledge anyway). I didn't really know if my partner did or not. If he did I assumed maybe it was lesbian porn or threesomes certain nothing violent. I am fully aware there is very violent porn which involves abuse and that is abhorrent but I never imagined my partner would watch anything like this.

For the poster who asked - there is no evidence of any form of violence in our sex life or relationship. If anything my partner prefers it when I take control. I am completely shocked by what I have discovered.

We have 2 sons and have actually discussed how we will talk to them about porn. About it not being a realistic portrayal of sex and about the importance of consent and respect. He has always been in complete agreement with me on these issues. In fact he has always fully supported all my views on womens issues.

So what do I do? I'm even more confused after reading the mix of responses. I'm perfectly able to leave (or ask him to) if I decide to - I have a very good job and we jointly own our property. Right now I feel so angry and sick that I want to ask him to leave but is that the 'right' thing to do? Clearly I have to talk to him about what I have seen and work out what the extent of his viewing is and his thoughts on it. I don't really know what else I should be asking him. I just feel confused and shocked right now.

I'm sure some are. Are you suggesting that that's the case for most?

No, not at all. But I would suggest that 'acting' entails pretending something is happening.

Watching a young Asian woman getting a massive cock shoved up her arse in a porn film, so that the OPs husband can have a wank, is not 'acting' in the pretending sense. I would suggest that she actually is having a cock shoved up her arse and it is actually making her wince in pain.

Now, if a man can watch that and masturbate, I think that's pretty vile.

I watched Saw film where a woman crawled through a pool filled with syringes. It looked like a pool of syringes and she was making all of the appropriate faces and noises. I suspect she wasn't actually experiencing the level of discomfort she was portraying.

What a false equivalency.

An actual equivalency would be that the actress was thrown into an actual pit of syringes and sustained actual injuries from that, but she acting being distressed because actually she really enjoys being stabbed simultaneously with a thousand needles.

Sounds legit, right?

Or you know, “Last Tango In Paris” where the lead actress wasn’t informed that she was about to be smeared in butter and sexually assaulted so that her reaction was more “genuine”.

What these porn films never show is the cuts where the blood is cleaned up and the actresses receive first aid because they’ve been injured. Or the women who have sustained longterm injuries from the scenes they shoot, or the drugs many of them take to get them through the day.

But sure it’s just “acting”. I have degree in Drama FWIW and, funnily enough, acting traumatised while being penetrated and smacked around by a group of men didn’t feature in my course. Porn is not acting. The physical aspect at least is real. And getting off on a woman pretending to be traumatised by what’s happening to her isn’t really different to be getting of to a woman being actually traumatised, especially when you don’t know for sure which is which.

Clearly I have to talk to him about what I have seen and work out what the extent of his viewing is and his thoughts on it

Yeah definitely! Is this the only one you've seen? I know he searched Asian group porn, but it would be advantageous to know if it has a theme of aggression towards women (I'm not suggesting to search it OP!) Is there a chance he's stumbled across one particularly horrible video and shut it off or is he seeking that kind of thing out?
Would be good for you to know that prior so you can be ready for any excuses. He may not want to be completely honest.

OP "Right now I feel so angry and sick that I want to ask him to leave but is that the 'right' thing to do? "

I'd say yes. Anyone who is fine with "woman as object" isn't someone worth being with. In a way, you're quite lucky you found out, though i appreciate it won't feel that way.

You will get a lot of people telling you "most men are like that". I can't comment but I will say being single is great. How old are your boys btw?

We all accept that the amount of noise and the exclamations of "normal" porn aren't indicative of what the woman involved is really experiencing. Why does that stop at indications of pleasure?

OPs descriptions put me in mind of Japanese porn. From what I've seen and read, it's a cultural thing whereby the women portray themselves as being non-sexual/innocent by acting as if they're experiencing discomfort in an extremely exaggerated manner. Something about the men in the cultural being widely intimidated by a sexually aggressive/forward/confident woman.

I don't understand why men would like that, but I don't understand why anyone would have been turned on by 50 shades either. I just accept that it's a fantasy for some people and not necessarily indicative of any real world harm.

I’m so sorry OP, you must be in utter shock right now. I’m glad to hear that this has not translated into any abuse in your relationship and hope that continues to be the case if you continue with things.

You definitely need to talk to him about what you’ve seen. What you’ve said implies to me (in my sadly rather extensive knowledge and experience of this issue) is that he’s the type of man who doesn’t really view these women as people, which is alarming in itself but not particularly uncommon (sadly).

I mentioned before about compartmentalisation and I’ve encountered multiple men who espouse lots of righteous things about women’s rights and consent and then view porn like this and genuinely don’t see the contradiction or hypocrisy inherent in that. They’ll talk about how these women have the choice to enter this profession, choose the work they do etc and ignore the glaring fact that they cannot know which women are there because they enjoy the work, and women there because they have no other options or are trafficked or coerced. They don’t know whether the women are reliant on drugs or feel that they have to take x job because it pays twice as much, or their agent will drop them if they don’t. They know nothing at all and in fact they deliberately don’t think about it as that would spoil their fun.

There are websites like Fight The New Drug which have collected testimonials from former porn stars who honestly recount their experiences - I would encourage him to read them as part of a larger discussion. I would ask him how he can teach his sons to respect women when he watches material like this.

@everafter I only had a few minutes to look and could see previous searches but not videos viewed. It seems the search that brought that s particular porn up was 'Asian group sex' - the title of the video had 'nasty' in it and it looked like he had watched about 2 minutes of it. I just can't get the image of her crying out of my head.

I will need to ask him to show me exactly what he has been watching. That sounds horribly controlling of me but I need to know.

OP I completely see why you'd want to ask
But he's unlikely to tell the truth.

Be careful OP - what you see might really distress you. There’s no way I could watch some of the things my ex watched - he mentioned something to me in passing once and the thought of it still fills me with absolute horror years on. I can’t even imagine what these women have had to endure to make lots of money for some producer and for men to have an orgasm. It’s horrifying.

I’d also be utterly amazed if he actually shows you what he’s been watching and doesn’t pick out the least concerning stuff for you to see. You have no way to know.

In fact I wouldn’t tell him specifically what you’ve seen, only that you’ve seen something that you’ve found horrific and see what he comes out with - you’re more likely to hear the truth if he thinks you already know it.