Should I be concerned about the type of porn my DP watches? (*MNHQ warning: distressing content, concerns violent porn)

[DanaScully83]

My DP was looking online for holiday properties to rent. He passed his laptop to me to have a look at one and I noticed that he had several other windows open and one was a porn site. When he left the room I opened the window to see what he had been looking at. I should say at this point I don't have a particular problem with porn. I'd rather my DP didn't feel the need to watch it but overall I regard it as private and not really any of my business. We have a good sex life and so it certainly isn't causing any problems in that department. So why did I look? Curiosity I guess!
The problem is the video he had been watching was called 'Young asian babe exepriences nasty group sex'. I am neither particularly young (mid 30s) nor am I asian. However, the bit that really concerns me is the 'nasty' bit. I watched a few seconds of the video and at times the girl looks like she is crying and in pain. It is horrific and I am really really shocked. A quick look at DP's search history reveals he has searched for asian group sex many times before.
I just don't know what to do - I know I shouldn't have intruded but it is done now and I cannot unsee what I saw. I'm struggling to reconcile my kind, loving DP (and father of our 2 sons) with someone who enjoys watching a young girl being subjected to what looked like violent and unpleasant sex. I am shocked by how upset I am - I can't even look at him and feel sick at the thought of him touching me again. What should I do? Is this normal? Should I be worried?

An apparently loving, stable, child-bearing relationship may be about to tank because one person doesn't understand one of the things that helps another person cum in private.
Dont think it's fair to trivialise OP pov on it. She has no issue with him using porn as she's stated. She's horrified with the depiction of abuse in the porn, she's shocked & surprised he would be into it.

Yes but you see when you get married, as a man, you promise to cherish your wife.

Historically, it doesn't seem like people in general have been great at keeping these promises. I think porn is a step up from illegitimate children or catching STDs from sex workers. Maybe it's not ideal for the wives involved, but most humans aren't ideal.

I think people who say the women are just acting the pain should read some research into survivors of porn because that is very much not the case.
Women are extremely often coerced into scenes where they are physically hurt and humiliated and cannot stop what is happening for various reasons. Many of these scenes are scenes of actual rape.
Even if every scene was make believe (how could it be when real penetration and physical pain is taking place?) who wants to be with a man who is aroused by watching a woman hurt and humiliated through sexual and physical violence?

THIS THIS AND THIS

I have no advice op but hope you are ok

I don't share the view that it's just fantasy and private. If my husband saw images of a woman being gang raped and got off on it, he'd be dumped quicker than chucking shit off a shovel. I don't see it as harmless. If that shit was in his head and he actively searched for it and enjoyed it then I would never respect him again.

Porn like this is not harmless fun. Women are being exploited and abused to feed the huge porn industry. It's ugly and harmful. Young people are learning about sex through stuff like this.

I'm sure some are. Are you suggesting that that's the case for most?
It's certainly not for all of them.

Yeah, there are the other ones who are mostly conditioned (and often abuse victims) to think its ok/a positive thing and who are being exploited. They often end up dead from drug use suicide etc. Or they realise afterward what it was all about and the damage it did to them.

I think porn is a step up from illegitimate children or catching STDs from sex workers. Maybe it's not ideal for the wives involved, but most humans aren't ideal.

So now you're saying all (or even most men) in the past had illegitimate children outside their marriage,bused sex workers and infected their wives with Stds - wise up.

Glad to see the apologists have arrived - thought they’d show up sooner, to be fair.

Dismissing it as merely a fantasy ignores the fact that there are real women suffering this sexual abuse in order to satisfy men like this. And as I’ve said, it doesn’t matter whether her distress is real or acted in so far as OP’s husband is masturbating to an apparently traumatised woman being abused.

As far as what people get up to consensually in their spare time, you cannot compare the two because money is a factor in this arrangement. You have no way of knowing whether the woman you’re watching is enjoying her job and pretending to be traumatised, or has taken this job because she had to for whatever reason. She’s not enthusiastically consenting to whatever it is, she’s doing it because she’s been paid to do so. If people don’t understand that distinction I don’t know how to explain it to them because it’s very clear to me.

I totally agree DG

I wonder if the "just a fantasy" crowd would be ok if they found their partner's fantasy was child abuse? Or animals? Fantasies are ok, everyone has them, but let's not pretend they don't say something about the person and their broader sexuality.

I wonder if the "just a fantasy" crowd would be ok if they found their partner's fantasy was child abuse? Or animals?

No they wouldn't. Seeing an animal being sexually abused would probably horrify them. But their internalised misogyny makes think that it's fine for women to be abused just so men have wank fodder.

don't share the view that it's just fantasy and private. If my husband saw images of a woman being gang raped and got off on it, he'd be dumped quicker than chucking shit off a shovel.

This is my issue. It's like we're playing Chinese whispers. I'm talking about professional gangbang pornography, involving actors. You're talking about a video recording of a gang rape. Do you not see how these are different things?

Yeah, there are the other ones who are mostly conditioned (and often abuse victims) to think its ok/a positive thing and who are being exploited. They often end up dead from drug use suicide etc. Or they realise afterward what it was all about and the damage it did to them.

So they're most trafficked or brainwashed? Does that include the women on campsites, who work 100% independently? People producing amateur porn? Any specific studios I should be avoiding?

I wonder if the "just a fantasy" crowd would be ok if they found their partner's fantasy was child abuse? Or animals? Fantasies are ok, everyone has them, but let's not pretend they don't say something about the person and their broader sexuality.

Children and animals cannot give informed consent to any sex act. Women can and do consent to things as extreme as rape roleplay (no indication that this is what OP saw), this would be the case in a professionally shot pornography I'd say most of the time there isn't even money involved. Are you suggesting that an adult woman has the same level of agency as an animal or child?

**

So now you're saying all (or even most men) in the past had illegitimate children outside their marriage,bused sex workers and infected their wives with Stds - wise up.

I'm saying is was likely a lot more common in the past and that over half of marriages dissolve in the present day. That's not to mention the marriages that remain, but still involve people breaking their marriage vows. Statistically, most people who get married do not abide by the promises they make on the day.

I think this is veering off track. Basically it’s pretty obvious that porn use, and particular taste in porn, says something about the user. The ethics or “fantasy” argument actually doesn’t matter unless you are worried about legality,

The morality of using porn is completely different, it’s very naive to imagine that your taste will not be judged. You might think that unfair, but people do it all the time about anything else, drinking, womanising, drug use.

If you are kinky or you have certain taste, you will be judged by friends, partners, police, security services whoever gets to see. End of.

I’m sure that if you knew someone was stood next to a woman, wanking whilst another man was brutalising her, we’d all be beyond horrified. I fail to see how just because it’s on a screen, it’s any different.
One could argue that it’s a porn film so therefore we assume it’s consensual. But is it?
Like a PP said, she was groomed, slowly over time so she thought that was what she was supposed to do. She now realises she was being abused and violated.
I know some people like spanking etc, but from what you’ve described, what you saw was far more aggressive.

Now OP has seen this, she’ll already be thinking that what she has with her dh is boring in his view, hense the desire for such an alternative sideline. It’s exactly this that can lead some people to feeling they have to subject themselves to more to satisfy their partner.

I think some porn ( mild) can be attractive to some people but too much now has gone too far.

Kids today are learning about sex from porn. Some girls grow up thinking they should let men ejaculate in their face, because that’s what they learn men do in porn. I don’t know many women who find that enjoyable.
Something needs to be done because otherwise our kids will grow up thinking too much of what they see is normal behaviour. It really worries me.

@LexMitior

You're right. My point is simply that it probably doesn't signify the things that OP thinks it might. Unless she's seen otherwise, he's most likely not a closet rapist, not a closet misogynist, not internally yawning when he has sex with her.

People don't really choose how their arousal circuits are wired. They're often completely divorced from morality and often heightened by the taboo nature of the immoral.

My view is that enjoying an aggressive professional gangbang is on the milder end of potential proclivities and is certainly very different from the theoretical gang rape, paedophilia and beastiality that people are bringing up.

If a man I was with took to wanking over images of women crying and in pain, I‘d question the relationship and everything I know about him as a person. It’s a dealbreaker for me. It’s vile and abhorrent and even if the scenes were acted and not genuine, I would still find it so. Fuck‘s sake, some things should not be wank fodder.

@tinytinathy way to skew the discussion. I'm talking about child abuse fantasies, not images. I'm saying any normal person would be a tad put off by certain fantasies. I'm saying fantasies say something, they matter, and it's ok to be put off your partner if their fantasies are abusive.

What's this "professional gangbang" chat? How do you know how professional it is? Is there a licensing system? Association of Professional Gangbangers?

Tiny do you have skin in the "professional" porn "business". Perhaps you are a consumer of porn or partnered with someone who is.

Your apologism indicates one of the above.

Two separate issues.

1. Are at least some of the sequences of "gang bangs" around the internet in fact footage of real gang bangs? Almost certainly. I would not want to be around any man who watched this shit, knowing that he could as likely be wanking to footage of a real rape as to "excellent method acting" or however the apologists want to dress it up.

2. I personally think when a man shows you what he is, believe him. Even if every single clip ever were excellent method acting, this would still be a man choosing to achieve orgasm while fantasising about a woman being abused. I am allowed to have a sexual boundary which says that this establishes in my mind beyond reasonable doubt that he is a shitty, misogynistic pervert that I wouldn't want in my life.

Bloody revolting and horrific. Bloody porn. What an absolutely disgusting society we have become. I think it's disgraceful to make excuses for this stuff.

I'm saying is was likely a lot more common in the past

Ah ok, based on that in depth, meticulously researched, backed up by evidence statement, I'll take it from you that illegitimate children produced by men before and during their marriages, use of prostitutes, and infection of wives with Stds was "a lot more common" in the past.

Therefore women today should count their blessings that it's only porn their husbands are using. (Again backed up by lots of figures on how many illegitimate children modern men have (who wouldn't really be labelled as illegitimate any more), how many use prostitutes (in this world of cam girls, adult work, online escort sites, lads trips to sex destinations etc etc), and how many infect their wives/partners with Stds (which they'd be picking up sex with non prostitutes, which they have much more access to than before, anyway).

*picking up from sex with non prostitutes

aggressive professional gangbang

Smh

I don’t know many women who find that enjoyable.

I don't know many women who find anal sex, gagging & choking while performing oral sex, having their nose covered/pinched while performing oral sex, being hit on the ass/hip hard,having their clitoris pulled out like chewing gum during oral sex on them (which usually looks painful rather than enjoyable) or sharing a man sexually enjoyable either ... Yet they all seem to be in many mainstream porn movies.

And people are constantly being taught women enjoy them/should enjoy them. I feel so sorry for young women now, it was bad enough when I started out in relationships but it's a different universe now.