Should I be concerned about the type of porn my DP watches? (*MNHQ warning: distressing content, concerns violent porn)

[DanaScully83]

My DP was looking online for holiday properties to rent. He passed his laptop to me to have a look at one and I noticed that he had several other windows open and one was a porn site. When he left the room I opened the window to see what he had been looking at. I should say at this point I don't have a particular problem with porn. I'd rather my DP didn't feel the need to watch it but overall I regard it as private and not really any of my business. We have a good sex life and so it certainly isn't causing any problems in that department. So why did I look? Curiosity I guess!
The problem is the video he had been watching was called 'Young asian babe exepriences nasty group sex'. I am neither particularly young (mid 30s) nor am I asian. However, the bit that really concerns me is the 'nasty' bit. I watched a few seconds of the video and at times the girl looks like she is crying and in pain. It is horrific and I am really really shocked. A quick look at DP's search history reveals he has searched for asian group sex many times before.
I just don't know what to do - I know I shouldn't have intruded but it is done now and I cannot unsee what I saw. I'm struggling to reconcile my kind, loving DP (and father of our 2 sons) with someone who enjoys watching a young girl being subjected to what looked like violent and unpleasant sex. I am shocked by how upset I am - I can't even look at him and feel sick at the thought of him touching me again. What should I do? Is this normal? Should I be worried?

I think the phrase “I do not watch porn” offered unsolicited is much like “I deeply respect women” - inasmuch as what is someone is saying is really so you never discuss the actual subject. Those are not really reassurances that mean anything. Porn does still have an aspect of shame attached to it, btw. Many years ago men who used porn would have risked being shamed by men and women. I remember sex shops and the under the counter porn. The dirty Mac brigade. Men did not want to be associated with that. A little of that stigma still applies.

Some men will spend a huge amount of time telling women that porn and it’s use is quite liberating for women. That’s really self serving. Actually what’s liberating for women is hot sex with a man that she likes. Being told porn is liberating is really pretending that it’s a gourmet meal when it’s the sexual equivalent of a pot noodle. Quick, cheap, and relatively tasteless.

A few men use porn as part of their overall control of women. They may or may not disclose use but they are sexually abusive and entitled. Sex is mechanistic and certain acts are fetishised for the man.

Finally there is the man who uses it because he is inadequate and hates intimacy. He will never have sex with you because his sexual needs are totally enclosed in porn.

Porn affects people in different ways. Saying “fantasy” is just a nothing point. Even the ethics of it may not matter. Women really have to get a lot more critical of how it affects them and their sexual lives. I am really impressed with the discussion on this thread and some of stories people have been prepared to talk about.

I’m really not saying that porn use makes you a bad person. But that much like drink or drugs, that use needs to be moderated. I don’t think that women are the moderators either. It’s up to us however to look critically at it’s use and how it affects us and the men in our lives.