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Original poster

Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

504 replies

DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 00:23

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

OP posts:
JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 10:54

Other posters have said they've encountered this type before too - they don't go for outright infidelity, for various reasons. One of which being they genuinely the think if they don't cross that line, they're upright, honourable, respectable, paragons of family men.

Some people are compelled to charm and create connections with the opposite sex even when not available and even when not intending anything to.come from it.

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 10:57

sceptical

Are you correcting my spelling?

Skeptical is American English - my autocorrect must be defaulting to it.

BrightonRox · 01/10/2019 11:12

Reading this further, it seems to get worse. He is a total game player and @MrsDogLady is right about the triangulation aspect. He's enjoying it all, the attention, the risk etc. Please OP...step away from him.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 11:27

Please OP...step away from him.
When I stepped away recently I thought that was it but he got back in touch. I know that I sound like a weak person when it comes to him but he really has reeled me in very tightly. It’s hard to let go. I do want to as I don’t want to be in the horrible non-situation for the rest of my life but at the same time I must clearly get something from the relationship because I am finding it difficult to let go. I suppose that is how these situations exist because the narcissist wants to take from the empath and the empath wants to give to the narcissist. It’s mutually beneficial. Only it isn’t benefiting me anymore. It hurts and I’m being thrown fewer and fewer scraps.

Thanks again so much to everyone on here for helping me see this with much greater clarity.

FWIW, I don’t think he’s a bad man. I think he’s weak, a little selfish, a little insecure. I came along and boosted his ego, made him feel like the handsome, important family man, and he doesn’t want to let that go.

But it’s stopping me from enjoying other more mutual relationships so it needs to stop.

OP posts:
JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 12:13

As I said before op, ramp down any contact.

If he contacts you,brake your time replying. Think to yourself; he's just an acquaintance, who's a possible narcissist, who likes attention from other woman a bit too much, it's not healthy to have much contact with him, I need to concentrate on improving my hobbies, social life and sooner or latermeeting someone else ... It doesn't need tried to quickly, it's not high priority. Then get back to him a while later and say you've been busy, if you even say that.

Concentrate on your own life, he's got his and he's not going to change it, no matter how much he engages with other women or tells them he's not in love with his wife.

As you say you get scraps with him; crumbs more like it - you need a load of bread,ban actual relationship with someone available. He is not, no matter how he acts.

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 12:14

*replied to quickly

MsPavlichenko · 01/10/2019 12:17

So if you can stop yourself responding you need to block. What else can you do practically? You surely see that. Or do you want to talk about him endlessly on here?

He is a bad man. Almost everyone here thinks so. We have met him/ know him. You are neither the first or last or probably even the only one at the moment.

NoTheresa · 01/10/2019 12:49

He is a bad man.

Yes.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 01/10/2019 12:56

If he hasn't made a move in 2 years then he most certainly isn't attracted to you. If a man is interested, you will know.

OP - yes you are hooked in but press the block button and you are released from his grip. He is just using you as an ego boost when he is bored and his wife is gone out. They probably laugh about you when they meet you. Sorry to be so harsh but it's the truth.

Get a bit of self respect and block him. He's had a stream of followers before you and will do after you.

I think you are agreeing with people on here but don't see it yourself. You've made little to no attempt to remove yourself from the situation at all. I think you enjoy it too.

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 14:04

They probably laugh about you when they meet you

Bollocks.

His wife has had a previous admirer ringing him at all hours; she met op because she wanted to try to avoid the same situation and make it clear they're together etc. O don't think she 109% Trudy's her husband, would you trust him?

Op said she was quiet at the meetings, not confident, not relaxed by the sound of it.

Besides even if they were (unlikely) I think she'd stop laughing if op told her he said he only fucks her because she's there beside him in bed and he's horny.

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 14:05

100% trusts

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 14:06

Not to mention telling op he has never been in love - which includes with her, his wife and mother of his child.

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 14:12

Whether she realises he courts admirers or thinks he's just so charismatic and attractive that he keeps attracting stalkers, I somehow doubt she's laughing about it.

I think her attendance meetings have been more of a "I'm here, I'm his partner, we're together, I'm aware of you" exercise or a "you better be open and include me in things following the spate of phone calls from the last woman" thing.

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 14:15

Also why would he wait til his wife goes out to phone op if it was some big (weird) joke between them, think of all the piss taking she'd be missing. Such an unlikely scenario anyway.

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 14:45

"you better be open and include me in things following the spate of phone calls from the last woman" thing.

(That would be aimed at him obviously).

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 14:51

Thanks JustWonderful

OP posts:
JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 15:05

There are two victims here to me op, you and his wife.

I also have to wonder what he tells her about you. I have a feeling you'd find out he's a duplicitous B if you knew.

Be v glad you can reduce contact anx get out of the situation without the sorg if impact and complications that his wife would face if she decided to.

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 15:06
  • sort of
sweetpea36 · 01/10/2019 15:08

Try to stop analysing him so much and beating yourself up about it all. Why don’t you stop meeting him and his wife, you’re just torturing yourself by doing that and nothing can come of it. If you don’t want to block him completely just have less contact. Have a break from him. Once you are happier you might find you can see him just as a friend and stay on good terms and you’ll wonder what all this was about. You need some time without seeing him though.

MsPavlichenko · 01/10/2019 15:37

She can't stop responding to him. She needs to block. Perhaps then she'll realise he is no friend. To be honest this thread is probably feeding her obsession now.

NoTheresa · 01/10/2019 15:46

You said it.

NoTheresa · 01/10/2019 15:46

It’s a severe case of mentionitis.

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 18:22

To be honest this thread is probably feeding her obsession now.

*Thanks again so much to everyone on here for helping me see this with much greater clarity.

FWIW, I don’t think he’s a bad man. I think he’s weak, a little selfish, a little insecure. I came along and boosted his ego, made him feel like the handsome, important family man, and he doesn’t want to let that go.

But it’s stopping me from enjoying other more mutual relationships so it needs to stop.*

The above from op is a world away from her initial feelings and attitude starting the thread. It's only been a couple of days.

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 18:27

Her post above also shows a mature, moderate, balanced assessment that is better than her swinging the other way with "that bastard, he's strung me along, I hate him, I'm going to tell his wife all the things he said about their marriage etc etc". Ok actually seems far more likely to move in from the infatuation in a sensible manner with the above.

And she is right, his behaviour is pretty shit but he's hardly evil; nor is he even exceptional, unfortunately there are more flawed people than not ... He may be a narcissist, he may be just a twat.. who knows. At least op is losing her idealistic, naive view of him and the situation .. and wanting to move away from it.

FatherFintanFay · 01/10/2019 18:33

I agree, and the OP has been quite resilient considering how blunt some of us have been. Realising that your idol of two years has feet of clay can't be an easy thing to come to terms with. BUT I have to say, Mollie3 said all that needed to be said in the fourth post on this thread, and that was before it all came out about what a narc this guy was.

It's simple. He's a married man who you can't have, and you have to start distancing yourself now and looking for someone who's available. Everything else is irrelevant, although you might want to spend some time thinking about how this guy managed to reel you in so effectively and try to avoid this sort of thing happening again.