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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

504 replies

DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 00:23

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 01/10/2019 22:47

i think op is trying to understand completely what kind of person he is and why she fell for him before letting go.
there is no happy ending on this one. i would block, never see and get on with my life. in time it will fade away and you will see what he was about and he wont have much importance to you.
dont waste anymore time on him analyzing, you did more than enough. you are perfectionist i guess.
it will take time, you will get there.

emojisarentwords · 01/10/2019 22:50

@AtrociousCircumstance teehee GrinWink. I thought this but refrained from commenting.

emojisarentwords · 01/10/2019 22:54

Anyway back to your dilemma...he's not telling you that he would never cheat to signal he won't do it to you, I'm thinking more along the lines of he's testing your reaction to cheating and also a slight case of '...doth protest too much.' He's probably trying to convince himself more than anything.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 23:17

I'm thinking more along the lines of he's testing your reaction to cheating
Hmmm. I’m not so sure. If he was remotely interested in cheating then he wouldn’t refuse to meet me alone.

OP posts:
sweetpea36 · 01/10/2019 23:18

That’s really very weird that he’s so insistent on you meeting his wife. I would find it creepy. And being ordered around like that would really annoy me! He sounds like he has no regard at all for your feelings or opinions. I’d have told him to get lost.
Could you find a creative writing group in your area? Get some genuine feedback about your writing and distract yourself with a new hobby...?

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 23:18

Thank you bluebell34567, yes I think I just really want to understand all of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 23:20

That’s really very weird that he’s so insistent on you meeting his wife. I would find it creepy.
He would say that it’s his way of seeing me and keeping in touch with me without ‘betraying’ or upsetting his wife.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 23:22

The funny thing about my writing is that it never crossed my mind that it would be of interest to anyone. I was just doing it for myself. When he found out he wanted to read it and was very complimentary indeed. Which was probably all bullshit.

OP posts:
sweetpea36 · 01/10/2019 23:22

Obviously none of us know him, but he sounds controlling. As someone said - be thankful you’re not his wife and can much more easily walk away.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 23:23

I have a couple of new interests brewing! One hobby and one trip planned. So some things to keep me occupied.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 23:26

Obviously none of us know him, but he sounds controlling.
I think you’re right. He has commented on my clothes before, and other women’s clothes. His wife dresses very conservatively. On the occasions that I have met her he has needed to tell her what to do in certain situations which makes me think she’s disempowered because he has been controlling her. It’s very subtle. He actually negged me for the first time a few weeks ago which did anger me.

OP posts:
JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 23:27

He was full of praise and very specific feedback on it. It didn’t occur to me that really he thought it was mediocre and was just trying to flatter me to his own end.

But t it doesn't have to be one or the other - your writing being good and him schmoozing you are not mutually exclusive.

sweetpea36 · 01/10/2019 23:28

Well it might not have been...everything he says isn’t necessarily bullshit and you do obviously get on or wouldn’t have got to this point. But the fact he has to worry about ‘betraying’ his wife just shows the whole thing is wrong. If you were genuine friends this wouldn’t be an issue. He’s using language as if he’s being unfaithful which makes no sense given he’s so adamant about not cheating.
He actually sounds messed up.
Anyway maybe you are a fantastic writer! But you don’t need him to validate that or not. Why not ask some other people to read stuff. That will take away the exclusivity and specialness around it that your sub conscious is clinging to, maybe...

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 23:29

your writing being good and him schmoozing you are not mutually exclusive.
Well that’s true I suppose. I’m not massively interested in developing my writing. It was just him who was so keen. He even sent me a book about it. There are other hobbies and interests that I’d rather pursue first.

OP posts:
JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 23:31

He would say that it’s his way of seeing me and keeping in touch with me without ‘betraying’ or upsetting his wife.

It's pure conjecture but I'm wondering if rules, ultimatums etc were put in place after the episode with the previous woman texting him, calling him drunk etc. for a long time. Things presumably came to a head about it.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 23:33

But the fact he has to worry about ‘betraying’ his wife just shows the whole thing is wrong. If you were genuine friends this wouldn’t be an issue. He’s using language as if he’s being unfaithful which makes no sense given he’s so adamant about not cheating.
Exactly! When he first said that he couldn’t meet me because it would be a betrayal (a couple of weeks after he left our company) I was surprised at the language because it felt like he was almost admitting that he had feelings for me. It’s not a betrayal to meet your mate is it? I don’t think it’s even necessarily a betrayal to meet someone who may or may not fancy you, but for whom you have no feelings. So I concluded back then that the feeling was possibly mutual.

OP posts:
JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 23:35

As to his v strong opinions on cheating, it seems like a case of 'the gentleman doth protest too much'.

Sounds like he doesn't trust himself (and/or he knows he has to not piss off his wife any further with his "friendships" or he could end up separated).

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 23:38

It's pure conjecture but I'm wondering if rules, ultimatums etc were put in place after the episode with the previous woman texting him, calling him drunk etc. for a long time. Things presumably came to a head about it.
Maybe. I should have mentioned earlier that this other woman was over 10 years ago. I don’t think there has been anyone since, other than the flirty card. So I would think it had been put behind them.
At his leaving drinks we talked about keeping in touch. He was tipsy and teary. He said that his wife wouldn’t like it. Maybe she suspected he was attracted to me. One time in his car when he was giving me a lift, she called on his phone. I offered to answer it and he said no way should I do that!! Although he had told her about the lifts. It’s all very bizarre. And no doubt boring.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 01/10/2019 23:44

Nothing boring about it at all.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 23:47

Nothing boring about it at all.
Ha! You’re very kind. I think I’m getting bored of it though. Especially as I feel like he’s giving me less and less now. The lovebombing phase has passed. I’m giving him less attention so he’s reciprocating less too. I’m not chasing him anymore.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 01/10/2019 23:50

That's great. On to the next (when/if you feel the need.)

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 23:55

I think one of the biggest lessons I have learned from this whole experience is that words are cheap and only actions matter. He can imply all he likes that I’m important to him but he doesn’t show me with any actions.
If I ever trust a man again, I will guard my heart fiercely until he reveals his. No more wearing my heart on my sleeve.

OP posts:
cutebutscary · 02/10/2019 00:57

I was actually thinking narcissist before you mentioned it yourself. Now you know what to look for you won't stop seeing it in his words and actions, even small things . Tell him you've met the most amazing man and you have totally fallen for him then sit back and grab the popcorn WinkGrin this would be better than NC as it at least feels like you would be getting a teensy bit of revenge for being led up the garden path for so long!

SleepWarrior · 02/10/2019 01:43

I think you need to frame your relationship with him as more of an addiction than an emotional support.

He's not an emotional support because look at what his existence is doing to you - you're confused, pining, full of self doubt and not sure that you actually like him at all. Supportive friends are the opposite, and they don't give you giddy highs and butterflies when you are them.

Now, addictions pull you away from everything else good in your life until you feel they are all you have left. You cling on for dear life wondering how you'd get by without them, when the reality is that you have the potential for a fabulous life if only you'd break the cycle and get rid. That's way more similar to what you have going with this man than a friendship.

View him as an addiction and act accordingly to get your life back on track.

Nancydrawn · 02/10/2019 02:08

He's already betrayed his wife.

He has described her to you as someone he does not love, whom he has settled for, who is good for quick sex (when he wants it). If I heard my husband say these things I would ask for a divorce, not as punishment but because I couldn't live with a man who thought that of me.

That is not meant to give you encouragement.