Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

[DarkHorseRider]

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

I'd reduce contact way down op; if that doesn't work for you then drop all contact.

Hopefully the former will work for you and in time you'll wonder how you ever felt the way you did. I had a crush on a work colleague once, I used to go to sleep and wake up thinking about him; and by the time I got to know him properly, over months I realised what he was really like .. and totally lost the infatuation. It takes time.

What's important is that alongside this you really fill your time with enjoyable, challenging, interesting things - new hobbies, new activities, maybe even s change of scene if you'd work allows it, and opportunities to meet potential partners. I think.youll.look back and wonder how you ever could've been infatuated with him.

*your work

He's a married man who you can't have

I'd expand on that to say that he's a married man who you wouldn't want to have, even if you could.

Maybe when I was a twenty something, if have been naive and arrogant enough to think he'd be different with me cause he fancied me more etc etc.; now, older and wiser, I wouldn't be putting money on it.

Stop engaging with him & meeting them both. Next time he calls cut him short as you're busy & about to go out or something.

Get yourself out and about dating again - maybe join some internet dating site or something? Start looking around as I am sure there are much better prospects out there than a/this married man - time to not worry about what his motives may or may not be and get on with your life!!!

@DarkHorseRider

Are you for real??

FWIW, I don’t think he’s a bad man. I think he’s weak, a little selfish, a little insecure. I came along and boosted his ego, made him feel like the handsome, important family man, and he doesn’t want to let that go.

You need to reframe this. You're blocking your own progress by letting yourself believe this. "Bad man" is emotive and far too general but he's certainly not a good man. He has, repeatedly, created intense, one-way affections with other women. You have flattered his ego, and is now purposefully withdrawing. You have bought everything he has told you about his wife; never questioning why he'd treat someone like he treats her; never questioning why you'd want to be with someone who flaunts his "admirers" in front of his wife, who walks the line of acceptable behaviour, who openly suggests he settled for her and doesn't cheat or divorce her because he believes it'd affect his status.

He doesn't want to let you go because he has an army of people who he know hangs off his every word, who he can use an ego boost whenever he feels like it. It's a game. The only "not bad" thing you can say is that perhaps he's not considered how this feels for any of the women he has led on and manipulated, rather than just enjoying the strange power and status of being able to create "admirers" at Will, and convincing them of anything he wants to tell you.

You have the choice here. The power is yours. You can do this forever and let him walk all over you, or you can block him and walk away. He's unlikely to know you've blocked him and even less likely to give it any thought, but maybe that'll make it easier for you. But you'll find it much easier to walk away if you can't talk to him.

JoObrien7
I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean?

Why don’t you stop meeting him and his wife, you’re just torturing yourself by doing that and nothing can come of it.
He always suggests these meetings and is pretty insistent but I can be stronger and say no next time. The first time I said no and emailed him to try to explain that it’s difficult for me. He called me up, announced that “it’s NOT difficult” and told me when we were going to meet. I know that I need to be more assertive. I know that he ignored my (and his wife’s) feelings by insisting we meet in that way.

I also have to wonder what he tells her about you. I have a feeling you'd find out he's a duplicitous B if you knew.
Yes I wonder too. Initially he really really liked me as a person so I can imagine that he was singing my praises to her somewhat. She has met me and knows that I’m just an ordinary person.

Her post above also shows a mature, moderate, balanced assessment
Thank you, JustWonderful

you might want to spend some time thinking about how this guy managed to reel you in so effectively and try to avoid this sort of thing happening again.
I’m definitely on for getting to the bottom of this. Off the top of my head, I think that I was quite lonely when I first met him and was possibly somewhat lovebombed by him which was hugely flattering. I don’t mean that he ever said anything inappropriate but he was full of attention for me and compliments. He made me feel really special. I was also quite emotionally fragile and he fulfilled me emotionally in a way I had never known before, again which was really fulfilling and attractive.
He was my boss and very good at his job so I admired him and looked up to him, only dreaming that one day I could be as good as him. We also had a ridiculous amount in common, growing up in the same part of the country, being the same age, having the same background. There was a lot of cultural overlap.
But possibly the biggest thing is that I’m very understanding and empathetic. He used to say that I was too nice. I’m a straightforward person, I’m trusting, I’m open. I think he wanted me to fall for him and I was ripe for the picking. He knew how to make that happen. I was completely naive. I still can’t quite believe it as I have never seen this happen before, not even to any of my friends (i.e., a friendship with a person who has no intention of reciprocating feelings but actively encourages them over a long period just for an ego boost).

I also think he liked the idea of having captured my heart because (whether it’s true or not) people in our circle seem to think that I’m a good catch. He certainly told me that he thinks that I’m beautiful (not as a compliment but as a statement), elegant, feminine, very likeable etc. He said that he thinks that men would find me very attractive if I was promoting myself on the ‘dating scene’. He never liked to say “I think you’re beautiful” but he would objectively observe that “I’m a beautiful woman”.
The reason why I’m mentioning this is because I think it made it even more flattering for him to have this person who he thinks other men value highly at his feet.

Out of all this the niggling feeling I'm left with is how you are so so defensive of his views and adamant that he would never cheat. I mean my friends women or men, have never been so passionate in declaring how much they wouldn't cheat as it's a given right? Everyone hates cheaters, right? I just struggle to think of a reason why it would come up time and time again to the point you are so sure of his views and how much he 'hates' cheaters. Sounds like it's load of bullshit, coupled with him dropping into the conversation how many women he has falling at his feet, I'm almost certain he's 'testing' you and grooming you for an affair. Why does he press you to declare your feelings? Turn it around on him and get him to declare his feelings. You sound quite naive, even though I get how you've become trapped. Although you have made a good decision not to tell him. Going forward please try to emotionally detach and move on with your life.

You just sound so desperately obsessed with him and his lazy occasional flattery. OP, that flattery is a script - you’re no different from the OW before or the ones who’ll come after you.

You would do better to work on your self esteem and sense of self - if the tired old flattery he’s coming out with now and then has such a desperately big impact on you.

I just struggle to think of a reason why it would come up time and time again to the point you are so sure of his views and how much he 'hates' cheaters.
It has come up a lot in conversation. We have had many chats about relationships and I had two exes cheat on me so that was two conversations. His wife has been cheated on in the past (another conversation). Some of our mutual colleagues have cheated (another couple of conversations) and a couple of my friends have cheated (again, more conversations). So it’s cropping up about once a month and he’s always aghast. I have never met anyone so vehemently anti cheating to the extent that it doesn’t seem normal. People cheat for their own reasons. In my view that is their business and I don’t begin to assume that I understand their relationship dynamics. For him it is totally black and white. Maybe it is his way of signalling to me “I will never cheat with you” without having to verbalise it. Maybe he says it because he’s tempted to cheat (not necessarily with me) and is trying to convince himself that he won’t. I don’t know.

I'm almost certain he's 'testing' you and grooming you for an affair.
But why tell me he would never have one if that’s actually what he wants?

Why does he press you to declare your feelings? Turn it around on him and get him to declare his feelings.
For an ego boost presumably? Because he wants to know? Because he’s a very curious person.
Ha! I would like to but I wouldn’t know where to begin.

OP.

This is your vanity and need driving you crazy.

He’s a boring old common-or-garden OM getting his ego fed by the woman who’s nearest - you.

Are there any courses/hobbies you’d like to try? To occupy your mind?

the tired old flattery he’s coming out with now and then has such a desperately big impact on you
I do have high self esteem. I really like myself. But you’re right, I was very susceptible to his flattery. I think that comes from naivety though as I never dreamt that someone would just say that stuff for effect. For example he was very complimentary about some of my writing that I showed him and he really encouraged me to write more. He was full of praise and very specific feedback on it. It didn’t occur to me that really he thought it was mediocre and was just trying to flatter me to his own end. I know I sound foolish but I don’t think that I will ever become cynical enough to survive in this world without getting hurt. I think I would rather stay like ‘me’ than become a hardened, more suspicious version of me. I am relatively street smart and not a pushover but I do have a gentle approach. My Dad is exactly the same.

He’s a boring old common-or-garden OM getting his ego fed by the woman who’s nearest - you.
Ha! Yes. 🤣

Anyone with real sensitivity wouldn’t be happily lapping up ooze from a married man without regard for his wife and child.

You’re not demonstrating any level of deeper understanding which would help you be a half decent writer.

Are there any courses/hobbies you’d like to try? To occupy your mind?
I think so. I would also like to invest more time in some of my other friendships. With this guy, he has been my go to person for every little worry or joy. Since he has backed off a bit over the past couple of months, I have had a gaping hole in terms of emotional support. I had clearly become too dependent on him.

This whole thread is giving me more and more reasons to stop being attracted to him. Thank you.

Thank you for your opinion AtrociousCircumstance.

You’re welcome OP - I hope you manage to detach. It’s a waste of time and it’s unkind of you to contribute to a betrayal.

All the best.

it’s unkind of you to contribute to a betrayal.
I know. I know that I’m not innocent in all of this. I have tried to keep my feelings to myself.