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Original poster

Will it get easier? Attracted to friend

504 replies

DarkHorseRider · 24/09/2019 00:23

It’s midnight and I’m in bed, having a cry because I miss my friend who has no idea that I have huge feelings for him. He’s attached so I can never tell him how I feel but it hurts. I just wish things could have been different.

I have a full and busy life, lovely friends and family. I have the best job. The only person that I want to confide in is the same person who this is all about so I can’t.

I think about going no contact every day but I don’t want to lose this special person from my life. Also, when I go LC he just gets in touch and, because I have never told him how I feel about him, there’s no reasonable explanation for not replying.

Do I just keep him as a friend who I’m really attracted to but can never be with?

I have name changed but I’m a regular: pombears, maui, penis beaker, etc. Although I don’t actually know the last story...ambles over to classics.

OP posts:
NoTheresa · 01/10/2019 10:15

His “admirers”? I don’t have the words to describe this stuff.🤢

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 10:16

By a strange coincidence I just saw this on a distant friend’s social media.

thepowerofsilence.co/21-stages-of-the-relationship-between-a-narcissist-and-an-empath/

I can really relate to this. I am a huge empath.

OP posts:
NoTheresa · 01/10/2019 10:17

Teenage angst but different vocab, man?Grin

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 10:19

I am beginning to wonder whether he has narcissistic tendencies. He doesn’t seem to experience love (although I am in no doubt that he loves his child), he struggles to see things from other people’s perspectives, he tells me he can be selfish and cruel.

OP posts:
NoTheresa · 01/10/2019 10:21

This person loves his wife, is in love with her, needs her, has a child with her, lives with her, has committed to her formally, shares her bed - in no particular order.

You, OP, are in the outside looking in. In a sense you are behaving like a stalker.

NoTheresa · 01/10/2019 10:21

...on the outside

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 10:21

Notice how his behaviour is inappropriate and is bound to make her uncomfortable, unhappy, stressed etc (again while having his baby/child) but he makes sure not to give her any "solid" infidelity to leave him for. Poor woman.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 10:23

Maybe shell get sick of having to monitor and patrol the boundaries with his "admirers" eventually and see him for what he is, but in the meantime she's invested (esp with a young child).
The way that he positioned it to me is that he wants to be understanding of her jealousy because he has been aggressively pursued in the past by other people. Maybe she is just as fooled by him and thinks he has these admirers without him having encouraged them. He’s very convincing. As I said earlier, I once heard him lie on the phone and I have never seen such a convincing liar. It was chilling. Perhaps she thinks me and the others are just predators and her husband is our prey.

OP posts:
JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 10:24

From an armchair psychology point of view, I too think he's a narcissist.

Doesn't chump lady refer to the sort of attention this type wants (and often cheats for) as "ego kibbles" (kibbles being pet treats in the US).

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 10:25

In a sense you are behaving like a stalker.
I disagree with you. I feel like I have been duped by him to an extent. I’m certainly not stalking him. He’s the one who contacts me. I have feelings for him that I have never shared with him.

OP posts:
JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 10:27

The way that he positioned it to me is that he wants to be understanding of her jealousy because he has been aggressively pursued in the past by other people. Maybe she is just as fooled by him and thinks he has these admirers without him having encouraged them. He’s very convincing. As I said earlier, I once heard him lie on the phone and I have never seen such a convincing liar. It was chilling. Perhaps she thinks me and the others are just predators and her husband is our prey.

Seems like a distinct possibility.

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 10:29

This person loves his wife, is in love with her

No, he doesn't

In a sense you are behaving like a stalker.

A stalker has been given no encouragement, not hooked in. She has. This guy has a history .. funny how he keeps gaining stalkers. I had a bil like that, he was fking all of them.

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 10:31

His “admirers”? I don’t have the words to describe this stuff.🤢

That's the word he used. RTFT.

NoTheresa · 01/10/2019 10:31

We only have the OP’s “version” to go on. I am sceptical about her judgment. I think otherwise.

NoTheresa · 01/10/2019 10:32

Admirers may be the word he used. I am aware of that. I still feel 🤢

NoTheresa · 01/10/2019 10:34

This whole story is purely self indulgent. Nothing else.

Original poster
DarkHorseRider · 01/10/2019 10:36

We only have the OP’s “version” to go on. I am sceptical about her judgment. I think otherwise.
I’m very aware that this is just my perspective. I have tried to just give the facts and the things he’s said to me. I am under no illusions that he probably has no feelings for me whatsoever. I think he likes how I make him feel rather than is attracted to me.

What’s your opinion on this? I’m genuinely interested.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 01/10/2019 10:36

he wants to be understanding of her jealousy
She just has to be an unreasonable jealous woman because he's never behaved in an inappropriate way. He's such a brat.
How he acts is enough to bring out jealous tendencies in the most secure person.
Like what @JustWonderful is saying, she's been on the brunt of this before.

Maybe she is just as fooled by him and thinks he has these admirers without him having encouraged them
No doubt. He'll be doing and saying all the right things to her. She's his wife & mother of child, he's scared to lose her.
You have no idea how he's positioned you to her. Probably as needy, lonely work colleague who needs company & since hes such a great dutiful man they must go.

Everafter1 · 01/10/2019 10:46

What’s your opinion on this? I’m genuinely interested.

For someone who has encouraged genuine feelings from another woman while he's married;
It's odd that after 2 years of this he's not even hinted at making a move,
It's odd that he brings his wife along & won't ever be alone with you,
It's odd that if you ask to see him he'll agree but delay it weeks till he feels like he can/or be bothered.
He's also backed off.
The confusing part is he's instigating contact (from what I believe)

I think overall. He's not interested in the way you are. He's married OP!! You're in your 30s. You know it's morally wrong.

MrsBobDylan · 01/10/2019 10:47

This isn't a friendship op. Friends don't fancy each other.

If you don't squash this impossible attraction you will piss away your 30s lusting after someone who is neither available or nice.

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 10:48

I am sceptical about her judgment.

And I'm skeptical about yours if you believe a man who acts like this truly loves or is in love with his wife.

Op had no reason to lie about him saying, for example that he has never been in love, or that he had sex with his wife because she's there and he's horny, for example. The latter sounds like a quite realistic, nasty little nugget from a man like this.

She also has no reason to lie about the previous woman who became a "problem".

He's text book, his lines are classic .. I believe her.

NoTheresa · 01/10/2019 10:48

sceptical

NoTheresa · 01/10/2019 10:49

This isn't a friendship op. Friends don't fancy each other.

Precisely.

JustWonderful · 01/10/2019 10:50

It's odd that after 2 years of this he's not even hinted at making a move

Ego massage is his game; admiration, gratification etc. - not outright infidelity - he's turned down every opportunity op knows of before as well (the saucy card sender, also probably flirted with in work, and "stalker no 1").

Everafter1 · 01/10/2019 10:54

Yip @JustWonderful he's no intention. None of it's genuine. His needs are already being met & he needs nothing more.

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