How long did it take for OH to propose?

[DoubtingMyPatience]

How long was you in a relationship when DP proposed? And how old were you?

I’ve been with DP for over 5 years now, we have a mortgage together and are now expecting our first child. We’re very happy together, I won’t say it’s all daffodils and roses, we bicker but we always resolve our issues together.

We’ve been to a few weddings and he often says things like “this venue is really nice, it’s the sort of place I’d like as a wedding venue” so then it leads to the whole conversation of me asking him if he believes in marriage as I know some people don’t, he said he thinks he wants to get married one day, most days he tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He knows I want to get married, but he also knows I wouldn’t want to get married quickly, I like the idea of a long engagement, enough time to save and plan for the wedding we want. I’m not particularly getting impatient, but I’ve joked about him ‘popping the question’ and he brushes it off and says he will one day. When we was talking about it he did mention that he is very shy and would be nervous to do it in front of anyone, that’s fair enough. And while at my parents organising our family holiday my mum said it would be lovely if he did it t Disneyland (where we were visiting before having a week in south France) when we left my parents he got really into talking about doing it at Disney and how cool it would be and it would be an engagement to remember. I’m not going to lie, I got my hopes up a bit and it didn’t happen. But more fool me for assuming he would right?

I would like to get married, and I want a long engagement to plan and if I’m honest, after I’ve finished BF baby I would like to have a breast reduction, and I’d like that before I have to wear a wedding dress, I’m very self conscious of my boobs and don’t want to compromise on my dress because of my disproportionate sizing. So I’m in no rush, but I would like the commitment, and me being fussy me would also like to be married before 30. I know I can’t pick and choose, but after 5 years and lots and lots of talk and it still hasn’t happened, I’m starting to feel like it never will. I don’t want to raise it with DP as I know I sound very pushy and it is a massive commitment, but I don’t want him to feel pressured at all which is what’s bound to happen if I ask him why he hasn’t done it yet. I want him to want to do it without me feeling like I’ve made him to.

Did anyone else feel like this? Did it ever happen?

I should also mention even if it’s abit odd, I’ve looked at rings and shown DP as he was worried he wouldn’t pick one I like if and when it comes to it, so I showed him the sort of thing I liked. He said that he wanted to buy a new engine for his car and it was going to cost 10k but if he were to do that then he would buy me a ring first. I got pretty excited as I thought it must be getting closer. Anyway, he bought his engine over a year ago now. I pretty much know he hasn’t bought a ring, but I’d never ask as I’d hate to sound like I deserve or expect it.. even though I semi did expect it as that’s what he said he would do.

Maybe he thinks about it and then gets nervous and backs away from the idea?

It sounds like he doesn't want to marry you. It isn't a priority for him. He nods along with you but he has no real intention of proposing.

Have you asked him to marry you?

3 kids and 8 years. His mum had him convinced that "it was just a piece of paper". It was alright for him. He was the main breadwinner and our children all carried his name. Married MIL would constantly say how we didn't need to get married, it didn't mean anything.
The standard reply to me not liking having a different surname to my own children was for me to change my name via deed poll. Um no thanks. I'm not taking it if it's not given!!! We married after being together 10 years. 5 years on we're still going strong in a very happy marriage.

@Shoxfordian yeah, that’s how it feels. I just needed someone to tell me that so I can stop expecting it

@Parker231 when is the next leap year? Lol no, I did joke about it when we were talking about leap years, he said he would absolutely hate that as he is quite traditional and thinks it should be the man that proposes. I also don’t have big enough balls to do it

Decide if it's a dealbreaker for you or not

It was lovely being able to have our children as part of our wedding though. Seeing my 2yo son in a kilt matching his dad's, standing up with him as the wee best man beside the big best man. 😂

Adorable!

Are you going back to work after having the baby?

@DamonSalvatoresDinner

Ahh, see I got upset a few weeks ago when I asked him about perhaps including my name on the Birth certificate as well as his, he got very defensive and said he didn’t want that and he only want DD to have his name. I didn’t find it very fair and it really upset me that asking him about it had upset him. But also was abit annoyed that I’d given a perfectly reasonable suggestion of both our names, not just mine and he got so upset and refused. He then backtracked when he saw how upset I was about not having the same surname as DD and he said we could use both if I wanted to and he would just ‘have to grin and bare it’

So now I don’t even know what to do about that!

Yes, back to work after baby, I have a pretty good career so I’m taking the standard 9 months then going back, first for 3 days a week then back to my standard every other Monday off.

OP, you need to have a frank discussion with him. It's time to shit or get off the pot. It really hurt that my DH kept putting off proposing. I HATED introducing our children's dad as my "Boyfriend" like some teenager. Some men just have no idea. If it's not something they want they just don't bother. Get him told straight.

It would be lovely to see DD as a little flower girl walking down the aisle in a few years.

I don’t know if it is a deal breaker, I’ve always wanted the good career, home with a family. I wanted marriage to be a part of that but I understand not and more people aren’t getting married now due to the ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ stance. But it’s always been what I’ve envisioned for myself. I obviously love him and I don’t think I’d leave if he didn’t ever want to get married. But it’s something I’ve always wanted don I can’t lie, I’d be quite upset to give that up.

If hes that traditional how comes you're pregnant

He doesn't sound keen.

Dh proposed to me on our first wedding anniversary. But it was simple. Before the wedding we just said "shall we get married?" "Ok" "cool. When shall we tell our parents?"

It's really not 10k for a new engine! He's making excuses OP

@DoubtingMyPatience I too had that discussion when we went to register our kids. I told him that because we weren't married and he had no intention of marriage then perhaps my surname would be best. He was horrified and told me that kids should have their father's name. His mother really kicked off at the mere suggestion of using my name. I mean huge family fallout. Funny how fairness doesn't suit when it's them compromising.

So he wants your dd to have his name but he hasn't given you the option of taking it... not great

@grimbles ha! Because we both want children, he said he wanted them by 30, and by 32 he started worrying about being an ‘older’ dad that wouldn’t be able to keep up with an energetic child. Not that he is that old at all! But I also really want to start a family so we agreed. Here I am 23 weeks pregnant, unmarried and hormonal crying over not getting a proposal in 5+ years when google said average time it takes a man is 1year, 8 months and 3 days! He’s 4 years late to this party!

@NoisingUpNissan it was 10k, verified by myself after I genuinely couldn’t believe he would spend that much on just one part of a car. But he was adamant it was the last bit he needed.. now his turbo something or another won’t fit the new manifold something or another on this engine so he needs to spend more money having a new something connect to a new something.... I did listen, I just forgot.

So hes only traditional when it benefits him? You get to take all the health and financial risks and he gets to carry on as he pleases.

If you arent good enough to bear his name, then neither is his child...

I think you need to tell him straight that you want to get married.

Do NOT give baby his surname if you are not married, that’s madness. You can always change it later if you do marry. But you can’t change it back to yours without his permission.

There’s a 50% chance you will split up and you will end up with your child having a different name and you can’t change it.

You are also CRAZY to take 9 months mat leave and go part time without being married. Seriously!!!! Have you any idea what that will do to your income, promotion chances and pension ?? While he gets to earn all the cash and build his career while he’s got no commitment to you. You take all the risk while he takes none. You do all the unpaid low status work and he does all the highly paid prestigious work.

You must be kidding.

You need to stop worrying about trivia like flower girl dresses and start thinking about financial security for you and your unborn child.

I’m sorry to sound harsh but you need to grow up fast, you are going to be a mum.

He had 10k he could have spent on a massive diamond instead though, this really tells you something about his priorities

Married 24 years and he hasn’t proposed yet!

We got engaged to move overseas as a bit of a sign of commitment mainly for my dad. Moved back to uk. Bought a house. Talked about marriage but that was about it. Then I booked a venue. Told him. He said he wasn’t getting married. I said well you have a week to think about it before I have to put a deposit down. After a week I said I needed to call the hotel. He said no. I said I’ll make you a cup of tea so he said yes.

I don’t get the whole waiting for him to buy a ring and do the whole proposal thing. You have a child and live together already. So you need to think about what is important. Maybe he doesn’t want to do the whole proposal bit? Especially with everyone talking about it. DH wouldn’t have.

Maybe just chat to him in general about a time scale and see where you go from there?

@DamonSalvatoresDinner yes, he had similar a similar meltdown when I told him if he was that upset then hen would be surprised to know that traditionally children with unmarried parents take the mothers name and not the fathers. He dismissed that idea and wouldn’t even let me prove it. Because he knows I was right and knew he was being unfair. It’s still a conversation we need to have as I can’t rock up to register her and just out my name down too without having a conversation with him first. I just don’t want to cause nay upset again

Start causing some upset and advocating for yourself op