How long did it take for OH to propose?

[DoubtingMyPatience]

How long was you in a relationship when DP proposed? And how old were you?

I’ve been with DP for over 5 years now, we have a mortgage together and are now expecting our first child. We’re very happy together, I won’t say it’s all daffodils and roses, we bicker but we always resolve our issues together.

We’ve been to a few weddings and he often says things like “this venue is really nice, it’s the sort of place I’d like as a wedding venue” so then it leads to the whole conversation of me asking him if he believes in marriage as I know some people don’t, he said he thinks he wants to get married one day, most days he tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He knows I want to get married, but he also knows I wouldn’t want to get married quickly, I like the idea of a long engagement, enough time to save and plan for the wedding we want. I’m not particularly getting impatient, but I’ve joked about him ‘popping the question’ and he brushes it off and says he will one day. When we was talking about it he did mention that he is very shy and would be nervous to do it in front of anyone, that’s fair enough. And while at my parents organising our family holiday my mum said it would be lovely if he did it t Disneyland (where we were visiting before having a week in south France) when we left my parents he got really into talking about doing it at Disney and how cool it would be and it would be an engagement to remember. I’m not going to lie, I got my hopes up a bit and it didn’t happen. But more fool me for assuming he would right?

I would like to get married, and I want a long engagement to plan and if I’m honest, after I’ve finished BF baby I would like to have a breast reduction, and I’d like that before I have to wear a wedding dress, I’m very self conscious of my boobs and don’t want to compromise on my dress because of my disproportionate sizing. So I’m in no rush, but I would like the commitment, and me being fussy me would also like to be married before 30. I know I can’t pick and choose, but after 5 years and lots and lots of talk and it still hasn’t happened, I’m starting to feel like it never will. I don’t want to raise it with DP as I know I sound very pushy and it is a massive commitment, but I don’t want him to feel pressured at all which is what’s bound to happen if I ask him why he hasn’t done it yet. I want him to want to do it without me feeling like I’ve made him to.

Did anyone else feel like this? Did it ever happen?

If a bit miffed at the people calling me and for going back to work initially part time as I’m ‘putting myself and child at financial risk’

If I couldn’t afford to go back to work part time I would not. I am in no way dependant on my DP for money. I won’t be doesn’t on him for money if I go back for 3 days a week either

Do we assume all pregnant women are poor and depend on a significant other to financially support them during and after maternity?

Going to mention it this evening. Thanks for those who have sound advice and not just judgement :)

I really hope he agrees to get married OP. It is a bit suspicious that a “traditional” man doesn’t seem keen to marry his pregnant girlfriend, but hopefully I’m wrong.

Make it clear that you’re not bothered about an expensive ring or pricey hotel all-day event. You just want to be married.

Sorry but it seems like he isn't committed

Can you afford to be part time if he Sods off and doesn't pay maintenance? Including childcare?

What about if you or your child are too unwell for you to do that and you need to take longer mat leave/become a sahm? Can you afford THAT solo?

What's the situation with your mortgage? Can you afford to buy him out or what would happen in event of a split?

I'm no expert on mortgage side but if you describe yours there are more knowledgeable mners who can advise the likely outcome in a split or if he were to die.

The scenario that made me VERY cautious was seeing my aunt who was not married to her "partner" (I agree that term is being used as a cop out and causing many not to protect themselves appropriately) with 2 very young children when he died suddenly.

Her name was not on the mortgage as she didn't earn enough to be included AND because they weren't married. She had no reason at the time (she thought) to be worried about this.

She was a sahm at the time he died and so no income of her own.

Her "in laws" that she had previously thought herself very close to and got along with did not behave well!

As he'd not made a will the house (the family home) & all other assets went to his parents. Theoretically the children should have inherited BUT he also wasn't on the birth certificates as he was working when aunt registered them. So no proof they were his (no DNA testing at this time - that change now helps a bit).

She found herself with 2 young, confused, grieving children, grieving herself having to find a home, a job and childcare quick smart! She couldn't stay at home and care for her distraught children because she needed to earn.

NOBODY knows what is around the corner.

All anyone can do is put as much in place as they are able to protect themselves and their children IN CASE any one of a thousand things that can happen, does.

I'm also an ex nurse and I have SEEN the MOST APPALLING treatment of unmarried partners and the children of that relationship by the family of the sick/dying partner.

I've seen the distress of their partners upon realising they have NO rights as "common law spouse" (because that's not a real legal definition in the uk) and regarding homes and assets.

I've even seen loving partners blocked from visiting dying "partners" by the partners legally recognised family.

And I've known of funeral arrangement details being withheld from "partners" meaning they've missed the funeral or even been told the wrong details deliberately.

You really cannot rely on people behaving well once they are no longer legally obliged to treat you decently!

Actually even if you do want the "big white wedding" it might be worth saying to him you don't, that you just want a wee quiet wedding, even eloping...

Because if he won't even go for that it'll be clear to you he has no interest in marrying

I had a "big white wedding" but we did it on the cheap and engagement to wedding was 3 months! It was a bit frantic but it IS possible.

Our rush was due to a few family issues (some poorly people who it was really important to us they were able to attend and if we'd left it longer they might not have been able to) and his job (army) as he had a deployment coming up which would've made the family issues even more tight time wise.

It sounds like he doesn’t actually want to get married and you want the wedding day itself otherwise you’d be happy enough to nip to the registry office rather than the long engagement etc.

It’s an old fashioned view. Marriage is a contract. Being married provides protection to the person that stays at home with DC. Having your DD as a flower girl at your wedding is not appropriate IMO.

That last comment is such a dickish thing to say. DP and I met each other in our mid 30s and decided children were the most important thing. We will get married after the baby is born (and my reasons why include wanting to drink at my own wedding and anyone who thinks that is any of their business can slot off). That means our child will be at our wedding and nothing about it will be “inappropriate”.

OP’s situation isn’t good but plenty of people choose not to be married and have children first.

We married after 3 years together. Neither of us 'proposed' to the other...we discussed it and agreed it was what we both wanted.

I didn’t actually see the comment about it being inappropriate for DD to be a flower girl.

Don’t panic, I just won’t invite her

I’m happy to just go to a registry office before DD is born, but why am I not allowed to want to have the dress and the venue and the party?

Yes marriage is about commitment, but a wedding is also plays quite a big part, it may not be a necessity, but it shouldn’t be discounted just because we’re starting a family?

Being completely honest, I get excited thinking about dress shopping, liking flowers and seeing DP face at the other end of the aisle. Albeit cheesy, but it’s a once in a lifetime thing endless you get divorced and remarry

If he want to do the registry and legal bit done quietly and just the two of us, that’s absolutely fine, it’s the being married more than anything. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want the party too!

I had a medium sized wedding for about 70 people. The ONLY reason DH and I didn't elope alone was because I was desperate for a disco and to throw some shapes with my brother 😁 wanting the party is not silly at all!

@DoubtingMyPatience I asked my (now) DH. We had been living together 2 years, were buying a house together, we had talked about it. I just kind of threw it in a conversation and 3 months later we got married! Absolutely perfect occasion, small and with all the people that mattered to us. Just had our first anniversary last month. 😝

I’m happy to just go to a registry office before DD is born, but why am I not allowed to want to have the dress and the venue and the party?

Yes marriage is about commitment, but a wedding is also plays quite a big part, it may not be a necessity, but it shouldn’t be discounted just because we’re starting a family?

Oh, welcome to MN where the ongoing competition for “my wedding was the smallest” results in posters boasting they got married on a budget of £8 and invited only 5 family members with everyone being given a dry crust of bread and tap water and the bride wearing a bin bag.

Nothing wrong with wanting a big wedding as long as you’re also focused on the lifelong marriage part of it as well rather than putting all effort in to that big one-day party

@shirleyphallus oh is that what it is!? I understand why people would want small £8 weddings with 5 family members. But that just isn’t me.

We got engaged two months after meeting and got married two years after meeting. Not really sure what our hurry was with the getting engaged thing. Some people just don't see marriage as that important. I know lots of people who have been coupled up for donkeys years but no signs of getting married.

We decided to get married after 12yrs & we had 2 kids at the time. He was offered a job overseas & I wanted the extra securtiy of being married before i agreed to move. We got married at a small country hotel, just invited our immediate families and had a lovely weekend with our nearest & dearest which also doubled as a farewell party.

After about two months. We immediately started trying for a baby and got married a few months later (first available date). I know a few people who managed it even quicker than we did. Everyone I know is one extreme or the other.

We got engaged after a year,married after another year. No way was I having dc reducing my working hours without the security of getting married. If it's what you want you need a very deep discussion now!

Glad to hear you’re sitting down with him tonight.

Agree, the most important aspect is the legal protection, particularly if one of you is ill or dies. You need next of kin rights, inheritance laws, pensions, life assurance - all of which get different treatment if married.

While it’s great you’ve got a good job, you are taking a hit financially by taking mat leave and then going part time - unless you can afford to top up your pension contributions to full time levels?

If the party matters to you, that’s fine, save up and have it, but please get the legalities sorted ASAP.

6 years, we got married 2 years later and have been together over a decade now! 🥰

Have you posted about this before? The Disneyland bit sounds familiar, and the fact you are pregnant.

If it is the same OP, you were told then he clearly doesn't want to marry you or he'd have asked by now.

Like hell would my baby be having his name. Why does his wants take precedence when if you split it's you who will be the primary carer

If you are after the big wedding then I think it’s sensible to do what suggest: register office now, big wedding later. If he refuses to even do the register office bit you have your answer.

My husband didn't propose. He didn't really want to get married but he knew I did and I wouldn't stay around otherwise. He bought me the ring for Christmas (no proposal but I knew what it meant). We'd between together 2.5 years and it took its another 2.5 to save up for the actual wedding. We've now been married nearly 20 years.

I dont know if I hadn't pressed the point when or if he'd have asked. He says he would ... but he's terrible at getting round to things!

I not only refused to have children before marriage but to buy a property together too. I couldn't see the point if he wasn't going the full Monty.

Ironically although we had 2 children I'm now the much higher earner and I'd be better off not married, but I'm cool with that. It's worked for us.

I think you've left yourself vulnerable agreeing to go part time etc. You should be firm and find out his intentions. I'm very suspicious that you can't talk to him about it because he "gets upset". Gets his own way more like!

I'm annoyed reading about his belief in traditions - that only the man can propose and only the man gets to give the child his surname (my kids have both btw). He didn't mind sticking his willy in you and getting you pregnant outside wedlock!

I'm sorry OP but I've heard too many stories like this from women in their 20s. I second the frank discussion. You simply need to tell him you expect marriage and soon. Until then, your daughter will have your surname with his second to yours. Men generally need an incentive to propose. And do not feel pushy! The squeaky wheel gets the oil and if he is scared off by you being honest about your needs in the relationship he is never going to do it anyway. It's balls out of the bath time I'm afraid. Better to know now where you stand than waste another five years dithering about.

Sat down, talked.

He said he’s more than happy to go to a registry office and get married at this point in time. Also happy to celebrate after baby is born.

He did then go on to talk about dinner and refilling the dishwasher.. so the topic didn’t last very long. But he was sincere when saying it and I didn’t feel necessarily brushed off. I just wonder if I’ll have to bring it up again myself or if he shall follow through either way, sounds like it’s the actually ring/planning/wedding party that’s been the reason for stalling.

Thanks to everyone who told me to grow a pair and talk to him.

If I were you and expecting a child I'd be having a serious conversation about marriage now. Think of the protections it offers. You may need to stop work, reduce your hours, find yourself financially dependent. The day, the dress, the breast reduction are frankly just bells and whistles.