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Original poster

How long did it take for OH to propose?

188 replies

DoubtingMyPatience · 23/09/2019 10:02

How long was you in a relationship when DP proposed? And how old were you?

I’ve been with DP for over 5 years now, we have a mortgage together and are now expecting our first child. We’re very happy together, I won’t say it’s all daffodils and roses, we bicker but we always resolve our issues together.

We’ve been to a few weddings and he often says things like “this venue is really nice, it’s the sort of place I’d like as a wedding venue” so then it leads to the whole conversation of me asking him if he believes in marriage as I know some people don’t, he said he thinks he wants to get married one day, most days he tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He knows I want to get married, but he also knows I wouldn’t want to get married quickly, I like the idea of a long engagement, enough time to save and plan for the wedding we want. I’m not particularly getting impatient, but I’ve joked about him ‘popping the question’ and he brushes it off and says he will one day. When we was talking about it he did mention that he is very shy and would be nervous to do it in front of anyone, that’s fair enough. And while at my parents organising our family holiday my mum said it would be lovely if he did it t Disneyland (where we were visiting before having a week in south France) when we left my parents he got really into talking about doing it at Disney and how cool it would be and it would be an engagement to remember. I’m not going to lie, I got my hopes up a bit and it didn’t happen. But more fool me for assuming he would right?

I would like to get married, and I want a long engagement to plan and if I’m honest, after I’ve finished BF baby I would like to have a breast reduction, and I’d like that before I have to wear a wedding dress, I’m very self conscious of my boobs and don’t want to compromise on my dress because of my disproportionate sizing. So I’m in no rush, but I would like the commitment, and me being fussy me would also like to be married before 30. I know I can’t pick and choose, but after 5 years and lots and lots of talk and it still hasn’t happened, I’m starting to feel like it never will. I don’t want to raise it with DP as I know I sound very pushy and it is a massive commitment, but I don’t want him to feel pressured at all which is what’s bound to happen if I ask him why he hasn’t done it yet. I want him to want to do it without me feeling like I’ve made him to.

Did anyone else feel like this? Did it ever happen?

OP posts:
DamonSalvatoresDinner · 23/09/2019 11:06

@doublesheesh I'm not sure of the whole story but the deceased NDN had never divorced her ex, even after 30+ years. It did affect who could legally access the bank accounts etc. Maybe it was her legal husband who had all the rights (and as a result, their joint child did)

Grimbles · 23/09/2019 11:08

I dont think Nissan said she would be financially dependent on him? She is the one taking a financial risk though.

Original poster
DoubtingMyPatience · 23/09/2019 11:08

I don’t think DP purposely doesn’t care. I just don’t think he understands the real importance. I think he sees wedding party, rings and potshot dressed guests.

I don’t think he actually realises the affect or not being married could have. Which is exactly why you’re all telling me I need to grow a pair and have a conversation with him. I’m going to try tonightSmile

OP posts:
Actaea · 23/09/2019 11:08

Sorry but he doesn’t want to marry you. He’s had ample opportunity to propose. You have a mortgage and a baby so it’s not like he’s still making up his mind whether or not he wants a future with you. He’s quite happy coasting along (because you’re letting him) and will never marry you because he doesn’t need to.

At this point I wouldn’t try to force him to marry you. It will always feel forced. You need to accept that he won’t marry you and either stay without marriage or make plans to leave. Definitely don’t give the baby his name - if he doesn’t want you then he can’t have your baby.

I left two boyfriends because they wouldn’t marry me after a couple of years. Both of them are now in 10yr relationships with kids and neither of them have married their girlfriends. Which just proves I was right to dump them. Some men just don’t want to get married.

ChristmasFluff · 23/09/2019 11:15

You really need to make him understand how much it means to you - and to do that you have to show him you have boundaries too, and your daughter's name is one of them.

Your surname until you are married.

I think you will see the 'real' him then, and I don't think you are going to like it, because it sounds like he's been running the show and stringing you along until now.

Span1elsRock · 23/09/2019 11:25

We met at Christmas, I moved in with him the September after, and he proposed very unexpectedly on a weekend away in the February so 14 months in total.

You are both in the relationship, and you both need to happy where it is going for it to work.

Hederex · 23/09/2019 11:29

I don't think he wants to get married, or not at this point anyway.
He shouldn't be stringing you along dangling it though.
Look, rings, planning etc is all very well, but it's the marriage itself that will protect you now you are having a child, particularly financially if you've put your career on hold with maternity leave etc and the relationship then goes pear shaped.
There are a few red flags here for me...the focus on the perfect wedding rather than the marriage, his lack of openness about future plans, his reaction towards the name thing.
In your position I would try once more for a real, honest conversation about this.
If he says he doesn't want to marry, you can decide if that's a deal breaker for you.
If he says he does, make sure it's backed up by action.
If he won't have a real conversation, that says a lot about his ability to have an adult relationship.
This isn't a fairy story.

Thehop · 23/09/2019 11:38

If you don’t marry I would insist on some legal protection. An insurance policy, deeds clear cut and your dd having both names at the very least.

Iron out money too, you’re losing out a lot career and future wise to have his baby, with zero commitment from him.

HowDoIMoveOnFromThis · 23/09/2019 11:39

I'd give the baby my surname and then have the birth certificate reissued in our family name once we were married.

I know I'd do that because it's what I did.

Why unmarried women given their children the father's surname I will never know, esp when it is generally the woman left holding the baby when the man has had enough.f

Honeybee0 · 23/09/2019 11:41

But you've made the biggest commitment together by having a kid.
Have I missed something?
If you don't think he's fully committed then why didn't you ask him about marriage before having a baby together Confused

CouscousEvaporator · 23/09/2019 11:43

Good luck with your conversation tonight, I hope you get the answers you want.

I definitely would not give the baby his surname until he follows through on these promises.

Frenchfancy · 23/09/2019 11:46

10 days! Been married 25 years.

He doesn't want to marry you. Venues, flower girl dresses, breast reductions are all irrelevant.

frazzledasarock · 23/09/2019 11:50

You have a mortgage and soon a baby together... and marriage is the massive commitment?

Sit down talk to him and tell him what you want and listen to him when he tells you what he wants.

I suspect he likes the idea of a wedding but doesn’t really want the reality of it.

Musti · 23/09/2019 11:59

Only read page one.

Tell him that you're being traditional and if you're not married when the baby is born, she will have your name as per tradition. If you marry in the future, she can have her name changed.

Also do not sacrifice your career and make sure that any loss of earnings suffered by you because of having a baby is funded by him. You are not at all protected by being unmarried so you have to protect yourself.

Marriage is only a piece of paper as long as there are no kids or career sacrifices made.

zebrasdontwearbras · 23/09/2019 12:05

A lawyer friend of mine told me she doesn't understand why people with children don't get married, and that the way the law stands, they all should.

Bluefox467 · 23/09/2019 12:12

I wouldn't offer practical reasons to get married, pensions,etc, none of that is important or a reason to marry. It has to be because he loves and desires you and for no other reason.

My husband had a mum and dad who married, they split early on, then both parents met other people but didn't marry them and stayed together the rest of their lives. In his head it didn't need a marriage to work.

I always wanted to marry him.

When our daughter was about two I simply said, you feel strongly about not getting married, I feel strongly I want to get married, so you are asking me to live my life giving up on the one thing I wanted because you don't want it. Which is fine, but where do you think this will leave us in the future?

And bam.. Just like that two years later he proposed lol.

Can't pressure them. But just putting the differences in you out there can't do any harm.

ElizaDee · 23/09/2019 12:15

14 months in. We did everything pretty quickly, we moved in at about 8 months.

BoudicasBoudoir · 23/09/2019 12:18

I got married at six months pregnant. We did it in the local register office; it took less than half an hour and cost very little.

I had told my partner that I would be registering our child in my name if we weren’t married by the time she was born. I had read my Mumsnet and knew the legal benefits of being married when there are children. I might have let it go if I hadn’t.

You can always have the party later.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/09/2019 12:20

@DoubtingMyPatience I suspect you either leave this to chance or have some hard conversations.

I was with my last serious partner for eight years; we did all the things you've done, I got all the same assurances and promises... it never happened. In the fourth year, I proposed, he refused to answer saying he was traditional and wanted to do it himself. He didn't, really, he just didn't want to marry. I wish I'd left him then, when really I knew that if he'd wanted to marry me he'd have agreed, rather than let him convince me he just wanted to do the asking... instead it dragged on for a few more years.

Current partner proposed after 2.5 years; wedding is planned for next year. He did want to do it himself, but he did it; too. He knew he wanted to. We talked about it once, briefly, to see if we were on the same page.

It hurts to admit it and I fought adamantly against it before, but the people who say he'd have done it if he wanted to are right.

BoudicasBoudoir · 23/09/2019 12:21

And to answer your question - he ‘proposed ‘ nearly 6 years after our first date.

AgathaF · 23/09/2019 12:28

Maybe it's the planning, big wedding etc that is putting him off, rather than actually being married to you. How would he feel about something smaller and without all the planning (which let's face it is a bit tedious if you're not into all that stuff), maybe something with just the two of you and two witnesses, or just with immediate family? You've said he's shy and nervous, so maybe need to take that into consideration.

GladAllOver · 23/09/2019 12:29

I wasn't going to have children and financial commitments with a partner and wait patiently to see if he might propose one day.

After we moved in together and it was going well, we talked about getting married and spent about a thousand on doing it.
What is it with all these posts about 'will he propose' and 'why won't he propose' ?
What's wrong with "Are we getting married then"?

peardrops1 · 23/09/2019 12:29

Urgh I can't bear it when men get all precious about the child needing to bear THEIR surname. So sexist and gross. GET A GRIP MY GOOD FELLOW.

ShirleyPhallus · 23/09/2019 12:43

OP you have had some great advice here. You shouldn’t be nervous, if you’re planning a future together with mortgage and kids then of course you should be able to actually discuss it

ShippingNews · 23/09/2019 12:57

I just don't get - women have come so far , yet so many still wait for the man to make this big romantic proposal . Surely this should be a joint decision - not "girl waiting for boy to propose" for heavens sake.

DH and I just talked about it from early on - nobody was waiting for the big proposal. When we decided that it was a good idea, we spent 1 thousand on a nice garden ceremony and lunch for a dozen people. Done deal.

Waiting for the big proposal is not going to work, OP. Have an adult conversation and find out if he actually wants to marry you. All this stuff about Disneyland proposals , wedding venues, and breast reductions is part of a dream of a romantic proposal / wedding instead of the real subject of marriage.

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