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Original poster

How long did it take for OH to propose?

188 replies

DoubtingMyPatience · 23/09/2019 10:02

How long was you in a relationship when DP proposed? And how old were you?

I’ve been with DP for over 5 years now, we have a mortgage together and are now expecting our first child. We’re very happy together, I won’t say it’s all daffodils and roses, we bicker but we always resolve our issues together.

We’ve been to a few weddings and he often says things like “this venue is really nice, it’s the sort of place I’d like as a wedding venue” so then it leads to the whole conversation of me asking him if he believes in marriage as I know some people don’t, he said he thinks he wants to get married one day, most days he tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He knows I want to get married, but he also knows I wouldn’t want to get married quickly, I like the idea of a long engagement, enough time to save and plan for the wedding we want. I’m not particularly getting impatient, but I’ve joked about him ‘popping the question’ and he brushes it off and says he will one day. When we was talking about it he did mention that he is very shy and would be nervous to do it in front of anyone, that’s fair enough. And while at my parents organising our family holiday my mum said it would be lovely if he did it t Disneyland (where we were visiting before having a week in south France) when we left my parents he got really into talking about doing it at Disney and how cool it would be and it would be an engagement to remember. I’m not going to lie, I got my hopes up a bit and it didn’t happen. But more fool me for assuming he would right?

I would like to get married, and I want a long engagement to plan and if I’m honest, after I’ve finished BF baby I would like to have a breast reduction, and I’d like that before I have to wear a wedding dress, I’m very self conscious of my boobs and don’t want to compromise on my dress because of my disproportionate sizing. So I’m in no rush, but I would like the commitment, and me being fussy me would also like to be married before 30. I know I can’t pick and choose, but after 5 years and lots and lots of talk and it still hasn’t happened, I’m starting to feel like it never will. I don’t want to raise it with DP as I know I sound very pushy and it is a massive commitment, but I don’t want him to feel pressured at all which is what’s bound to happen if I ask him why he hasn’t done it yet. I want him to want to do it without me feeling like I’ve made him to.

Did anyone else feel like this? Did it ever happen?

OP posts:
0lga · 23/09/2019 10:30

Of course you can register the baby on your own. Legally he can’t register the child himself unless you are married.

You have the legal right AND tradition on your side. He has to persuade you otherwise , not the other way around.

Shmithecat2 · 23/09/2019 10:32

@DoubtingMyPatience

as I can’t rock up to register her and just out my name down too without having a conversation with him first.

You can do precisely that if you're not married....

Grimbles · 23/09/2019 10:32

I can’t rock up to register her and just out my name down

You absolutely can. He gets no say if hes not married to you.

TBH though, why would you want to be married to someone who thinks so little of you?

TheSweatyPregnancy · 23/09/2019 10:33

I waited 10 years @DoubtingMyPatience

We had always said we both wanted to get married and I realised I probably was mentioning it too much, too much hinting. So I stopped bringing it up and it happened.

We found out I was pregnant a few months before the 10 year mark and then on the 10 year anniversary of our first date he proposed and we are now wedding planning. He had planned to propose on a holiday we had booked for our 10 year anniversary, which we then had to cancel because it clashed with my due date!

With you saying you want to be married before you are 30 makes me think you’re only young? I’m 27 and had the same thoughts as you and always said I don’t want to get married so old that I have to wear a pant suit! Grin

Trust your gut instinct. None of us know your DP, and I think you will be able to tell when you bring it up if he seems genuinely interested or not. Financial position comes into too so he may be waiting until you’ve got less going on. Being pregnant and having a newborn is an expensive time!

But from my experience, bringing it up too often only got on his nerves and probably made him feel pressured, so I backed off and it happened naturally which I much prefer.

Good luck, hope it all works out for you.

NoisingUpNissan · 23/09/2019 10:33

Blimey @doubtingmypatience... That's a huge amount!

Really, you need to advocate for your child and your legal protection if nothing else.

And don't give her his name, my sister massively regretted that move when her partner wouldn't marry her and kept her dangling for... 14 years.

Original poster
DoubtingMyPatience · 23/09/2019 10:34

I’m not worrying about trivial things like flower girls dresses? Hmm

I want the commitment that comes with being a family. We keep our finances separate which I know is not a thing taken lightly on MN. But I earn good money and so does he. We don’t necessarily need to share our income, we just half the bills and he buys the food shopping and I do the cooking (fair arrangement haha!)

Becoming a mother doesn’t mean I can’t want certain things in life or have goals. What a silly thing to insinuate Confused
But I do agree about baby’s name, I think it’s ludicrous but it’s also his child, not just mine.

OP posts:
DamonSalvatoresDinner · 23/09/2019 10:35

And the "it's just a piece of paper" is a ridiculous as the belief that "Common law marriage" is an actual thing. It's not.

Unmarried you have very little legal rights. Especially in the event of death. My NDN's partner of 30+ years died. They had three kids but never married. NDN had no rights to her pension, the spousal funeral grant, he had to fight to keep the house tenancy, couldn't get access easily to bank acvounts etc.
She also had an older child from a previous marriage who had all the rights to the entire inheritance (not that there was much). Without that legal contract called marriage you're not covered.

Original poster
DoubtingMyPatience · 23/09/2019 10:36

I’m just worried that if I stroke I’m the “when are you going to do it and do you even have any intentions” conversation he’s going to feel pressured.

I’d hate for him to marry me out of mostly pressure and guilt Blush but I do agree we need a conversation.. I just don’t know how to word it without being pushy?

OP posts:
StormcloakNord · 23/09/2019 10:40

We always knew we'd get married, it was a case of what ring did I want & how soon after etc.

I chose a ring, he bought it, did a "proposal" if you want to call it that & then 6 months later we got married.

This was a year after we had got together.

Butteflyone1 · 23/09/2019 10:42

It took my DP 20 months to propose to me, he did it last night Smile

He knew my views on having a baby outside of marriage and he knows how keen I am to have a baby soon so it's worked out brilliantly timing.

I think you've been very patient with him and you already have the very important things such as mortgage and baby together so if I were you I would be very frank with him and ask him whether he does actually want to marry you.

I completely disagree with people saying to without him surname for the baby, that's completely unfair and quite spiteful.

doodleygirl · 23/09/2019 10:44

You are having a child with this man, which is the biggest commitment two people can do but you are worried you may be putting him under pressure. Words fail me!

Do not give your child his surname and dont become financially dependant upon him, even if you desperately want to stay at home once your maternity leave is up.

Forget about marriage as a white wedding dress, lovely venue and all the crap that goes with a "wedding" It is primarily a legal contract which protects you when the shit hits the fan. If you are not entering into this contract before you have a child then give the child your name.

NoisingUpNissan · 23/09/2019 10:47

@butterfly1

Why? She'll be the one making all the sacrifices for the child, mentally, physically, financially....and if they split up she'll be the one holding the baby literally. Having to explain why their names are different at passport control. Etc etc.

There's no way I'd name my child after somebody who couldn't be arsed to marry me. It's too important.

Bluefox467 · 23/09/2019 10:49

Five years a mortgage and a daughter later he proposed. Never believed in marriage but he changed his mind. Men go at their own pace lol

Original poster
DoubtingMyPatience · 23/09/2019 10:52

@bluefox467

Well, it’s been 5 years, we have the mortgage, and the daughter has 4 months left to cook but she well on her way. Maybe it won’t be long!

—fingers are crossed and I’m looking out for a shooting star, first star I see tonight type shite—

OP posts:
NoisingUpNissan · 23/09/2019 10:52

@doubtingmypatience

You just say: were having a baby, I want to make sure she is secure/protected legally.

If I die you don't get my pension, you're not entitled to be my next of kin which worries me... Blah. Blah. Be factual and not overly emotional.

It's a conversation you need to have. I married when pregnant, my husband wanted us to wait til we'd had the baby but I just needed it done. We eloped at 3months pg. My husband is a good man but these things can become delayed and fobbed off for years and before you know it, you're in a v precarious position.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/09/2019 10:53

It's a conversation me and my DH had early on in our relationship, do you want to get married, have more kids etc. I think it's important that kind of thing is discussed early (ish) so you both know you're on the same page with what you want. We were together 3 years when we got engaged

Original poster
DoubtingMyPatience · 23/09/2019 10:54

@Noisingupnissan

You make some good conversation start points, I will try and sit down with DP tonight and explain about security for DD’s future. Now I’m nervous GrinBlush

OP posts:
Wexone · 23/09/2019 10:56

waited 15 years before got engaged. Moved three times and set up two businesses in that time - All which i made sure i was leaglly covered,. We never really discussed it, but had discussed all other things a long term couple should. Its each to their own on what they want. Was shocked actually when he asked, as i never put pressure on him. We have been to alot of weddings and now as we are planning our own wedding no exactly what we don't want. I think as now you are having children a frank discussion needs to happen to see what the future holds as it will be no longer just the two of you. Be prepared though that he might say he doesnt want marriage. As people are saying marriage is not about the white dress big day etc. Its a big change for your life and its hard work, Do not put pressure on it though He will go at his own pace as i docsivered

Whitney168 · 23/09/2019 10:57

Honestly OP, just tell him you want to be protected, so you're going to the registry office to do a quickie marriage before the baby is born, what day does he fancy? You can take your time to plan a 'wedding/party' later, you don't even have to tell people if you don't want to so everyone thinks it actually is a wedding later.

If he digs his heels in and says no after a rational conversation on the subject of legal protection for you both, I definitely wouldn't be giving the baby his name!

Butteflyone1 · 23/09/2019 10:58

@NoisingUpNissan why will she be financially dependent on him? She said herself she earns her own money. This is the thin I truly don't understand, just because we have a baby doesn't mean we need to be reliant on a man.

I honestly think every women who has a baby has to be prepared to raise that child alone. Anything can happen in life so we should never rely on other people.

doublesheesh · 23/09/2019 11:00

DamonSalvatoresDinner you make no sense. Whilst the dc of a previous marriage would have inheritance rights over the non married DP, so would the 3 dc of the current union. The dc of marriage is not above the woman's dc our if marriage.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 23/09/2019 11:02

3 months 1st marriage,9 months second marriage

doublesheesh · 23/09/2019 11:02

OP I think you have greater problems than whether or not he will marry you. He sounds completely uncompromising, unconcerned about your happiness and unconcerned about your financial position. Doesn't actually sound like love.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 23/09/2019 11:03

OP, just a point you may not be aware of, when the parents of a child marry they need to re-register the child and get a new birth certificate. I had no idea this was a thing but there's a law that says any child who is the product of a marriage (as in, born after the wedding) has inheritance rights over an older full sibling who was born before the marriage.

I was supposed to go an reregister our kids but didn't bother. No ones going to come and arrest us for it but it is something we should do really. I just don't really want to. My DC were born to Miss Smith and Mr Jones, not Mrs Jones and Mr Jones. I was Miss Smith when I had them and I'm happy to have that on their official records.

Original poster
DoubtingMyPatience · 23/09/2019 11:04

If I had to raise our child on our own, I can do that.

I would never have fathomed the thought of children knowing I wouldn’t be able to solely provide for her. That being said, I want a family, I love DP and I want us to do it together. Financially I don’t need him. However for our daughters future legally and financially I do. I want what is best for her obviously, but I cannot force a man to marry me.

OP posts: