How long did it take for OH to propose?

[DoubtingMyPatience]

How long was you in a relationship when DP proposed? And how old were you?

I’ve been with DP for over 5 years now, we have a mortgage together and are now expecting our first child. We’re very happy together, I won’t say it’s all daffodils and roses, we bicker but we always resolve our issues together.

We’ve been to a few weddings and he often says things like “this venue is really nice, it’s the sort of place I’d like as a wedding venue” so then it leads to the whole conversation of me asking him if he believes in marriage as I know some people don’t, he said he thinks he wants to get married one day, most days he tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He knows I want to get married, but he also knows I wouldn’t want to get married quickly, I like the idea of a long engagement, enough time to save and plan for the wedding we want. I’m not particularly getting impatient, but I’ve joked about him ‘popping the question’ and he brushes it off and says he will one day. When we was talking about it he did mention that he is very shy and would be nervous to do it in front of anyone, that’s fair enough. And while at my parents organising our family holiday my mum said it would be lovely if he did it t Disneyland (where we were visiting before having a week in south France) when we left my parents he got really into talking about doing it at Disney and how cool it would be and it would be an engagement to remember. I’m not going to lie, I got my hopes up a bit and it didn’t happen. But more fool me for assuming he would right?

I would like to get married, and I want a long engagement to plan and if I’m honest, after I’ve finished BF baby I would like to have a breast reduction, and I’d like that before I have to wear a wedding dress, I’m very self conscious of my boobs and don’t want to compromise on my dress because of my disproportionate sizing. So I’m in no rush, but I would like the commitment, and me being fussy me would also like to be married before 30. I know I can’t pick and choose, but after 5 years and lots and lots of talk and it still hasn’t happened, I’m starting to feel like it never will. I don’t want to raise it with DP as I know I sound very pushy and it is a massive commitment, but I don’t want him to feel pressured at all which is what’s bound to happen if I ask him why he hasn’t done it yet. I want him to want to do it without me feeling like I’ve made him to.

Did anyone else feel like this? Did it ever happen?

DH proposed 8 weeks after we met. Happily married almost 10 years later.

I was with ex-P for 15 years, I gave him an ultimatum for marriage as we'd been together so long, he proposed (grudgingly!) on NYE and we were split up less than a year later.

Well done for talking to him.

Keep it on the low down for now. Take your time to really talk to him about what you both want and will be happy with. Then you can tell people. Otherwise you get everyone’s unwanted opinions!

My sister did registry office. Just her and her now DH and their dd with his mum, our dad and his brother. Then they had a lunch in a nice restaurant and then a night at a lovely hotel. That was a Monday and then on the Friday they had a meal/celebration/party at a hotel. She wore a nice dress for both. Wedding dress but very simple. It was all lovely. Very relaxed. And didn’t cost a fortune.

10yrs before he proposed! To be fair I was only 17 when we started going out but had bought a house together when I was 22 and I kept waiting and waiting after that. We did discuss it lots and he wasn't against it, we had agreed on the type of wedding etc but he just took his time in asking me.

I told him no babies before marriage, think that got him moving 😊 and he was feeling rather old at turning 30 and didn't want to be an older dad. Been married 4yrs now and we have a 2 yr old and another on the way.

Maybe he's just taking his time some guys don't want to rush in to it and don't like to feel pressured.

The only sure way to get a marriage proposal out of a man like this is to refuse to have children before marriage.

Like so many women you have given away your ' bargaining chip' !

If he is so upset about the name then he can solve it easily by marriage . !

Forget about all the niceties . Just get yourself down to the registrar office pay £213 and get yourself the legal contract that protects you and your child .

6 years to propose and by the time we got married dd was almost 3!
Op there is no bigger commitment than children and a mortgage so I wouldn't worry he doesn't love you!
However if you want the day and security of marriage then there is nothing wrong with that!
Either propose to him or just raise a discussion about it and see if you can agree a timeframe.

5 years after we met and I said no
6 years after we met and I said no again
10 years after we met he stopped asking
20 years after we met we are not married and we are glad.

If you've been with him five years and you're under 30 I don't think you need to worry!

I had the reverse situation - I'd been with my now DH for seven years before I agreed to marry him. A couple of times early on he bought me a silly cheap piece of jewellery (costing about £20!) and asked me to marry him and I just laughed it off.

I was 37 when we finally decided to marry. We've been together 24 years now and have two teenage DCs.

Do let us know when you’ve got the registry office booked OP.

Op there is no bigger commitment than children and a mortgage so I wouldn't worry he doesn't love you!

How do you work that out IdblowJonSnow?

Don’t think OP is worrying he doesn’t love her. She wants marriage. She already has the mortgage and is pregnant. Which sounds like cold comfort when she wants to be married to him.

And yes OP, please update us when you’ve got the ceremony booked!

If he wanted to get married he would have asked you so I would be thinking things through very carefully. Deadline in your head then go. He's had long enough and you are pregnant ffs. So may people think getting married is a bigger deal than having a child and it shouldn't be given a child is an actual human being.

We met at 23, he moved into my flat after 1 year 10 months due to his new job being nearer my place than his, bought a house after 2 years 3 months, engaged after 2 years 10 months and we had been together 3 1/2 years when we got married at 27. Now been married twenty years with three children.

I have read your OP fully and some subsequent posts you have made and I think it is time you were honest with yourself. You joke about proposals, say you want to wait and aren't in a rush but it's not true is it? It is also not looking like he wants to marry you nor that you have an equal relationship. He's shy when it suits him, £10k for a car engine is ridiculous, you are grown up enough to be pregnant so get some balls and ask him. Equality woman.

He’s selfish, not for not proposing but for dangling a carrot that he will not prioritise, whilst selfishly prioritising his own needs.

I think you need to take the proposal blinkers of and take a critical look at the difference in what he says and what he does.

A quick conversation like you had last night hasn't resolved this properly op

Did he actually want to set a date or is he just keeping you in the holding pattern?

Why don’t you propose OP? It’s not the 1950’s.

I'm glad you talked to him and congratulations. I think you need to properly sit and work out the details though and both get excited about it. As you've said, the marriage is the most important thing, but the wedding also really matters to you and right now you're not enjoying the whole engagement part of it. I feel like your DP needs to know that the ring and the proposal is part of this for you.

Don't worry too much about the "4year" statistics though. It's people like me who skew hose figures. DH proposed to me when I was 23 after we had been together for 3 months (in Rome) we were married 6 months after that. We have been married for 21 years now, and I love our engagement story - it's a part of our shared history and it sounds like this is important to you too.

But as others have said, please don't give baby his surname before you're married. Look after yourself

That's good OP - I'm glad you talked!

Don't let this drift endlessly - the birth of you baby gives you something of a deadline. Pin him down to an actual date for the wedding, and start putting the preparations into motion.

I know people are trying to be kind, but I’m really confused at why PP are congratulating OP. They’re not engaged, don’t have a date, he went from ‘sure we can go marry at the reg office’ to five minutes later suggesting they elope to America (which conveniently takes more time and money to arrange and almost certainly delays it until the baby is born and quite a bit older...). A conversation is a start. But there’s nothing to congratulate OP on just yet!

He had 10k in disposable income to spend on a car engine and he still did not propose when you spoke about it a year ago? OP I hope you get what you want and that you are very happy together but even now with this update it is still not looking too good is it? You have agreed to get married and he is off talking up a storm about doing it in Vegas, so waiting and saving and I would bet good money that some unavoidable expense comes up to delay things even further, maybe another car engine will be needed.

Do your future self a favour and do not give your baby his surname, re-register the birth if you get married. Also why the indecision about telling family you are engaged? Surely they would be happy for you, or is that another tactic to avoid the wedding, if others know it becomes real and he will be a known git for not following through with it, especially when you are pregnant with his baby.

Finance agreements don't keep couples together and happy.

Please at least double barrel the baby’s surname. It’s important when you are unmarried, trust me.

Yes, fair points here - don’t agree to marrying in Vegas OP. It could be a stalling tactic. I do hope I’m wrong.

And absolutely do not give the baby his surname if you’re still unmarried when she is registered.

You do not need a proposal at all! Just ask him when and where he would like to get married and then go and book it.

If you really want to know if he actually wants marry you or not you will have your answer depending on his answer to your question. Hope you get the answer you want.

Marriage is such a dated notion. Who could possibly hold anything to it? It's archaic. Giving up your name? Absurd.

Because you have to give up your name when you get married.

Oh wait. No you don't .