Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

If your H's income is too high for you to qualify for tax credits, yet not high enough to feed two adults and two children, where is his money going? If it's debts, could you get debt advice? If your housing costs are enormous, could you move somewhere cheaper?

I agree with PP that being bullied into terminating a wanted pregnancy is really, really bad for your mental health, though I can see why your famly members might think continuing it is a bad idea because it will impact on them. They might back off if you can come up with constructive ideas to decrease your dependence on them.

You've a bit of time before you need to make your final decision. My suggestion would be more counselling and a finances overhaul. Look at your energy, broadband and insurance suppliers. I bet you could get prices down there. Buy clothes from charity shops, use aldi etc for food shopping. Your dh earns more than twice what I do, and I look after 3 adults on my wage. Feel free to message me if I can help with any suggestions. Good luck whichever way you decide.

My DH has a massive amount of travel costs into London on the tube 3 days a week, plus a £300 car loan, credit card bill and other household bills. After all this, he doesn't have an awful lot left to be honest.

I think it will impact greatly on my family if I keep it, so I will have to just deal with an abortion. I don't honestly think I have much other choice.

I really feel for you in your situation and it is desperately sad to have to make a choice of this kind but those who have been talking about adoption I really don't see how that could be a serious consideration when you have an 8 year old who will obviously be very aware of the pregnancy as it progresses and the fact that their brother or sister is going to be adopted by somebody else. I am pregnant now with an 8 year old and I can only imagine she'd be extremely upset by that and confused.

There are two separate issues here OP.

The first is that your parents absolutely shouldn't be pressurising you in this way. It isn't their decision, and they have no right to push you into something you don't want to do. You don't have to keep discussing it with them, and it's ok for you to end a conversation about it if you don't want to have it.

The second issue is whether you yourself want to continue this pregnancy. Your circumstances sound very difficult. That doesn't mean you couldn't make it work, but you should have a think about the practical realities of how you will afford another child, whether your mental health is up to it, whether you can manage 3 on your own when your husband is away etc. Try and work through these problems in detail with your husband and see where you end up. That way, if you decide you do want to continue with the pregnancy, you can show your family that you have thought it through and worked out exactly how you will cope.

boujie thank you for your reply.

My husband is adamant that he doesn't want any more children and that he has no more emotional, physical or mental capacity left to give. I think he would be very hard pushed to get his head round the idea of another child especially as he is convinced it will bankrupt us.

My DM said to me about half an hour ago that she would just have to accept that is what I want to do if I refuse to have an abortion but I feel it will be a very difficult time for me going through a pregnancy and wondering how she will truly feel when she has said so strongly that she thinks I shouldn't have it.

How did you end up pregnant in the first place OP? Was it contraception failure?

Mabelface but she can't do any of things, as I understand it, like shopping around for cheaper broadband /energy etc, because her h is financially abusive and controls all of the income and outgoings apart from op's child benefit. So she can have no say in saving money, debt consolidation or anything like that, she just has to take it from her h when he says there's no money, not even for food for her or the kids.
Op why don't you call women's aid or similar? Financial abuse is illegal. There may be a refuge place somewhere if you have no other options, but at least they can look at your situation and tell you what your options are.

If You don't want to do it please don't.
The loss will affect you for the rest of your life.
From my experience, in these situations the baby is usually the one that is cherished the most by family members once it's here.
Don't be bullied or made to feel guilty.
Your baby your choice.
Good luck

From my experience, in these situations the baby is usually the one that is cherished the most by family members once it's here

Oh FFS, what utter dross.

OP, I really feel for you. What an awful decision to have to make. It’s so difficult when it comes to matters of head over heart.

I know you mentiones that there was a precious unplanned pregnancy also, so no matter what you do, please ensure your husband arranged a vasectomy ASAP. Or you arrange sterilisation or whatever works for you.

As much as I would hate to have an abortion, I do think you really need to consider it as an option here. My concerns of you went ahead and had the baby are hat either your husband would leave and you’d be on your own with no way of supporting three children, or your parents would withdraw or would no longer be in a position to provide financial support and you’d struggle.

Other posters have mentioned that this is a financial decision and I disagree. When money is so tight, it very quickly impacts mental health.

Please, please, please OP.... speaking from experience here- do NOT have a termination unless YOU truly feel it is the right thing for YOU. Your family, your DH don’t matter. I really wouldn’t go ahead unless you are 100% with that decision in your own heart and mind and I really don’t think you’re at one with it so tell them all to back off. And I am speaking from bitter experience here. Talk to someone who is completely objective about how you feel and give yourself some time to work through your decision without interference from your family and partner. Sending you hugs 🤗.

Thank you all, again, for your replies.

I am a pro-choice person, and very much towards the side of pro-life but it doesn't mean I have anything against abortion or the women who choose it. In my head, I keep asking myself hypothetically questions like: 'what if my birth mum had decided to abort me before I was born prematurely?' I was born early as a result of her drug habit so I was extremely fortunate to have an amazing upbringing and given every opportunity to have the best in life. Her decision to give me up was selfless and she did the best she could under the circumstances. Equally though, she could have decided not to be strong or get help and I could have ended up not being here but was incredibly lucky to get the NICU bed at King's College hospital.

Of course, none of this really impacts my decision here and now, but it does influence my way of thinking and I am very much in favour of giving a child a chance at life.

I completely understand that @NooNooHead- you see yourself in the little life that you are carrying! Your two beautiful children would not be here (or the little life you are carrying) if your birth Mother had chosen abortion. So of course this makes your situation so much more distressing and upsetting for you! It’s this that concerns me if you were to go through what is a traumatic procedure when your heart is telling you not to!

If anyone should understand how precious this little life is to you- it’s your parents- to adopt you they must have really struggled to conceive. Would they support you if you choose to give your baby up for adoption? As others have said open adoption is common today and can be successful.

You are incredibly brave Mama, you are clearly a very strong woman who adores her family!

I don’t know if you read my previous message but I suggested you look into claiming PIP which is not means tested.

I would also look into whether it might be worth considering moving to an area where your husbands income would be enough to support your family. I know that sounds drastic but you are clearly not able to continue in your current situation. Does your dh have a career that is transferable in different areas?

An alternative if you do feel strongly about keeping your baby, and it results in your dh leaving- is to find out what benefits you would be entitled to as a single mum to be. There are maternity grants, child tax credits, Universal Credit, PIP and on top of that you would be entitled to child support from your husband.

I was extremely fortunate to have an amazing upbringing and given every opportunity to have the best in life.

I think your husband and family want the best for your children, like you had. I get the sense you maybe started the thread hoping to be talked into keeping the pregnancy, so I imagine it’s pretty sobering to see that most people would agree it’s unfair on pretty much everybody (except for you if you really want it) to go ahead with it. You simply can’t add another mouth to feed when you can’t even feed the ones you have. It’s very sad but there’ll be consequences emotionally either way and you really do have to think about whether you would be having this baby because you can provide for them and give them the life they deserve, or whether it’d be because you want to avoid the pain of termination. One choice is short term pain, the other affects others for a lifetime.

From what you've posted, your DH's financial decisions don't seem to be the best.

What car have you got if it's costing £300 a month? Mine is an astra, 64 plate, £105 a month, and it's a good car. £300 is a lot when you're in tight circumstances.

When you say credit card bill, what's that about?

You and your DH need to sit down and go through all the finances here. Go through your bills and see what can be switched or altered. For example, I'm looking into switching from Sky broadband right now, it's out of the initial contract deal and is expensive. I've switched fuel providers, etc.

On a personal note, much sympathy to you. I can see why you are so torn. 💐

And, your DH needs to get the snip he agreed to have before, and didn't do.

I really feel for you OP but practically it's crystal clear an abortion is what's best for everyone involved. Most importantly yourself and your living DC at present.

Yes the abortion may be difficult for you to process at first (it often isn't as bad as women imagine), but you'll get through it. If you're struggling then it's because you probably need post abortion counselling - Completely free and readily available from BPAS and Marie Stopes.

Yes it is your decision but that doesn't mean keeping that pregnancy would be the 'right' decision - It sounds incredibly detrimental, actually. You've no real money of your own, and can not afford to adequately feed the DC you have. What makes you think even for a moment that adding another DC into the mix would be a better idea than terminating? Think of the DC you have, what about them?

I fully sympathise that it's a shit situation - I feel for you

But, you need to look at this practically now. This is far different to an unplanned pregnancy when you don't have any DC yet. Most people can make do and make that work. But adding a 3rd child when you cannot adequately provide for your current DC? A very poor decision as a mother.

Op, I totally understand your reasons behind wanting to continue with this pregnancy. You had a tough start to your life, possibly have issues around abandonment from your birth mother which may never have been addressed, and have already had two children yourself which will have brought you complete unconditional love from them. No wonder you want another child. However...
Your DH does not want another child. He has made it very clear that he is already struggling with the financial situation you're already in. And whilst the decision is ultimately yours, how he feels about it should be taken into cònsideration, as if your relationship breaks down as a result, the impact on your children will be huge, and affect their lives for ever.
Your finances are at breaking point, another child will push them over the edge and impact on all of you for a long time. They are already impacting on your children now.
Your mental health may well suffer either way, if you terminate you will feel very sad and may well develop depression but the stress of a third child in your circumstances will almost certainly be just as great, if not greater.
The vast majority of women come to terms with a termination.
Your mother is absolutely right, she is being very honest which is what you need. She isn't the one who will be struggling day after day with a third child, she's concerned about you - her child, and her grandchildren so whilst it may seem that she's being harsh, she's doing absolutely the right thing and getting you to look at the whole picture of what a third child would mean.
Forget about adoption. You have made it clear you want this pregnancy to continue. If a termination is going to affect you, you'd never be able to actually give your baby up for adoption once it's here. You know that, your dm and DH also know that.

I can imagine that most people here giving you advice, particularly those encouraging you to continue with the pregnancy, have actually been in your exact shoes. I know I haven't. But I have been in a similar one where I had to choose between having more children or being sterilised to prevent it permanently. It was a really tough decision, but one that I don't regret as having more children would have had a massive impact on our quality of life for years, as would this pregnancy should you choose to continue.
I'm afraid only you can decide, but just try to be realistic rather than idealistic.

I can imagine that most people here giving you advice, particularly those encouraging you to continue with the pregnancy, have actually been in your exact shoes.

Sorry, should say 'I cannot!'

Pocket makes very clear points above what about your existing children? They should be your absolute priority in this

It also sounds like a very precarious situation already. You have MH and physical issues OP and aren’t working, your husband is doing his best to keep the family afloat but even he is unable to without family hand outs: what would happen if he develops his own mental or physical health problems? It sounds like you’re able to not work because he is (and family are literally feeding your kids), but I don’t get the impression if DH suddenly became severely depression or physically unwell you’d consider it doable to step up and go out to work full time to provide. It’s an immense responsibility on his shoulders and he wisely recognises it’s not possible for you both to bring yet another child into the fold. Yes, it’s your body, and your decision, but as a mother and wife you need to take into account the impact on DH and your children and your other family members when making your choice here. This is one of those situations where not terminating would be incredibly selfish.

You should really get some non-directive counselling before you do anything. Research shows that women who have had an abortion are more likely to suffer emotionally and mentally if it was not something they wanted. So women who are pushed by partner/family, or who abort solely for financial reasons or similar. That doesn't mean financial reasons shouldn't feed into your decision, but means if you really want to continue the pregnancy but feel forced into an abortion by financial reasons.

Just in case you think I have an agenda, I don't. I've had an abortion. While I regret the circumstances that led to the abortion, I don't regret the abortion. It was absolutely the right decision at the time.

I'm pro-choice. To me, that means helping women to make the right choice for them. So please, make an appointment for at least one counselling session. Work through your thoughts, feelings and circumstances and make the decision that is right for you. You may decide to terminate, you may not. But at least you will know your decision was the correct one based on your circumstances.

OP I dont have any advice I just want to give you and say that whatever decision you make will be the best one for you and your family.

If you can manage get yourself on the moneysavingexpert forum and post your SOA, you will get some good and easy ideas that you can show your partner.

Have you looked at what benefits you would be able to claim if you left him?

Why do you have a £300 a month car when he commutes?!

This is your body, not your mums, not your partners, not your childrens. The only right decision is the one that you feel is the best.