Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

I was adopted, so I am biased a bit when it comes to adoption, but I have thought about the possibility of adoption too.

Hm difficult one.

At the end of the day it’s your pregnancy. But if you can’t afford to even put food in your mouths and have to have help with that then yes it would be a bit of a silly decision.

But that being said, abortion isn’t the only answer you have. There are lots of couples who can’t have children.

Is it the abortion that you don’t agree with, or is it that you want another child. If you just want another child, can you put plans in place to increase your income? If it’s just that you don’t agree with a termination then is adoption something you would consider instead?

Don't do it if your heart isnt 100 percent in the decision. If you don't want the termination, you will not look at your child with regret and wish you'd had an abortion. But you may well regret it if you go through with it under coercion.

@Mum2jenny Probably not helpful, but I couldn’t consider termination for financial reasons

Having children you can’t afford is just about the most irresponsible thing someone can do. Yes they may have all the baby bits etc but they are already struggling to feed the two children they have without help!

This is very sad. Instead of thinking about 1 year ahead can you envisage 5 years ahead. Will you be able to work, and make it work financially, can you physically and mentally battle through for your family until money is better.

If you have to book a termination then it is only right that your DH has his vasectomy booked at the same time.

Sacrifices need to be shared equally.

Whatever your decision why don’t you get a job OP? Your DH is struggling to provide for you all and you’re having to reply on your parents to help feed your two children. You need to start financially contributing to your struggling family! At least in some way!

pregnantonpurpose I don't agree with abortion, no, and I would like another child but I can see why it would be unfair to bring another child into the world when we are getting money for food each month.

In a way I am in no position to manage another child really, and as hard as it will be, I think that an abortion would be the best decision.

@LittleLostThing that’s what I meant, just clumsily worded. It’s no good saying “oh, everything will be great because all these people can help me” when they’re all fed up of helping already, without adding to their work load.

Can you cope practically, emotionally and financially as a lone parent to three?

I think if your relying on your parents financially and practically they actually do have a say. Unless you can provide for another baby in every way without their help I think it would be unfair to force responsibility for a child on them.

If you do go ahead it would need to be with the understanding that you can't ask for help or at least anymore that they are giving you, I'm sure your parents wouldn't ask you to have an abortion if they didn't feel it was too much.

Sorry OP, cross post!

I really feel for you, as even just thinking about what I would do, I can’t come to a decision. If you want a child, that is something only you can dictate with your OH. Yet if you can’t afford to have more children you really should consider another option for this pregnancy.

What if your parents stop being so generous and you have no one to rely on to feed yourselves and your children? What if things get so bad you lose you home. Could you face being potentially homeless with 3 children? I know that’s worst case scenario but I’m always the one to think the worst.

On a slightly less dramatic note. You already have two wonderful DC, I assume you would do anything to provide for them and you try to make them happy as much as possible. You’re eldest child is at the age where she will definitely notice the financial impact of having another child while you are already struggling. What little things you can do for her now, you may not be able to do when baby is here as you’ll need to cut expenses.

For example, if every week after school on a Friday you walk home with DD and stop by the shop to buy her a chocolate bar or a magazine. That may not be possible when baby is here, DD will undoubtedly be upset that she doesn’t get that little treat anymore, and she will associate the finical situation with the new baby. In a way, she may feel hard done by.

Again, very extreme views from me but I alway think of the worst case scenario and if that doesn’t put me off then do what you must :) I really hope you come to a mutual decision and have no regrets xx

Given that your parents are financially supporting you, no wonder they are concerned.

If you don't have enough money to buy food, and you've got a good grip of your finances, and there's no other way to cut back so you can afford to feed the children you already have, then I don't think you can realistically have another child.

Do you always do what your family tell you? No one can force you to do anything. If you DH was so concerned about having another child perhaps he should of used a condom, and as for your mum, she either supports you or fucks off.

SherbertSaucer I had a great job in publishing for a decade before I had my DD, then I did freelance work for a bit but really struggled after my head injury to work in the same capacity and way.

I have applied for other types of roles in different industries like retail etc but even my recent application to a job at the local Next last week was turned down. I know that I will need to start work again once my DS goes to nursery, but I sometimes feel quite self conscious because of my involuntary movement disorder that is a bit like Tourette's with facial movements (lip smacking etc).

Could you be in a position to find a work from home job OP? That or perhaps a job where you are not working with a huge amount of other people to relax your anxieties about your involuntary facial movements?

You've said you want another child, are against abortion on principle and fear the consequences on your mental health if you have an abortion. Don't let others bully you into something that goes against your instincts. Also it is fine to accept help from family. You will be looking after your parents when they are old and trying to avoid the nursing home. Be brave and show them this is the right decision. ❤️

You mentioned that you are considering adoption. Your probably know that there are families approved and waiting right now to adopt babies. If you wanted you could have an open adoption, where you meet the adopters and have some limited contact after the baby is placed with them.

For some families this is an exchange of letters and photos, others have face to face meetings say once a year.

The only thing anybody should say to you is 'what do you want to do?' and then support you to achieve that outcome.

I suggest that you try and take time away from them all and make your decision.

I agree that it is unfair to burden others with the responsibility of my actions, and that I would forever be looked upon as selfish if I didn't have their help.

My DH and I need to be more independent and I think a PP made a good point about us being able to cope on our own without any help... I am well educated and have lots of experience in my field, but the past few years of having health issues has been hard on my self esteem and mental health so I would need to be able to build that up and become more confident to work again.

Most of the time, nobody has,said what do I want to do. My DM says she can see where I am coming from but that I am being self indulgent and need to look at the bigger picture of things.

Yes, adoption is certainly an option but I would need to get my DH to agree too, I guess.

I used to do freelance work from home pregnantonpurpose so hopefully this is something that I can do in the future.

Will you cope with a third child if your parents decide to withdraw their monthly financial support?

You say they’re helping out with money for food so I take it you can’t even afford to feed the two children you already have?

No, we couldn't do without their help. I think that my answer is pretty simple really, especially as I am relying on my family so much for their help.

At the end of the day, it’s your decision but based on what you’ve written here and what you’ve written here only- having this child could push you into a hard place just as equally as having an abortion, I’d probably say it looks like it would be more negatively impacting if you continued your pregnancy.

I think your family are right to be concerned and I usually think it’s quite rude for family to get involved in situations like this but in this instance I actually think they’re heavily looking out for you and your 2 children.