Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

Caledonia your choice of language is highly emotive and completely unnecessary and inappropriate. OP plenty of people never ever regret terminations, I really would concentrate on your children and your mental health, both of which could suffer immensely with another child.

@NooNooHead sorry, that was twatty of me.

I do think the point stands though, but you're right, my phrasing was cruel. Take a serious look at your budget before you make any decisions based on your finances alone. Obviously you have many other factors to consider, but clearly there's room for manoeuvre in your household budget if you have socialising money.

If nothing else, i'd rather refuse money from my family and cut my budget right back to the bones of my arse, than be in a position they felt they had the right to comment on my life choices. In fact, that's exactly what I'm currently doing - as such, your personal expenditure budget is the same as my entire household bills and food budget. Which caused me to reply rather rudely.

Good luck OP, I hope you feel you come to the right choice for you and your family, whatever way that turns out .

In your latest posts you sound very bullied. You have little financial control and everyone seems to be telling you what to do. I really think you desperately need to find someone outside to talk to.

OP you realise your situation is far from ideal. You rely on your parents support financially, due to that they do have a right to give their opinion on your pregnancy.

Majority of women who have abortions are women who already have children. You need to think about the children you already have here.

"I sometimes feel quite self conscious because of my involuntary movement disorder that is a bit like Tourette's with facial movements (lip smacking etc)."
One of my relatives suffered Tardive Dyskinesia too so changed to a different anti-psychotic medication. This would help on a practical basis for securing a job in the future.

Although you are very rational and have reasoned that financially it would be unwise to have another child, it doesn't sound as if your heart is in that decision.

You say you aren't entitled to other benefits but are you sure? Are you certain you don't qualify for PIP because of the mental health issue? Psychosis is a serious issue and can take a long time to recover from.

I would be concerned that an abortion, when you don't really want one, would be extremely detrimental to your mental wellbeing. It may well cause another psychotic breakdown.

In your situation I would not do anything that may cause a relapse in the MH condition. Do you have a Psychiatrist you can talk to about this?

It sounds like you want to have the child but you need more income. That's what you need practical advice on.

Can you move to a cheaper area to live and your DH commute to work?

OP, I hope you are claiming some help for the fact you are incapacitated? You had a head injury and have lasting issues as a result. I would look into some sort of benefit to help at the moment.

The head injury has clearly caused you to lose a good income and you're struggling to fill that void.

Why don't you look into that? Once you do, you can make a better decision about how you can support the 2 dc then another

Thank you for all your replies today.

Yes, I do have tardive dyskinesia but the antipsychotic that was prescribed during my head injury was prescribed off label for severe insomnia and anxiety. I was never psychotic and have never suffered from psychosis. Unfortunately I am not entitled to any PIP or similar benefits and I have looked into other types of social support but I don't qualify for anything.

I do feel a bit bullied but I don't think my family are doing it deliberately- they are just a caring family who are looking at me and the bigger picture for everyone. I would feel very guilty if I didn't follow through with their wishes and had the baby, as I don't think I could expect them to help me out and support me when they had been against the pregnancy.

Herja thank you for both of your kind apologies. I know sometimes it is hard to stay neutral and impartial during these sort of discussions as it is a very contentious subject!

OP, I would do two things.

Start another thread about your finances - don't mention the pregnancy at all. I am sure some wise MNers would be able to help you take a dispassionate look at the money coming into the house and see what can be done, because pps are right that the sums aren't adding up, even with a commute. They can also help you check benefits, etc.

Then seek independent counselling (not the anti-abortion link mentioned above) around the pregnancy. You need to be able to explore your feelings in a safe, non-judgemental space. I actually believe that your family is coming at this with the best of intentions, but you do have a lot of pressure on you - you need some space and time to explore your own feelings.

Unfortunately I think this will come down to choosing the least bad option as opposed to the option anyone actually wants - that's really difficult and you have my support whatever you choose.

Ps you clearly haven't lost your ability to write so I think you could start to pick up some freelance work again. Things are dead in commercial writing just now though (if that was your field), bloody brexit.

@LoreleiRock

"Caledonia your choice of language is highly emotive and completely unnecessary and inappropriate. OP plenty of people never ever regret terminations, I really would concentrate on your children and your mental health, both of which could suffer immensely with another child."
Lorelei, abortion is a very emotive subject. Caledonia is clearly a forthright person who 'tells if like it is' and probably anti-abortion but I believe you do need to consider exactly what it is you will be doing. You need to be able to understand the enormity of what it encompasses, not gloss over the unpleasantness of what it really is, and be able to look yourself in the mirror with acceptance in order to cope with it mentally. If you can do that then it will be the right decision for you. I'm not anti-abortion at all.

I have a close relative who had a psychotic breakdown and relapse. From reading, the OP sounds like she does really want this baby, and I am more worried for her MH if she has an abortion as opposed to going through with the birth and the difficult financial circumstances.

You are right that many people do not regret abortions, yet others do. I also have a close family member who has had 2 abortions. She accepts the first was necessary due to her age and coped well with it, the second she deeply regretted. Guilt is a very difficult emotion to live with and may be much worse to deal with if you already have MH issues.

"Yes, I do have tardive dyskinesia but the antipsychotic that was prescribed during my head injury was prescribed off label for severe insomnia and anxiety. I was never psychotic and have never suffered from psychosis."
I'm sorry OP, for assuming you had psychotic symptoms.

Is there a different type of medication you could be prescribed instead that would help so that you don't suffer the lipsmacking? It can take a while after stopping those meds to get rid of the symptoms and, in some cases, the effects are permanent. If there is a different type of drug you could take then it is worth trying. That could improve the quality of your life anyway by removing the unpleasant side-effects.

Yes, adoption is certainly an option but I would need to get my DH to agree too, I guess

I’m not sure what you mean. You don’t have to get his legal agreement, it’s the social workers or court who would do this.

He chose to get you pregnant. He says he doesn’t want more children yet he didn’t get a vasectomy and he chose to have PIV sex knowing that pregnancy was a possible outcome.

He has to live with the consequence of that choice, same as you do. Once the baby is growing in your body, he has fewer choices , legally and morally.

He knew all this beforehand.

So Your husband doesn’t need to agree to you continuing the pregnancy. He can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to.

He can’t stop you making an adoption plan, if that’s what you want. Of course once bay is born he can choose to raise the baby himself or place baby with another relative to raise ( assuming that you consent to this ).

Of course the social workers will want to speak to your husband and you before the birth . But neither or you can legally consent to the adoption until the baby is at least 6 weeks old, although baby can be placed with foster carers or prospective adopters straight from the hospital.

Your husband can’t block the adoption. If the child is in care and you have consented to adoption, he can’t just say “ well I don’t want to raise this child but I won’t let her / him be adopted, I want him/ her to remain in foster care for the rest of their life “.

If he tried to do that, there would be a court hearing and the judge would remove his rights. This is because it’s about the best interest of the child and not the parent’s wishes.

If you think this is an option for you then I encourage you to get some counselling now. There are no easy choices here and I hope you can get some RL support to help you work out what’s right for you.

Whatever happens, there will be arguments and both of you will be angry, sad and guilty.

You sound like you’re having such a hard time.

I think some neutral counselling would be useful to help you untangle your feelings independent of everyone else’s. If you are 6w pregnant you have some time to do this - you don’t need to make this decision now, or even tomorrow or next week.

I’m not going to pretend to know what you should do but I would say that sometimes we find ourselves in situations where there is no right answer, there’s just the least worst answer. Sometimes I find it helpful to remind myself of that because it stops me looking for a perfect solution that doesn’t have any drawbacks - sadly I think that just doesn’t exist for you. All you have to do is make the best decision you can right now.

Be kind to yourself and I hope you find the answer that’s right for you.

Thank you chinateapot. I don't want to sound like a victim here at all, but my DM can be very blunt and is of the 'pull your socks up and get on with it's generation. She (I think) is massively underestimating the profound emotional impact this could have on me, and says I will 'move on' eventually. It may be true, but I do sometimes feel like she just expects people to overcome adversity and get on with life, with bad events just being brushed off like water off a duck's back.

It is frustrating at times and I don't feel like I can ever convey my depth of feelings to her as she just thinks I should get on with things and stop being so soft.

I did actually speak to a counsellor a couple of days ago and decided that I would keep the baby. I felt happy with my decision and my DM agreed with me. This was before she spoke to my DF and now she has changed her views.

I am 100% pro choice, op...but if you are struggling with even the basics of putting food on the table now, and having to ask your parents for help each month, you have to consider how another child will impact on that. You will not get any additional money from the government as I understand it (am in Australia, but pretty sure there is a 2 child cut off, happy to be corrected if wrong)

No one should force you do anything you don't want, but when you are struggling with so much, a baby could really break that.

In the end it doesn't come down to what's best for your, or your husband. It has to come down to what's best for baby. If you can't afford to feed it's siblings with out parental help, how can you afford to clothe and provide nappies for a baby? Your parents won't be here forever, and won't be able to provide for you forever. You said yourself that you won't be able to cope if your parents stop helping, what if they decide to do just that? Or if they have an emergency and have to withdraw help?

@Mum2jenny As you already have a young child, you will have most of the expensive things already.

But the 15 month old is still using the "expensive stuff", yes, he may go into a bed when baby is born to free up the cot, so someone will have to buy him a bed, as well as linen. He quite possibly will still be in a buggy (it would certainly be easier for op to have him in one) so they need a double buggy. Clothes might be OK depending on how many clothes she has kept, nappies - further expense, formula/bottles (if breastfeeding doesn't work), etc. Then there is other basics.

There are so many different things that are going around in my head.

We do have a lot of the baby things, clothes, cot, car seats, pushchair etc from having my DS, but of course children get bigger and grow up.

I think I know in my heart what is the best thing to do. I just struggle with how I might cope with it.

My husband also thinks that it is unfair to rely on help from our parents after I have a caesarean (I have had 2 already) as they will be looking after my 2 other children while I recover from the operation.

Plus, my car is too small for another child and I wouldn't be ever be able to afford another one any time soon.

Of course no one can force you to have an abortion however if your parents are expected to support you and your children then I can see why they would be annoyed/worried about having another child to feed/clothe/look after

I'm so sorry that you are in this position op. it's the hardest decision to make. I think speaking it through with a counsellor again stating all you have said will help.
but as your life currently and the baby will be dependent on your parents they do have a big say in this decision.
the financial struggle will definitely break your marriage. will that be fair on your current children?
Unfortunately as you are depending ok so many people, they do have a say as it will affect them.

Sorry OP, I know you’re in a tough spot but all I’m seeing here is massive cheeky fuckery.

You want to have this child but are expecting your parents to fund it?

What are you going to do if they decide to withdraw their generosity?

If I was them I’d be massively pissed off that I was feeding your kids because you couldn’t and then you decide to go and have another one you can’t feed.

I can’t see how this is even a decision honestly. You literally can’t afford it.

justheretotalk thank you for your amazing sympathy - as much as I agree with your post, it hasn't helped me feel better about my decision. I hope your advice isn't as,harsh in real life.

If my husband said he wanted to divorce me but couldn't afford it, he'd be out on his arse, and I certainly wouldn't have an abortion I didn't want for him.
You want the baby. Your h has told you your marriage is over as soon as he decides he can afford to end it. Leave your husband, you will be entitled to benefits which will be more than you have now if your dh gives you nothing of the household income and you're living on child benefit anyway. Private rent with housing benefit or apply to the council for housing. Your h will have to pay maintenance for the children and you can time your freelance work for the days he has the dc to save on childcare. Your parents may well stop the handouts but benefits should cover the basics and worst case scenario you have to use a foodbank to top up now and again.
Don't be bullied. Do what you want. No outcome is ideal here, but at least you be the one to choose your least worst option.