Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

999 replies

NooNooHead · 22/09/2019 20:25

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.Sad

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 22/09/2019 22:00

Obviously your choice OP, but I think my decision would not be yours. I couldn’t terminate my baby under any circumstances. I would find a way to make the finances work.

Dementornator · 22/09/2019 22:00

Honestly, if you’re already struggling to afford the dc you have, it’s not the best decision to bring another one into the world.

Also, you said you have had an eptopic pregnancy as well as this one? Are you on any sort of birth control?

Dementornator · 22/09/2019 22:02

Mum2jenny

How’s that then? When the op is already getting money from her parents to support the children she has, where exactly would this money come from? You think it’s fair on the gp’s to have to support another child. They've already said they can’t/don’t want to. Is she going to magic up the money?

Original poster
NooNooHead · 22/09/2019 22:05

I will be asking DH to get a vasectomy after this, although he had a conversation about this with my DF after I had my DS and he didn't follow it up.

The money won't magically appear from nowhere, and it isn't fair to ask my parents to bail us out really.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 22/09/2019 22:05

"Also it is fine to accept help from family. You will be looking after your parents when they are old and trying to avoid the nursing home. Be brave and show them this is the right decision. ❤️"

🙄

savingshoes · 22/09/2019 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mum2jenny · 22/09/2019 22:10

There are ways to reduce your costs without impacting on your living standards.

katalavenete · 22/09/2019 22:12

It's not your family controlling you or putting you into a corner, it's just the really crappy and unfair chain of events in your life that have meant it's not possible/realistic.

katalavenete · 22/09/2019 22:18

I'd actually be more concerned about the strain it could put on your mental and physical health to have another child and increase the general pressure but also financial pressure you're under.

Doesn't mean terminating the pregnancy will suddenly become easy, but as an outsider reading your posts it does look like it would bring the least bad outcome for you primarily but also your existing children, husband, and family.

Being in a situation where all you can do is try to choose the least shitty outcome sucks though.

C0untDucku1a · 22/09/2019 22:21

Dont rush. Discuss adoption with your dh. And also get someone to look at your Finances that you need someone to provide you with food every week. An independent eye might spot something youve not seen.

Levithecat · 22/09/2019 22:22

NooNoo, I just wanted to say I’m so sorry, what an awful decision and you’ve had a really difficult few years by the sounds of it. I’m sorry you’re not getting more loving, gentle support from family - they must be pretty worried though, to be so strong minded about it. For what it’s worth, I would be thinking about my existing children first and how things would impact on them.
I hope you can get some counselling if you’d like it.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/09/2019 22:22

OP you have to make a decision you can live with. Having a abortion and a total break down isn't preferable to you having this baby.

If DH is earning too much to qualify for CB, but you can't afford to raise two children I think you need a longer look at your finances. Where is it all going?

And I'd refuse to have sex with DH until he has a vasectomy.

Babdoc · 22/09/2019 22:22

OP, talk it through with a neutral counsellor. I get the impression from your posts here that your initial emotional reaction was to want to continue the pregnancy, but the more you think about the problems, the more you are coming around to a practical assessment that a termination would be the sensible thing to do. You might just need a little more time to let your thoughts crystallise and be sure you’re making the right decision. You still have a few weeks to mull it over.
A non judgmental counsellor will help you explore your options and think about what would really be best for you and your existing DC.
Whatever you finally decide, don’t torture yourself with regrets either way. Just live your life in the best way you can. And good luck with your job hunt - I hope you find something that uses your talents and boosts your confidence after your health problems.

Levithecat · 22/09/2019 22:23

It’s a shame savingshoes wasn’t clear that that’s a pro life charity she’s linked to.

There is a dedicated birth choices section here, by the way, which you might find helpful NooNoo.

MollyButton · 22/09/2019 22:25

I think you need to ask at your GP for some urgent counselling. You need to talk to someone who will help you process your own thoughts and feelings and who isn't involved. Some advice about what happened in your last labour could help too.

Original poster
NooNooHead · 22/09/2019 22:26

Thank you for your wise words katalavenete - your replies sound like something sensible that my DM would say!Wink

OP posts:
Absolom · 22/09/2019 22:27

It is your decision but as others mentioned I'm not surprised your family is concerned. You say you couldn't do it without the financial support from your family but they can just as easily stop it at any point and then you have an extra child to support. Sure they're not expensive as babies but they grow fast and get more expensive as they get older and that's if they have no health issues of their own... You don't get to choose a perfect baby you just don't know.

I'm not sure I'd have had any kids if I had to rely on my family to pay for them, it wouldn't sit right with me and like I said they could withdraw financial support at any time, then what?? They will always have that over you which can't be a great spot to be in.

I'd probably be more focussed on getting a job and fixing my financial position than adding to the population myself. It isn't an easy decision, of couse, but at some stage you have to grow up and be responsible by making responsible choices even if they aren't pleasant to make...

Taggle · 22/09/2019 22:29

Your husband is on at least 40k a year and you rely on your parents to buy your food? How come? Who has control of the money?

Original poster
NooNooHead · 22/09/2019 22:30

Thank you all, you have been so kind. I just feel so alone and heartbroken that my life isn't in a position to be doing what I want to do, but sometimes I guess as parents, we need to be as selfless as we can and owe it to the children we already have.

A good decision isn't always the easiest but it doesn't mean that it isn't for the best.Sad

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 22/09/2019 22:56

Please OP do talk this out with some one in real life.

I don’t have any advice either way - but I am really worried about you.

You don’t seem to have anyone in your corner. Your parents seem to be pushing huge decisions on you and your husband is not supportive at all.

As others have said, there must be something amiss with your finances if you can’t afford food.

You sound like you are in a lonely place, and you need some outside perspective. That perspective shouldn’t b an Internet forum. There are lots of Greta counsellors out there who will help you sort out your feelings, both about this pregnancy and your whole life situation.

Please take care of yourself 💐

Original poster
NooNooHead · 22/09/2019 23:07

Thank you Dollymixture22 - yes, you are absolutely right. I do feel like I have no one in my corner, and that I just have to muddle on with feelings of low self esteem, feeling crappy, blaming myself for a self-inflicted head injury, being in a position where I rely on others financially so therefore have to do as they say in some regards...

My DH has a lot of outgoings including travel costs into London, a car loan, household bills to pay, and so not a lot is left for food which is why my DP help out. Before when I worked, I would contribute regularly to the food bills but it obviously has been hard to work with my DS and my health problems, hence the funds from my parents.

It will all be ok in the end, I guess. Maybe I am not being strong enough about it all

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooHead · 22/09/2019 23:13

Taggle my DH controls the purse strings with regards to the food and other outgoings. I buy nappies etc for DS with thr child benefit I get plus a bit of the food money sometimes goes on that too. I have about £300 a month to live off and all of my outgoings including phone, car insurance, socialising money etc comes from this.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 23/09/2019 00:08

I don't think your mum should be implying you'd be selfish if you didn't have an abortion- that's overly pressuring you into it. I have sometimes severe mental health problems and know I couldn't handle a baby, but the most your mum should be saying is asking if you feel up to doing it, or something like that. It is a difficult situation, but I think your mum is being overly pressuring. The decision should be yours alone and she should roll with it rather than being this forceful. Hugs to you whatever you decide- perhaps you could seek some counselling to discuss it xxx

Herja · 23/09/2019 00:23

Hmm Why do you have socialising money if you can't afford to feed your own children?

Assuming the insurance, and personal bills is around £200, stick the other £100 back in the household pot for food, get your DH to do the same, and as if by magic you'll be able to afford your own children.

Extras are nice, but not at the expense of feeding your children yourself rather than relying on someone else to do it.

Original poster
NooNooHead · 23/09/2019 00:28

Herja thank you for your advice... I get what you are saying but the way you said it was a tad unkind. I am trying my best to deal with a very difficult situation so being quite harsh doesn't make me feel that great.Sad

OP posts: