Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

@bibliomania he has said that he can't afford to divorce me, so I am assuming that even if I went ahead and carried on with the pregnancy, we would stay together as he couldn't afford not to. So owning the decision I have to make it work alone would not work in that respect.

I’m genuinely glad you’ve made a decision OP. I do think it’s important that you tell your husband, in no uncertain terms that you are intending on continuing with this pregnancy and not that you don’t think you can face an abortion. I think the messaging is quite important, even though the end result is the same. I would hazard a guess he thinks you’re still going through with it.

From there I think you’ll know, for certain, what the future is going to hold for you in relation to your marriage. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

op

I can't imagine how you are feeling.

OP, if you do decide to continue with the pregnancy, bloody well oennup to the deicision and don't accept a penny more from your parents. You're scrounging off of them, to put it plainly. Yes it would be reasonable to accept their generosity for a little while longer if you only had your current children, but I think it's beyond the pale to accept any further financial help from them since you're bringing another child into the world against their best interests and your children's and husbands

"I did own my decision and told my husband a few days ago that I didn't think I could go through with the abortion and that we could look at how we could make this work. "

Great. A decision. If that's what you really want then stick to it. Have the baby and have the strength to articulate to your parents and DH that that is what is happening and let the chips fall where they may. But yes, own that this is what you've wanted all along.

*own up the the decision

NooNoo, that is still giving him the agency. What's stopping you from leaving him?

Op, the bottom line is that this is your decision, you want to keep your baby, and it is completely unacceptable for your DH, mil, or anyone else to be pressuring you to abort. You do however have to accept that this decision will have consequences, however if your DH leaves over this he is still has financial responsibility towards all his children, as do you. The Grandparents don't have any such obligation so you need to up your income, lower expenses (or preferably both). You know you can't maintain your current lifestyle in any case whether you have this baby or not. It's not sustainable. I wish you all the best

In some ways mission accomplished for op-. Husband can't afford a divorce, op's parents won't see their grandchildren in need, op doesn't need to look for work. Way to go.

I think the most positive step OP could take is to get a job between now and having this baby, to try and show some willing to contributing to her decision and to have a cushion to fall back on if the marriage goes down the swanny.

In some ways mission accomplished for op-. Husband can't afford a divorce, op's parents won't see their grandchildren in need, op doesn't need to look for work. Way to go.

Indeed. It’s kinda amazing how it’s all worked out so perfectly for OP . What a sad state of affairs for everyone else involved.

Dont be ridiculous puss, it's the OP that will be in financial trouble if he leaves, not her dh. And if he was dead set against another child he should have had a vasectomy after baby number 2.

pusspuss9 You’ve already received at least one deletion for breaking talk guidelines on this thread, so should probably stop with the goadyness before you get suspended.

And if he was dead set against another child he should have had a vasectomy after baby number 2.

we can agree on that point.

I'm glad you have owned your decision (at least in part). I would strongly recommend that you now take responsibility for familiarising yourself with all the family finances and budget, and thinking about what your budget might look like if you were on your own. Nobody is blocking you from doing either of those things and you are fully capable of doing so.

Grow up Somerville and stop trying to be the thread police 🙄 if you’re not a mod and you have concerns about a post breaking talk guidelines report it. Otherwise you have just as little right as anyone else on this thread to control what other people post.

@pusspuss9, no contraception is 100% effective and if one partner wants no more children then they need to step up and do the research so they could understand the risk and decide which methord is best for them. So many times have women been blamed for not taking the pill properly before it was realised that antibiotics interfere with the effectiveness of the pill. So, I believe it is the responsibility of the partner who don't want further children to take the responsibility to prevent a marriage crisis caused by contraception failure. He is 50 years old, he should know that contraception failure happens and no she didn't trick him, she said she was less fertile not infertile. There is a big difference there. He took a risk alongside her. She wants to keep the pregnancy now and he don't. Yes, there should have been talk on how they would deal in case of a pregnancy. But they didn't and no ruminating will solve it. Op dh might just need time to come around the shock or he might never come around to it. Abortion is not the only choice. There are other choices. Abortion was not made legal to force or bully women to have it done against their wishes but it was done to help women.

Agreed @pusspuss9

It sounds like OP is kind of the only winner in the decision to have another baby, which may cause resentment down the line. But it does sound like she's aware of this in making her decision.

number3or4
and no she didn't trick him

I didn't say or even infer that she tricked him. Quite the opposite, I said they were both to blame, which they were.

So many times have women been blamed for not taking the pill properly before it was realised that antibiotics interfere with the effectiveness of the pill.

That’s a myth.

There are only a couple of antibiotics that interfere with the pill, both fairly rarely used (not ones you’ll be given for a day to day issue like a UTI or chest infection).

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/antibiotics-contraception/

So if someone is taking the pill correctly and taking antibiotics, barring this specific kind, it has absolutely no impact. That’s not the reason somebody has got pregnant. It’s a shame there’s so much misinformation out there.

The OP wanted another child.

I had a look on the Gingerbread website and saw that I could be entitled to £1245 per month as a single parent (based on the bills in this house).

Why does your dh say he can’t afford a divorce? Is the house in negative equity or can’t be sold for some reason?

@NooNooHead

If you have an unwanted abortion, I think you will end up hating your DH, your parents and yourself.
If you have an unwanted (by DH and parents) baby, they may end up resenting you.
Either way, your marriage looks fairly unsteady....
If you were to end up a single parent in a year, would you rather have kept the baby or not?
That is your answer. Do what is right for you. What you can and want to live with. Then own your choice, and everyone else can deal with your choice how they choose to. You can't control their reactions, only your choice.